REVIEW: KFC Snacker

KFC Snacker

I was going to start off this review with some sexual analogy about how some women say size doesn’t matter. Then I realized how overused these types of analogies are. I’ve even used it in a previous review. I didn’t want to stoop to that level again, because this is a classy, well-respected quasi-review website that averages 20 visitors a day.

I could have said something like, “The KFC Snacker is small, but many people say it’s cute.”

Or I could have said, “The KFC Snacker maybe small, but it tries its best to get the job done.”

Or “The KFC Snacker is small, because it admits it’s very cold outside.”

Or “It’s not the size of the KFC Snacker that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean of secret herbs and spices.”

Okay, that last one was pretty lame.

However, instead of complaining about how small the KFC Snacker is in the form of badly written sexual innuendoes, I will tell you that the KFC Snacker was disappointing because of it’s size and performance.

The KFC Snacker is roughly the size and shape of a bar of soap, which is about half the size of other chicken sandwiches offered by other fast food joints. It comes with a sesame seed bun, some lettuce, mayonnaise, and a strip of chicken with the Colonial’s secret herbs and spices, all for 99 cents.

The $1 McChicken from McDonald’s isn’t as tasty as the KFC Snacker, but you definitely get more bang for the buck, since it is significantly bigger. I guess Colonial’s secret herbs and spices are getting rare or something.

Despite the typical delicious taste of those herbs and spices, I couldn’t get over the disappointment of how small it was and how it probably wouldn’t satisfy most people’s hunger.

I guess in the case of the KFC Snacker, size really does matter.

Item: KFC Snacker
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Typical Colonial secret herbs and spices. Tasty.
Cons: Too small in size, but cute.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

This review is a very emotional one for me, because it brings back a memory I’d like to have permanently erased. I have tried really hard to suppress this memory, but for you, my loyal five readers, I will relive it.

It was the summer of 1990. As I recall, it was an extremely hot summer season, with days filled with cloudless skies and parched pastures. Without school, the each day was one long recess spent with the other neighborhood kids. The beach is where we spent many days, bodysurfing in the two-foot waves and getting sunburnt because we forgot to reapply sunscreen. But it didn’t matter because we were young, innocent, and free.

Saved by the Bell was on the small screen; MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” was played across the radio waves; and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets were the lunch of choice.

Oh those Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets, a delicious and hearty lunch I could eat outside, once I took it out of the microwave and let it cool down for a while. They were quite scrumptious, although I would soon find out how dangerous they could be to my wardrobe.

The one bad thing I discovered about those Hot Pockets was the possibility of the pepperoni pizza filling oozing out from the other end. The first time it happened to me was when I was wearing my green shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants. After taking a bite, a glob of cheese and pizza sauce fell onto my lap and onto my cherished dancing pants. I quickly reached for something to wipe the glob away, but there was nothing around and it was too late. The flimsy material was no match for the quick staining combo of cheese and pizza sauce.

I was devastated because I could no longer wave my hands in the air, bust a few moves and run my fingers through my hair, move slide my rump, or just for a minute do the bump. Nor could I break it down. From that moment on, I vowed never to eat another Hot Pocket again.

(Just give me a moment to collect myself)

So I had some trepidation when I purchased the Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express, but I couldn’t help myself because they looked so good and it had the word “New!” on the box in big, fancy letters.

Each box comes with two 5-inch pot pies, which were kind of small. It takes 2 minutes to warm up one in the microwave and 24 minutes in a conventional oven. I decided to try both ways.

To warm it up in the microwave, there’s a crisping sleeve that you stick the pot pie in. If I recall from the summer of 1990, they don’t do a good job of crisping anything. However, I guess crisping sleeve technology has improved over the past decade because it did a pretty good job on the chicken and broccoli pot pie. The crust was flaky and the filling was hot, although the parts that didn’t have direct contact with the crisping sleeve were a little soggy.

As for the conventional oven, which was a toaster oven, it did a great job of crisping every inch of the pot pie. The crust was noticeably flakier than the one from the microwave. Was it worth waiting twelve times longer than the microwave one? No.

Both of them tasted very good. The sauce mixed in with the chicken and broccoli was a nice cheese sauce, all of which stayed in the pot pie and stayed away from my favorite tight red leather pants.

Item: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Flaky crust. The filling stays where it should, so I won’t ever ruin another pair of shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants.
Cons: Kind of small. Microwave crisping sleeve doesn’t do a good job a crisping compared to a conventional oven or toaster-oven. A little expensive for just two pot pies.

Starburst Orange Creme Slurpee

Orange Creme Slurpee

AAAAH!!! BRAIN FREEZE!!!

JUST A SEC!!!

