One of the reasons why I decided to review the Cookies & Twix candy bar was because I was told they’re almost as good as sex.
I didn’t quite believe her, so I decided to look deeper into it by reaching into my limited sexual history.
Wait, do blow-up dolls and shady massage parlors count?
I’ll just add them anyway.
After I scanned my limited sexual history, I realized that Melanie was wrong.
These Cookies & Twix candy bars are very good, so good, in fact, I think they’re better than first-time sex.
With first-time sex, there’s a lot of fumbling, not knowing where to put things, putting the condom on the wrong way, a lot of questions being asked, like “Is it in?”, “Does it feel good?” or “Does it hurt?” and premature ejaculation.
I gotta admit, I would rather have a Cookies & Twix candy bar, than experience first-time sex all over again. So I believe that sometimes these Cookies & Twix candy bars are indeed better than sex.
Hey, she didn’t say what kind of sex?
Anyway, now that we have that settled, I really do like these Cookies and Twix candy bars, but I have a problem with them. They’re hardly different than the delicious regular Twix?
They both have the same parts (a cookie, caramel, and chocolate), except put together differently.
Basically, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is a regular Twix turned inside out. Instead of having a cookie surrounded by caramel and chocolate, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is caramel and chocolate surrounded by a cookie.
I believe the Cookie & Twix candy bar is actually the deformed and rejected Twix, that have formed due to some kind of inbreeding. Of course, this is just a hypothesis, but the clues point to inbreeding.
Nevertheless, I love these deformed Twix, just as much as regular Twix.
I’ve got room in my stomach for both of them.
Item: Cookies & Twix Purchase Price: 45 cents Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Very good. If you like Twix, you’ll like these. Showing love to the Deformed Twix. Cons: Looks kind of small. This is what you get when Twix inbreed.
I’m skeptical of things that claim to be “magical.”
For example, Magic Markers. I haven’t found anything “magical” about them, except when I sniff them for too long, which causes me to “magically” prance around naked on all fours, pretending to be a pretty, pretty little pony.
Also, those Magic: The Gathering playing cards, they “magically” give my friend’s little cousins the ability to totally kick my ass at something.
Finally, there’s David Blaine, who claims to be a “magician,” but all the things he does isn’t really magic, like stand on a flagpole for 35 hours, or spend seven days underwater in a see-through coffin, or live in a plastic box suspended over a river for 44 days, or stand at a truck-stop urinal and pee for 3 hours.
So I wasn’t expecting much from the Jolly Time Mallow Magic microwave popcorn.
The concept of Mallow Magic is much like the Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn I reviewed earlier this month. It’s microwave popcorn with a sweet creamy topping.
Also, like the Cinnabon Popcorn, each box of Mallow Magic comes with two bags of unpopped popcorn and two pouches of creamy marshmallow topping.
I liked the sweet Cinnabon Popcorn, so I was looking forward to trying the sweet marshmallowy taste of the Mallow Magic Popcorn. So I put the flat bag of popcorn into the microwave and set the time for 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
I carefully watched the flat bag of popcorn in the microwave. Then suddenly, I heard a pop. Then another. Then another. Then another. I looked at the bag of popcorn and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“Oh my God! The bag…It’s growing in the microwave!” I yelled.
“I believe!!! I believe!!!”
After I took the bag out of the microwave, I instantly noticed that it was slightly smaller than all other microwave popcorn bags I’ve seen. I looked at the Cinnabon Popcorn box and the Mallow Magic box, and it turned out that the Mallow Magic bag had about one-fifth less popcorn than the Cinnabon Popcorn bag.
So, of course, this meant less popcorn.
After I added the creamy marshmallow topping, I dug into what turned out to be a nice sweet treat, that I think tasted better than the Cinnabon Popcorn.
However, they were such a nice sweet treat, that I ate an entire bag in one sitting, while trying to NOT watch American Idol.
