Month: September 2009

REVIEW: Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait

Marvo 20 Comments

I highly doubt the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait will truly give me any delight, because it competes with my love for puppies, NBC’s primetime comedy lineup on Thursdays, and my ability to masturbate. The last one I mentioned is the heavyweight champion because it doesn’t cost any money and I can pretty much do it anywhere, even without a Macy’s lingerie ad cut out from a newspaper.

But now that I think about it, Yoplait yogurt has always been marketed to women, so the Yoplait Delights Parfait isn’t meant for men, but is really meant for women, much like Secret deodorant and Mazda Miatas.

But if I think about it even more, Yoplait Delights Parfaits are intended for delicate women who like to be gently touched. How did I come up with this conclusion? Because Yoplait also has lines of yogurt called Whips! and Thick & Creamy, which sound like they’re meant for women who like it a bit rough.

The Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait comes in a pack of four 4-ounce cups, which are two ounces smaller than regular Yoplait yogurt containers. Each cup has two layers of yogurt filled with live and active cultures: a lemon-flavored yogurt on the bottom and a vanilla-flavored yogurt on top. Unlike most other Yoplait yogurts, there isn’t any fruit in the cup.

Separately, each flavor tastes decent, but when the two yogurt flavors are mixed together, it’s like Betty Crocker is baking a lemon cake in my mouth. It’s quite tasty and creamy, but I didn’t get any delight from it, unless you count the French kissing I did with the spoon to lick it clean.

While I may not have received any delight, I’m sure women who try the Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait might get a different result. So if you’re a woman and like lemon cake as much as I like puppies, 30 Rock and masturbation, you should get your hands on this product. While you’re doing that, I’ll be using my hands for something else.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 100 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium, 15% vitamin D, 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Lemon Torte Yoplait Delights Parfait
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4-pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like lemon cake. Creamy. 100 calories per serving. Contains live and active cultures. Decent source of vitamin D and calcium. 30 Rock. Masturbation. Puppies.
Cons: Doesn’t give me delight. Smaller container than regular Yoplait yogurts. Doesn’t contain pieces of fruit. Men driving Mazda Miatas. Newspaper ink getting on my hands.

REVIEW: Sonic CroisSONIC BLT

Kayla 17 Comments

“Help…me…eat…me,” the CroisSONIC BLT said as it gasped for breath when I opened its foiled wrapper. I knew something was wrong when I heard it cough like an 80-year-old diner waitress whose voice had been scarred by years of hollering out quirky names for the way an egg is cooked and inhaling second hand smoke. What could I possibly do? I looked away for a moment, pondering over if I should neglect this sandwich. No, I couldn’t possibly abandon it as it stared at me with its bacon tongue sticking out of its limp bun of a mouth, oh excuse me, croissant.

“Help…me…eat…me,” the CroisSONIC BLT continued to plead. Did it want me to end its misery after spending its entire childhood under a heat lamp? I did not want to ask it questions, because it was so pitiful to look at. It wasn’t as emotional as those commercials with Sarah McLachlan showing neglected puppies and kitties, which make me weep, but it was pretty awful.

This sandwich, if you could even call it that, put me in a very awkward position. Not as awkward as the time my grandmother asked what “Two Girls One Cup” meant, but awkward nevertheless. Should I eat it, or should I just give it to one of those puppies in that Sarah McLachlan commercial? I decided to take a bite. “Thank…you,” it said in its weak ET-like voice. I was sure that this would be a glorious day for the CroisSONIC BLT, but it would not be one for my colon.

I thought it would be harder than it was to end this sad little sandwich’s life. Actually, the entire task took less than three minutes, and that was alternating between a Diet Cherry Limeade (one of the reasons to go to Sonic) and the medium order of tater tots that came packaged along with this depressing sandwich. Thankfully, those tater tots were the Prozac I needed to help get me through the serious bouts of sadness that occurred while eating the pathetic CroisSONIC BLT.

The croissant made Burger King’s look like a freshly baked, buttery pastry that could be found in the finest of Parisian bakeries, while the strips of bacon were nice and crisp. BUT THERE WERE ONLY TWO STRIPS!!! It’s a BLT, Sonic! All caps, not a bLT. As for the lettuce and tomato, they were…well…not ripe.

