Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops

Every time I try to eat the Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, my stomach gets a funny feeling. I don’t feel this way because of how they taste, instead it’s because when I eat one of their Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops, the image of multiple muffin tops jiggle around in my head. When I say “muffin tops,” I’m not talking about the remnants of a baked goodie after a Sylar-like cutting off of its top, I’m talking about the overflow of flesh seen when a tight pair of jeans is wrapped around a body that is a little too big for it.

It would be semi-all right if it were images of women with their guts hanging over the edge of their jeans, but unfortunately it’s mostly images of dudes with the physique of Chris Farley. So you can understand why I have an arduous time trying to eat a set of these mini muffin tops. Not even a variety of toppings or the finest Canadian Maple Syrup could make these go down easier while thinking about male muffin tops that flap around in Baywatch-slow motion.

If I didn’t have images of large male bellies wiggling around in tight jeans in my head, I would probably have to say that these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops were good. Each set comes with four mini muffin tops, which were each about an inch and half in diameter. It toasted very nicely and it ended up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Its taste was very similar to blueberry pancakes, which I do enjoy. However, because they’re convex in shape, most of any topping you put on it tends to roll off and end up on your plate.

So who am I going to blame for preventing me from fully enjoying these Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops? I could blame the fast food industry for making our waist sizes larger. Or I could point my finger at fashion designers who make hip-hugging jeans in sizes they shouldn’t. But I’m going to blame the asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops because if there weren’t muffin tops to begin with, society would’ve probably named the overflow of fat something else, like mushroom waist or sign of future heart disease.

It’s probably the same douchebag who also invented doughnut holes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 set of 4 – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a variety of vitamins and minerals, and many images of male bellies jiggling in my head.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Carolanne for recommending this product and for filling my head with images of big men in tight jeans.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Blueberry Mini Muffin Tops
Price: $3.50
Size: 8 sets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Taste like blueberry pancakes. Toasted very nicely, ending up with a slightly crispy outside and fluffy inside. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Images of the male bellies jiggling in my head. People in tight jeans who shouldn’t wear tight jeans. Its shape tends to cause toppings to roll off. The asshole who came up with the idea for muffin tops. No dietary fiber.

The Week in Reviews – 9/27/2008

Sorry for the lack of reviews this week, but I figured the horror of the Cocoa Puffs video would make you forget that we did only two reviews. To make up for it, here are a few links to some of my favorite reviews this week from other blogs.

The Playboy Sugar Free Energy Drink is apparently much better than a Playboy Silicone Free Magazine Issue. (via Energy Drink Ratings)

Are you fucking kidding me? Caffeinated oatmeal? Well if it makes Wilford Brimley more exciting than he is now, so be it. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Even if they’re caramel apple flavored, the only thing candy corn is good for is making Trick-or-Treaters sad and ensuring they don’t come back to your house next Halloween. (via Candyblog)

If they made energy drinks in the 1980s, this is what the cans would look like. (via Energy Drink Reviews

Claim Jumper frozen meals now come with less packaging. Whoop-di-doo! How about Claim Jumper frozen meals with less salt, saturated fat, and prices that don’t increase the possibility that banks may foreclose my meal. (via Cheap Eats)

Cocoa Puffs Combos

I thought the idea of going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs was preposterous, like the belief that eating Trix will turn you into a prostitute. For years, I ate the brown balls of naturally and artificially flavored sweetened corn cereal and nothing ever happened to me. There was no bouncing off walls, no instantaneous urges to hump mailboxes, no desire to walk around in nothing but a coconut bra and grass skirt, no yearning for yogurt baths, and no longing to stalk an F-list celebrity and become them by wearing their skin like a coat, all the while screaming at the top of my lungs, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

However, that changed one morning while partaking in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and skim milk. I don’t know whether it was the whole grains in it or the fact I was eating it out of a bowl I made in the seventh grade that was coated in a lead-based glaze, but I suddenly went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. One moment I was eating cereal and then the next moment I was dancing around my apartment in what I believe was a homemade cosplay outfit made out of wax paper, food coloring, cardboard boxes and a strategically placed wash cloth. Ever since that episode, I’ve stayed away from Cocoa Puffs, which disappointed me since I <3 Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes.