Item: Jolly Time Mallow Magic Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale) Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: A nice sweet treat. Like kettle corn, except a lot more messy. Popcorn has fiber. Cons: Bags are smaller than most popcorn bags. Not magical, just like David Blaine.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Itâ€™s Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Over the past month or so, several readers have asked us to review certain products. Being the friendly quasi-product review blog that we are, we were happy to oblige. So this week we will be reviewing products that you, our readers, have suggested.
To start off Request Week, we will be reviewing a new mint called AquaDrops, which was suggested by poor graduate student lightpinksheep. Enjoy.)
In honor of the duet by Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez of the Spanish-language song â€œEscapemonosâ€ they performed at the Grammy Awards, Iâ€™ve decided to do a very small part of this review in Spanish, which I have no experience with, except for what Iâ€™ve learned by reading the menu at Taco Bell and watching Sesame Street as a child.
Wait, now that I think about it, all I remember from the Taco Bell menu are taco, burrito, and Chalupa. Actually, I donâ€™t think â€œChalupaâ€ is a real word. Also, the only Spanish lessons I can remember from Sesame Street are how to say open (abierto) and closed (cerrado) and how to count to ten (uno, dos, tres…um…).
Actually, I only remember how to count to three because U2 lead singer, Bono, has messed me up, thanks to the song â€œVertigo.â€ At the beginning of the song, he count â€œuno, dos, tresâ€ and then he jumps to thirteen or something. Ever since hearing that song, I canâ€™t remember how to say numbers in Spanish after three.
Damn you, Bono!
Donde esta el aqua?
Holy crap! Where the hell did that come from?
Wait, that does say â€œWhere is the water?â€ in Spanish, right?
Wow, I guess listening to Menudo records, not only puts me to sleep, I also apparently can learn some Spanish through osmosis.
Anyway, the question â€Donde esta el aqua?â€ was directed towards these new AquaDrops Hydrating â€œMints.â€
Oh, the â€œMintsâ€ are in quotations marks because thereâ€™s not much of a minty thing going on with these. The one I bought was melon-flavored and basically thatâ€™s all you really taste.
Itâ€™s definitely not like one of those powerful sinus-clearing mints, like Altoids. Although, after I sucked on an AquaDrop for awhile, there was a little tingling sensation in my mouth, which I assumed was the minty part. If it wasn’t, I may need to see a doctor.
Despite being called AquaDrops, I didnâ€™t notice a drop of aqua in them. I even smashed one with a hammer, but there wasnâ€™t any liquid at all.
Anyway, these melon-flavored AquaDrops were pretty good, even though they were sugar-free and had no aqua in them.
OH, WAIT! I feel some liquid!
Oh, never mind. Itâ€™s just my saliva.
Item: Sugar Free Melon AquaDrops Purchase Price: 99 cents Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Melon-flavor is pretty good. Like eating melon candy. Sugar free. Thank goodness my English isn’t as bad as my Spanish. Cons: Not a drop of aqua. Not really minty. Packaging says excessive consumption may have a laxative effect. Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez duet.
(Editorâ€™s Note #1: RSS and Atom feeds are working again…I think/hope)
(Editorâ€™s Note #2: Today, Iâ€™m a guest blogger for Mellie at Golly Blog Howdy. She offered to homeschool my future children, if I made an appearance on her blog. With an offer like that, I couldnâ€™t refuse. But then again, if I never have children, due to things like wearing really tight underwear, a swift kick to my balls, getting castrated while in a crazy cult, or scaring women away when I take off my clothes, Iâ€™ll get the raw end of this deal.
Anyway, Iâ€™ve written a review for her blog, which is almost the exact same review as the one below. However, the review on her blog is, um, how can I put it? Rated PG. The review below is the usual PG-13 or TV14, for you TV ratings geeks. So after you read the PG-13/TV14 review below, go read the PG version at Golly Blog Howdy.)
Thereâ€™s a container on my shelf that I specifically use for loose change and the occasional button. Recently, that container became full and I needed to figure out a way to get rid of the loose change.
I couldâ€™ve taken them to a bank and have the teller who helped me dream of shoving an adding machine down my throat. Or I couldâ€™ve given them to the panhandlers that hang outside of the convenience store down the street and watch them drown out their problems with alcohol. Or I couldâ€™ve stuck them in between my couchâ€™s cushions, so that I can finally say I found loose change in between a couchâ€™s cushions.
