REVIEW: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich

Bacon Ranch Sandwich

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.

REVIEW: Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips

Salt and Pepper Pringles

A couple months ago, I tried the limited edition Ketchup Pringles, which I purchased from the national, small-business destroying superstore behemoth I sometimes shop at. I really enjoyed them, although this is from someone who thinks ketchup goes great with anything.

While watching a Pimp My Ride marathon and mowing down the can of Ketchup Pringles in one sitting, I wondered if Pringles was going to come out other limited flavors. Fast-forward a few months and on the shelf at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I discovered Salt and Pepper Pringles.

To describe the experience of eating Salt and Pepper Pringles, I have decided to express it in rhyme. Or to be more exact, take someone else’s rhymes, change a few words, and make them my own rhymes.

So I give you Salt ‘n Pepa’s “Push It,” with a few of my changes in the lyrics.


S-S-Salt and Pepa Pringles are here and it’s in effect.
Want you to try it babe,
Tryin’ it by day then at night you’ll have some regret.
C’mon Pringle, you sure like to show that you know,
how to make messed up chips to eat during a TV show.

Now salt and pepa it

Ah, salt it – salt it good
Ah, pepa it – pepa it real good
Ah, salt it – salt it good
Ah, pepa it – p-pepa it real good

Hey!
Eeew!
Salt and pepa it good!

Oooh, baby, baby.
Baby, baby.
Oooh, baby, baby.
Baby, baby.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop.
Yeah, you come here, take way these chips.
Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed.
Can’t you taste too much salt and pepa like I wish you would?
Now salt and pepa it.

Salt it good.
P-pepa it real good.

Item: Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Got to be “Weird Al” Yankovic for a few minutes.
Cons: Too much salt. Too much pepper. Would you like some potato chips with your salt and pepper?

Spider-Man Cereal

Spider-Man Cereal

I originally picked this cereal for one reason: It was on sale for $2.29.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized there was another reason: This box of cereal may make me filthy stinkin’ rich someday.

If you look at the upper right hand corner of the box, it says “Limited Edition.” This cereal is a collector’s item. So if I keep everything in pristine condition, it’s going to be worth something someday. That means I couldn’t open the box and I couldn’t eat the cereal.

Since I couldn’t eat the cereal, I had a dilemma. How could I do a review, without eating the cereal? My problem was solved when I went back to the supermarket and saw that the Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal was still on sale.

I bought two more boxes, one to eat and another one to add to my Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal collection. Unfortunately, I had to search through the boxes on the shelf to get a pristine one. There were quite a few on the shelf I had to look through. I guess people don’t realize the earning potential of those cereal boxes.

For breakfast the next morning I had a bowl of Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal. It felt like I was eating away money. I wonder how much a partially eaten box of Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal would go for on eBay.

Anyway, the cereal is cleverly shaped like spider webs and tastes much like Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries. I don’t really like Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries or Cap’n Crunch because every time I ate them the roof of my mouth would get shredded raw. I have horrible memories of pulling off hanging bits of flesh from the top of my mouth.

You know what would make Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal better? It needs some kind of toy in it. How about an action figure, something that shoots out webs, or a life-sized blowup doll of Mary Jane? If it had a toy, it would make it even more of a collector’s item.

Overall, I’m not impressed with this cereal. I’m not impressed with the taste of it and I’m beginning to not be impressed with the potential value of it. I just checked and someone on eBay is selling an unopened box of the Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal they made for the first Spider-Man movie for $1.99 and no one had bid on it.

Then again, it’s only been a few years since that cereal came out. Give it a few decades and then we will see what it’s worth.


Item: Spider-Man Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.29 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Limited Edition. Will hopefully be worth something someday.
Cons: Needs a Spider-Man toy. Tastes too much like another cereal. My retirement depends on the value of this cereal in 37 years.