REVIEW: Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna

Have your parents ever tricked you to eat something you didn’t like?

Mine did and that something was liver.

On that fateful day, I knew something was up because I could smell the stench of deceit from my room. It smelled like rotting meat.

I asked my parents what they were cooking for dinner. They told me it was steak. I knew it wasn’t. They told me to eat it. I didn’t want to. They continued to tell me it was steak. I still didn’t believe them. They told me they cooked the steak a different way. I kind of believed them. They told me to try it. I did. They asked me how it was. I spit it out on to my plate to prevent me from throwing up. They told me to put on some ketchup. I knew it wasn’t going to help. They ate it for me. I ate cereal.

Of course, things could’ve been worse. If they tried to make me drink coconut milk by telling me it was regular milk AND feed me peas by telling me they were green Sixlets, that would’ve been the terrible tasting torture trifecta.

From that moment on, everything I thought and believed came crashing down around me.

I soon discovered my parents were Santa, putting the toys into my Christmas stocking. Then I realized my parents were the Tooth Fairy, putting quarters under my pillow. Then I found out that wearing Underoos in the fifth grade was not cool. Then I discovered that knowing New Kids on the Block dance moves did not make me a good dancer.

Oh, if only they had the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna back in those days, because then my parents would’ve had an easier time trying to trick me to eat something that was healthy for me — and maybe the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus would still be alive in my head and not just in my heart.

The Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna looks like lasagna. It smells like lasagna. It tastes like lasagna. It can stain clothing in a food fight like lasagna. However, there’s no meat in the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna, just soy products that tastes sort of like meat.

It’s hard to believe the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna was low-fat and low-cholesterol, because it tasted pretty good. It had a nice little spicy tomato taste and I honestly couldn’t tell there wasn’t any meat in it. Although, the cheese looked like it could be used for Barbie plastic surgery, but it added a little more flavor to the lasagna.

Oh, if only Garfield the cat was real and not a comic strip character created in the mind of Jim Davis, then we would find out if Garfield could tell the difference between the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna and the usual meat lasagna.

But then again, Garfield looks like he would eat anything — even liver.


Item: Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Meatless Lasagna
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Can’t tell there isn’t meat. Low fat. Low cholesterol. Lots of protein.
Cons: A little pricey. Just enough lasagna for a single quasi-product review blog editor. Plastic looking cheese. Liver. Parent trickery. My NKOTB dance moves. The stench of deceit.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

April Prize Drawing!!!

For this month’s prize drawing, I’m going to leggo a few Eggos.

Oh wait. For some reason, that doesn’t sound right.

It sounds either perverted or painful.

Anyway, two lucky readers will each win a box of Eggo Cereal, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed last month. Eggo Cereal is great for those who love waffles, but bad for those who hate spoons.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Leggo my Eggo” and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, April 11, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, April 16, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, Canada, and Guam. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam asking if you want to meet later. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will improve your business relationships. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or you waking up with The King.

Burger King French Toast Sandwich

I am human.

I have faults, like sometimes not using a plate to eat toast, not wearing underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry, or always using the handicap restroom stall, even if all the other stalls are empty.

I have idiosyncrasies, like making smiley faces with my fingers on the fogged up doors in the frozen food section of the grocery store and putting stuffed animals in provocative positions whenever I’m in a toy store.

I also have fears.

Believe me, I have many fears. For example, spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

However, perhaps my biggest fear right now is waking up with The King.

Not Elvis or B.B. King. I’m talking about this guy on the right.

Can you imagine waking up next to The King with that big smile on his face?

If I were to wake up with The King, the first thing that would pop up in my mind is, “Am I The Queen?” Then the next thing I would wonder is, “Why is The King smiling at me?”

Now when a guy wakes up next to a woman and she has a big smile on her face, that probably means she got some sweet, sweet lovin’. Of course, I’m assuming this because that’s never happened to me. If I were to wake up next to The King with a big smile on his face, all I would hope is that it wasn’t because of sweet, sweet lovin’.

So I am afraid of The King and I feel the only way to prevent me from waking up with The King is to eat breakfast at Burger King. It’s much like how I’ll try products to please the Advertising Gods, so that a product’s irritating commercial will go away.

