Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice

I really believe the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice is the marshmallow equivalent of a “fuck you.”

If only I had the addresses of all the people who have bullied, teased, or blueballed me over the years, I would be mailing these fuckers en masse. If you don’t love your child, giving this product to them is probably the softest way to let them know, right behind the words, “You were an accident…that happened in the back seat of a Ford Pinto…with some guy I met at a bar at closing…I think his name was Rick…or Roger…I only had you for the welfare.”

The idea of a strawberry-flavored marshmallow that is shaped like a pizza is something beyond a novelty. It is like a cruel joke that is so cruel, no one laughs at it. Yes, I did say that this marshmallow pizza is strawberry flavored. I will admit a marshmallow pizza that is pizza flavored sounds even worse, but at least it would make sense.

Strangely, I wasn’t drunk, high, or delirious with hunger when I bought it, but I wish I was drunk or high when I ate some of it, because it is something I would like to forget in either an alcoholic haze or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style.

I took three regrettable bites out of the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice and then wished for a flux capacitor to be delivered via FedEx to my door so that I can go back in time and stop myself from purchasing something that not even fat kids would eat.

Its strawberry flavor was like I was eating a shitty strawberry yogurt. Its texture was a little tough, which is weird since it is a frickin’ marshmallow. Finally, the marshmallow pizza itself looked like a Picasso abstract painting…done by a 6-year-old with fingerpaints and on acid.

Despite everything bad about the Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice, there is some good. It is fat free, but unfortunately, the zero grams of fat don’t make up for the 1,000 grams of shame.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbs, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% calcium, 2% iron, and 1,000 grams of shame.)

Item: Megamallows Giant Pizza Slice
Price: $1.49
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It didn’t make me puke. Fat free.
Cons: It’s a pizza that’s strawberry flavored. 1,000 grams of shame. The marshmallow equivalent of a fuck you. Shitty strawberry taste. No flux capacitor.

Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers

I approached the checkout line at Target with caution. As a painfully neurotic and self-conscious person, I can get pretty freaked out about my shopping choices.

“Sir? I can help you over here,” a pleasant voice said, coming from the express line.

Damn it, stuck with the young, cute cashier again. Always the least attentive and most judgmental cashier available − too attractive to have a filter and too curious to leave me alone. The worst combination possible.

I tiptoed over slowly, put my hands in my pockets and said, “Uhh…yeah, I’ll just take everything in the basket. If you could just look to the left and blindly scan as quickly as possible, that’d be awesome.”

She laughed, “Sir, we can’t do that.”

As I was busy shifting my eyes side to side and fidgeting, she said, “Hey, what’s this?”

“IT’S FOR MY GIRLFRIEND!” I exclaimed, not knowing what she picked up.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess it’s a little personal,” she remarked, picking up a bottle of KY warming jelly.

Thank God. I wiped my forehead and casually quipped, “Oh, that? It’s just lube. I’m really sorry, I get a little defensive this time of year.”

She raised her eyebrows and went back to the basket to pick up a few more items. “Three bottles?”

I squinted my eyes and nodded, “Yeah. In addition to a little defensive, I get a lot of other emotions as well.”

Then her hand went for the last item in the basket. My heart raced. Holy shit, she was really going to see it. I braced myself as she looked at it.

Her eyes lit up. “Wow, this is cute! What is it?”

I slowly shook my head and pretended to look puzzled, saying, “Wow. That’s…that’s crazy, how did that get in there? Oh wait, I think I got that for my…my…valentine?”

“Is your valentine a ten year old girl?” she asked.

I sighed. The jig was up. I explained, “Look, it’s a collection of Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, okay? Not only does it have three Hello Kitty designs, it also has a bunny thing confusingly named My Melody. Her ears kind of look like one of those giant foam fingers that you get at baseball games and Phoenix Wright conventions, so I thought it was pretty cool. I was just buying the other stuff so that maybe you wouldn’t notice the box.”

“Aww…you didn’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be embarrassed to like a kid’s candy,” she replied.

I felt the need to further incriminate myself by saying, “Well, that’s the thing. I don’t really like PEZ. It’s basically colored sugar in brick form and the bonus candy bracelet is just about the most unsanitary method of eating I can think of. The box is really cool, though. I bet it’ll sell for a lot on eBay.”

She was beginning to look tired of feigning interest, saying, “Yeah…I mean, yeah, I guess it is. Well, I hope you enjoy your Valentine’s Day.”

I got over the embarrassment of my purchase and found the courage to ask, “Hey…if you’re not doing anything that day, maybe I pick you up at around 7:30?”

