NEWS: Naked Juice Introduces New Acai and Pomegranate Flavors

This week, Naked Juice introduced two new flavors to their lineup of smoothies and juices — Acai Machine smoothie and Pomegranate juice.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! It turns out that Naked Juice has an Acai Pomegranate juice, making the next paragraph incorrect.)

Naked Juice is coming late to the antioxidant party, since pomegranate was big in 2007 and acai was the shiznit in 2008. It makes me wonder if they’re only now putting up their Friendster profile. I guess late is better than never, but unfortunately for Naked Juice the kegs are empty and all the pizza is gone. Although being Naked Juice, they’re probably not into drinking beer and eating pizza.

But I think they might be into the stripper.

The Naked Acai Machine smoothie will have 178 acai berries in every 15.2 ounce bottle and also include the benefits of vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin E, elderberry, beet, black currant and grape seed extracts. The Naked Pomegranate juice will contain 4 1/3 California pomegranates in each 15.2 ounce bottle.

The Acai Machine will retail for $3.79 and the Pomegranate juice for $4.49.

NEWS: New Nachos Make Jack in the Box Look Like Jose in the Box

First off, I have to admit that I’m not a fan of Jack in the Box tacos. There are people out there who swear by them, but its oil-soaked taco shell won’t appeal to me until I can go all Willie Nelson on my Toyota Corolla’s ass and turn it into a biofuel vehicle that I can fill up by wringing the oil from those greasy Jack in the Box tacos.

But for those of you who <3 their tacos, Jack in the Box recently introduced their Taco Nachos, which is basically their tacos cut in half topped with a cheddar cheese sauce, pepper jack cheese and jalapeno slices served with salsa on the side. Nutrition values weren’t on the Jack in the Box website yet, but using the values from two regular beef tacos, the Taco Nachos will have more than 320 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2 grams of trans fat, and 540 milligrams of sodium. The Taco Nachos are available at the suggested price of $1.99.

(via Snackosaurus Rex)

The Week in Reviews – 1/31/2009

Product reviews from other blogs within the past week wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I’m looking at these pastilles and I don’t know how something so small could cover nipples. (via Candy Blog)

Candy + Baked Goods = AWESOME! It makes Krispy Kreme look like a bran muffin. (via Chocolate Mission)

Speaking of Krispy Kreme, I find the shape of these Krispy Kreme donuts to be appropriate…if you turn them around. They look like the huge asses one would get from eating too much Krispy Kreme donuts. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

The T.G.I. Friday’s here on the rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean closed down years ago, but it’s good to know that I can enjoy some of their cuisine without the over enthusiastic employees in striped shirts. (via Freezer Burns)

I imagine this image would be a common sight in the sinks and toilets at a guacamole and tequila festival. (via Heat Eat Review)

REVIEW: Bertolli Premium Champignon & Portobello Mushroom Pasta Sauce

While it’s impressive that it takes only 90 seconds to heat up the Bertolli Premium Champignon & Portobello Mushroom Pasta Sauce, having to wait 10-15 minutes for the noodles to be prepared pretty much defeats the purpose of the sauce’s quickness, unless you don’t eat noodles because you’ve been following the Atkins Diet religiously since 1999 and think that noodles are the devil’s pitchfork poking at your pudgy sides.

The instructions to heat this bag of pasta sauce was extremely easy. All I had to do was cut off one of the top corners of the bag to let it vent, stick it in the microwave for 90 seconds, dance during those 90 seconds, let it cool down for a minute and then pour it over my pasta of choice, which is either linguine or whatever that pasta in Spaghetti O’s is called.

But perhaps the instructions were too easy. I don’t know about you, but I like a little excitement when I’m cooking or warming up food. The chance of something exploding, me getting hurt or staining my clothing is quite exhilarating. That’s why my nipples get stiff whenever I see Benihana chefs go at some food with knives or when someone deep fries an entire turkey in a huge pot of boiling oil.

However I am thankful I can kick it how my grandma used to kick it and heat it on a stove. I won’t be able heat it up in 90 seconds, because unfortunately my stove goes up to 11 (Yeah, that’s right. I just dropped a Spinal Tap reference).

