REVIEW: Dentyne Fire

Dentyne Fire

I’m an awesome kisser.

After years of practicing with my pillow, hand, and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie, I have taught myself to apply the perfect amounts of pressure, sucking, and tongue playing, when making out with a woman.

I’ve done exercises that make my lips softer, help me efficiently control my breathing through my nose, make my jaw stronger for longevity, and make my tongue flick faster and longer. I’ve read numerous articles on the art of kissing, like this one, this one, and this one.

I’m a kissing master. A black-belt kisser. The Sultan of Smooching. The King of Kissing. The Heavyweight Champion of Kissing.

If you don’t believe me, ask my 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie.

Oh, but don’t ask the first girl I ever kissed, because that was one sloppy saliva mess I’d like to forget about. It was so bad, she broke up with me a couple of days later.

Anyway, how many of you have seen the commercial for Dentyne Fire?

If you haven’t seen it, it goes like this: A girl introduces her boyfriend to her parents. While boyfriend is talking to parents, girl pops a Dentyne Fire in her mouth. After chewing for a little bit, she gets horny as hell and jumps her boyfriend, right in front of her parents. Seeing this, the girl’s mom pops a Dentyne Fire and then jumps her husband.

The bottom line: Dentyne Fire will make you horny.

Of course, this can’t be true. It’s like saying spinach will instantly give me superhuman strength and help me attract flat-chested women.

To prove it isn’t true, I’ll chew a Dentyne Fire.

(Pops one into mouth)

Mmm…Nice cinnamon bite…OH! Excuse me…

(Eight hours and one pack of Dentyne Fire later)

Wow, I guess I’m going to have to buy some new pillows and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie. Heh, heh!

Now I don’t know if it was the Dentyne Fire or Debbie Gibson’s Playboy photo shoot that kept me busy for the past eight hours, but all I know is that I’m out of Dentyne Fire and Valentine’s Day is over. This means I can’t follow through with my plans to get a woman to kiss me on Valentine’s Day using the Dentyne Fire and then take her breath away using my well-practiced kissing techniques.

Oh well, there’s always next Valentine’s Day.

Item: Dentyne Fire
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Spicy. Cinnamon. May make you horny. I AM an awesome kisser.
Cons: Flavor lasts as long as any other gum.

Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream

Keto Ice Cream

(Editor’s Note: I was going to do a review about Valentine’s Day today, but I found a product that could actually help me get a Valentine, if their commercial is accurate. I’ll review it tomorrow and let you know if it worked. No, it’s not pheromones.

So instead of a Valentine’s Day review, today you get another low-carb product review. Yeah!)

When items are labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale,” there are probably several reasons why: (1) Expiration date is coming up. (2) Item has been discontinued. (3) The product isn’t selling well. (4) The packaging has been damaged. (5) Item was returned. (6) It’s crap and it totally blows. (7) Product is endorsed by Seymour Smith. Who? Exactly. (8) Possible store employee practical joke on customers involving bodily fluids being added to the product.

When I pulled out a pint of Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream from the freezer case at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I picked it up because of the “Reduced for Quick Sale” price tag hanging from the shelf.

I inspected it to see which of the reasons above was the cause for the “Reduced for Quick Sale” tag. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell, but my money was on reason number six because of the three words printed repeatedly on the lid, “The Low Carb Leader.”

Now boys and girls, what have we learned about low-carb foods?

Let’s say it all together.

“They’re crap, they totally blow, and they’re a waste of money.”

However, after reading the packaging more thoroughly, I thought the Keto Vanilla Moon might taste better than other low-carb foods because it had the same high levels of saturated fat and cholesterol than regular ice cream.

Well just like my Super Bowl pick, my presidential election pick, and my pick to win Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards, I was totally wrong. Despite all the fat and cholesterol, it didn’t taste very good. It sort of tasted like Cool Whip…Lite, and I think I’m being a little generous by saying that.

After I read the package even more thoroughly, I found out the Keto Vanilla Moon was also high in dietary fiber. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, ice cream didn’t aid with bowel movements, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it REALLY helps with bowel movements.

But it’s good to know that I can get fiber in ways other than Metamucil, whole-grain bread, and a Taco Bell bean burrito.