(Note to self: Remember to pick up Ice Breakers Ice Cubes to help get rid of the Duff sisters Whoa! commercial.)

So recently I tried the new Burger King French Toast Sandwich, which consists of two slices of cinnamon and maple-flavored French Toast bread (which look like hash browns), one folded omelet egg, melted American cheese, and either bacon, ham, or sausage.

The concept is very similar to the popular McGriddles breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s, which uses pancakes instead of French toast. I decided to try the sausage one, since that is the one thing I am not hoping for if I wake up next to The King.

The first thing I noticed about the Burger King French Toast Sandwich was how small it was. It was about four inches in diameter. However, the same can be said about the McGriddles.

The French toast bun wasn’t fluffy like normal French toast, instead it seemed like they were deep fried. Heck, the eggs were fluffier than the French toast bun. As for the taste, I liked it very much. There was a nice combination of sweet and salty with every bite. Unfortunately, because of its size, there weren’t many bites.

So now that I’ve had my Burger King breakfast I hope I won’t be waking up with The King with that big smile on his face. If I do, I really hope he’s smiling because he either put a Sharpie pen mustache on my face or put my hand in warm water while I was asleep.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Sasha_Kitty for letting me know about the BK French Toast Sandwich.)


Item: Burger King French Toast Sandwich
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice sweet and salty combination. Having a choice between sausage, ham, and bacon. Smiley faces on frozen food section doors.
Cons: Small in size. Waking up next to The King. Spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with overly huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

REVIEW: Hint Water

Mmm…Water.

Up to 60 percent of our body is made up of it, it covers over 70 percent of the Earth’s surface, and it’s used in 99 percent of the world’s wet t-shirt contests.

Experts say that we should drink about eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day, which is enough to keep a person well hydrated and enough to have a four minute peeing session. There are so many ways we can get water into our bodies, like our kitchen faucets, bottled water on our store shelves, the water cooler at work, our neighbor’s garden hose, or wringing out t-shirts from a wet t-shirt contest.

However, the water from all those sources taste pretty much the same and sometimes that taste gets a little boring, like doing the missionary position ALL THE TIME.

Just the plain old missionary position, not even with a pillow under her hips to adjust the angle. No doggie style, reverse cowgirl, wild orchid, wheelbarrow, helicopter, playing of the cello, drilling for oil, or fettucini alfredo.

Or blossom flower, butterfly, peace sign, octopus, froggy, Italian chandelier, black bee, threading the needle, camel ride, T-square, or the Seventh Posture of the Perfumed Garden.

Fortunately, there are other beverages we can drink to get the water we need that don’t taste like the missionary position. For example, there’s coffee, tea, soda, sparking water, fruit juice, iced tea, lemonade, beer, milk, hot chocolate, and whatever comes out of Jack Lalanne’s Power Juicer. These are the doggie-style and Italian chandeliers of the beverage world, definitely different and a whole lot more fun.

However, sometimes doing it doggie-style or a helicopter can be either physically tiresome or it involves too much acrobatics, but despite this, we still want a little sweet, sweet lovin’. With the various beverages, sometimes we don’t want the sugar or the caffeine that comes with it, but want something with a little flavor.

Enter Hint Water.

I think the sexual position that best describes Hint Water would be spooning, because it’s simple, slightly different, and satisfying.

Each Hint Water is lightly infused with either a fruit or vegetable flavor, a “hint” of flavor, if you will. Just like the legs and armpits of hippie mountain women, the flavor is all natural.

I tried the cucumber, lime, apple, pear, and peppermint flavors. They were all refreshing. Each of them definitely had a hint of flavor to them, not enough to be considered a juice, but enough to not be considered regular bottled water. The flavors I tried tasted exactly how they should. In other words, they didn’t taste artificial. It’s like they took the soul of each fruit and vegetable and mixed it with the water.

Did I just blow your mind with that line?

Anyway, out of all of the flavors, the peppermint one was surprisingly my favorite.

At about two dollars per 15-ounce bottle, they’re smaller and pricer than 20-ounce bottles of regular bottled water, but if you’re bored with the missionary position and too tired to do anything from the Kama Sutra, I think spooning would be satisfying.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Kara, Hint Water CEO, for sending me sample bottles of Hint Water.)