OOOOH!!!

JUST A LITTLE LONGER!!!

Done.

Wow. That was sooo worth it. This Starburst Orange Creme Slurpee is not just good. It’s damn good.

It is definitely in my list of top ten favorite Slurpee flavors of all time, along with Barq’s Root Beer, Vanilla Coke, Barq’s Creme Soda, Banana, Coke, Strawberry, Mountain Dew, Vanilla, and a few others that have helped me gain a few inches around my waist.

The Starburst Orange Creme Slurpee tastes just like those orange creme bars, which also have helped me gain a few inches around my waist, although the orange creme flavor is a bit on the light side. Well maybe I just took a bad slurp and it really isn’t light. Let me take another slurp.

OOOOH!!! BRAIN FREEZE AGAIN!!!

NOT AS BAD AS THE FIRST!!!

AAAAH!!!

I’m okay.

Yup, the orange creme flavor is definitely on the light side.

The Starburst Orange Creme Slurpee is a delicious and refreshing Slurpee that everyone should try. Do it soon though, because it’s only here for a limited time.


Item: Starburst Orange Creme Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very good. Tastes like orange creme bars.
Cons: OH DEAR LORD!!! BRAIN FREEZE!!! AAAAH!!! OOOOH!!! Orange creme flavor is a little too light.

Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

Growing up, I only knew of two types of cereal: “Icky” and “Yummy.”

“Icky” cereal consisted of Wheaties, Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes, Total, Bran Flakes, Raisin Bran, and any other healthy cereal that had a doo-doo brown color.

The “Yummy” cereal was anything that had ANY the following: Rainbow colors, marshmallows, chocolate flavor, fun shapes, free toys, puzzles on the back of the box, and enough sugar to keep me hyperactive until lunch.

I avoided “Icky” cereals, but my parents felt like I needed a change in my diet due to the fact I suddenly needed to wear “husky” clothing in the third grade. How did they try to change my diet? They used the age-old, time-tested parenting technique called, “deception.”

They once bought Corn Flakes and tried to pass it off to me as Frosted Flakes. Despite my early-morning-low-blood sugar mind, I realized that it really wasn’t Frosted Flakes. So while they got ready for work, I dumped a few tablespoons of sugar over the Corn Flakes.

Eventually, my parents caught on and started buying me “Yummy” cereal again.

As my age and my fear of diabetes increased, I began to eat less of the “Yummy” and more of the “Icky.”

I slowly began to find out that some of the “Icky” was actually kind of “Yummy.”

Recently, cereal companies have been trying to make the “Icky” cereal less “Icky” by adding real fruits.

These cereals include Berry Burst Cheerios with Strawberries and today’s review subject, Corn Flakes With Real Bananas.

The bananas they put in with the Corn Flakes are real bananas in the form of banana chips. You know, the same kind of banana chips you get from hippy health food stores and the same type you make with the Ronco Food Dehydrator. You know, the Ronco Food Dehydrator, makes banana chips in days, makes beef jerky in days, makes really impatient people want to grab an aluminum bat and give the Ronco Food Dehydrator a beat down.

At first I was skeptical that adding banana chips would make the “Icky” Corn Flakes taste better, but I was pleasantly surprised with how good it was. I don’t know how many banana chips they put in each box, but I could taste the banana goodness with almost every spoonful.

The only problem I had was the corn flakes getting really soggy after a few minutes in the milk, although the banana chips did stay crunchy. After the first bowl, I helped myself to another, thinking the first bowl was a fluke and the cereal couldn’t be this good, but it really was good.

Why didn’t the cereal companies think of this sooner?

Now I know what you all are thinking, since they’re putting bananas in Corn Flakes and strawberries in Cheerios, isn’t it about time they put grapes in Grape Nuts?

Because Grape Nuts are “Icky.”


Item: Corn Flakes With Real Bananas
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Banana chips stay crunchy. Lots of banana chips.
Cons: Corn flakes don’t stay crunchy for long. Would suck without the banana chips.

Apple iPod Repair Service

iPod Repair

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” was my initial reaction when my iPod stopped working.

The next thing that came to my mind was: How the hell was I going to drown out the world and the voices in my head without my iPod?

YOU WILL BUY CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL FOR MINORS!!!

I thought about alcohol, but that would get expensive if I’m drinking as often as I listen to my iPod. That would also eventually lead to Alcohol Anonymous meetings and a liver transplant.

I thought about sticking a finger in each ear and repeatedly chant “la, la, la, la,” but that would lead to a mental institution.

YOU WILL SILENTLY FART IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR AND BLAME SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Okay, before I could think about drowning out the world and the voices, I needed to get my iPod repaired.

