McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap

/ / Reviews / 26 Comments

I wonder what’s a worse fate for a chicken: To be a grilled or crispy piece of chicken in the new McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap.

Sure, there are even worse fates for chickens, like bird flu, being used in some screwed up way in a Jackass stunt, Chicken McNuggets, dancing naked in the Peter Gabriel “Sledgehammer” music video, or being eaten by Nicole Richie, then being regurgitated by Nicole Richie.

Unlike the original Ranch Snack Wrap, which only comes with crispy chicken, the honey mustard one come with either crispy chicken or grilled chicken, which is probably healthier than the crispy version, unless McDonald’s has found a way to grill things by sticking them in hot oil.

Along with your choice of chicken, the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap also comes with shredded cheddar jack cheese, lettuce, a sweet and tangy honey mustard sauce wrapped in a flour tortilla, and for some, it also comes with the guilt of knowing that you’re eating another McDonald’s product despite your promise to swear off of it after watching the documentary Super Size Me.

After trying both the crispy and grilled Honey Mustard Snack Wrap, it’s hard to determine which one I like better. It’s like trying to choose which Olsen twin I like best, because just like Mary-Kate and Ashley, both versions of the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap look alike, are kinda pale on the outside, and don’t have much meat in them.

The crispy version has 320 calories, 15 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 750 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 14 grams of protein.

The grilled version has 260 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 18 grams of protein.

Both versions are about six or seven inches long, which is either small, big, or just right, depending on how big your hands or cock is. For me, the size of the Honey Mustard Snack Wrap was wayyyyyyyy too small and I wished that it was a more reasonable nine to ten inches. But then again what do you expect for some thing that costs just $1.29?

So in the end, which Honey Mustard Snack Wrap do I prefer and which is the worst fate for a piece of chicken, crispy or grilled?

Well, the crispy version tastes better, but the grilled one is healthier. However, the honey mustard sauce had kind of a weird sweet deli mustard spicy taste to it, so it turns out that the worst fate for a piece of chicken would be to end up in a Honey Mustard Snack Wrap and I prefer neither the crispy nor grilled versions of it and I’d rather go buy the much better original Ranch Snack Wrap instead.

I’ll leave the Honey Mustard Snack Wraps for Nicole Richie to regurgitate.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Danton for letting me know about the McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap.)

Item: McDonald’s Honey Mustard Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Now able to choose between grilled and crispy chicken. Decent price. Grilled is healthier. Crispy is better tasting.
Cons: Honey mustard sauce is kind of weird tasting. Kind small for my big…um, hands. Breaking your promise to not eat fast food. Being in a Jackass stunt. Being regurgitated by Nicole Richie.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme

/ / Reviews / 37 Comments

If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.

REVIEW: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango

/ / Reviews / 33 Comments

I think I’ve long passed the stage when I would lose fluids during sleep, because I don’t use disposable plastic sheets or diapers anymore and I no longer sweat from the nightmares I used to have that consisted of me auditioning for American Idol by singing the Boyz II Men song “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” but I’m auditioning as that guy who was the least attractive member of the 1990s R&B group Color Me Badd.

Yes, the long haired dude that kind of looked like Kenny G.

However, according to the bottle of Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango I’ve been chugging from for the past two mornings, I apparently lose fluids and energy while I sleep. Here’s what it said:

Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night’s sleep. It’s the same scientifically proven formula in flavors designed for the morning.

I don’t know if I truly lose fluids while I’m asleep, but I do know that when I sleep, I’m losing five to eight hours of my life that I’ll never get back and that upsets me. I think this feeling is much like what most people go through after watching an episode of the ABC “sitcom” According to Jim.

That’s five to eight hours I could be using to do things I enjoy, like cooking a fine Italian meal with a bottle of Ragu sauce, sucking the helium from balloons and reciting lines from Star Wars, making meth in my shower, constructing paper clip chains, organizing my vast boxer collection by color, seeing how many bowls of different cereals it takes to equal the nutritional value in one bowl of Total cereal, having blind taste tests between all the variations of Coke and Pepsi, perfecting the “richness” of my “custard” in my “Creme brulee,” and organizing my vast boxer brief collection by testicle snugness.

I wish the scientists at Gatorade would create a version of Gatorade which helps me put back the hours I lose during a full night’s sleep. Perhaps they could call it Gatorade T.M., which would stand for “time machine.” That would be more impressive than Gatorade A.M.

I may not believe I lose fluids when I’m asleep, but usually right after I wake up I definitely lose a lot of fluids when I unbutton my pajama pants, unleash my “Mothra,” and “shoot my silk spray into Tokyo.”

After I’m done, I think then I could use some Gatorade A.M. to help replace the fluids I just lost “shooting Tokyo with my silk spray.” But if you think about it, if I drank half a bottle of Gatorade A.M. to put back the fluids I lost during sleep or “spraying Tokyo,” I’m pretty sure 30-60 minutes later I’m going to have the urge to lose the fluids I just consumed.

Drinking Gatorade A.M. every morning for the past few days didn’t seem to improve my mornings better than my usual morning beverages, either water, milk, orange juice, apple juice, or whatever energy drink is sitting in my fridge mixed with vodka. The tropical mango flavor was good, but didn’t really taste like mango and it was also surprisingly sweet for a Gatorade.