Item: Hint Water
Price: FREE (Retails for about $2 per bottle)
Purchased at: Received free from Hint Water
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Refreshing. Definitely better than plain old bottled water or water from wet t-shirt contest t-shirts. Peppermint flavor was surprisingly refreshing. No sugar, artificial sweeteners, or calories. No artificial taste. Pretty bottles. All-natural, like hippie mountain women.
Cons: Significantly smaller and pricier than a regular 20-ounce bottled water. Must drink ice cold. Plain old boring missionary position.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch

Recently, I picked up the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes…

HEY MR. TAXI DRIVER! YOU LEARNED ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE, SO WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!?!

…Drink ‘n Crunch.

Since breakfast is a meal a lot of people skip, Kellogg’s is trying to get more people to eat breakfast by making it convenient to eat on our commute to work. So I’m just driving around with a Drink ‘n Crunch to see if if really is convenient. Fortunately, the Drink ‘n Crunch has an angled outer lip, which will help me see the road and it will fit into my…

HEY MR. FAST AND FURIOUS! THANKS FOR NOT USING YOUR BLINKER AND CUTTING ME OFF. BY THE WAY, YOUR MUFFLER MAKES YOUR CAR SOUND LIKE IT’S FARTING!

…car’s cup holders.

To prevent the cereal from getting soggy in the milk, each Drink ‘n Crunch consists of an inner cup, that holds the smaller than usual cereal and an outer cup, which holds the milk. Unfortunately, you must provide the milk. To pour in the milk, I had to separate the inner cup from the outer cup and pour the milk into the outer cup. There was a convenient level on the side of the outer cup that let me know how much milk…

OOOOH MR. SPINNING HUBCAPS AND THUMPING CAR STEREO SYSTEM! YOU COULD SPEND THE 30 DOLLARS ON SPINNING HUBCAPS, BUT COULDN’T SPEND SOME MONEY ON DRIVING LESSONS AND EARPLUGS FOR YOUR INFANT IN THE BACK SEAT!?!

…to pour in.

After putting the inner cup back into the milk-filled outer cup, sort of like those Russian dolls, all that needed to be done was to pull back the foil lid and enjoy. The milk is dispensed through a small rectangular hole, which allows the milk to be consumed in small doses. I guess I now can fully appreciate…

HEY MS. TOO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK! MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SO MANY STUFFED ANIMALS IN THE BACK, YOU COULD SEE ME WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET INTO MY LANE!

…what it’s like to be breast-fed.

Despite following the instructions on the packaging to shake the Drink ‘n Crunch gently to loosen the cereal, it had a hard time coming out. It was as frustrating as drunk dry heaving, except with the Drink ‘n Crunch I’m behind the wheel of a two ton automobile, while with drunk dry heaving, I’m behind a bunch of bushes. It’s definitely not good to be…

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, MR. DVD PLAYER IN THE DASHBOARD! UNLESS YOU’RE WATCHING THE ROAD IN FRONT OF YOU VIA YOUR DASHBOARD SCREEN, I’D SUGGEST YOU KEEP BOTH EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS!

…frustrated behind the wheel.

Besides the uncooperative cereal, another thing that made the Drink ‘n Crunch not so convenient was the angled lip, which was designed to make it easier to see the road. Unfortunately, the only way I could see the road, while trying to eat from the Drink ‘n Crunch was to turn my head sideways, while keeping my eyes on the road. Definitely…

HEY MS. PUTTING ON MAKEUP WHILE DRIVING! STOP DRIFTING INTO MY LANE! YOU KNOW IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO DRIVE, NOT TWO KNEES!

…not safe.

As for the cereal itself, it was typical Frosted Flakes, when I could get it into my mouth. I ran out of milk before I ran out of cereal, which is the opposite of what happens when I eat milk and cereal in a bowl. However, despite the taste, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch just wasn’t as convenient as it should’ve been.

Also, there are a lot of shitty drivers on the road.

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Drink ‘n Crunch
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat smart concept. Convenient level on the side to let you know how much milk to pour in.
Cons: Pricey, since it’s slightly cheaper than a whole box of cereal. Milk not included. Despite shaking it to loosen cereal, it still had a hard time coming out. Lip of container obstructed my view while consuming. Shitty drivers.