I wanted to find out more about Keto, but unfortunately it turned out that they’re no longer in business. So I guess that explained why the Keto Super Premium Ice Cream was labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale.”

I’ll have to add to my list, “(9) Company no longer in business.”

So if you’re interested in trying Keto Super Premium Ice Cream, get yours now, because once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.

Item: Vanilla Moon Keto Super Premium Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Very limited edition. High in fiber.
Cons: Keto is no longer in business. Not very “super” or “premium.” Tastes like Cool Whip Lite. High is saturated fat and cholesterol.

iTunes Gift Card

iTunes Gift Card

Damn you, VH1’s I Love the 80s and I Love the 90s for sticking in my head those songs that I’d like to forget. But now they’re stuck in my head and I have the urge to buy them.

I’m a Barbie Girl/In the Barbie world/Life in plastic/It’s fantastic/You can brush my hair/Undress me everywhere/Imagination/Life is your creation/(Come on, Barbie, let’s go party!)

See what you started, VH1!

Thank goodness for the iTunes Gift Card I got as a gift for Christmas. With it I can download those songs from iTunes without wasting my own money. I’d use my own money to buy some Green Day, Beastie Boys, Mozart, or Def Leppard’s Greatest Hits, but you wouldn’t catch me using my own money to buy “Informer” by the white Jamaican-wannabe rapper, Snow.

Informer (something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down/(something, something, something)/A licky boom boom down

Maybe if I download them and listen to them enough, I’ll get really sick of them, like I did with the U2 song “Vertigo.”

Oh crap, actually, I remember that plan didn’t work out the way I thought it would. It turns out that I really do like that song, I even bought the live version on iTunes. Anyway, that song is totally worth spending 99 cents, unlike Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”

All right stop, collaborate, and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention/Something grabs a hold of me tightly/Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly/Will it ever stop? Yo, I don’t know/Turn off the lights and I’ll glow/To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal/Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle/Dance, go rush to the speaker that booms/I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom/Deadly, when I play a dope melody/Anything less than the best is a felony/Love it or leave it, you better gain way/You better hit bull’s eye, the kid don’t play/If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it/Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it…

OH MY GOD! I apparently know the whole DAMN SONG!!!

Now I think one of the problems of downloading these one-hit wonders with an iTunes Gift Card is the chance you’ll get caught with them on your computer or iPod. I don’t want to imagine the embarrassment I’d feel if someone found me listening to Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart” on my iPod, while poorly attempting to do some kind of line dancing.

But don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/I just don’t think it’d understand/And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart/He might blow up and kill this man

I also don’t want to imagine the embarrassment of getting caught posing topless in front of the mirror, flexing what little muscles I have, and rubbing my nipples, while listening to Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.”

I’m too sexy for my shirt/Too sexy for my shirt/So sexy it hurts/And I’m too sexy for Milan/Too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan/And I’m too sexy for your party/Too sexy for your party/No way I’m disco dancing

DAMMIT!!! Why do I remember all these lyrics!?!

Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t even know if it’s worth using the iTunes Gift Card to download these songs, maybe I’ll just download them the old-fashioned way…when the RIAA isn’t looking.

Item: iTunes Gift Card
Purchase Price: FREE (Given as gift)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Makes a great gift. Allows you to buy one-hit wonders you wouldn’t dare spend your own money on.
Cons: Useless if you don’t have iTunes. Possibility of getting caught rubbing nipples topless in front of mirror. My ability to recite all the lyrics from Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.”

REVIEW: Chocolate Lucky Charms

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Over the years, I’ve probably eaten my body weight in Lucky Charms. Also, I’m probably at my current body weight because of Lucky Charms.

Nevertheless, it’s probably one of my favorite cereals of all time, not only because of its marshmallow goodness, but also because I believe there’s a slim chance that Lucky Charms will someday bring me good luck.

With all the Lucky Charms I’ve eaten, I’m expecting enough luck to last me for the rest of my life. Oh how great it would be to have that much luck.

I imagine a life where I would find twenty dollar bills on the ground every day, hit a jackpot on each slot machine lever I pull, marry a supermodel/doctor, and sleep on the finest leopard-print Chinese silk sheets around.

