Month: July 2009

REVIEW: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich

Marvo 21 Comments

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich think they’re angry, but they’re not. I’ll show you angry, muthabitches!

Woke up at 4 am ’cause someone was dragging a bag of cans on the street.
Pissed me off because they interrupted me in the middle of REM sleep.
Got to my feet, looked outside and saw a bum digging through the trash.
Told him to be quiet or else that can in his hand would be his last.
He slurred something I didn’t understand, I think he had too much wine.
Said to him I’m going to pop a cap in his ass with my muthafuckin’ nine.
Pulled out my gat and flashed it at the defenseless homeless man.
Then he mumbled some gibberish to me I couldn’t quite understand.
I said, “Don’t make me come down there and mess you up, you bum.”
“I dare you” is what I think he slurred with his alcoholic tongue.
But my gat was a water gun I got for 100 skee ball tickets at the arcade.
So I told him, “Oh, you’re lucky I don’t have bullets. Now go away.”
Then someone yells “Shut up you two or else I’m going to call the cops.”
Then I quickly hide behind my curtains and the argument stops.

You see that? I was so angry that I might’ve killed a man. If I had a real gun, some bullets, and I wasn’t scared of firearms due to a pellet gun accident at Boy Scout camp, I would’ve dropped that hobo dead. What kind of anger do those two chicken sandwiches wield? All they have are Pepper Jack cheese, jalapenos, angry onions and angry sauce.

Ooooh, that’s angry. I’m scared of them. I better lock my doors. I better have 911 on speed dial incase they get angrier. I should go find Betty Ross so that she can calm them down when they turn into the Incredible Hulk. Pfff…Their ingredients aren’t angry. Let me show you angry.

Waiting in line to pay for my banana Slurpee.
Watching the old lady pull out her coin purse in front of me.
Oh, she better not be paying with pennies, nickels and dimes,
or else I’m going to end her life before her time.
Driving Miss Daisy spills the contents of her purse on the counter,
I was going spill my Slurpee on her head and then pound her.
Counting off each coin one by one by one by one,
She owed $5.23 for a sandwich and a bag of Funyuns.
The cashier tried to speed things up by collecting her amount,
but the old hag didn’t want anyone to help her count.
I lose my mind and yell at her, “Could you go any slower?”
I cause her to miscount and now she has to start all over.
Now everyone in the back of the line is yelling at me.
“How could you be so mean to the elderly?”
Some guy grabs my Slurpee and pours it over my head.
I ran out of the store and cried like a baby as I fled.

Yeah, that’s right. I was so angry that I would’ve beat up an old lady. And if it weren’t for that guy who was smart enough to cool my hot head down with a Slurpee, who knows what I might’ve done to that grandma who says “hi” to me every time I pass her on the sidewalk.

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich are like their weak ass cousin, the Angry Whopper — all talk, no burn. The only thing that saves their asses from being total wussies is the fact the both of them are kind of tasty, although I thought the Angry Tendercrisp was a little better. The angry sauce gives both of them a nice barbeque flavor with a little kick, but not enough to be considered “angry.” The jalapenos also provide a little more heat than the sauce and the “angry onions” don’t add anything, except a little crunch. The bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce and the lettuce and tomatoes help to cool each sandwich’s “anger” even more. But, again, both sandwiches are tasty.

I guess in order for me to consider them angry, the Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich would have to either kill a hobo for making too much noise or bitch slap an elderly person for paying in pennies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Angry Tendercrisp – 1030 calories, 61 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 2670 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar and 40 grams of protein. Angry Original Chicken Sandwich – 870 calories, 55 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 2430 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

(We Rate Stuff reviewed the Angry Original Chicken Sandwich and the Angry Tendercrisp.)

Item: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Price: $5.49 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Pros: Tasty sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Angry sauce has a nice barbeque flavor. Chicken coating was crispy. Angry onion provide crunch. Lettuce and tomatoes provide vegetables. My skee ball skills.
Cons: Not angry. Extremely high in sodium. Contains trans fat. Bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce. Elderly abuse. Killing hobos. Paying for purchases with pennies. My rhyming ability.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme

Marvo 15 Comments

What is black, white and red all over?

An Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme on top of an apple.

HA! HA! HA!

I know. Right about now you want to punch me in the face for that horrible riddle. I’ll admit, it wasn’t at all impressive and, just to let you know, I punched myself in the face for it. But I came up with that poorly conceived riddle to see if I could create something as unimaginative as the Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme cookies.

It seems Nabisco is taking a page out of the Pop-Tarts Playbook by offering flavors that are straight off of an ice cream parlor’s menu. It’s like they looked under Pop-Tarts’ skirt to find out what panties she was wearing, discovered it was a Victoria’s Secret PINK thong, picked one up for herself and pretended to be Pop-Tarts in front of a mirror. It’s sort of like the movie Single White Female, except no one gets stabbed with a shoe or screwdriver and that guy from the TV show Wings isn’t around.

Could Nabisco try to impress me? All the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme consists of is a filling that’s half regular white Oreo filling and half fudge flavored filling in between two regular chocolate cookies. It seems they put as much effort into it as I did with the riddle at the beginning of this review. It’s like all they did was forge together a normal Oreo with a Chocolate Creme one. They’re gonna have to do more than that. They gotta tickle my balls, and not just with their fingers, but lightly with their fingernails. Or if they have either handy, a feather or a starchy tube sock.

I’ll admit, I did enjoy the Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme, but that’s not saying much because as I’ve said before, I would get busy with any Oreo flavor in a Burger King bathroom. It has a decent chocolateyness to it that wasn’t too powerful thanks to the white Oreo filling, but I think it tastes too similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme.

There were also inconsistencies with the ratio of fudge filling to normal white filling. Some Oreos had a lot of fudge filling, while others had little. There was also shiny, oily film over the filling, which I’m going to call Oreo Sweat — feel free to add it to Urban Dictionary. While the Oreo Sweat makes it easier to twist off the top cookie, if you’re into licking the filling, you dirty girl, it’s not really pleasant to think that this cookie can get wet.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 8% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Fudge Sundae Creme
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I enjoyed it. I’d get busy with it in a Burger King bathroom. Decent chocolateyness. Pretty much any Oreo flavor is a good flavor. Thongs. Tickled balls.
Cons: Taste similar to the Oreo Chocolate Creme. Unimpressive flavor idea. Shiny, oily film over filling. Inconsistencies with filling ratio. Contains high fructose corn syrup. My riddle abilities.

REVIEW: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum

Kayla 10 Comments

Pomegranate used to be one of those foods that pretentious, health conscious people in intellectual, or gourmet culinary, circles used to brag about at art auctions or fundraising benefits for obscure diseases. Now, it seems that pomegranate is that indie band who sold out by signing with a major label and having their Top 40 single remixed by T-Pain (which was also re-remixed by Kidz Bop).

Everything is coming pomegranate flavored, including ice cream, lip balm, alcoholic beverages, cereals, condoms and personal lubricants. Well, the last two I’m not too sure if they do come in pomegranate, but if I find them in my product expeditions, I will let you know.

I know I’m going to sound like one of those assholes that say they were fans of a band “before they got popular,” but I’ve been enjoying pomegranate since I was a wee little thing. Of course, my mother didn’t call them pomegranates; they were Indian apples (or Southeast Asian apples if you want to be politically correct). They were so beautiful that I would consume each seed individually, because they were like little rubies. I would also run my hands through all of the seeds and pretend I was a billionaire heiress counting her jewels (Hmm…maybe that’s something I should tell my future therapist). But now that pomegranate is the “it” fruit, more people are consuming pomegranate “flavored” items and not tasting the real McCoy.

Orbit Positively Pomegranate does not taste like the real McCoy, because it’s artificially flavored, of course. When has something artificial tasted or felt better than the real thing?