Adding caffeine to the Gatorade A.M. would’ve probably made it better and help it become a true morning beverage that could get me through my repetitive morning rituals, but drinking it every morning to replace the fluids I lost during sleep would probably get expensive, like excessive magazine subscriptions, shopping at Neiman Marcus, or disposable plastic sheets.

Item: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango
Price: $1.79 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good tropical mango flavor. Helps replace the fluids lost during sleep and after peeing. Helium. Organized underwear.
Cons: Kinda too sweet for a sports drink. Didn’t really taste like mango, so I guess I cannot have The Mango. Losing valuable hours while I sleep. According to Jim. My nightmares of me auditioning for American Idol as the homely guy from Color Me Badd.

Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake

/ / Reviews / 30 Comments

Just like Bert and Ernie, cookies and milk are two things that are synonymous with the action of dipping one into the other.

This is why cookies and milk are two things that go great together, like peanut butter and chocolate, Penn and Teller, and Rosie O’Donnell or Donald Trump and a muzzle. Although, when you think about it, cookies and milk are two things that shouldn’t belong together. After all, “milk does a body good” and cookies does a body much like Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery.

I don’t know when I learned to dip my cookies in milk or who taught it to me, but all I know is that it’s very delicious, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s probably diarrheariffic. However, I didn’t always associate cookies with milk.

When I was a really young diaper-wearing poop machine, cookies were not the thing I associated milk with. Instead, the only thing my feeble, still developing mind could associate with milk were breasts. Then when I got a little older, but still was a diaper-wearing poop machine, breasts were replaced with plastic bottles that had rubber nipples I could chew on.

Then when I got even older and ate mostly solid foods, but now a bed wetting machine, plastic bottles were probably replaced with cookies. Then when I reached puberty and started growing hair in places I didn’t think it would, but now a nocturnal emission spewing machine, it was back to breasts and also cookies.

Today, thanks to my expanding waistline and my addiction to internet porn, I don’t eat cookies and milk very often. However, I did recently have cookies and milk, but in the form of the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake.

Yes, it’s another limited edition product, which makes the number of limited edition products not so limited, but what’s worse is the promise I made to myself due to the insane number of limited edition products out there. I told myself that if Nesquik came out with a limited edition chocolate milk to add to the influx of limited edition products, I was going to punch an elderly man in the face. Now I have to find an elderly man and punch him in the face.

Thanks Nesquik!

Anyway, before I head off to the next AARP meeting, I have to tell you that the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake doesn’t taste like cookies and milk… or cookies… or milk.. or a milkshake… or Cookie Monster’s puke after a cookie binge. Instead it tasted like a cold version of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, which isn’t bad, but isn’t good since “Cookies ‘n Milk” is prominently printed several times on the bottle.

Despite not tasting like cookies and milk, with 360 calories, six grams of saturated fat, two grams of dietary fiber, 48 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, and some vitamins and minerals in an entire bottle, its nutritional value is about the same as eating actual cookies and drinking milk.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear canes, walkers, and motorized wheelchairs calling me. If you happen to hear the words, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” that will probably be Nesquik’s fault.

Item: Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake
Price: $2.69 (13.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s limited edition. Tastes like hot chocolate and marshmallows. 16 grams of protein per bottle. Vitamins and minerals. No longer a diaper wearing poop machine, bed wetting machine, or a nocturnal emission spewing machine. Peanut butter and chocolate. Breasts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like cookies and milk. It’s not a milkshake, because it doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard. And they’re like it’s not better than yours. Damn right, it’s not better than yours. Expensive when purchased from 7-Eleven. The number of limited edition products. My internet porn addiction. My expanding waistline. Having to punch a elderly man in the face.

WTF!!! Enough With The Limited Edition Candy Bar Product Review Poll!!!

/ / General / 89 Comments

Limited Edition candy bars are as common as Paris Hilton nipple slip pictures. With both of these things, you know you’re going to see them, but you just don’t know when.

Anyway, I recently picked up THREE limited edition candy bars from the convenience store down the street and I thought this would be another great opportunity to have another product review poll, where you get to vote for what product TIB reviews next. Your vote is like a puppet string telling me what to do.

Here are the three limited edition candy bars you will be able to vote for:

1. Snickers Xtreme (Note: When you say “Xtreme” you have to say it while holding a rock ‘n roll hand sign)

2. Twix Triple Chocolate

3. Snickers Dark

The candy bar with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will just be added to my gut or ass — it’s really up to my body. To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, January 21st (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like you’re a member of Congress voting for an increase in the minimum wage.

Final Results:
Snickers Xtreme – 35
Twix Triple Chocolate – 33
Snickers Dark – 10

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Oh yeah, one last thing for those of you in San Francisco.

I’m going to be in the San Francisco area from February 15th to February 21st and I was wondering if there are any TIB readers who would like to hang out one night. Right now, I don’t know what my entire schedule is going to be like. I’ll be spending some of my time in Tahoe, but I’m hoping that I’ll have a few free nights in San Francisco.

If you’re interested in hanging out with a quasi-product review blog editor, let me know using the contact page.

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