If you could step into my bedroom, you would probably think to yourself:
1. Why is there a rug with the famous painting of dogs playing poker on it?
2. Is the strobe light on all the time?
3. Are the eyes in the poster-sized picture of Marvo on the wall following me?
4. Whatâ€™s with all the pairs of fuzzy handcuffs?
5. Holy crap! There sure are a lot of empty bottles and boxes on that shelf.
Yes, there are a lot of empty bottle and boxes of unreviewed products on my shelf and every so often I need to whittle it down. Thank goodness for these product elections, which is an opportunity to get rid of old stuff to make room for new stuff.
Damn, I sound like a car salesman.
Anyway, for this product election, you will be able to choose from FIVE candidates:
1. Layâ€™s Pizza Stax
2. Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Buns Cereal
3. Nabisco Kid Sense Smilinâ€™ Ritz Bits
4. Rip It Energy Fuel
5. Bubblicious LeBronâ€™s Lightning Lemonade Gum
The candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will be considered the winnerâ€™s bitches.
To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Or you can email me with your choice in the subject line. Only one choice and vote per person.
Iâ€™ll be accepting votes until Sunday, June 5th. Sometime shortly after that, Iâ€™ll post the review of the winning product.
Now go vote like itâ€™s the finals of American Idol.
Just like certain health clubs and establishments with 50 cent peepshow booths, one of the great things about Jack in the Box is the fact that itâ€™s open 24 hours a day. Even better is the fact that I can order anything from their breakfast menu at any time of day.
I wouldnâ€™t be surprised if Jack in the Box is where all the guys coming out of the establishments with 50 cent peepshow booths go, because Jack in the Box would be the ideal place to go to after jackinâ€™ the cock.
Anyway, after coming out of an establishment with 50 cent peepshow booths at two in the morning, I had an urge for a milkshake, so I headed to the nearest Jack in the Box. While looking at the drive-thruâ€™s menu I noticed the new Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito. I instantly knew I had to have one with my Oreo milkshake.
When I got to the drive-thru window all I had was quarters. Lots and lots of quarters. Fortunately, fast food is even more convenient since most fast food places now accept credit cards. So I whipped my credit card out and paid for my post-peepshow meal.
Stuffed in the flour tortilla of the Meaty Breakfast Burrito was ham, little balls of sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, and pepperjack cheese. It also came with a small container of salsa, which looked more like marinara sauce than salsa.
Despite all of that stuffing, the Meaty Breakfast Burrito was kind of small. I was hoping for something the size of a bean burrito from Taco Bell, but it was only slightly bigger than a regular soft taco.
Another thing I noticed about it was its burrito form could make it easy to eat while driving to work. Although when I ate it on my couch, somehow the little balls of sausage ended up on my lap.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Despite its burrito form that makes it easy to eat while driving, The Impulsive Buy encourages you to NOT eat while driving, especially Chicken McNuggets, popsicles, and anything that involves a fork.)
As for the salsa, it didnâ€™t add much to the taste, plus Jack in the Box was pretty stingy with the amount given. I ran out of salsa halfway through the Meaty Breakfast Burrito.
Because the Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito is smaller than the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, itâ€™s a bit healthier.
Although, the 490 calories, 29 grams of fat, 345 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,310 milligrams of sodium are still enough to possibly make your heart want to seek revenge the next time youâ€™re in need of blood for an erection, like when youâ€™re in a 50 cent peepshow booth.
Item: Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito Purchase Price: $2.19 Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Pros: Good. Meatastic. Eggcellent. Cheesealicious. 24-hour drive-thru. 24-hour peepshow booths. Using credit cards to purchase fast food. Cons: Not enough of the crappy salsa. Kind of smallish. Too many quarters.
How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda?
Okay. Okay. How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda, in either a drunken or high state while watching Attack of the Clones, because thatâ€™s the only way you could tolerate the bad acting?
After this wonderful nugget of a question popped into my head, an avalanche of questions began rolling in my mind.
Would I get the same psychedelic feeling that people get from licking a toad?
Would I gain Jedi powers?
Would warts form on my tongue?
Would Yoda get turned on, light up his â€œother lightsaber,â€ and say â€œLong time, me love you?â€
Also, what does Yoda taste like?