I eventually decided to cash them in using a Coinstar machine, which can count my coins for me. Sorry, drunk-ass panhandlers.
First, I had to find a Coinstar machine, which I did by visiting their website. There, I just inputted my zip code and the site told me where the nearest Coinstar machine was.
The nearest machine was at the locally-owned grocery store down the street that I hardly step into because their prices are slightly more expensive than the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.
I grabbed my container of coins and walked to the store. Unfortunately, this was a bad idea, because I had to pass the convenience store, and guess who were hanging out there. Yes, the panhandlers.
Now, when theyâ€™ve ask me for loose change in the past, Iâ€™ve told them that I didnâ€™t have any. This time, I couldnâ€™t say that with ten pounds of loose change in a container that was impossible to hide.
I really hoped they were too drunk to notice the Fort Knox of loose change I held in my hands. Fortunately, they were.
When I got to the store, there already was a guy unloading a small cooler of pennies into the Coinstar machine. I waited for 15 minutes as he dump over 5000 pennies into the machine.
After waiting and being amazed that 5000 pennies could fit into a small cooler, I began to dump my coins into the machine, which accepts pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half-dollar coins, and dollar coins.
One cool thing I read about the Coinstar machine is that it can detect if youâ€™ve accidently slipped in buttons, Japanese Yen, Canadian coins, other foreign coins, or those stupid penny souvenirs that are worth less than a penny. If you happen to stick in non-American money or crappy penny souvenirs, it will drop it into the slot labeled â€œCoin Return,â€ which seems kind of ironic to be called that.
When the machine was done counting my coins, it spit out a receipt that showed me how much money I put into it. My gross total was $50.06, but the machine subtracted an 8.9 percent processing fee. So my net total was $45.60.
After I got my receipt, I headed to the cashier with the shortest line to cash-in the receipt. For me, the shortest line was the four-items-or-less line, which also had the prettiest cashier. When I got to the pretty cashier, I handed her my receipt and she opened her register to get the money.
While counting the money, she asked me, â€œWhat are you going to with the money?â€
Internally, I said, â€œWell, how about you and I spend it on dinner at a nice restaurant?â€
Externally, I said, â€œUh, I dunno,â€ and then walked away.
(Iâ€™m such a pussy.)
As I walked out of the store, I began asking myself questions to figure out how to spend the money.
â€œHow many products can I review with this money?â€
â€œCould I really feed an entire village in Ethiopia for just 25 cents a day?â€
â€œHow many tricks can I get with this scratch?â€
I eventually decided to use the money to help with the purchase of an iPod Shuffle.
Item: Coinstar Purchase Price: FREE to use (8.9 percent fee for every dollar of coins counted) Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Easy to use. Convenient. No need to roll coins. Takes all types of coins, except those stupid penny souvenirs. Can turn your loose change into an iPod Shuffle. Cons: Noisy. Drunk panhandlers. I am a pussy.
Being the number one source for quasi-product reviews, the Impulsive Buy get several hits a day from people looking for reviews of products via search engines. Recently, the top products that have brought visitors to the Impulsive Buy have been Chocolate Lucky Charms and the Motorola V180.
However, we do get the occasional visitor looking for things other than product reviews. Numerous people have visited the site looking for Terra Reid boob shots (I know Tara is spelled wrong, but that’s how they spelled it).
Another person was looking for a way to make tea from ganja, which I believe is a total waste of ganja. It’s great for brownies…not so good for tea.
Finally, we had a person looking for Kids Next Door porn. For those of you who don’t know, there’s a cartoon called Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network. Now I don’t know if this person was looking for porn involving the characters from the cartoon, but I hope that person isn’t a teacher…or a priest…or Michael Jackson.
Despite all the reviews we’ve done, the most looked at reviews by those visitors that come by via the Google, Yahoo, MSN, and AOL search engines are Pop-Tarts reviews. Oh wait, that reminds me, there was this one person who was looking for, and I’m not making this up, doo-doo Pop-Tarts.
