Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel

There probably have been thousands of ideas in the history of ideas that have looked good on paper, but in the end never really turned out to be very good. For example, dnL, Cowboy Troy, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. All of those things pretty much also sucked on paper. But you get the idea.

Now we can add the new Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel to the list. Usually, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have the ability to make women orgasm more quickly than any man (Or woman. Or vibrating object. Or picture of Brad Pitt.) could.

However, after eating a couple packs of this new Reese’s variation, I can safely say that women will not orgasm after eating it, because the caramel is apparently a culinary cock block.

I really like caramel. I like them on apples. I like them in Twix. I like Eva Longoria.

But the caramel in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel seemed to overpower the flavor of the peanut butter.

It’s kind of like how Star Jones sometimes overpowers the rest women on The View, not only because she’s loud and obnoxious, but also because I think the other women are afraid to say anything because Star might eat them.

There’s a reason why Barbara Walters doesn’t sit next to her, and that reason is…Appetizer.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel were good, but the caramel made the peanut butter cups a little too sweet for my tastes. It also made the peanut butter cups is a little too unstable for my tastes.

With normal Reese’s, the top and bottom are pretty firm when you pinch them. However, because the caramel, which is underneath the peanut butter, has more of a liquid consistency than peanut butter, the chocolate at bottom of each peanut butter cup is kind of soft, which could easily crack, cause a gooey caramel-ly mess, and make you more edible for Star Jones.


Item: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel
Purchase Price: 53 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not as good as the original. Eva Longoria. Caramel apples.
Cons: Star Jones. Caramel dominated the peanut butter flavor, making it a little too sweet. Caramel on the bottom makes the peanut butter cup less stable. Using the word “because” three times in a sentence. Star Jones when she’s hungry.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat

Limited Edition Coffee KitKat

Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.

REVIEW: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans

Bertie Bott's Beans

Who would’ve thought that being made to eat dirt and grass by bullies in grade school would come in handy someday?

Thanks to those bullies, who can still kick my ass, but still can’t write a better book report than me, I can determine the authenticity of some of the jelly bean flavors found in a box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, which regular Impulsive Buy reader, Lucy, suggested I try.

For those who aren’t familiar with Bertie Bott’s Beans, eating a box of them is like playing jelly bean Russian Roulette.

You can be happy eating one of the normal flavors: blueberry, cherry, cinnamon, grape jelly, green apple, lemon drop, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, and tutti-fruitti.

Or you can die eating one of the abnormal flavors: black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit.

Fortunately, there’s a flavor guide on the back of each box, but I didn’t bother looking at it because I’m a man who likes to live his life dangerously by doing crazy things, like reading a chapter of Dianetics and calling grade school bullies “pussies.”

As I went through the box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, I tried to figure out each flavor. I got almost all of the normal flavors correct, but I had a lot of problems with the abnormal flavors.

The easiest ones to figure out were black pepper, dirt, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, and spinach. However, booger, earthworm, ear wax, and vomit were hard to figure out, because I’ve never tried boogers, earthworms, and ear wax. As for the vomit jelly beans, I couldn’t recognize it because it didn’t have that distinct vodka flavor that my vomit usually has.

Individually, the abnormal jelly beans are tolerable, but I wondered how tolerable they would be if I mixed them all together.

So I grabbed a black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit jelly bean, headed towards the bathroom, and kneeled over the toilet. For two minutes, I prepared myself for the concoction I was about to put into my mouth.

“How bad it could be?” I thought to myself. After all, I’ve recently stuck mint flavored condoms, habanero beef jerky, and potato chips made with Olestra into my mouth, so a few abnormal jelly beans shouldn’t be so bad. Then I took a deep breath and slammed the handful of jelly beans into my mouth.

About one second and one chew later, I violently spit out the jelly beans into the toilet. The spitting was closely followed by several dry heaves. The dry heaves were closely followed by tears in my eyes.

I began to wonder if I would finally find out what vodka-less vomit tastes like. Fortunately, I didn’t find out.

After making sure my dinner wasn’t going to make a reappearance, I ran to the bathroom sink, grabbed my toothbrush, squirted on my toothbrush way more toothpaste than the American Dental Association recommends, and brushed my teeth like I just French kissed a drunken Courtney Love and a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith.

I could say that the taste of it was repulsive, but I think that would be an understatement. I think if death has a taste, it would probably taste much like what I experienced.


