REVIEW: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies

Hershey's Reese's Cookies

The other week, an Impulsive Buy reader asked if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

Smoothie Mix Skittles

Smoothie Skittles

I’m not a fan of pastel colors, because I don’t look good in pastels.

If I wore pastel colors, I would look like a snotty, country club membership owning, private school graduated prick or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.

Plus, there’s something emasculating about pastel. Maybe it’s the brightness of it, after all, my wardrobe and soul consists of mostly dark colors.

It was this dislike of pastel that had me second guessing my purchase of these Smoothie Mix Skittles. I was afraid the bright colors of the Skittles would do something strange to me, like direct me towards the nearest Gap to look at their spring collection.

That fortunately didn’t happen after I ate the entire bag of Skittles.

In each bag of Smoothie Mix Skittles, there are five flavors: orange mango, peach pear, strawberry banana, lemon berry, and mixed berry. My favorite was the peach pear flavor.

With most of the combinations, I felt that one flavor really overpowered the other. For example, with the orange mango flavor, I could mostly taste the orange. With the pear peach flavor, I could mostly taste the pear.

However, with the strawberry banana flavor, I really couldn’t taste either.

Overall, I thought the Smoothie Mix Skittles were good. If they didn’t come in pastel colors, they would be slightly better.

Well folks, now that the obligatory review is out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this month’s prize drawing.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving ONE lucky reader a $15 iTunes Gift Card, which we reviewed last month.

Yahtzee! (BTW, “Yahtzee! is now the official Impulsive Buy catch phrase, which we stole from a particular board game company.)

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Tune Me On” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re crusty, drunk, smelly, and cheap comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Tune Me On” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of all 37 cents of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on March 11, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on March 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States. (Sorry to the rest of the world, the card can only be redeemed at the U.S. iTunes Music Store)

The winner of the prize drawing will be picked in the following way:

I will dictate each entrant’s email address, which will be recorded by my computer. The dictated email addresses will be turned into individual MP3 files. I will import all of the MP3s into iTunes and create a playlist containing all of the dictated email addresses.

Then I will click the shuffle button in iTunes fifteen times, which will mix up the order of the MP3s. Finally, I will play the MP3s and the fifteenth email I hear will be the winner of this month’s prize drawing.

Hopefully, there will be more than fifteen entries.

So for those of you who’d like some free music, here’s your chance.

Yahtzee!

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting free Starbucks coffee for a year. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for an airline frequent flyer credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.


Item: Smoothie Mix Skittles
Purchase Price: 50 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. More sugar than a can of soda. Interesting flavor combinations. I’m not a country club snob or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.
Cons: Emasculating pastel colors. One flavor seemed to dominant the other with most mixed flavors.

REVIEW: Cookies & Twix

Cookies & Twix

One of the reasons why I decided to review the Cookies & Twix candy bar was because I was told they’re almost as good as sex.

I didn’t quite believe her, so I decided to look deeper into it by reaching into my limited sexual history.

Wait, do blow-up dolls and shady massage parlors count?

I’ll just add them anyway.

After I scanned my limited sexual history, I realized that Melanie was wrong.

These Cookies & Twix candy bars are very good, so good, in fact, I think they’re better than first-time sex.

With first-time sex, there’s a lot of fumbling, not knowing where to put things, putting the condom on the wrong way, a lot of questions being asked, like “Is it in?”, “Does it feel good?” or “Does it hurt?” and premature ejaculation.

I gotta admit, I would rather have a Cookies & Twix candy bar, than experience first-time sex all over again. So I believe that sometimes these Cookies & Twix candy bars are indeed better than sex.

Hey, she didn’t say what kind of sex?

Anyway, now that we have that settled, I really do like these Cookies and Twix candy bars, but I have a problem with them. They’re hardly different than the delicious regular Twix?

They both have the same parts (a cookie, caramel, and chocolate), except put together differently.

Basically, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is a regular Twix turned inside out. Instead of having a cookie surrounded by caramel and chocolate, a Cookies & Twix candy bar is caramel and chocolate surrounded by a cookie.

I believe the Cookie & Twix candy bar is actually the deformed and rejected Twix, that have formed due to some kind of inbreeding. Of course, this is just a hypothesis, but the clues point to inbreeding.

Nevertheless, I love these deformed Twix, just as much as regular Twix.

I’ve got room in my stomach for both of them.


Item: Cookies & Twix
Purchase Price: 45 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. If you like Twix, you’ll like these. Showing love to the Deformed Twix.
Cons: Looks kind of small. This is what you get when Twix inbreed.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Take 5

Take5

Wow. I just realized something.

