REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog

Here I go again, reviewing another Hot Pocket. What keeps me coming back to the Hot Pockets product line when I know every pocket will be reminiscent of the last? Do I have a problem? Will my constant attraction to all pockets Hot, Lean, and Pretzeld ultimately be my undoing?

The new Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket may not be the best Hot Pocket Ive ever tasted, but it certainly provides no cure for my stuffed sandwich addiction. In other words, Im hooked on Hot Pockets. Can we make that a slogan and sell it to the Hot Pockets people? I can use the money to pay for treatment.

Psssst…Treatment includes lots and lots of burning the roof of ones mouth.

Lets start with the filling because as we all know, Hot Pockets are like my unattractive friend I want you to ask out: Its whats inside that counts. The name itself spells everything out for you. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket contains chili sauce made with beef and chicken pattie crumbles, which is suitably savory.

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Innards

It also contains cheese just gooey and flavorful enough to make a good impression. But that dog part? The box claims that the chili sauce contains pork franks. The last time I ate pork frank pieces this tiny was when I was experiencing finger foods for the first time in my high chair. The Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket is filled with more lies than pork franks.

And if youre expecting an awesome exterior to make up for the disappointing interior, youre out of luck. The Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket has an unseasoned, unspectacular crust. In fact, its a lot like a plain ol hot dog bun. (Another thought… just what should I call this outer part of the sandwich if they keep changing the texture? The crust? The bun? WHAT DO I CALL THE POCKET PART OF A HOT POCKET??? Since Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pockets arent particularly crusty, Im going with “buns.” The quotation marks are in full effect.)

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Bun

I tried to remember the last time I ate an unseasoned and unadorned “bun,” and I realized that these are the same “buns” they use for the Sideshots. I guess the approach with the Sideshots was to mimic a hamburger bun, and they go for the same effect here in a hot dog bun way €¦ but when I consider the filling of the Chili Sauce Cheese Dog Hot Pocket (or lack thereof), I wish they had tried something different.

In fact, they should probably have gone back to the drawing board entirely with this sandwich, starting with the ridiculous name: “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog.” Its like theyre saying Cheese Dog when they really mean Chili Dog, but they forgot to include the dog. Have the creators of this Hot Pocket never had a chili dog before in their lives? Why not just call it “Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Cheese?” Eliminate the weird “Sauce” part and any reference to HOT DOGS altogether. With the scanty amount of pork franks in this Hot Pocket, it wouldve been better to let us make the pleasant discovery of pork frank pieces in our chili-infused sandwich, and then wed be happy instead of incensed.

Okay, I just went on a long rant about a microwaveable sandwich. Maybe I do have a problem.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 280 calories, fat calories, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 10% Iron, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Vitamin A.)

Item:  Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chili Sauce Cheese Dog
Price: $2.49 (on sale)
Size:  2 sandwich
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating:  5 out of 10
Pros:  Suitably savory chili with beef and chicken pattie crumbles. Hooked on Hot Pockets. Gooey cheese. Will not negatively affect my Hot Pockets addiction.
Cons: Filled with more lies than pork franks. Burning the roof of your mouth. Unseasoned bun. Quotation marks.

REVIEW: Nabisco Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons

Nabisco Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons

I was a weird kid when it came to food. You know how some young people have old souls or they’re mature for their age. Well, I had mature tastebuds. In other words, I ate foods kids wouldn’t eat, but old folks would.

Every week, our hair-netted school cafeteria workers would put a trio of prunes covered with heavy syrup on our green green gasoline lunch trays in order to meet FDA nutritional guidelines for school lunches. While those prunes helped the cafeteria food meet nutrition standards, they did not meet the taste standards of my fellow classmates.

While everyone else dumped their prunes into the large food waste bins designated to become pig slop, I ate them. And I liked them. I even once asked my fellow classmates if I could have their prunes, but later learned the consequences of eating too many prunes and I never wore those brown corduroy Sears Toughskins pants again.

But I still eat prunes…on occasion…in moderation. Not only did I eat and enjoy prunes at a young age, I also liked Fig Newtons.

While everyone else would ask their parents for Oreo cookies, chocolate chip cookies, or whatever the Keebler elves made with magic, I would sneak into the shopping cart some chewy Fig Newtons. Sure, the girls in my class said I was weird and the boys would tease me about my Fig Newtons, but I didn’t care because they were yummy in my tummy.

I was also teased about the fact that I read many of the original Nancy Drew Mystery Stories.

Over the years Nabisco has developed a few other fruit Newtons, like Strawberry and Raspberry Newtons, but for some strange reason, I prefer the fig version over them. The latest fruits to be turned into chewy Newtons cookies are peaches and apricots.

Nabisco Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons Closeup

The new Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons aren’t just any Newtons, they’re made with 100 percent whole grain, which means their texture is going to be a little weird compared with regular Newtons. Each serving provides five grams of whole grain and three grams of fiber. Thanks, whole grain! But their texture isn’t as cakey as regular Newtons and they’re also a bit drier. Thanks, whole grain!