Anyway, here at the Impulsive Buy we’ve reviewed five flavors of Pop-Tarts and we add another today, Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts.
One of the great things about these new flavors of Pop-Tarts is the ability to eat them, not only, toasted and straight out of the box, but you can also eat them frozen. However, I wouldn’t recommend freezing the Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, because for some reason they tasted kind of funny.
Now I don’t know if they tasted funny because they weren’t meant to be frozen or because of the abundance of year-old frozen fish in the Impulsive Buy freezer.
When I ate one that wasn’t frozen, I really liked them, especially when it was toasted.
Despite enjoying Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, they still weren’t good enough to knockoff my undisputed heavyweight champion of Pop-Tarts flavors, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.
Item: Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts Purchase Price: $3.00 Rating: 7 out of 10 Pros: Cookies & Cream. Great tasting, but still doesn’t beat out Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts. Cons: May taste weird frozen, if you have an abundance of frozen fish in your freezer. Doo doo Pop-Tarts?
(Editor’s Note: I recently upgraded to WordPress 1.5 and things are probably not looking right. If things are looking really weird, try emptying your browsers cache. I’m trying to get my old theme back, but then again the site could use a new look. Plus, I don’t think my RSS feeds are working.)
Energy drinks are like cookie-cutter boy bands, they all look alike, none of them stand out, there are, annoyingly, waaay too many of them, and it would be nice if 90 percent of them didnâ€™t exist.
The Impulsive Buy has reviewed several energy drinks over the past seven months, like this one, this one, this one, and this one. All of them were greenish in color, almost tasted the same, and had some aggro name like â€œAdrenaline,â€ â€œPit Bull,â€ â€œRockstar,â€ or â€œMonster.â€ They also all contained the same energy inducing ingredients of caffeine, ginseng, inositol, taurine, carnitine, Ovaltine, and other things that end with â€œ-tine.â€
The Fuze Mega Energy Drink doesnâ€™t deviate from any of that. Itâ€™s just like any other energy drink youâ€™ve had.
Well folks, with the review part out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this monthâ€™s prize drawing. Unfortunately, this time the prize wonâ€™t even be close to being as kick ass as last monthâ€™s 100th review prize. (If you want to know what the prize was for the 100th review prize drawing, click here.)
We thought about giving away the 50 Gmail invitations we recently received from Google, but most of you probably already have a Gmail account and also have 50 Gmail invitations that youâ€™re trying to get rid of. So it would be pretty lame if we gave away Gmail invitations. (But if you donâ€™t have a Gmail account, just email us and weâ€™ll send an invitation your way.)
So this month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving three lucky readers each a pack of Denytne Fire, which we reviewed yesterday.
But thatâ€™s not all…
Those three winners will also each receive a pack of Dentyne Ice.
Why are we including a pack of Dentyne Ice, which we have never and will never review?
Fire and ice just go together, baby! You canâ€™t have the Ying without the Yang, Ernie without Bert, or Mary Kate without Ashley.
To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we donâ€™t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase â€œFire Iceâ€ in the subject field.
If you leave a comment, donâ€™t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Donâ€™t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.
We will start accepting entries for the drawing on February 16, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on February 19, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States and Canada. Sorry, to the rest of the world.
Entries will be stuffed into a Hefty HandySak and when itâ€™s time to pull winner we will shake it like it was a Polaroid picture or Beyonceâ€™s luscious ass. After an adequate amount of shaking, the winning entries will be pulled.
For those of you whoâ€™ve never won anything before, hereâ€™s your chance to finally to win something. If the Boston Red Sox can win a World Series, thereâ€™s hope for you, as well.
Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting a free Mac Mini. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for a Citi Bank credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.
Item: Fuze Mega Energy Drink Purchase Price: $1.99 Rating: 3 out of 5 Pros: Big can. Caffeine. Vitamins C, B6, and B12. I can now get 5 cents back for recycling the can. Cons: Tastes and looks like all the other energy drinks. Blah, blah, blah.