The Impulsive Buy rarely ever reviews candy bars. Take a look at the archives. We’ve only reviewed the M-Azing candy bar.

Although, if you could see my ass, you would think I’ve reviewed a whole lot more.

To those of you who actually looked at the archives, you might have noticed the EcoBar we reviewed in September. All I have to say about that is, anything with the word “Eco” in it will never be considered a candy bar.

The other week, we were told about a new candy called Take 5 from Hershey’s. It contained the combination of pretzels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter, and milk chocolate (Get it, five ingredients. Take 5.)

At first we didn’t believe it because we thought it was impossible to fit all of that into a candy bar. But then we thought if Star Jones could fit in her wedding dress, anything was possible.

I went to the convenience store down the street to see if they had Take 5 in stock. Fortunately, they did and they were 2 for $1.

(Get ready for the REALLY lame pun.)

The Take 5 were so cheap that I took four.

(Yeah, worse pun EVER!)

After opening the wrapper, I saw two chocolate-covered pieces about the same size as a pretzel. I took a bite out of one of the pieces and thought it was pretty good. All of the ingredients created a nice mixture of sweet and salty. They were so good, that if I ever wanted to turn into Star Jones, I would do it by eating a whole bunch of these.

Despite them being really good, there’s one thing that bothers me about the Take 5 and I’m going to direct my attention towards the last Take 5 I have.

Wassup, Take 5! Why you gotta be a hater for?

Where the hell is the nouGAT at?

Nougat is good enough for a 3 Musketeers, but it isn’t good enough for a Take 5?

I’m sorry almighty bar of milk chocolate, pretzels, caramel, peanuts, and peanut butter, you’re too good for nougat.

Also, why aren’t you showing any love for almonds, rice crisps, white chocolate, granola, and coconut?

Oh wait, screw coconut. I hate coconut.

Come on you’ve got peanut butter AND peanuts. Don’t you think that’s a little overkill?

Why can’t you have nougat and/or rice crisps and be called Take 6 or Take 7, huh?

Damn hater.

Item: Hershey’s Take 5
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Nice mixture of sweet and salty. Nice mixture of crunchy and chewy.
Cons: Hater. Where’s the nougat at?

REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix

spystix

So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix?

Let see…One…Two…Oh, yeah baby you like that?

(Bow chica. Bow chica.)

You like how I lick it?

You want more, Ms. Angelina Jolie?

Say my name.

Who’s your daddy?

(Tap on shoulder)

What! Don’t bother me while I pretend to make out with Angelina Jolie!

The Spy Stix is phallic?

DAMMIT!

I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE BOOBIES! I LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE!

When I first saw the commercial for the Tootsie Pop Spy Styx, I thought they were pretty cool. It’s just like Tootsie Pops, except in a stick form and in a neato plastic case. Just slide the candy out with a lever, take a few licks, then slide it in, close the container, and store it for later.

I picked one up from the convenience store down the street and paid $1.35 for it, which is about the same price of THREE regular Tootsie Pops and way more expensive than most of the other candy on the shelf. I figured that if I’m paying that much, I should expect some big things from it.

However, when I opened it up and slid the candy out from the case, I was so disappointed. It was like expecting an iPod for Christmas, but getting a used Spanish dubbed VHS copy of Spice World that also needed to be rewound (It’s the new lump of black coal).

One of the biggest problems with the Spy Stix was the fact I couldn’t eat all of the candy, which there wasn’t much to begin with. The lever doesn’t allow all of the candy to be extended out. So there’s this small bit of candy that you can’t reach and there’s no way I’m sticking my tongue down the case’s opening to try and lick it. Getting my tongue stuck in something is not going to happen again.

Another problem was the neato candy retracting case, which turned out to be not so neato. After taking a few licks of the Spy Styx, I retracted the candy into the case, but it got stuck when I wanted to extend it again for a few more licks. However, after messing with the lever for a few moments, I could extend it again.

Finally, this last problem you already read. It makes a bad replacement for an imaginary girlfriend. Although, it would make a great replacement for an imaginary boyfriend.

Well I guess I’m going to have to stick with making out with my pillow for now.

The Tootsie Pop Spy Stix is such a horrible product that I’m going to give it the Impulsive Buy’s first-ever ZERO RATING.

Take that for messing up my pretend make out session with Angelina Jolie!

Item: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix
Purchase Price: $1.35
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Retractable candy in convenient flip top case.
Cons: Waaay overpriced. Sometimes candy is hard to retract. Packaging makes it hard to eat all of it. Bad replacement for imaginary girlfriend. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix. I guess the world may never know.