However, the folks at General Mills recently introduced a cereal called Cocoa Puffs Combos, which has not only naturally and artificially flavored chocolate cereal, but also naturally and artificially flavored vanilla cereal. I thought this was my opportunity to enjoy Cocoa Puffs again, albeit with a vanilla chaser that I hoped would lessen the cuckoo side effects. Take a look at the video below to see how that went.

Obviously, with the addition of the vanilla cereal, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was significantly less chocolatey than regular Cocoa Puffs. However, it wasn’t just the vanilla cereal causing this, which by the way, hardly had any vanilla flavor. The Cocoa Puffs Combos chocolate cereal wasn’t even being close to being as chocolatey as the cereal in regular Cocoa Puffs. It’s like the white vanilla cereal was keeping the brown chocolate cereal down.

Overall, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was disappointing because I expected it to be a little more chocolatey than it was and it didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Not even the milk was worth drinking and every time I don’t drink my cereal milk, a dairy cow cries milk from its udder. Chocolate and vanilla may go great together as soft serve ice cream flavors or as a metaphor for interracial dating, but doesn’t do very well in this cereal.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the TIB reader who suggested we review Cocoa Puffs Combos. The reader didn’t leave their name, so no two seconds of internet fame for them.)

Item: Cocoa Puffs Combos
Price: $5.99
Size: 11.7 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Good for those who don’t like sweet cereal. Vitamins and minerals. Soft serve swirl. Regular Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes. Doesn’t make me cuckoo enough to do something REALLY embarrassing, just slightly embarrassing.
Cons: Not as chocolatey as I hoped. Less chocolate didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Chocolate cereal was mediocre compared with regular Cocoa Puffs. Vanilla cereal wasn’t very vanilla. Going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Me dancing in a dress and posting it on YouTube for the world to see.

The Week in Reviews – 9/20/2008

Need a break from TIB’s crass and immature writing? Here are product reviews from some of our favorite mature writers.

I guess adding the A1 Steak Sauce makes the Slider more slidable. (via The Message Whore)

Pfff. I don’t NEED the Turn on Love Energy Drink to get some sweet, sweet lovin’. All I need is a can of wine and a Sears Sunday ad insert turned to the page with all the ladies wearing underwear. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Aloe is known for soothing sunburns on the outside, so I can only assume that the HiCHEW Aloe Yogurt is for relieving the burns from making out with a cheap hooker or the sun. (via Candyblog)

I will admit that I occasionally visit I Can Haz Cheezburger (and Cute Overload) to warm my cold, black heart. (via Pajiba)

The L.A. Minis: Crispy Chicken microwaveable sandwiches look so saggy and sad that they should visit L.A. plastic surgeon Dr. Robert Rey and get some augmentation. (via Heat Eat Review)

Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs

If you’re a foodie, you probably realize the long-winded name, Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs, has a little redundancy in it. For those of you who aren’t foodies, panko equals bread crumbs in Japanese, although panko is larger, flakier, and Asian-er than regular bread crumbs.

Food Network star Alton Brown uses the stuff so much that I’m surprised that his eyes aren’t slanted. It’s becoming so popular that I believe if you use panko instead of regular bread crumbs, you are instantly given some kind of culinary street cred, where people in tall white hats will give you fist bumps when you pass by them and the Swedish Chef will say something coherent to you instead of the usual gibberish he usually exuberantly spits out of his mustached, muppet mouth.

Because this is an “Italian Style” panko, which I’ve never heard of until I saw this box, there’s a little bit more to it than just plain panko. To make it Italian, there’s some basil, dried roasted garlic, paprika, dried onion, and spices in it. But to truly make it Italian, I was hoping Food Network personality Giada De Laurentiis also came in the box. However, I don’t think her cleavage would’ve fit inside the packaging.

To test the Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs, I decided to make something that looks like chicken parmesan. Now some of you at this point might be saying, “Holy shit! He cooked something. I thought he lived a lifestyle filled with eco-unfriendly styrofoam take out containers and gallons of gas wasted in fast food drive-throughs.” Saying I “cooked something” would be flattering, but I technically warmed up a jar of pasta sauce; boiled some spaghetti noodles; fried some chicken breasts that were dipped in flour, egg, and the Italian-style panko; and sprinkled parmesan cheese over it.