Now I have to admit, I wanted that luck to come to me soon, because I didn’t know how long I could keep eating Lucky Charms. When you’ve eaten your body weight’s worth of it, you tend to get tired of them, including all the green clovers, purple horseshoes, blue moons, rainbows, and whatever other marshmallows they have.

However, this boredom with Lucky Charms stopped, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at. There I saw the most titillating thing I’ve ever seen. It was so heavenly that you should’ve seen my eyes light up, like a teenage boy flipping through an issue of Playboy that he stole from his father’s “secret” stash, when my eyes gazed upon the boxes of Chocolate Lucky Charms on the shelf.

I picked up the box and stared at it, like I had found the Holy Grail of Cereals. Then I turned the box over and read in big, bold letters, “The Secret is Out!”

Then I thought, “Secret? Out? Holy crap! Lucky the Leprechaun is GAY!”

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Well I read the rest of it and it turns out that he’s not, but my gaydar says he is. Come on, rainbow marshmallows?

So what’s Chocolate Lucky Charms?

Imagine combining the marshmallows from Lucky Charms with the cereal part from Count Chocula. That delicious combination gives us Chocolate Lucky Charms, or what I’m now calling, “Heaven in a Bowl.”

It’s so good, I can’t contain myself.

Oh my goodness, the marshmallows!

Oh my goodness, the chocolatey milk!

Oh my goodness, why didn’t they come up with it sooner?

Oh my goodness, I ate a whole frickin’ box in two days!

Oh, those geniuses at General Mills. I would kiss them all on the lips, if they were all in my room, if I weren’t munching on a mouthful of Chocolate Lucky Charms, and if they were all women.

But for that to happen, I’d have to be lucky.

Item: Chocolate Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: DAMN good. Made with whole grain. Chocolatey milk. Marshmallows.
Cons: No luck, despite the pounds of Lucky Charms I’ve eaten. Why didn’t they come up with this idea sooner? Lucky the Leprechaun is still in the closet.

Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla

Lean Pockets Quesadilla


What a battle we had between the Mexican Mercenary and the Italian Stallion!

At first, it seemed like the Italian Stallion would win, thanks to the efforts of the Stallion’s tag team partner, Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket, who came in and socked the Mexican Mercenary with a metal folding chair when the referee wasn’t looking.

However, the Bacon, Egg & Cheese Lean Pocket came to the rescue of the Mexican Mercenary and slammed the Meatballs & Mozzarella Ultra Lean Pocket through the announcers table and then hit the cheater right in the meatballs with another metal folding chair.

The Mexican Mercenary eventually pulled away and finished off the Italian Stallion with his signature move, the Jalapeno Popper.

So what did the winner get?

It received the same prize as the loser, a trip to my stomach.

Now I don’t know if it’s because I ate this and totally screwed up my taste buds, but I swear the Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla tasted like a BEEF taco.

Not like a Taco Bell/Del Taco/Taco Time (circle one) beef taco, more like those really crappy beef tacos that were served in my elementary school cafeteria or the ones I attempted to make at home after watching one too many Food Network specials about Mexican food.

I’m not too sure why it tasted like a beef taco, but my guess has something to do with the three cheeses stuffed into this Lean Pocket, which are cheddar, mozzarella, and blue cheese. That’s a lot of cheese.

Ooh, dare I say, an orgy of cheese?

You know what? I think they would sell a ton more of these if they renamed it to Lean Pockets Three Cheese Orgy & Chicken Quesadilla.

Anyway, I guess I should’ve expected the weird taste coming from a low-fat product, since that usually is the case when companies try to make healthier versions of food that’s normally bad for you. But you got to give credit to the Lean Pockets, who try so hard to be like their older sister, the original Hot Pockets.

Unfortunately, the Lean Pockets will always be known as the Hot Pockets’ less talented and less beautiful, younger sister, who also has a tendency to lip sync.

Item: Lean Pockets Three Cheese & Chicken Quesadilla
Purchase Price: $2.25 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Low fat. Three frickin’ cheeses! It’s an orgy of cheeses! Excellent source of calcium, protein, and fiber.
Cons: Tasted like beef tacos, which would be a good thing, if there was actually any beef in it. May not be liked by those who don’t approve of orgies. Less talented and not as pretty as original Hot Pockets.