Wait…maybe I won’t go there.

The gum has a strong texture to it, but I find that a lot with Orbit Gum, it’s not hard per se, but if you can’t chew it, it might be time to admit defeat, let go of your pride and buy a pack of Freedent. I can best describe the gum as having a generic fruity gum flavor; it’s tasty, but you can’t really distinguish much of it. As for Positively Pomegranate’s stamina, it needs some help from those little blue pills, topical creams or whatever gum uses to boost up flavor longevity.

It’s really odd, but I found after chewing it for about two hours I developed a sore throat, which has never happened before with gum. It’s still tasty, but is it worth the throat discomfort that lasts longer than the gum’s flavor? Probably not. Of course, this was my personal experience; and like weight loss commercials that air after Taco Bell ads showing burritos in all of their beefy, cheesy glory, individual results may vary.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum
Price: $1.49
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wawa
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice fruity flavor. Good chewing texture. The irony of fast food ads followed by weight loss commercials. Sugar free. Being ahead of the curve and not being an asshole about it.
Cons: Flavor isn’t really pomegranate. Gives sore throats, if chewed on for a long time. Pretentious people who make it clear that they are ahead of the curve. Indie bands who sell out. Kidz Bop albums. That weird Orbit chick in the commercials.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal

Marvo 32 Comments

Earlier this year, Jack in the Box came out with their $2.99 Jumbo Deal, which consisted of two beef tacos, a small fries, a Jumbo Jack and the feeling in your stomach that you’re doing something horribly wrong by eating it all. It was great for those who wanted their Jack in the Box saturated fat and sodium fix in this tough economy.

But, like most of the money in everyone’s retirement funds, this cheap meal disappeared. Thankfully, Jack has been kind enough to bring back a $2.99 meal, and this time it’s got a name that was probably conceived with the help of the old name and a Roget’s Thesaurus — The Big Deal.

The name is not the only thing different about this $2.99 meal. It comes with a small fries, a beef taco, either a chicken sandwich or cheeseburger and, most importantly, a beverage, which was something the Jumbo Deal didn’t have, making it hard to satisfy your thirst caused by consuming all the sodium in it. This orgy of trans fats, which by the way is the least sexiest orgy ever, has enough variety to make sure there’s something for even the pickiest stoner.

Despite having variety, none of the items in the Big Deal were new or interesting. The cheeseburger was so boring that I’m surprised the microwave oven used to warm it up didn’t fall asleep. If you’ve had a mediocre cheeseburger in any time of your life, whether it be in a school cafeteria or at some shitty diner at 3 a.m., you’ll have an idea of what this wimpy cheeseburger tastes like.

As for the beef taco, well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Jack in the Box beef taco is one of the most vile fast food menu items. It takes some huge balls to deep fry an entire taco and then sell it to the public. Not even Taco Bell is willing to do that, and they put out a lot of crap.

Jack in the Box’s Natural Cut Fries may not have been circumcised and still have the potato skin on them, but they are quite possibly the most limp fast food fries around. I’m talking seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position limp.

By themselves, the boring cheeseburger, deep fried taco and limp fries, aren’t going to encourage me to raise my blood pressure and harden my arteries by eating them. But when all of them are offered together with a medium drink for only $2.99, it makes the cheeseburger a little exciting, the fries a little crispy and the taco a little less greasy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Big Deal with cheeseburger minus drink – 764 calories, 37 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 6 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1414 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal
Price: $2.99
Size: Enough
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good variety of food. It’s only $2.99. Nice amount of food. It’s only $2.99. It comes with a drink. It’s only $2.99. Its price makes everything slightly better than they truly are. It’s only $2.99. High in protein. It’s only $2.99.
Cons: 6 grams of trans fats (Seriously? 6 grams? If KFC can go trans fat free, then JITB should too). High in sodium. Boring cheeseburger. Greasy deep fried taco. Limp fries. Mental erectile dysfunction caused by seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position.

REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum

Marvo 20 Comments

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.