Item: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans
Purchase Price: $1.99 (1.6 ounce box)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great gag gift to give. Realistic normal flavors. Blueberry rocks.
Cons: Horrible gag gift to receive. Realistic abnormal flavors. Mixing abnormal flavors. Dry heaving from mixing abnormal flavors.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

Hershey's Reese's Cookies

The other week, an Impulsive Buy reader asked if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

Smoothie Mix Skittles

Smoothie Skittles

I’m not a fan of pastel colors, because I don’t look good in pastels.

If I wore pastel colors, I would look like a snotty, country club membership owning, private school graduated prick or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.

Plus, there’s something emasculating about pastel. Maybe it’s the brightness of it, after all, my wardrobe and soul consists of mostly dark colors.

It was this dislike of pastel that had me second guessing my purchase of these Smoothie Mix Skittles. I was afraid the bright colors of the Skittles would do something strange to me, like direct me towards the nearest Gap to look at their spring collection.

That fortunately didn’t happen after I ate the entire bag of Skittles.

In each bag of Smoothie Mix Skittles, there are five flavors: orange mango, peach pear, strawberry banana, lemon berry, and mixed berry. My favorite was the peach pear flavor.

With most of the combinations, I felt that one flavor really overpowered the other. For example, with the orange mango flavor, I could mostly taste the orange. With the pear peach flavor, I could mostly taste the pear.

However, with the strawberry banana flavor, I really couldn’t taste either.

Overall, I thought the Smoothie Mix Skittles were good. If they didn’t come in pastel colors, they would be slightly better.

Well folks, now that the obligatory review is out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this month’s prize drawing.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving ONE lucky reader a $15 iTunes Gift Card, which we reviewed last month.

Yahtzee! (BTW, “Yahtzee! is now the official Impulsive Buy catch phrase, which we stole from a particular board game company.)

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Tune Me On” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re crusty, drunk, smelly, and cheap comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Tune Me On” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of all 37 cents of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on March 11, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on March 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States. (Sorry to the rest of the world, the card can only be redeemed at the U.S. iTunes Music Store)

The winner of the prize drawing will be picked in the following way:

I will dictate each entrant’s email address, which will be recorded by my computer. The dictated email addresses will be turned into individual MP3 files. I will import all of the MP3s into iTunes and create a playlist containing all of the dictated email addresses.

Then I will click the shuffle button in iTunes fifteen times, which will mix up the order of the MP3s. Finally, I will play the MP3s and the fifteenth email I hear will be the winner of this month’s prize drawing.

Hopefully, there will be more than fifteen entries.

So for those of you who’d like some free music, here’s your chance.

Yahtzee!

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting free Starbucks coffee for a year. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for an airline frequent flyer credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.


Item: Smoothie Mix Skittles
Purchase Price: 50 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. More sugar than a can of soda. Interesting flavor combinations. I’m not a country club snob or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.
Cons: Emasculating pastel colors. One flavor seemed to dominant the other with most mixed flavors.

REVIEW: Cookies & Twix

Cookies & Twix

One of the reasons why I decided to review the Cookies & Twix candy bar was because I was told they’re almost as good as sex.

I didn’t quite believe her, so I decided to look deeper into it by reaching into my limited sexual history.

Wait, do blow-up dolls and shady massage parlors count?

I’ll just add them anyway.

After I scanned my limited sexual history, I realized that Melanie was wrong.

These Cookies & Twix candy bars are very good, so good, in fact, I think they’re better than first-time sex.

With first-time sex, there’s a lot of fumbling, not knowing where to put things, putting the condom on the wrong way, a lot of questions being asked, like “Is it in?”, “Does it feel good?” or “Does it hurt?” and premature ejaculation.

I gotta admit, I would rather have a Cookies & Twix candy bar, than experience first-time sex all over again. So I believe that sometimes these Cookies & Twix candy bars are indeed better than sex.

Hey, she didn’t say what kind of sex?

Anyway, now that we have that settled, I really do like these Cookies and Twix candy bars, but I have a problem with them. They’re hardly different than the delicious regular Twix?

They both have the same parts (a cookie, caramel, and chocolate), except put together differently.

Basically, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is a regular Twix turned inside out. Instead of having a cookie surrounded by caramel and chocolate, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is caramel and chocolate surrounded by a cookie.

I believe the Cookie & Twix candy bar is actually the deformed and rejected Twix, that have formed due to some kind of inbreeding. Of course, this is just a hypothesis, but the clues point to inbreeding.

Nevertheless, I love these deformed Twix, just as much as regular Twix.

I’ve got room in my stomach for both of them.


Item: Cookies & Twix
Purchase Price: 45 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. If you like Twix, you’ll like these. Showing love to the Deformed Twix.
Cons: Looks kind of small. This is what you get when Twix inbreed.