Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong

Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

Rockstar Juiced

Rockstar Juiced

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

REVIEW: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts

I don’t know if Kevin Federline likes Pop-Tarts, but I do know that he has a rap album coming out. If K-Fed does like Pop-Tarts and if he wrote lyrics about Pop-Tarts for his album, I think they would go something like this:

My name is K-Fed, I’m richer than you.
Although it’s Britney’s money, I can spend it too.
I buy cars, motorcycles, bling, and booze,
But I also buy Pop-Tarts, any flavor I choose.

I get them by the crate, carton, or barge container,
The ones with chocolate are much greater.
Sometimes when I really can’t decide on a flavor,
I buy every single one and save them for later.

I’ve got a dozen toasters in a row when I have a Pop-Tarts party,
When Britney is away I consume Pop-Tarts and Bacardi.
If I eat two in a row, I call it a meal that’s hearty.
If I eat more than three, the room is gonna smell a little farty.

When I eat two at a time, I hold one in each limb.
When I want more, I give one to my homie Tim.
Yeah I eat a lot of Pop-Tarts, but how do I stay so slim?
I followed the weight loss plan from that Olsen twin.

I’ll stick one in the toaster before I get ready when I’m on the run.
Because I don’t have any hygiene I’m ready before it’s done.
I’d eat a whole box of Pop-Tarts if I want to do something fun.
Cuz I don’t have chores, responsibilities, or an occupation.

Tryin’ to shove a whole Pop-Tart down your mouth is very funny.
I pay members of my entourage to do it for me with Britney’s money.
I feed Pop-Tarts to Sean Preston when he gets hungry.
But I keep them away from Britney, cuz I don’t want her chubby.


I know K-Fed’s album hasn’t, as Britney would say, “dropped” yet, but I guarantee the Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts will be one billion times better, cause less headaches, be better at getting the hotties on to the dance floor, get more respected from other rappers, and be a better father to K-Fed’s kids.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts are pretty good, although I’m not sure they are as good as the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts I had growing up, which was one of my favorite flavors back in the day. For those of you who are too young to remember “back in the day,” back in the day there were only something like six Pop-Tart flavors, half of them had frosting on them. Now it’s like Baskin-Robbins ice cream, with thirty something flavors.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts aren’t as sweet as I remember the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts were, but still pretty tasty nonetheless. I’ve never had an apple strudel before, or any kind of strudel for that matter, so I don’t know if it tastes like one. However, it was apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish.

I only had one gripe with it. I wished there was more frosting on the top of it, instead of the drizzle they have. I know the drizzle makes it look strudel-ish, but having a solid, huge layer of frosting on top would make it even better. But I guess I should be happy that there is some frosting, because Pop-Tarts without frosting are very lame.

Although, frosting-less Pop-Tarts don’t even come close to being as lame as K-Fed dropping some rhymes.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a whole heck of a lot of Pop-Tarts over its existence. You can read previous Pop-Tarts reviews here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)

Item: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good. Apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish. Made with real fruit.
Cons: Needs more frosting on top. Not good frozen. K-Fed’s hygiene. K-Fed’s rhyming ability. K-Fed reproducing. PopoZão.

Quiznos Prime Rib Sub

Mmmm…Prime rib.

It’s one of the staples of the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet, along with soft serve ice cream, a salad bar with your choice of ranch, thousand island, and Italian dressing, soggy corn on the cob, belts that need to be opened up a notch, and smelly, smelly restrooms.

The prime rib stop always holds up the rest of the buffet line, sometimes stopping the buffet traffic all the way back to the cauliflower at the salad bar.

When people see prime rib, they want prime rib, unless they like their meat well done, they’re a member of PETA, or they believe Adam’s rib, which formed the sexy, naked Eve, can be the only thing called “prime rib.”

An all-you-can-eat dinner buffet is usually the only place where people consume prime rib, because cooking a prime rib is not a job for the impatient or really hungry people.

However, thanks to Quiznos, which is probably the easiest 25-point Scrabble word there is using the letters “Q” and “Z,” we can all enjoy prime rib without the “goodness” of a Las Vegas buffet, like long lines or old ladies in motorized carts bumping into you.

The Quiznos Prime Rib Sub consists of thinly-sliced, slow-roasted prime rib with mozzarella cheese, sauteed onions, and mild peppercorn sauce.

I felt compelled to purchase one after seeing the commercial for it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, go visit the Quiznos site, it’s wonderful food pr0n.

The commercial shows an orgy of prime rib that glistens with the shine of the greasy mild peppercorn sauce, stuffed in between two long buns, with white mozzarella cheese oozing out from between the meat. Of course, the sandwich in the commercial looks nothing like the picture above, which looks like two haggard hobos getting it on.

Although, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub looks like two haggard hobos getting it on, it tastes like whatever the opposite of two haggard hobos getting it on would be. In other words, it was pretty good. The peppercorn sauce was good, but thankfully it wasn’t overpowering, which allowed the flavor of the meat to be noticed. The meat wasn’t tough and there really was an orgy of it, as you can see from the picture above.

However, just like most good prime rib buffets, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub was very pricey. A regular-sized prime rib sub, which is about eight inches long, costs about ten dollars.

Too bad it wasn’t all-you-can-eat prime rib subs, because then it would’ve been worth it.

Item: Quiznos Prime Rib Sub
Purchase Price: $9.29 (Regular-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: An orgy of meat. Mmmm….Tasty! Good peppercorn sauce. All-you-can-eat buffets. Using “Quiznos” in Scrabble.
Cons: Hella expensive. Cauliflower. All-you-can-eat buffets. Old ladies in motorized wheelchairs running to me.

REVIEW: Sparks

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags

You know what I hate?

I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.

Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in.

I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.

I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.

There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.

Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.

Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.

Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.

Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?

Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.

Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.

First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.

Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.

Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.

So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.

So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.

Item: Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
Purchase Price: $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
Cons: Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.