The pasta sauce was piping hot as I added it to my linguine noodles and there’s enough sauce for three servings. It was slightly chunky and there were small bits of mushrooms, but there weren’t huge slices like what’s shown on the front of the package. Even with all of those small bits of mushrooms, I could hardly taste them over the tomato sauce. Overall, it was a tasty pasta sauce, but I think if there was more of a mushroom flavor, it would’ve been even better.

The sauce may have been good, but I think I would prefer pasta sauce that comes in a glass bottle not only because it provides 2-3 times more pasta sauce than this product at the same price, but also because if I drop the bottle there is a good chance that I might get hurt, it will explode, and I will stain my clothes.

Oh! Just thinking about it almost made something else explode.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup (about 3 servings per bag) – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 60% Vitamin A, 15% Calcium, 10% Vitamin C, and 10% Iron.)

Item: Bertolli Premium Champignon & Portobello Mushroom Pasta Sauce
Price: $2.50 on sale
Size: 13.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sauce. Slightly chunky. Convenient and really quick to warm up (90 seconds). Danger in the kitchen. Can also heat on a stove. The pasta in Spaghetti O’s.
Cons: No big slices of mushrooms, only small bits. Light mushroom flavor. Pasta sauce in bottles provide 2-3 times more sauce at the same price. Champignon is not the same as champagne.

REVIEW: Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar

Salty and sweet should just get a room already.

A lot of confectionary companies have been putting the two together for years, but let’s make their joining official. I say we stick them in a hotel room, close the door behind us, hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door knob, and let nature takes its course, like newlyweds consummating their marriage.

Although I will feel sorry for the person in housekeeping who has to clean up that mess after salty and sweet do their thing.

One candy company has come up with a creative way to blend salty and sweet. The Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar, on paper, is a sexy three-way copulation between applewood smoked bacon, alder wood smoked salt and milk chocolate. It’s not titillating because there’s a lot of wood involved. It’s hot because Vosges takes two things that are already sexy on their own — bacon and chocolate — and puts them together into an exotic amalgamation that your grandma wouldn’t approve of. I guess the Mo’s Bacon Bar is like the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt of candy bars. And your grandma who wouldn’t approve of it is Jennifer Aniston.

As appealing and exciting as it seemed on the outside, the taste of Mo’s Bacon Bar on my tongue teetered on the borderline of interesting and slightly disgusting. When there was too much bacon in a bite, it tasted like what I imagine the aftertaste of shotgunning a bottle of Bac-Os would be, but when there’s only a hint of bacon its salty and sweet combination isn’t bad. The bacon not only gives this candy bar its saltiness, smoky scent and ability to make people say “What the fuck?” in the middle of a fine foods store — where you’ll probably find these — it also provides the bar with a little crunchiness, like toffee pieces would.

To fully enjoy the candy bar, there are some optional instructions: “Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate.” I did do this, but all I ended up with were chocolate covered fingers from rubbing too hard and fast, which I guess is really my fault since rubbing really hard and fast is a force of habit.

I thought bacon made everything better, but the Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar has proven me very wrong. And now that I know it’s not true, I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Maybe there is a Santa Claus. Maybe I CAN put my entire fist in my mouth. Maybe Simon Cowell gives constructive criticism. Maybe I’m the last Cylon.

I don’t know anymore.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 squares (2.5 servings per bar) – 170 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams dietary fiber, 20 grams sugar, 3 grams protein, 4% Calcium, and 6% Iron.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the TIB readers who recommended this product. Candy Addict also reviewed this exotic amalgamation.)

Item: Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar
Price: $7.99
Size: 3 ounces
Purchased at: R. Field
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not bad when there’s a hint of bacon. Bacon gives the bar a nice crunchiness. Gluten free. Being able to say “What the fuck?” in the middle of a fine foods store.
Cons: One the borderline of interesting and disgusting. Kind of gross when there’s too much bacon in a bite. Cleaning up after salty and sweet do their thang. Learning that bacon does not make everything better.

Two Quick Things

Tanya, from my favorite healthy food review blog, I Ate a Pie, asked me which of the products I reviewed in 2008 were my favorites. Click here to find out what they were.

Also, thanks to long-time TIB reader, NobleArc, I kind of feel like Stephen Colbert. In case you don’t know what I mean, on his show The Colbert Report, he sometimes asks his viewers to remix videos of him. NobleArc took my poppin’ video and added a different musical track. He said the music he used synced better with my “dancing.” Take a look below and see.