One thing I can’t blame the whole grain for is how odd these Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons taste. Despite them being made with real fruit, there’s something slightly artificial tasting about them. The apricot puree used to create the filling tastes much like the dried apricot you’d find next to the dried prunes at your local grocery store, but the peach puree in it isn’t so peachy. It tastes similar to peach candy I’ve had which used artificial flavors. The artificialness is surprising because according to the upper right corner of the packaging, it’s made with “Natural Flavor with Other Natural Flavor.”

Thanks to their flavor and texture, the Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons are my least favorite chewy Newton cookie by far.

They’re weird.

They’re weirder than I was in grade school.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 100 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, and 2% iron.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Item: Nabisco Sweet Peach & Apricot Newtons
Price: $3.59 (on sale)
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Made with whole grain. Made with real fruit. Decent source of dietary fiber. Prunes. Fig Newtons. Nancy Drew Mystery Stories.
Cons: Odd flavor. Whole grain texture. My least favorite Newtons. Artificial tasting peach flavor. Made with partially hydrogenated oil. Being teased for being a nerd. Eating too many prunes.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because You Want To Make Me Drive In The Nation’s Worst Traffic

Wendy's

Hey! We’re giving away a $25 Wendy’s gift card. Want to enter? Then read on.

Damn. That was such a lazy intro. Usually, they’re a bit more elaborate. Maybe it’s because I’m not excited about giving away a $25 Wendy’s gift card. I should be because they have those new Signature Sides, but I’m not. Maybe I’m not excited because I have to drive in our country’s worst traffic to get to the nearest Wendy’s in order to purchase the gift card we’re giving away.

YAY! WENDY’S GIFT CARD PRIZE DRAWING!

Ugh. Even though it was all in caps and used exclamation points, I’m afraid the previous sentence had no emotion.

Anyhoo, to enter The Impulsive Buy’s Wendy’s gift card prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. I don’t care what you say in your comment, but it would be awesome if it included things you’ve dipped into a Wendy’s Frosty.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winner for his or her mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Thursday, May 31, 2012 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one comment allowed per person, and it’s only open to U.S. residents who are at least 18 years old.

For those of you who have a Twitter account, you can get an additional entry by tweeting the following by Thursday, May 31, 2012 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time:

@theimpulsivebuy I want to grab a @Wendys Frosty and dip a [insert here the thing you’d like to dip into a Frosty] into it.

So just copy, paste, insert, and tweet. Only one tweet per Twitter account.

Good luck!

Fine Print: Wendy’s is not affiliated with this prize drawing. The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about how to improve your SEO. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you glossy flyers from used car dealerships. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, you getting stuck in the worst traffic in the U.S.

Image via flickr user Like_the_Grand_Canyon / CC BY 2.0

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 5/25/2012

Here are some new products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. We may or may not review them, but we’d like to let you know what new items are popping up. We’ll also occasionally throw in an unusual product.

Good Humor Mounds Bar

Last year, Good Humor released Reese’s Peanut Butter Ice Cream Cups. This year, they’ve expanded their candy bar inspired line with Mounds and York Ice Cream Bars. Mounds Ice Cream Bars are coconut light ice cream with real coconut dipped in a dark chocolate flavored coating, while York Ice Cream Bars are made up of peppermint light ice cream dipped in dark chocolate flavored coating.

New IHOP products

Yay! More IHOP At Home frozen breakfasts based on nothing from IHOP’s restaurant menu. About this time last year the first IHOP At Home products hit the shelves. Come on, Denny’s, it’s been a year! Frozen Grand Slams FTW!

Hostess Apple Cinnamon Donettes

Hostess Soft-Baked Cookies

Is it just me or do those new Apple Cinnamon Donettes have a weird color to them? They look like rocks in a bag. Well, thank goodness the new Hostess Soft Baked Cookies look like cookies. I could’ve sworn Hostess sold cookies in the past or maybe it’s all the white Twinkies cream I’ve consumed that’s clouding my memory. Read a Hostess Soft Baked Cookies review here.

DiGiorno Italian-Style Favorites

Two-thirds of the DiGiorno Italian-Style Favorites pizza flavors — Chicken Parmesan and Meatball Marinara — sound like they’re pizzas topped with Italian dishes. They also sound like Subway sandwiches. Oh wait…They are Subway sandwiches. There’s also a Meat Trio variety made up of sausage, pepperoni, and salami. The pizza’s crust has a touch of olive oil and herbs, but I would’ve preferred a crust stuffed with hot dogs.

Herr Hot Dog Chips

Speaking of hot dogs (segue), here’s a picture of Herr’s artificially flavored hot dog potato chips. I wonder if they taste similar to a Costco hot dog topped with ketchup, mustard, and the contents of a crushed snack-szied bag of Ruffles.