The CroisSONIC BLT had so much potential, but alas, it just fell into the trap that a lot of fast food sandwiches tend to crash into (a.k.a Sandwich Skid Row). It sounds good and the original looks scrumptious, but it loses its self worth because it knows it could never live up to what’s on billboards and television commercials. It does not care what it looks like and just waits until a hungry human takes it out of its misery.

With all of these sad sandwiches, there needs to be a fast food sandwich rehab, which I think would also make a decent reality show.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 425 calories, 29.6 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 32 milligrams of cholesterol, 888 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 16% vitamin A, 7% vitamin C, 4% calcium, 8% iron.)

Item: Sonic CroisSONIC BLT
Price: $2.99 (with medium tots)
Size: 137 grams
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Good value. Crispy bacon. My colon forgiving me for eating this sandwich. Doesn’t take long to eat if you’re in a rush. It’s delivered to you by people on skates. No trans fats. Tots are good.
Cons: Limp croissant. Only two strips of bacon. Sandwiches that end up on skid row. Not enough food to cure severe bouts of hunger. Almost 30 grams of fat. Too much sodium.

REVIEW: Monster X-Presso Hammer

Marvo 6 Comments

So lemme get this straight.

The Monster X-Presso Hammer has the same amount of energy ingredients and tastes similar to a regular Java Monster Coffee Energy Drink, except it’s made in the Netherlands, comes in a can that’s more than 50 percent smaller, and it costs the same.

I’m sold!

Now I wonder if Monster Energy has a bridge, building or a used 1986 Yugo GV with a faulty transmission to sell me. Also, while we’re at it Monster Energy, here are my credit card numbers with security codes and let me bend over for you.

With only 6.75 ounces of espresso goodness, the Monster X-Presso Hammer competes with the 6.5-ounce Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso in the lightweight coffee drink division. When comparing the two, it’s more than just the size of their cans, albeit the size difference is minimal, with the Hammer being like a 32B cup and the Doubleshot being like a 32A.

The Hammer has a significantly creamier taste than the Doubleshot, which is why it has a flavor similar to the bigger and tasty Java Monster line. However, because it’s creamier, the espresso flavor isn’t as prominent as it is with the Doubleshot.

But what really sets the Monster X-Presso Hammer apart from the Starbucks Doubleshot is its use of nitrous oxide, which Monster also used in their latest line of energy drinks. The nitrous oxide helps creates a froth when the beverage is poured into a glass, making it look like an espresso beverage from a coffee shop. It’s kind of a neat trick, but unfortunately it doesn’t come with a cute barista to make a heart or some kind of art in the froth.

Overall, I’m not sure the Monster X-Presso Hammer is worth the price. It tastes similar and provides the same strong energy kick as the larger Java Monster Energy Drinks, which are also the same price. If you enjoy the bitter flavor of an espresso, the Starbucks Doubleshot would be the better choice. But if you love tulips, windmills, clogs and want to support the Netherlands via their exports, then the Monster X-Presso Hammer is for you.

(NOTE: The Monster X-Presso Hammer is made in the Netherlands, but isn’t available in the Netherlands.)

(Supplement Facts – 1 can – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 14% calcium, 9% phosphorus, 4% potassium.)

Item: Monster X-Presso Hammer
Price: $2.59
Size: 6.75 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy coffee flavor. Nice jolt of energy. Nitrous oxide helps create a froth. Slightly bigger can than the Starbucks Doubleshot. The Netherlands. Tulips.
Cons: Tastes too similar to the Java Monster Energy Drink line. If you enjoy the flavor of espresso, the Starbucks version is better. No cute barista to make coffee art. Not available in the Netherlands.

REVIEW: Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks

Stacey 21 Comments

Eating Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks is pretty much exactly like the experience of going on a deep sea adventure, only without an actual boat, a body of water, maritime life and any sense of fun or enjoyment whatsoever. Well, I guess if you consider “maritime life” to be breaded sticks of unidentifiable fish, then it does at least have that. And to answer your question if I’ve seen the Kayne West episode of “South Park”: Why yes, I do like fish sticks, thank you very much.

However, these fish sticks were unfortunately very tiny, flaccid, and basically, “didn’t get the job done,” if you know what I mean. It might have helped if I had followed the conventional oven instructions, but what can I say? I’m a gal on the go and I can’t afford the precious 20-22 minutes it would have taken to cook them that way.

