REVIEW: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich

Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich

Ever since I heard about the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I’ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there aren’t any Hardee’s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich’s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.

So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.

As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. “Holy crap!” he said to me. “What are you doing? I can’t believe you’re gonna buy that. It’s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.”

“But if it’s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,” said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.

“How can he write a review when he’s dead, moron!?!” the mini me in the white suit said.

“Oh, come on, you wuss,” the mini me in the black suit snorted. “It’s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. He’s eaten lots of Whoppers and he’s still here.”

“But it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesn’t need that much salt, he’s not a frickin’ horse,” the white suited mini me replied.

While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.

The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, “HASH BROWNS!!!” and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, “DEFIBRILLATOR!!!” and then also disappeared.

I said to the cashier, “No, that’s all.”

On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didn’t look very spectacular.

As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, “Nooooooo,” which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.

The sandwich was good, but there wasn’t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that it’s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.

My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you don’t like angioplasty, I’d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. It’s no Monster Thickburger.

REVIEW: Full Throttle

Full Throttle

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review request come from Impulsive Buy stalker, akiko. She called me to find out if the Impulsive Buy could review the new Full Throttle energy drink. I said sure. Then I asked her, how she got my phone number and she said, “I’m a stalker, it’s what I do.” Enjoy.)

Today at the Impulsive Buy, we are going to tell you the steps to make your own energy drink.

Step One: You need a name for it. Something that signifies power and energy, like the names Red Bull, Monster, and Adrenaline do for their respective energy drinks. Maybe something like “Kick Ass,” “Aggro,” or “Steroids in a Can.”

Also, avoid names that sound like they would make a good name for a cologne.

Step Two: Sell it in a can that is smaller than normal or larger than normal. Most sodas come in a 12-ounce can, but energy drinks come in either a slightly larger 16-ounce can or a slightly smaller 8.4-ounce can. Preferably, sell it in an 8.4-ounce can and charge the same amount as your competitors’ 16-ounce can. If Red Bull can do that, why can’t you.

Also, the can should be predominantly black, because black is the new black.

Step Three: Put a cool graphic on your can. Preferably something that would look good as a tattoo. Hopefully, someone would be stupid enough, or drunk/high enough, to actually get a tattoo of your cool graphic. This way you’ll get free advertising from them for life, or until they decide to get rid of it via laser removal.

Step Four: The energy drink must have items you’ll find in a Chinese herb shop, like guarana and ginseng. Do not add items from Jamaican herb shop.

Step Five: Say, “Screw you, Dr. Atkins!” and add lots of carbohydrates and sugar.

Step Six: Make sure your energy drink is greenish, because almost every energy drink comes in some shade of green. No one knows why it’s like this, but I believe it has something to do with the Incredible Hulk.

Step Seven: Add as much caffeine as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will legally allow you. Enough to keep a college student awake while cramming for an exam, but not enough to make you as anxious as a crack whore.

Hopefully, if you follow these seven steps, you’ll end up with an energy drink that will be drowned out by the dozens of other energy drinks out in the market today.

This was the case with the Full Throttle energy drink, which was created by the same folks who’ve given us such great products as Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke, and other sodas with the word “Coke” in it.

If it weren’t for the Full Throttle advertising sticker on one of the doors of the convenience store’s refrigerated case, I wouldn’t have noticed them in between all the other energy drinks with their predominantly black cans and graphics that would make good tattoos.

After trying Full Throttle, I have to say there’s hardly any taste difference between it and any of the other energy drinks I’ve tasted. They all basically have almost the same citrus flavor.

Well, at least it came in a larger than normal can, instead of a smaller than normal can.

Item: Full Throttle
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Vitamin B6. Larger than normal can. Caffeine. Graphic on can would make an awesome tattoo, minus the “Energy Drink” part.
Cons: Typical energy drink. Tastes very similar to other energy drinks.

REVIEW: Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts

Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts

Being the number one source for quasi-product reviews, the Impulsive Buy get several hits a day from people looking for reviews of products via search engines. Recently, the top products that have brought visitors to the Impulsive Buy have been Chocolate Lucky Charms and the Motorola V180.

However, we do get the occasional visitor looking for things other than product reviews. Numerous people have visited the site looking for Terra Reid boob shots (I know Tara is spelled wrong, but that’s how they spelled it).

Another person was looking for a way to make tea from ganja, which I believe is a total waste of ganja. It’s great for brownies…not so good for tea.

Finally, we had a person looking for Kids Next Door porn. For those of you who don’t know, there’s a cartoon called Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network. Now I don’t know if this person was looking for porn involving the characters from the cartoon, but I hope that person isn’t a teacher…or a priest…or Michael Jackson.

Despite all the reviews we’ve done, the most looked at reviews by those visitors that come by via the Google, Yahoo, MSN, and AOL search engines are Pop-Tarts reviews. Oh wait, that reminds me, there was this one person who was looking for, and I’m not making this up, doo-doo Pop-Tarts.

Anyway, here at the Impulsive Buy we’ve reviewed five flavors of Pop-Tarts and we add another today, Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts.

One of the great things about these new flavors of Pop-Tarts is the ability to eat them, not only, toasted and straight out of the box, but you can also eat them frozen. However, I wouldn’t recommend freezing the Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, because for some reason they tasted kind of funny.

Now I don’t know if they tasted funny because they weren’t meant to be frozen or because of the abundance of year-old frozen fish in the Impulsive Buy freezer.

When I ate one that wasn’t frozen, I really liked them, especially when it was toasted.

Despite enjoying Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, they still weren’t good enough to knockoff my undisputed heavyweight champion of Pop-Tarts flavors, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

Item: Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.00
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cookies & Cream. Great tasting, but still doesn’t beat out Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.
Cons: May taste weird frozen, if you have an abundance of frozen fish in your freezer. Doo doo Pop-Tarts?