REVIEW: Hershey’s Kisses Deluxe

Hershey's Kisses Deluxe

Does anyone remember Roller Riders? The early 90s As-Seen-On-TV “Scootboard” product with the catchy jingle (“It’s a scootboard!/That’s what it is!/Steers like a racecar/Glides like a skateboard/Roller rider: It’s a scootboard!”)

The thing looked something like this, but was targeted toward teens and tweens. Anybody? Anybody??

Because, presuming YouTube videos encompass all public knowledge, Roller Rider never existed. Indeed, there’s no visual archive, Vimeo documentary, botched soundtrack, or VCR-spliced upload that visually confirms it was a consumer product. Yet there’s a small handful of people who deeply miss it. Who long to scoot, race, and sing the song in the break room at our day job. We may be small, but our love for the product? Is significant.

Hardcore fans of Hershey Kisses are similar. We’re small time, but our devotion is huge. We seek the simple life, although there was that one incident where we had to get a root canal after we ate an entire bag of them at Timothy McDonald’s birthday after he busted open an entire piñata of them in 3rd grade. But other than that, totally simple. I am one such fan. Perhaps you are, too. We are the proud. The few. And we will not whither and die.

Knowing this base of steadfast devotees, Hershey generated a brand new Deluxe Kiss to fancy it up a bit. Filled with ganache, crispities, and a full hazelnut, it strays just enough from the original to be different, and yet remains simple enough to appeal to its pre-existing fans. Its profile sounds much like a Rocher truffle without the fancy name, thus making it both potentially delicious and a solid contender for the stocking-stuffing holidays ahead. But the question is: would Santa approve?

Hershey's Kisses Deluxe 2

Right out of the wrapper, things get off to a swift start with the unwrapped dots looking shiny as a Porsche dried with microfiber terry cloths. The little bell-like chocolate cones smell of nutty fudge and are about 2-3 times as big as the average Kiss, making them certified monsters. Delicious certified monsters.

Indeed, the experience only gets better once you bite in. On the front end, you get a shell covering a more creamy, ganache-like center that tastes distinctly of Hershey chocolate: a little chocolate frosting, a little vanilla, and that special twang of Whatever The Hell’s In There. There’s a whole, if somewhat diminutive, roasted hazelnut tucked in the middle, which adds a solid, nutty crunch to the creamy-crispy experience. Consuming said Kiss can be accomplished in two or three nibbles or one full, melty bite. I support the latter, always opting for the “Go big or miss out” philosophy.

Hershey's Kisses Deluxe 3

I have ridden in a Mercedes once in my life. The seats had air conditioning and sorta hugged you as you turn. It was cool, but I don’t see myself wanting to do it everyday. These Kisses are similar: they’re fun once in a while, but I could see them getting a little too frou-frou for everyday, especially with the high price point ($1.19 for 3 kisses).

But, perhaps money isn’t what’s important. Perhaps what’s important is that the Kiss, at its core, is still delicious. The addition of crispies and hazelnuts only highlight that fact. While I may not be able to afford them all the time, in my dreams, I will eat a bag of them while driving a Roller Rider into the sunset. Note to Santa: that would be a stunning Christmas gift.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 Kisses – 130 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hershey’s Kisses Deluxe
Purchased Price: $1.19
Size: 3 Kisses
Purchased at: Rite Aid
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate frosting. Crispy texture. Ganache-like center. Crunchy roasted hazelnut. Eating a bag of Kisses out of a piñata. Roller Riders.
Cons: Pricey. Crispities add only poofy, texturized air. All those questionable ingredients. Where have all the Roller Riders gone? Mercedes seats that hug you are mildly creepy.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Rally Bar (2013)

Rally Bar

Having witnessed multiple variations of time travel in movies, I’ve learned that some methods of journeying into the past are more dangerous than others. For example:

  • I might get sucked in a black hole (Star Trek)
  • I might have to become a hyper-intelligent wizard in a near-death situation (Harry Potter)
  • I might have to drive 88 miles per hour on a suburban street (Back to the Future), which would encourage speeding tickets from my local law enforcement

Because I know that Hollywood is fact-checking all its sources, one can only conclude that time travel can be painful, high-maintenance, and/or involve unnecessary trips to traffic court. Nonetheless, I often dream of going back and snagging a taste of some of those rare products that disappeared before my time. Thankfully, Hershey’s is sparing me the toil of arranging time travel transportation by resurrecting their Rally Bar from its 1970s grave and stashing it at Walgreens all over the land.

Taking inspiration from its longstanding confectionary kin, the Rally bar compresses the caramel-peanut combo of a Pay Day with the lumpy, bumpy look of a Baby Ruth, resulting in a chocolate covered, peanut-coated caramel log that may or may not be a geographically correct interpretation of the Austrian Mountains.

Rally Bar The hills are alive! With the sound of music!

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Diving right in, the chocolate is quick to melt, sweet, and fudgy. This is trademark Hershey’s chocolate: the kind that gets gooey on s’mores and calls forth multiple washes of your jeans after it melts in your pocket in 80-degree weather. Its palm-oil-y layer is sugary with a hint of cocoa to remind you it’s chocolate. On its own, the coating hangs off the cliff of getting too sweet. Thankfully, the peanuts and caramel nougat are there to back it up.

The structural support beam of the bar comes in the form of the nougat, which has a bit of an identity crisis. Is it caramel? Is it vanilla? At times it’s both, and I’m okay with that because it’s surrounded by a stringy, Twix-like caramel. This spin on the sticky sweet stuff gives its taste headline to the dextrose while a buttery-nut chaser comes in at the end, and anything with a chaser makes things better.

Rally Bar Gooey innards

The peanuts are outright impressive. These aren’t those puny little nubbins you might get on your discount $49 plane ride you booked on that questionable discount travel site. These are huge, fresh specimens, lightly toasted without a trace of bitterness. Mr. Peanut would approve.

Room temperature, the Rally is pleasant, but, when given a 3-7 second nuke in the microwave, every element heightens to a new form. The caramel gets goopier, the chocolate more fudgy, and the peanuts ride this chocolate slip-and-slide with ease, and all because of seven seconds in my radiation-grade mini-oven. While attempting to maneuver this goopy, malleable mass of chocolate from the 600-watt microwave into my mouth, all I could think was, “Man, this would be great in my morning oatmeal.” And it was. It was also quite good topped with potato chips. No matter how you eat it, eat it while it’s hot.*

*The unofficial title of my debut rap album.

This Rally resurrection reinforces the hypothesis that, when one combines chocolate, caramel, and peanuts in the right ratios, Goodness results. The bar itself is nothing groundbreaking, but just because it isn’t unique doesn’t make it un-delicious. It’s got a funky shape, a sugary coating, and peanuts that tide me over till the next meal/mini meal/snack/pre-dinner chomp/midnight craving strikes, so welcome back, Rally. It’s good to have you.

(Nutrition Facts – 230 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein..)

Item: Hershey’s Rally Bar
Purchased Price: 97 cents
Size: 1.66 oz
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fudgy. Stringy, sweet caramel. Fresh, chunky peanuts. Similar to a chocolate covered Pay Day. Even better when microwaved. Slip-and-slides made of fudge. Underdogs. Time Travel.
Cons: Chocolate flavor stunted by palm oil. Caramel may be too dextrose-forward for some. Only available at Walgreens. Washing chocolate out of your jeans. Getting sucked in a black hole. Speeding tickets.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

Hershey's Reese's Cookies

The other week, an Impulsive Buy reader asked if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5

Take5

Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?