Well thanks to Layâ€™s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps, I now know the answer to one of those questions. Apparently, Yoda tastes like dill pickles. However, this surprised me because I thought he would either taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.
What also surprised me was the fact that the Layâ€™s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps are actually good, if you like dill pickles.
It doesnâ€™t have a very strong taste like eating an actual dill pickle, but I think it would make a great replacement in your sandwich. Just crush a few of them and sprinkle a layer on your sandwich. Mmm…Yahtzee!
Poor Yoda. From his look on the Layâ€™s Dill Pickle Stax container, I can tell he doesnâ€™t look too happy that his dill pickle secret is out.
Unfortunately, as all celebrities find out, having no privacy and having your secrets being told is the price for fame. Look at Natalie Portman. There are topless photos of her all over the internet, real and fake.
Although, as O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake found out, a small benefit of being a celebrity is being able to get away with murder.
Iâ€™m surprised Yoda didnâ€™t sense this invasion of privacy coming. Oh wait, thatâ€™s right. Fame is a part of the Dark Side. â€œHard to see the future is. Cloudy is the dark side.â€
Well Iâ€™m not ashamed of my unibrow, so Yoda shouldnâ€™t be ashamed that he tastes like dill pickles, because it couldâ€™ve been worse. He couldâ€™ve tasted like cigarettes, alcohol, heroin, and bitch, like Courtney Love does.
Item: Layâ€™s Dill Pickle Stax Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale) Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Pros: Surprisingly good. Yoda doesnâ€™t taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay. Cons: Limited edition. Thoughts of Yodaâ€™s â€œother lightsaber.â€ The price of fame.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Itâ€™s the final day of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. It was an interesting week filled drive-thru windows, black plastic bowls with clear plastic covers, way too much iceberg lettuce, and a lot of salad tossing. Todayâ€™s final salad review comes from my favorite fast food place, Jack in the Box. Enjoy.)
Being Asian, I felt I had to represent and try the Asian Chicken Salad from Jack in the Box. However, I also had another reason for picking it up: I needed more Asian in me and I was hoping that this salad could give it to me.
You see, my ethnicity is Japanese, but I am probably the most un-Japanese Japanese person in the world. I canâ€™t use chopsticks very well. I donâ€™t like sushi. I definitely donâ€™t karaoke. I remember six words from the two years of Japanese language I took in college (In case you were wondering, the six words are: Hai (yes), iie (no), sake (rice wine), sushi, karaoke, and geri (diarrhea).)
I donâ€™t even think I have enough Asian in me to make the pick up line, â€œDo you have Asian in you? Would you like some?â€ work for me.
Although, I do drive a Toyota, which kind of makes me more Asian. But then again, just because Carrie Underwood won American Idol, doesnâ€™t mean sheâ€™s very good, and also doesnâ€™t mean Ruben Studdard canâ€™t eat her.
Anyway, the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad is a very colorful salad, as you can see in the picture above. It has green leaf lettuce, some fancy red/green leaf thing, baby spinach, red onion slices, shredded carrots, mandarin orange slices, pieces of grilled white meat chicken, wonton strips, roasted slivered almonds, Asian sesame dressing, and white-ass iceberg lettuce.
After I mixed the salad in a bigger bowl, I took a few bites of it using a fork and then switched to chopsticks to see if I had gained the Asian powers to wield them properly.
When several mandarin orange slices and leafs of lettuce ended up on the carpet, I knew the art of using chopsticks wasnâ€™t meant to be. I guess my once fast fingersâ€™ past as â€œThe Human Vibratorsâ€ has messed up any chances of me using chopsticks properly.
The salad was very tasty, which was due to the very good Asian sesame dressing. I also liked the various textures the salad had. From the crunchiness of the wonton strips and almonds to the soft mandarin oranges and pieces of chicken. Itâ€™s probably the best fast food salad Iâ€™ve had so far, and Iâ€™m not being biased because Iâ€™m Asian.
Despite the 590 calories, 33 grams of fat, and 1306 milligrams of sodium, the Asian Chicken Salad is surprisingly the most healthiest specialty salad on the Jack in the Box menu. It also has a whole lot of potassium and dietary fiber, which are good for you.