She stared at me blankly for few moments and began to crack a smile. The smile turned into giggle which turned into a cacophony of laughter. She shook her head and tore out the receipt, saying, “You’re hilarious, have a nice day!”

I took my bag and made a beeline for the exit. I whispered under my breath, “God…this is just as humiliating as Christmas shopping at the 99 Cent Store, just with higher prices and fewer rapists.”

Despite my troubles, I left Target with my head held up high. I didn’t have my manhood, dignity, or a Valentine’s Day date, but I had something that money can’t buy. The pride of having a lunchbox full of glass Hello Kitty PEZ dispensers, and really, that’s at least one more thing than I had last Valentine’s Day.

Item: Sanrio Hello Kitty PEZ Dispensers
Price: $9.99
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fun design and shapes that kids and nerds can appreciate. Comes in an adorable tin box. Well made glass material. Might be worth something to a socially awkward collector on eBay.
Cons: PEZ is pretty plain and doesn’t taste very interesting. PEZ candy can probably destroy your fillings. Attractive cashiers who question the things that you buy.

York Mints

(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.)

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly crawl up into my body to get away from the doctor’s rough, cold fingers, I wonder if it really was necessary to take my temperature with a rectal thermometer.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I’m sitting with a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend in the middle of romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding her hands in mine and expressing my eternal love by whispering to her, “I love you dearly. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but now I think you’re even more beautiful. I love everything about you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. When I caress you, kiss you, or touch you, I feel only happiness that I never want to end. My soul is complete with you and I want to be with you forever.”

Then after pouring out my heart and soul, she says, “I’m leaving you because I’m a lesbian and I have you to thank for helping me realize that.”

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I wake up half naked in a bathtub of ice in an abandoned, cockroach-infested apartment and on a table next to the tub is an old Nokia cell phone with a half-charged battery and a note that has the carefully-written address of my location and the words, “We’ve taken one of your kidneys, call 911 immediately.”

All of this happened after meeting some dude with an Eastern European accent about a futon couch he was selling for $20 on Craigslist because he was moving to another city.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I kind of got gypped. I expected them to be typical breath-freshening mints, like Altoids or Certs, since they were placed on the same shelf as all the other mints and gums. However, they are mint candy dipped in dark chocolate with a mint shell. Basically, they’re York Peppermint Patties in the form of Sixlets-sized balls, which I wish my doctor would grope instead of mine. There were about 30-35 pieces in the shiny, attractive tin and three York Mints have ten calories, zero fat, and three grams of sugar.

So if you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll probably like York Mints. But if you’re looking for a mint to freshen your breath when you’re sitting with your attractive significant other in the middle of a romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding their hands in yours and expressing your undying love, I’d suggest getting some Altoids and then bracing yourself for the possibility that you’ve helped them come out of the closet.

Item: York Mints
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll like these. $20 for a futon couch. Craigslist. Zero fat. Pretty, shiny tin. Dark chocolate, albeit very little.
Cons: They’re minty candy, not breath-freshening mints. Getting a kidney removed without your approval. Un-gloved doctor’s hands. Anal thermometers.

Twix PB

When you need to make an important decision or come up with the next big idea, there isn’t a better or more useful tool than a monkey throwing poop.

Need to come up with a new twist on an old product? Need a name for your shitty Metallica cover band? Want to know if someone loves you or loves you not, but all the flowers you pick have an even number of petals? Still can’t decide if Rosie was an upgrade, a downgrade, or about the same when she replaced Star Jones on The View? Do you need to develop a new reality TV show that doesn’t involve singing, surviving, sexy singles, or selecting a briefcase?

If you’re faced with any of these situations, a poop-throwing monkey is what you need.

The only things I can think of that are almost as effective with making decisions for someone are Lee Iacocca, the Magic 8-Ball, and overprotective parents.

So how does a poop-throwing monkey work?

It’s actually very simple. First, get a monkey, which you can steal from a zoo, South American jungle, the Playboy Mansion, or animal testing laboratory. Then you need to stick the monkey in a room with targets on the walls. Each one of those targets will represent an idea or a decision.

Then you have to get the monkey to throw its own poop at the targets. You can do this by getting the monkey angry, but in a humane way, because I saw the movie “28 Days Later” and I don’t want to end up infected.

A humane way of making a monkey angry enough to throw poop is to make it watch all the episodes of “Flava of Love” which will make the monkey reject evolution and denounce the belief that humans are “superior,” since it will believe that it is more advanced than anyone on that show.

The new Twix PB possibly smells like the result of a feces-throwing monkey. I created possible targets that were used to come up with the idea of Twix PB, which are below.