(Editor’s Note: The picture above is actually the second batch I made. The first had melted mozzarella cheese on top, but I didn’t have enough for the second batch, because I enjoy eating shredded mozzarella straight from the bag.)

As someone who uses panko quite a bit, in the kitchen and out, I wasn’t expecting the Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs to be much different than the regular stuff, but I was surprised by how my chicken parmesan turned out. I could taste the herbs and spices they added and it made my dish quite tasty. As you can see in the picture above, the chicken had a really nice golden brown exterior, which I don’t always get with my regular Japanese panko. The crunch from the Progresso panko was also really nice and better than my usual panko.

With all of this praise towards the non-Asian Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs, I felt I disrespected my ancestors and thought about committing seppuku, but then I put away my sword after I determined that the Progresso Italian Style Panko wasn’t truly panko.

Panko has a really light, flaky, and dry texture that looks like it was shaved off of a piece of toast, while the Progresso Italian Style Panko had a denser, greasy texture and looked like they were once croutons that were crushed by Kim Kardashian’s ass.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/4 cup – 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 400 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% iron, and a 75% chance a guy has of getting laid if they know how to use panko properly.)

Item: Progresso Italian Style Panko Crispy Bread Crumbs
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.49)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Very nice crunch. Creates a nice golden brown coating. Tasty. Inner bag comes with a sticker to help seal the bag after use. Getting the Swedish Chef to say something coherent.
Cons: In my eyes, it’s not truly panko. Pricey because I can get a bag of regular panko for 99 cents. My cooking abilities. Unable to fit Giada De Laurentiis’ cleavage into a box. Being crushed by Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper

The new Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper is very similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. It’s like Ronald McDonald and The King are taking the essay portion of the SAT Exam and The King is looking over Ronald’s shoulder with his huge head and copying his essay almost verbatim. If I were Ronald McDonald, I would be pissed and gather all my McDonaldland friends, find the house where The King is hiding out, and then beat down his plastic face and whopper of an ass with some golden arches.

This is how I would plan it out. I’d get Grimace, because he would be the muscle, or at least could ask stupid questions to disorient The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills can get us through any door. Birdie the Early Bird can be aerial surveillance, like a police chopper, in case The King gets away. The Gobblins and the McNugget Buddies can be ground surveillance, since they’re small and hard to detect. Officer Big Mac can restrain The King with his handcuffs, and if necessary, knock a few fake plastic teeth from The King’s fake smile via pistol whipping. Finally, Mayor McCheese can oversee the operation and handle any of the logistics, because if he can run a town, he can manage a beat down. Once they give The King a taste of his own medicine and sneak up on him, I would send Ronald McDonald with the previously mentioned golden arches and have him beat that crown right off The King’s head.

The Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper consisted of spicy, crispy chicken, three types of shredded cheese, and a Southwest sauce wrapped in a soft tortilla. What stood out most was the flatness of the chicken, which looked like a wide BK Chicken Fry or it got a beating from an irate Ronald McDonald armed with golden arches. Another weird thing about this product is that, at times, it tasted like a soft beef taco from Taco Bell with mild sauce. Speaking of spicy, the Southwest sauce added to the BK wrap gave it a weak kick. On a heat scale of 1-10, with ten being an eternity spent in hell and one being the heat from a cell phone used to replace a lighter at a concert, the Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper was a three on the heat scale.

Despite being available for a limited time only and somewhat tasty, I don’t think I’m going to rush out to my nearest BK and gorge on the reasonably priced Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper while I can, because it’s not very spicy and I’m afraid of the consequences if Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends catch me eating one.

(Nutrition Facts – Couldn’t find it on Burger King website. I could make them up, but I would use a lot of commas. For example, I would probably say that it has 10,000,000,000 milligrams of sodium. Of course, this would be 100 percent false, but if it encourages Burger King to post the actual nutrition facts, I’m going to say that it does.)

Item: Spicy Chicken BK Wrapper
Price: $1.49
Size: 6 inches
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Tasty. Crunchy chicken. A fight between Ronald McDonald and The King. The Hamburglar’s lock picking skills.
Cons: Not very spicy. Chicken was flattened. At times, it tasted like a soft taco from Taco Bell. Similar to the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap. No nutrition facts on website. Getting attacked by Ronald McDonald and his McDonaldland friends.