After eating the entire salad, which was very filling, I realized that eating Asian foods wonâ€™t ever help make me more Asian.
So now Iâ€™ll take another approach and hopefully I can become more Asian by watching lots and lots of anime porn.
Item: Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad Purchase Price: $4.99 Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Tasty. Good dressing. Lots of potassium and dietary fiber. The healthiest speciality salad on the Jack in the Box menu. Filling salad. Salad Week is over, which means back to REALLY unhealthy stuff. Cons: Didnâ€™t make me more Asian. High in sodium and fat. Abusing my fingers from those â€œHuman Vibratorâ€ years.
(Editorâ€™s Note: Welcome to Day Four of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Thank goodness the week is almost done, because my body has been acting strange with all of these vegetables. I actually had green poop yesterday. Anyway, hereâ€™s todayâ€™s review. Enjoy.)
Subway is known for making their sandwiches fresh, turning Jared Fogle into a celebrity, and giving adolescent boys another opportunity to snicker when they hear the words â€œfoot long.â€
They are also known for their Sandwich Artists, which we all know is just a nice term for â€œthe person behind the counter.â€ Armed with fresh baked bread, fresh ingredients, disposable gloves, a bread knife, and possibly, tender loving care, Sandwich Artists will create your sandwich they way you like it.
However, I wasnâ€™t in Subway for a sandwich, I was there for a salad.
I ordered a Subway Club Salad, which according to the Subway website, was supposed to contain roast beef, turkey breast, ham, chopped iceberg lettuce, baby spinach, red onions, tomatoes, cucumber slices, green pepper strips, black olive slices, and carrots.
However, the Subway Sandwich Artist apparently was also a Subway Salad Artist and instead of automatically putting in the ingredients listed on the website, she asked me what kind of vegetables I wanted. At first, I was surprised by this, but I eventually began to go down the list: Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, etc.
The same vegetables they use in the sandwiches are the same ones used in the salad. Unfortunately, they didnâ€™t have baby spinach. As for the roast beef, turkey, and ham, the slices were just slapped on top of the vegetables.
Now I donâ€™t know if my Subway Salad Artist was going for an abstract look with my salad, but it did have it with the round tomato slices and the oblong slices of meat. I wondered if she was trying to create a harmonious arrangement of colors representing life with the salad, or if she was trying to say, â€œI hate my job as a Subway Sandwich/Salad Artist.â€
After my Subway Salad Artist was done, I quickly realized I had just ordered a six-inch Subway sandwich without a bun, or â€œAtkins styleâ€ for you low-carb folks. Oh yeah, speaking of Atkins, I ended getting the Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing to put on top of my salad.
So basically, this salad was a six-inch Subway sandwich, without the bun, and it was the same price as a foot long sandwich. Heh, heh, heh…Foot long.
I felt ripped off.
Eating the salad made me feel even worse. There was way too much iceberg lettuce, which again, has even less nutritional value than David Blaine has magical powers. Also, the salad dressing had that typical Atkins taste, and I use the term â€œtasteâ€ loosely.
I think Iâ€™ll just stick to Subway sandwiches from now on.
Item: Subway Club Salad Purchase Price: $5.89 Rating: 2 out of 5 Pros: Made fresh. Made your way. Cons: Very pricey. Too much iceberg lettuce. High-sodium. Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing was weak.
For those of you who werenâ€™t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonaldâ€™s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.
This special container kept the â€œhot side hotâ€ and the â€œcool side cool,â€ which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The â€œhotâ€ thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the â€œcoolâ€ boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.
I donâ€™t know why McDonaldâ€™s got rid of McDLT.
Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.
Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the â€œhot side hot, cool side coolâ€ bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.
Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, â€œThe Pouch,â€ which is the most unoriginal name since â€œThe Big Bulge,â€ which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.
The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from â€œThe Pouchâ€ on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.
When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.
After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.
Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isnâ€™t very good. Iâ€™ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didnâ€™t have much taste.
The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.
Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.
Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the saladâ€™s.
Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasnâ€™t very good.
Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad Purchase Price: $5.49 Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads. Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasnâ€™t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name â€œThe Pouch.â€ The name â€œThe Big Bulge.â€