Melon Green Tea Slurpee

We’ve all heard about the health benefits of green tea. It’s full of antioxidants that can help lower the risks of cancer and heart disease. Green tea advocates claim that it can help with many other things, like cognition, Alzheimers, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, weight loss, helping you look less fugly, and preventing you from catching anything if you’re around Paris Hilton.

Hmm…Now that I think about, that last one might explain something. If green tea can help with weight loss and be used as prevention from catching anything Paris Hilton is incubating in her, it totally explains what has happened to Nicole Richie.

Despite all the wonderful things green tea can help with, I don’t really think there are any benefit when drinking green tea in Slurpee form, like with the semi-new Melon Green Tea Slurpee.

It’s much like not being able to get potassium from a banana Slurpee or not getting shitfaced from a Pina Colada Slurpee. The only things you can probably get from Slurpees are cool refreshment on a hot day or diabetes — if you drink waaaay too many of them.

Unfortunately, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee might just be the last attempt to regain the spotlight from wildly popular pomegranate.

There was a time when green tea was just a hot beverage at a Japanese restaurant or something you’d find on the shelves at new age, hippie, unshaved armpit natural food stores, but its health benefits soon became known and within a few years it was everywhere like iPods, except significantly less profitable to mug people for.

Today, you can find green tea products in a variety of forms, like green tea chewing gum, green tea ice cream, green tea candy, green tea pills, green tea moisturizers, green tea pet food, green tea energy drinks, and Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos.

But slowly and surely, pomegranate has been pulling out a number of products from its red, round, juicy ass, like all the popular POM Wonderful drinks and the Starbucks Pomegranate Frappucino.

However, if green tea expects to take back the health-crazed spotlight from pomegranate, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee isn’t the way to do it, unless green tea’s plan is to give pomegranate brain freeze.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee has a light taste to it and the green tea flavor definitely overpowers the melon. Perhaps 7-Eleven should’ve switched the ingredients and named it the Green Tea Melon Slurpee or the Slurpee People Won’t Buy Ever Again.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee also left me with a weird dry mouth feeling, like I had a mild case of cotton mouth. Speaking of cotton mouth, if I ever get the munchies, I’m pretty sure the Melon Green Tea Slurpee won’t be on my list of things to buy, along with the Pringles, ice cream sandwiches, beef jerky, peanuts, Twix bars, Cup o Noodles, Mexican food, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Funyuns, Lean Cuisine frozen dinners, Oreo cookies, pizza, Ritz crackers, Doritos, M&M’s, anything from McDonald’s, and Pop-Tarts.

Item: Melon Green Tea Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Cool refreshment on a hot summer day. Benefits of green tea. Benefits of pomegranate.
Cons: I don’t think there are health benefits from green tea in Slurpee form. Worst Slurpee EVER. Light flavor. Green tea flavor overpowers the melon. Left me with a weird dry mouth. Nicole Richie’s weight loss. Catching anything Paris Hilton has. Brain freeze.

Purple S’Creme Slurpee

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.

Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor

I really was hoping that the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor would taste like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines, because I hear it equals crazy delicious.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what Mr. Pibb tastes like, so just like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the number of licks it takes to stop a Timex from ticking, and the number of licks it takes to have a woman say my name in the heat of passion, I will probably never know the answer.

I will also probably never know what the mystery flavor is for this Airheads Slurpee. I could try to solve the mystery, but I don’t like food that makes me think, especially a Slurpee, because it’s hard to think when I’ve got brain freeze.

When I have brain freeze, I’m not in any condition to solve a mystery. Maybe if I had a groovy Mystery Machine, some meddling kids, a dumb dog, and Scooby Snacks, I could solve the mystery, but I don’t.

However, I knew that not knowing what the mystery flavor was would peck at my brain like trying to figure out the name of the fourth musketeer or being subjected to a Chinese water torture.

So to figure out what the mystery flavor was, I did exactly what I do when I’m faced with multiple choice questions or when approaching “women” with slight facial hair and large hands…I tried guessing.

I figured if I used my five senses I could figure it out.

Using my sense of touch, I determined that the Slurpee was cold, which was pretty much a waste of time because my sense of sight could’ve of told me that.

Using my sense of sight, I determined that the Slurpee was yellow, which got me thinking, just like the Impulsive Buy puts the “ew” in product review, maybe this flavor puts the “pee” in Slurpee.

Using my sense of smell, I determined that the Slurpee had a fruity flavor, which caused my sense of hearing to hear, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Finally, using my sense of taste, I tried to come up with familiar fruity flavors. The flavor was very good, but my tongue gave me a variety of answers, like grape, strawberry-banana, cherry, and strawberry. So not only is my tongue a sex toy without much stamina, it also has some messed up taste buds.

Well I may not know what flavor the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor is, but I do know that it equals crazy delicious.