The flavor of the sticks themselves were otherwise bland, since the unidentifiable fish was actually pollock, according to the packaging. Pollock is pretty much like the tofu of the animal kingdom since it has no flavor to speak of on its own, and is the key ingredient in most imitation “Krab” meats. The flavor was improved slightly by some homemade mayonnaise and relish tartar sauce I whipped up to go along with it. Just because I’m a gal on the go doesn’t mean I can’t take pleasure in the details.

Other than the fish sticks, the meal also contained a meager portion of corn, which was chewy, unsatisfying and still kind of cold. I was too apathetic to heat it back up though, since I figured thorough heating wouldn’t really improve the situation. There was also an equally meager portion of “Macaroni and Cheese Sauce,” which kind of threw me for a loop. That’s like when you get chocolate covered pretzels and the packaging says: “Chocolate Flavor Coated Pretzels.” Really? I know the flavor is chocolate. But what I really want to know is what exactly the hell is on this pretzel. At any rate, the macaroni with cheese sauce was adequate, because honestly how can you screw up mac ‘n cheese?

Unless of course you put cut-up hotdogs in it like my boyfriend does. Gross.

The real excitement of the meal was a packet of three gummi sharks that came with it. They actually just tasted like normal gummies, albeit the kind of gummi that has that fluffy layer of white stuff on the bottom. My only complaint is that I got only one lime-flavored and two blue raspberry, when I would have preferred it the other way around.

Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks are prefect for parents who love their children just how they are, because with continued consumption, the 500 milligrams of sodium should eventually effectively pickle your child thereby preventing any unnecessary aging. For an adult over the age of eight, on the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend this meal since it’s basically totally unfulfilling and will make you go get your own personal tub of gummi zoo animals, which contains a much more satisfying amount of green gummies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 meal – 390 calories, 12 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 6 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein and 8% iron.)

Item: Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks
Price: $3.29
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: The Fresh Grocer
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: The Kanye West episode of “South Park.” Taking pleasure in the details. Gummi sharks.
Cons: No sense of deep sea enjoyment. Having to ever wait more than two and a half minutes for a meal. Only one lime-flavored gummi shark. Imitation Krab meat. People who put hot dogs in mac ‘n cheese.

REVIEW: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee

Marvo 15 Comments

If I repeat over and over again the name of the latest Slurpee flavor, Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant, it feels like I’ve transported myself to Strawberryland, where freckled Strawberry Shortcake and her pet cat, Custard, reside. Because everyone in Strawberryland, except for The Peculiar Purple Pie Man, replaces EVERY reference to the word “very” with “berry.”

Thankfully, repeating the name doesn’t actually teleport me to Strawberryland because getting stuck there and hearing the word “berry” all of the time would get berry fucking annoying, berry fucking fast.

See, look how annoying that was.

Also, being in Strawberryland would cause whatever masculinity I have left to be drawn out of me. I don’t have much left because I’ve had most of my masculinity sucked out of me thanks to Sanrio stores and Coldplay albums.

Speaking of things sucking, I didn’t care too much for the Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee. It has a disappointing mild sour and berry flavor. I also thought I could taste some pineapple in it. It has just as much sugar as other Slurpees, but it doesn’t taste crazy sweet like others.

I’ve never had black currant, so I can’t say if this Slurpee flavor comes close to tasting like it, but what I do know, from reading Wikipedia, is that black currant is an excellent source of vitamin C, but this product doesn’t have any.

I know. It’s not surprising it doesn’t have any vitamin C. After all, it’s a Slurpee and the only things Slurpees provide are a lot of high fructose corn syrup and something to shove down the front of my shorts on hot days.

Speaking of hot things, too bad I can’t hang out in Strawberryland for a little bit and meet Strawberry Shortcake. I would love to meet her and get to know her a lot better, because I have a thing for redheads and I might want to hear her say, “That feels berry, berry good.”

(NOTE: I just want to clarify I’m talking about 1980s Strawberry Shortcake, which would make her more than legal.)

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – 189 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 51 grams of sugar.)

Item: Battleberry Yumberry Black Currant Slurpee
Price: $1.59
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great for hot weather days. Redheads. Not a source for anything wholesome.
Cons: Disappointing sour and berry flavor. High fructose corn syrup. High in sugar. Getting trapped in Strawberryland. Getting my masculinity drained out of me via Coldplay albums.