Mozart: Symphonies

Mozart Symphonies

I bought this album for one reason: To win the iTunes Music Store one-millionth download contest. The person who downloaded the one-millionth song was going to win a whole mess of sweet Apple stuff and I thought it was going to be mine, because of my elaborate plan.

First, I created an Excel spreadsheet that calculates the number of songs sold per minute and how many seconds were left until the one-millionth song was downloaded. I used the download totals from the Apple website, which was updated every five minutes.

Then I had to find an album that contained a whole lot of songs. At first I thought I had to go with a greatest hits album. The Barenaked Ladies’ greatest hits had nineteen songs. Def Leppard’s greatest hits only had 15 songs. Okay, maybe this greatest hits route isn’t the best. I really needed something with more songs.

I decided to search the iTunes Music Store classical catalog and found what I was looking for, although it was going to be expensive. I ended up with the $49.95 Mozart: Symphonies set (now $79.92), which contained 117 songs. Perfect! I figured if I didn’t win, the $50 I spent wouldn’t be so bad because I actually like Mozart. But I wasn’t going to lose because I had my super-dooper elaborate plan.

So I had my Excel spreadsheet and my 117 songs Mozart collection, then all I had to do was sit in front of my computer and wait. The number of downloads slowly increased, getting closer and closer to the magic number. When it got about a few thousand downloads away, I purchased my album, but I think a few thousand people across the nation were trying to buy something as well because my purchase wasn’t going through. It stalled for a few minutes. While stalling, I checked to Apple website to see if they had a winner and they did.

Dammit!

Since they found a winner I wanted to cancel my still stalled purchase, but right when I was going to hit the cancel button, my album began downloading.

So here I am with an enormous amount of classical music, all 9 hours, 56 minutes, and 22 seconds of Mozart. Only recently I finished listening to the whole thing and I realize that I have all the classical music I need for the rest of my life.

It’s good, soothing stuff. I enjoy listening to it when I’m reading, writing, or falling sleep. No, I didn’t listen to it while writing this review, because I didn’t want to be reminded of my crappy super-dooper elaborate plan.

I can’t believe I got beaten by some lucky guy who bought only ONE song.

Dammit! I think next time I’m going to need a better Excel spreadsheet.


Item: Mozart: Symphonies
Purchase Price: $49.95 (now $79.92)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Soothing music. Great to listen to when reading, writing, or falling asleep. A whole lot of music at a wonderful price.
Cons: Didn’t even come close to winning the iTunes contest.

REVIEW: Jamie Cullum – Twentysomething

Jamie Cullum

I think I’ve got a wonderful plan that will get women to fall for me. It’s a simple formula: Have a decent singing voice, play the piano, and sing lyrics that go somewhat like this:

The red roses I sent aren’t as beautiful as you.
The scent doesn’t smell as sweet as you do.
The petals aren’t as colorful as your red lips.
The leaves aren’t as curvy as your hips.

Muahaha! I will have many women fall for me once I finish my song, learn how to play the piano, get a decent singing voice, overcome my control freak tendencies, be able to open up emotionally, conquer my shyness, and wax my back. It’s a foolproof plan.

This whole piano playing/singing thing worked well for Harry Connick, Jr. After all, he’s married to a Victoria Secrets model. It also seemed to have worked for the young British jazz musician, Jamie Cullum.

How do I know?

I know because all the teenage girls on MTV’s TRL were screaming for him. Not like horror-film-screaming. More like “I LUV U JAMIE!” or “U R SO HOT JAMIE!” -screaming.

Despite my jealousy about Cullum’s ability to write a good song, sing well, play the piano, and woo young women, his debut album, Twentysomething, is a very good listen. One track that stands out is the bonus track “Frontin’,” which is a great cover of The Neptunes track of the same name. (You know, Pharrell Williams and that Asian dude.) Many of the other tracks on the album are upbeat and will definitely have your toes tappin’.

If you like jazz, Harry Connick, Jr., or want to listen to something different, I would recommend you give Jamie Cullum a try.

What I wouldn’t recommend is trying to be like Jamie Cullum, because it’s been really hard learning how to play the piano and making my voice do things it was never meant to do, like sing.

Product: Jamie Cullum – Twentysomething
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A toe tappin’ treat. Something different than the usual rap, punk, rock, and electronic stuff I listen to. The CD can be found for a regular price of $9.99.
Cons: May make you think you can woo women by writing a song and playing the piano.

REVIEW: Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

Natural Citrus Listerine Mouthwash

My first and only experience with the original Listerine came in the 1980s. The only thing I remember from that traumatic experience was the horrible burning sensation. It felt like all of my taste buds had melted away. They didn’t, but since then I swear things haven’t tasted right.

Eventually the folks who created Listerine came up with more flavors and new compound words, like FreshBurst, WinterMint, and Cool Mint. Over the past year they introduced Natural Citrus.

Let me tell you, this Natural Citrus Listerine is, as the young folks today say, the shiznit. It freshens my breath and tastes like orange soda. It’s the only flavor of Listerine that made me think, “I would drink this, if I didn’t have to call a Poison Control Center right after.”

Despite all of its goodness and breath freshening abilities, I’ve noticed one peculiar problem. When using the other flavors of Listerine, it goes in as whatever color and it comes out the same color. With the Natural Citrus, it goes in orange, but it doesn’t come out orange. Instead it comes out clear.

Where does the orange go? I have two theories:

1. Germs and bacteria in my mouth absorbed it because it tastes like orange soda.
2. The orange part stays in my mouth to valiantly fight the constant battles between good and evil breath, which they eventually lose, due to my love peanut butter.

Well my teeth haven’t turned orange, so it’s nothing to worry about.

So if you’re tired of the burn from the original Listerine, bored of minty mouthwashes, or too lazy to floss your teeth, Natural Citrus Listerine is a great product, even if you can’t drink it.


Product: Listerine Natural Citrus Mouthwash
Purchase Price: $4.19 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Orange soda-like flavor is a change of pace from usual minty mouthwashes. Good enough to drink, if it wasn’t for that whole poisoning thing.
Cons: Mysterious orange color disappearance.