Tahitian Tamure Tava

The Tahitian Tamure Tava (pronounced ta-MOOR-ay) is quite possibly the greatest beverage in the world that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. It’s the greatest because it is the ONLY beverage that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. Achieving that level wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the marketing minds who came up with the made-up name “Tava,” which they define as, “to evoke feelings of possibility and discovery.”

It’s been around for almost a year, but I’m guessing most of you probably haven’t heard about Tava, since its makers, Pepsi, is only promoting the beverage online via word of mouth. That sounds like a great idea, but according to the original press release for Tava the beverage is targeted towards the 35-49 age group, so they’re asking a group which consists of some of the least technologically-savvy people in the country to promote Tava over the internets.

Good luck with that, Pepsi. I’m surprised these are still in stores.

Although it’s in a energy drink-shaped can, there isn’t anything energetic about it. There’s nothing in it to wake you up: no caffeine, no carbohydrates, no sugars, and no nagging mother yelling that you’ll be late for school. Even its tropical berry blend, which tasted more like fruit punch, was as weak as my attempts to earn the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in middle school.

Fucking shuttle run.

When it’s chilled, the Tahitian Tamure Tava tastes decent, but give it a chance to warm up, the artificial sweeteners stick out, like nipples on a cold, windy day under a thin, but soft, American Apparel t-shirt. Since it’s a zero-calorie beverage and contains artificial sweeteners, it’s safe to assume that the carbonated Tava is a diet soda. What I’m not sure of are the reasons why they added scant amounts vitamin D, niacin, vitamin B6, and chromium to it. If they’re going to add vitamins and minerals, they should make it worth our while or else someday another beverage with more vitamins and minerals and contains a three-word alliteration will take their title away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 0 calories, 0 g of fat, 55 mg of sodium, 0 g of carbohydrates, 0 g sugar, 0 g protein, 15% vitamin D, 15% niacin, 15% vitamin B6, and 15% chromium.)

Item: Tahitian Tamure Tava
Price: $3.00 (4 pack – on sale))
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The greatest beverage that contains three-word alliteration. Tastes decent when chilled. Nice light fruit punch flavor. No fat. No sugar. No calories. Three-word alliteration.
Cons: Tastes bad when warm. Light flavor. Scant amounts of vitamins and minerals. No caffeine. Visible nipples on a cold, windy day. Not earning the Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Having technology-dysfunctional people promote your product on the internet.

22 thoughts to “Tahitian Tamure Tava”

  1. @bcguitar33 – Coh crappy crap!

    @Natalie – Skinny cans = energy drink = fruity diet soda = easy to grip

    @Jesse – Adding it to the cons list would just perpetuate the horrors of the shuttle run. Oh the memories.

    @Chuck – It’s got Splenda. Avoid it, like pull-ups.

    @Reprobate – Oh, I remember dodgeball. It’s when I learned getting hit in the balls with a red rubber ball hurts.

    @armauld – The only thing Red Bull gives me is gas.

    @Heidi – I really want public soda drinking fountains in parks.

    @Kate – I don’t know why I need chromium too. I could use chrome plating.

    @Neil – I like weaklings too.

  2. @Miranda – I prefer Diet Pepsi. Let’s fight!

    @Leslie – I’ll stick to milk, because Mr. T says so.

    @TM – I hope it wasn’t skim milk. Whole milk and root beer sounds good.

    @bikerbabeee – Oh, I’ve got more fast food reviews coming up. Unless, I die before posting them.

    @Nevis – Actually, it does taste like a carbonated sports drink.

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