Item: Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.39 (40-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruity taste. Crazy delicious. Refreshing on a hot, sunny day. Velma.
Cons: Not being able to figure out the mystery flavor and not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. No Mr. Pibb for me. Yellow snow.

Frawg Slurpee

Frawg Slurpee

Damn you, Cap’n Crunch! Damn you!

Not only have you given me mild laceration on the roof of my mouth, you’ve also started this trend that’s been sweeping across the minds of professional marketers to misspell wordz. See! I put a frickin’ “z’ at the end of “wordz.”

Look at what you and products like Mini Swirlz, Kibbles ‘n Bits, and Xtreme Right Guard have done. Even Ashton Kutcher has mess’d me up. See! He caus’d…DAMMIT…me to take out the “e” in the suffix “-ed,” like in his show Punk’d.

And now we’ve got 7-Eleven and their green apple-flavor’d Frawg Slurpee.

Thanks to all these product namez, my English degree has suddenly become less valuable than it already was with my poor grammatical skillz. If I sound worri’d, it’s because I am worri’d. But I’m not worri’d because I’m slowly turning into the world’s worse Scrabble player because there aren’t any apostrophez in Scrabble, I’m worri’d about the children.

Although, not as much as Britney’s future spoiled brat baby.

If this continues, imagine what my future child’s (or illegitimate child’s) second grade book report on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together would look like.

My book report is on Arnold Lobel’s Frawg and Toad Together. It is about Frawg and Toad and their adventurez. There are five storiez in the book. There is a story about a list, a garden, cookies, being brave, and a dream. What I learn’d from the book is that Frawg is smart, but Toad is a dumbass, because he doesn’t know how plantz grow or to think on his own.

I lik’d Frawg and Toad Together because it was fun to read and it was short. I also lik’d the picturez. My daddy said he also likes bookz with picturez, xcept his bookz have picturez of ladiez. Sometimes instead of looking at bookz with picturez of ladiez, he goes on the computer and looks at picturez of ladiez.

The end.

Thanks Frawg! Not only have you possibly messed up my future, your fluorescent green color takes me back to my crappy middle school years, when I had this fluorescent green jacket and I would get teas’d every time I wore it.

The cool kids would point to me and say, “Green is the horny color,” or “Green, green gasoline, don’t forget your ding-a-ling.”

You’re lucky that you have sweet, sweet caffeine and look like Slurm, because if you didn’t I wouldn’t even bother with your very light and slightly tangy green apple taste, which remind’d me of a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

Item: Frawg Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40-ounce)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet, sweet caffeine. Kind of good tangy taste. Green is the horny color. Also available as a fountain drink. Looks like Slurm.
Cons: May mess up spelling abilities. Light green apple taste, like a weak apple Jolly Rancher.

White Cherry Slurpee

White Cherry Slurpee

She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie

Thank you, Los Angeles! Good night!

Oh, what? Sorry folks, today’s product just reminded me of the Warrant song “Cherry Pie.”

Now some of you young folks maybe wondering, “Who the hell is Warrant?”

Warrant was this “metal” band from the late 80’s and early 90’s. Notice the “metal” in quotes. You see back then there were these bands that used waaaaaaaaay too much hair spray and they called themselves “metal” bands, but they…

Oh, never mind. I don’t want to explain this. Go watch VH1 and you’ll understand.

“What does ‘cherry pie’ mean?”

Um…go ask your parents about that.

One of the great things about the Impulsive Buy’s location is that I can walk 100 yards and buy a Slurpee whenever I want. When I do buy one, I always get a 40-ounce Slurpee, because it makes sense economically to buy the biggest size. Remember it’s usually good to buy in bulk.

I also ask for a brown paper bag to put my Slurpee in, so that when people ask me what I’m drinking, I can tell them I’m drinking a forty, dogg.

For as long as I can remember, the convenience store down the street had a Slurpee dispenser with only four flavors. This sucked because two of those were always the Slurpee staples of Coke and Strawberry. This meant that not many new flavors would be available at the store.

However, the store recently went through a renovation and it now has a Slurpee dispenser with EIGHT frickin’ flavors. When I saw all those flavors I almost slurpeed all over myself.

One of the newest flavors is White Cherry Slurpee.

She’s my cherry pie…

Oh, sorry. I got that song stuck in my head.

After trying it, I have to say that the White Cherry Slurpee is so good that it’s now in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. To be honest, I didn’t expect to like it, but it’s surprisingly good with its sweet and tart taste.

Ever since trying the White Cherry Slurpee a week ago, I’ve purchased several since then. I guess you can say it has become addictive, like another white, crystallized substance called crack.

Except with the White Cherry Slurpee there aren’t any hallucinations, weight loss, or paranoia.

Item: White Cherry Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice sweet and tart taste. Addictive like crack. It’s in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. I like “cherry pie.”
Cons: She’s my cherry pie. Get out of my head, Warrant!