Click image to enlarge

Apparently, the monkey flung its poop to hit the targets for milk chocolate coating, chocolate cookie, and peanut butter filling and let me tell you that the monkey’s poop sure knows how to pick a good combination. The Twix PB has a stronger peanut butter taste and is more flavorful than the regular Peanut Butter Twix, which has a regular cookie instead of a chocolate one.

The Twix PB proves once again that the combination of just chocolate and peanut butter can’t go wrong and that poop-throwing monkeys shouldn’t be feared, they should be rewarded with food, because more food means more poop.

Item: Twix PB
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Stronger peanut butter taste and more flavorful than regular Peanut Butter Twix. Usually can’t go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter. Using a monkey to help with decisions and new ideas.
Cons: Cleaning up after the poop-throwing monkey. Watching “Flava of Love.” Shitty Metallica cover bands. Getting a monkey from a South American jungle.

REVIEW: Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack

I know what you’re thinking.

With the word “oral” in the name of today’s review subject, the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack, you’re probably wondering how many oral sex references will be in this review.

I thought about taking the blowjob approach, but realized going down on that long hard road would be an obvious twist for those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy reader. I wanted to wrap my head around quality, rock hard writing, instead of the usual crass and juvenile reviews I write.

But I also thought the idea would be fun to play with. This caused my head to go back and forth between taking the long hard road or not taking it. I also thought if I should swallow my pride, write the review, and see what people think or if I should spit out the idea.

In the end, I wiped my mouth clean of the oral sex idea and decided to do a classy review of these mints, which would involve me sucking on mints, taking it all in my mouth, and doing it repeatedly until I came to a happy ending.

Besides wondering about how many blowjob references would be in this review, I’m sure all of you have non-sexual questions about the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack. So I posed myself several questions that someone would probably ask about these mints. Whether they be long or short questions, I’ll satisfy them all.

Question: What are the six flavors in the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack and which mints did you like sucking on the most and least?

Answer: The six flavors are 7 Deadly Cinnamon, Mojito Mint (Lime Mine Cocktail), Night Light (Caffeinated Chai Mint), Sugar Free Tibet (Sugarless Wintergreens), Classical Peppermint, and Spare Mint. The mint I enjoyed sucking on the most was the Classical Peppermint, because I’ve sucked on a lot of mints over the years and every peppermint has always tasted good in my mouth. My least favorite was the Sugar Free Tibet mint because it tasted like I was sucking on a Fun Dip stick without the flavored sugar.

Question: I’m a smoker and I love to eat things with onions. My co-workers don’t like to be around me after my smoke break or lunch. Will these mints help with my breath?

Answer: If you’ve gone down are a few hot dogs loaded with onion and sauerkraut, I don’t think any of these mints have the power to mask what you just swallowed. None of the smooth mints in the Oral Fixation Variety 6-Pack come close to the punch that Altoids have. Even sticking more than one mint in your mouth won’t help.

Question: I don’t know if you watched Rush Hour 2, but remember that scene when they go to the massage parlor to find Ricky Tan and they’re allowed to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women. Is having to choose between the six mint flavors anything close to that?

Answer: Wow! That was a long question. Give me a moment to take it all in. A little bit more. I’m almost there. Okay, it’s all in. I have seen Rush Hour 2 and I think the scene when they had to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women is similar to picking which mints to suck on. Just like there were really exotic-looking women in that scene, there were also really exotic tasting mints. The Mojito Mint and Night Light mints were intriguing since they were unusual flavors for mints. The Mojito Mint had a good lime flavor and it was probably my second favorite mint from the bunch. The Night Light mints were caffeinated, but I don’t think there was enough to raise me to attention.

Question: Do you think the Oral Fixation logo on the tin looks frickin’ scary and it also looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask?

Answer: Dude, it totally looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask! Also, the embossed logo on each of the tins seems kind of creepy to me. When I look at it, I’m afraid the logo will pop out and stab me in an eye. Or they’ll melt off and form a pool of liquid metal, which will turn into a female cyborg hellbent on assassinating John Connor. It also looks like a female praying mantis about to eat her mate right after getting it on with each other. If I was sucking on a fattie, that logo would totally blow my mind.

Question: Did you try all six flavors at one time?

Question: I did stick all six mints in my mouth, and let me tell you, it was hard because it’s been awhile since I’ve had six mints in my mouth. I thought I’d spit some out, but I kept all of them in my mouth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Dennis from Details For Men for sending me the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack.)

Item: Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Details For Men
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice tins. Variety is the spice of life. Classical Peppermint was the best. Mojito Mint was good. Night Light mint was interesting.
Cons: Not strong mints, like Altoids. Sugar Free Tibet. Oral Fixation Mints logo is creepy and looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Mask.