Images 2-6 courtesy of Impulsive Buy reviewer Adam

If you’re out shopping and see a new product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, email it to us at [email protected] with “Spotted” in the subject line, and you might see it in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Special K Pastry Crisps (Chocolatey Delight and Brown Sugar Cinnamon)

Special K Pastry Crisps (Chocolatey Delight and Brown Sugar Cinnamon)

I’m not going to lie. Being a 23-year-old dude does come with a certain amount of biological advantages. Chief among these, of course, is a metabolism fast enough it outrace the Millennium Falcon on the Kessel Run and still have time for a bathroom stop. Twelve parsecs? Please. I burn through Twinkies in ten.

Having said metabolism affords me quite a few liberties when wandering through Walmart. Endcaps and register lanes offering 99-cent fruit pies and bagged chips are child’s play for my appetite, which instead often leads me to entire family-size bags of potato chips and cookies. Now, I realize these little jaunts into junk food bliss will eventually take their toll on me, and in an effort to stave off the advent of full man-boobage development and male pattern baldness, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to at least peek into what any future “diet” might entail.

There are, of course, many options. The Paleo Diet and Atkins Diet are especially attractive to my inner sense of wannabe-machismo, but who am I kidding, I could never give up on the worthless carbs of packaged snacks. That brings up the intriguing option of Fiber One, if only for the shameful premise that eating 7,000 percent of my daily RDA in fake fiber wouldn’t endear me to my co-workers. With these options crossed off the list, I rounded the cereal aisle at Walmart thinking that my experiment in semi-healthy eating wasn’t going to happen. That’s when they hit me. Or rather, I hit them, thanks to dodging an aisle clearing drag race of old people in electric scooters. That’s right friends, Special K.

I have no idea what the “K” stands for in Special K (potassium?), and after more than a decade of eschewing their products, I still have no idea what makes them so special. But when finding myself suddenly facing the new Chocolatey Delight and Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pastry Crisps, I decided to take a little trip into the future and see if the coming years of man-boobage can be staved off with a little help from what looked to be a Pop-Tart in disguise.

I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is I’m probably going to get man-boobs no matter what. The good news is that the new Special K Pastry Crisps will help me slow that ineluctable fate one portion controlled wrapper at a time.

Special K Chocolatey Delight Pastry Crisps Outtards

The Chocolatey Delight crisps taste somewhere between a chocolate fudge Pop-Tart and a Keebler Fudge Stripe cookie. There’s a pronounced shortbread crisp which lacks the heavy and dull wheat snack bread like crusts of a Pop-Tart, while a lickable portion of chocolatey “icing” provides added sweetness and pronounced cocoa flavor. Is it chocolate? I don’t know for sure, but it’s chocolatey, and hey, we’re not eating for man boobs, remember?

Special K Chocolatey Delight Pastry Crisps Innards

In any case, there’s enough of the sweet glycerin-based filling to keep each bite interesting and moist, and despite the relatively small size, I find myself preferring the crumbly morsels and sweet “crisp” to any ambiguously flavored chocolate Pop-Tart I’ve had in the past. My only complaint is that each wrapper contains two very small pastries. We’re talking slightly larger than a baseball card here and less than a half ounce each, so probably no more than a few man-chomps for a crisp.

Special K Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pastry Crisps Innards

The Brown Sugar Cinnamon flavor isn’t as good, although the smell alone makes it worth buying. It’s that intensely rich, buttery cinnamon sugar spread smell that wafts through malls across these here United States thanks to the Cinnabon franchise. A light drizzle of sweet icing won’t fool even the most diet-food inoculated eaters into thinking it could actually pass for cream cheese icing, but it adds a nice touch to the otherwise crispy pastry.

Special K Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pastry Crisps Wrapper

The taste is standard as far as brown sugar cinnamon goes, with a little extra emphasis on the cinnamon. Nothing life-changing, but at 100 calories per two pastries, one can’t set his sights that high. Again, my only complaint is the size, and in this case, the amount of cinnamon-sugar “goo.” The paste actually has a nice consistency, but it’s tough to appreciate when a scant teaspoon or so fills the shell.

I’m not going to lie. Buying a pack of Special K Pastry Crisps isn’t the most masculine thing I’ve done in the past week. But I can live with that. Just as a I can live with a slow metabolism when I get older, provided Special K continue to disguise Pop-Tarts in the guise of 100-calorie pack Pastry Crisps. Until then though, it’s full steam ahead down the cookie aisle, provided the scooter drag races don’t take me out first.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 crisps – 100 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams to trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 25 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Special K Pastry Crisps (Chocolatey Delight and Brown Sugar Cinnamon)
Price: $2.54
Size: 5 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Chocolatey Delight)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Brown Sugar Cinnamon)
Pros: Filling tastes just as good as a Pop-Tart. Chocolatey Delight reminds me of a Keebler cookie. No lame edges. No hydrogenated oils. Icing drizzle provides extra sweetness. Smells great. No toaster required. Portion control. Avoiding man boobs.
Cons: Small, very small. Not real chocolate. Needs more gooey filling. Icing could use more pronounced flavor. Avoiding death by electric scooter at Walmart. A future with a slow metabolism.