(Editor’s Note: When reading this review, please turn your internal reading voice into the voice of a crazy elderly person.)
Oh, I remember a time when water was just water. Oh my, how it has grown over the years. I remember a time when we didn’t get water out of a faucet or a bottle. Instead we would lower a bucket into a well and drink our fill using our cupped hands. That water was so refreshing, except whenever the town drunk would urinate into the well after a long night at the local tavern.
Oh, those were such different times back then. Simpler, if you will.
Oh, I remember those days when humans and forest animals would get along and come together every night to sing jolly melodies and tell adventurous tales of Lewis & Clark’s expedition across America with their grizzly bear companions, the Berenstain Bears and Fozzie Bear.
Oh, those were such wonderful times back then. Peaceful, if you will.
Oh, I remember when we would have competitions with each other to see who could climb to the top of the tallest redwood trees in the forest. Little blue men that called themselves Smurfs would cheer us on with the chant that went like this, “Smurf. Smurf. Smurf.” Then whenever we reached the top, we would say hello to the horned winged horses that circled around the treetops waiting for a rider. From the top of the trees we would leap onto the backs of one of the horned winged horses and whisper the magical words “giddy up” in its ear and it would take us to a magical land filled with edible gingerbread houses, roads paved with chocolate, and rivers flowing with apple juice.
Oh, those were such entertaining times back then. Merry, if you will.
Oh, I also have memories of wooing fair maidens at the local tavern. I would put on my finest Mongolian silk suit, which I purchased for ten dollars from a man of Oriental persuasion. I would drink a few ales to raise my courage so that I may bring myself to converse with the fair maiden with the most amount of teeth using words of poetry equal to a Shakespearian sonnet, like “Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.”
Oh, those were such lovely times back then. Charming, if you will.
Oh, what magical well does this Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water come from? Is it the same place where those horned winged horses come from? It’s much more refreshing than the urine-tainted water from a well, because it has a decent light strawberry kiwi taste, but the texture of it was oddly kind of gritty, like licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes.
Oh, just like fair maidens at a local tavern, it isn’t sweet, and it shouldn’t since it only has eight grams of sugar. If you’re drinking the Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water, you’re probably not drinking it for the sugar anyway, you’re drinking it for the five grams of protein it has, which is more than half the amount of protein in a cup of milk,
Oh, milk. That brings back a memory when we used to suck on a cow’s udder for nourishment and to quench our thirst when the local drunk would urinate into the well. We would lie under Bessy the Cow and suck on one of her teats for hours, while watching the clouds and horned winged horses go by.
Oh, those were the days.
Item: Kellogg’s Special K20 Strawberry Kiwi Protein Water
Price: $1.39 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent light strawberry kiwi taste. Not too sweet. Only 50 calories per bottle. 5 grams of protein = 10% of daily allowance. 8 grams of sugar per bottle. Licking a dirty Smurf for psychedelic purposes. Sucking on Bessy the Cow’s teat. The magical land filled with gingerbread houses, roads of chocolate, and rivers of apple juice.
Cons: Gritty texture. Not a good source of other vitamins and minerals. A cup of milk has more protein. Excessive use of “oh.” When the town drunk would urinate into the well.
Impressive. Most impressive. I really thought you were tripping on smurf grease for a bit there…
Omfg, this is the funniest review I’ve read on TIB.
Seriously, I was laughing hysterically at the Betsy the Cow’s teat sucking part of the story.
And it makes me wanna try this drink… I need protein!
Great job, Marvo. 🙂
Oh, terrific review. Unfortunately for Kellogg’s, when I think ‘protein water’, I think ‘does that contain meat?’. Gross, I know.
Perhaps the bottle would be convenient to urinate in on long road trips when you didn’t feel like pulling over to the side of the road. After you’re done drinking the gritty water, I mean.
You made this product up, didn’t you? Nothing this silly could be real…. It’s just you and Photoshop, hard at work.
That’s what the flying horses are telling me.
“gritty” flavored water? no, thanks!
K20? Potassium Oxide? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Potassium_oxide
I can’t imagine this is a good thing to be including in bottled water…….
Ohhhhh….I loved the review Marvo! Once again you bring joy to my sucky day at work.
ew, gritty water.
great review though! you may want to lay off the smurfs, they let you get free licks for awhile til you start needed that pick me up, then they start charging ridiculous things like your first born, your pinky toe….. little blue bastards.
I saw this on a box this very morning and thought, “that sounds odd, maybe Marvo can try it”.
Nice review.
Can I just say though that even though you live on a Rock in the Middle of the Pacific Ocean, you ‘Mericans sure do get alot of weird-ass shit. I mean, really, Protein Water based on a popular breakfast cereal.
We are missing so much up here in the North.
Licking a dirty Smurf. Kinky. Me like.
Er, protein water? Caffeine water was weird enough for me.
Marvo, I had no idea you were so old! Sucking milk from the cow’s teats, and Smurfs! They haven’t had Smurfs in years! But seriously, WTF is up with Special K making water?? It’s cereal. I don’t think I can eat Special K anymore because cereal water is too weird for me. Especially gritty cereal water.
L’il E – Hmm…Is Smurf grease blue?
Heather Feather – Being a woman and because I watch too many commercials, I think you might also need calcium and iron in your diet.
Abi – If you stick meat into a blender long enough, I’m sure it turns into liquid.
Chuck – Hmm…It does have a wide mouth, but not wide enough for some people.
Wednesday – If I had that caliber of Photoshop skills, this blog would look much nicer.
Webmiztris – Oh, but I would drink it over Britney’s breast milk.
Zadillo – Oh, I guess the folks at Kellogg’s never took chemistry before.
melis – Oh, but what will you do tomorrow at another sucky day at work.
Barb – Oh, the worst part is the fact I’m licking on dude Smurfs. Oh, where is Smurfette when you want to lick a Smurf.
Hunter – Oh, it was odd and I did try it.
Stephanie – Oh, but if it becomes popular, I’m sure you’ll get it, except the K would stand for Kanada.
Toni – Oh, but a caffeine patch would be even weirder, but I would totally wear it on my bum.
Melanie – Oh, there’s no cereal in it. Just the goodness of protein, water, and artificial and natural strawberry and kiwi flavors. But i would definitely try to review cereal water if they ever came out with it.
that looks foul. whatever happened to plain normal water? are we THAT malnourished that we have to inject our water with “nutrients”?
jenn – I’m TOTALLY waiting for fiber water!
This is crap. I thought that was a shake or something. It’s freaking water?!?
I have nothing against flavored water, but that packaging is all off.
“Your ample busom widens my eyes, reddens my cheeks, and raises my groin.â€
Well, if that doesn’t get a girl excited Marvo, I don’t know what does.
Brie – That line may work for Brad Pitt and other handsome people, but for me, it makes me sound creepy. 🙁
hey kelloggs!!!! i tried your TROPICAL:and LEMON flavored protein water drinks at wallmart in the pittsburgh mills mall–now they have none left!!! how can i order or where can i buy some more of your product???i really liked the tropical flavored !!! thanks!!!!!