Fortunately, requesting a repair is easy to do on the Apple website in the iPod support section (www.apple.com/support/ipod/). Just click on the request repair link and that will lead you to various online forms you need to fill out. After you fill out the forms, you’ll get an email saying a box will be shipped to you. The box, which comes with enough foam padding to possibly win any egg drop contest, arrived the next day.

YOU WILL GET TATTOOS ON YOUR ASS WITH “WIDE” ON ONE CHEEK AND “LOAD” ON THE OTHER!!!

So now that my iPod was on its way for repairs, I could concentrate on drowning out the world and the voices in my head. But what could I do?

NOTHING!!! YOU ARE MINE TO CONTROL!!!

CDs? Carry around four and a half inch disks that can hold around fifteen songs? I probably would have, but I didn’t own a CD player.

Or I could’ve listened to the radio with its commercials and obnoxious DJs. Ha! I spit in the face of radio! Ptwooie!

I couldn’t think of anything so I had to tolerate the world and do what the voices in my head told me to do.

YOU WILL GO ON THE GAME SHOW JEOPARDY AND ALWAYS GIVE THE ANSWER “WHAT IS POOP?”

Several times a day I was checking the iPod support site to see how the repairs were progressing. For a whole week nothing happened. Then finally on Wednesday, the iPod support site said another iPod was ordered for me and it was shipped the same day.

I thought I would get it the next day, but that didn’t happen because of the delivery guy. The problem with him, who has delivered stuff to me before, is that he knocks really softly. You would think having the ability to knock loud enough to get a person’s attention would be in the job description, along with able to lift heavy loads, knows roadways, good customer service, and have an excellent driving record.

YOU WILL OPEN A STARBUCKS!!!

So I didn’t hear him knock when he first attempted to deliver my iPod to me, the day after it shipped. Instead I was left with a note saying he will try to deliver it the next day.

The next day I waited for the delivery guy in the living room with the front door of my apartment open. He arrived at around 1:00pm and I had my iPod connected to my computer minutes later.

YOU WILL VOTE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION!!!

It was pretty crazy without my iPod but everything in my world is now balanced again and the voices in my head stopped.

NO YOU CANNOT STOP ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! NOOOOO!!!

From this experience, I learned a valuable lesson.

I need a backup iPod.


Item: Apple iPod Repair Service
Purchase Price: FREE (iPod was under one year warranty)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Overnight shipping. Got a new iPod. I can tune out the world.
Cons: Almost two weeks without my iPod.

REVIEW: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

I’m a sucker for things that are shaped like hourglasses, like board game timers and Victorian women with very tight corsets. It was this attraction that made me notice the hourglass-shaped bottle of POM Wonderful Pomegranate in one of the refrigerated cases at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

There were only two flavors in stock, mango and cherry (They also come in tangerine, blueberry, and, of course, pomegranate). I decided to pick the mango, because I love mango and it’s considered to be an aphrodisiac. However, I don’t know about that aphrodisiac part, because every time I’ve eaten mango, I’ve been alone…so alone. (tear)

The thing most noticeable about the POM, besides the hourglass-shaped bottle, was the fact it may have been labeled mango-flavored, but it surely wasn’t mango-colored. Instead it was a dark, cola-like color. For a moment I thought to myself, “The only time mangoes look dark like that is when they’re rotting.”

Then I thought, “Sure it’s not mango-colored, but I’m positive it’s got to taste like mango. What company in their right mind would produce a product labeled mango-flavored and it not be mango-flavored?”

(One 16 oz. POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate bottle later)

Apparently I have found what could possibly be the ONLY mango product on the face of the Earth that isn’t mango-colored and doesn’t taste like mango. Instead it has this tart cranberry-type of flavor to it, which is probably the pomegranate overpowering the mango.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What’s pomegranate?” Well sit back boys and girls, here’s your health food lesson for the day.

Pomegranate is a red fruit and its juice is considered to be one of the healthiest around. It’s a wonderful source of potassium, vitamin C, polyphenols, flavonoids, antioxidants, and a bunch of other healthy things with long names. A glass of it has more antioxidants than a glass of red wine. Of course the real big difference between the two is when you drink large amounts of pomegranate all you get is a big dose of antioxidants, and when you drink large amounts of red wine you may end up with a hangover, unwanted pregnancy, photocopies of your buttocks at work, or all three.

Sounds healthy? Yes it is, but so is the price.

At $4 a bottle, it will be very hard to drink it daily like the Beanie Babies-type tag around the neck of the POM bottle suggests. I think it’s probably cheaper to get a health club membership, which will probably do you more good and get you that hourglass figure you’ve always wanted.

Item: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Very healthy. Attractive bottle.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like mango. Very pricey.