I’ve gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but after going cuckoo too many times, I just don’t get a rise from eating a bowl of it. Not even the chocolatey milk the cereal leaves behind or crushing the cereal into a fine powder and snorting it using a rolled up 75 cents off Cocoa Puffs coupon gets me to go cuckoo.
However, it looks like I might be riding the cocoa cobra again because General Mills has introduced a new Cocoa Puffs variety — Brownie Crunch Cocoa Puffs. The cereal doesn’t have any puffs, instead it’s made up of naturally and artificially flavored sweetened chocolatey squares.
A 3/4 cup serving has 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.
I thought the idea of going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs was preposterous, like the belief that eating Trix will turn you into a prostitute. For years, I ate the brown balls of naturally and artificially flavored sweetened corn cereal and nothing ever happened to me. There was no bouncing off walls, no instantaneous urges to hump mailboxes, no desire to walk around in nothing but a coconut bra and grass skirt, no yearning for yogurt baths, and no longing to stalk an F-list celebrity and become them by wearing their skin like a coat, all the while screaming at the top of my lungs, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”
However, that changed one morning while partaking in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and skim milk. I don’t know whether it was the whole grains in it or the fact I was eating it out of a bowl I made in the seventh grade that was coated in a lead-based glaze, but I suddenly went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. One moment I was eating cereal and then the next moment I was dancing around my apartment in what I believe was a homemade cosplay outfit made out of wax paper, food coloring, cardboard boxes and a strategically placed wash cloth. Ever since that episode, I’ve stayed away from Cocoa Puffs, which disappointed me since I <3 Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes.
However, the folks at General Mills recently introduced a cereal called Cocoa Puffs Combos, which has not only naturally and artificially flavored chocolate cereal, but also naturally and artificially flavored vanilla cereal. I thought this was my opportunity to enjoy Cocoa Puffs again, albeit with a vanilla chaser that I hoped would lessen the cuckoo side effects. Take a look at the video below to see how that went.
Obviously, with the addition of the vanilla cereal, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was significantly less chocolatey than regular Cocoa Puffs. However, it wasn’t just the vanilla cereal causing this, which by the way, hardly had any vanilla flavor. The Cocoa Puffs Combos chocolate cereal wasn’t even being close to being as chocolatey as the cereal in regular Cocoa Puffs. It’s like the white vanilla cereal was keeping the brown chocolate cereal down.
Overall, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was disappointing because I expected it to be a little more chocolatey than it was and it didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Not even the milk was worth drinking and every time I don’t drink my cereal milk, a dairy cow cries milk from its udder. Chocolate and vanilla may go great together as soft serve ice cream flavors or as a metaphor for interracial dating, but doesn’t do very well in this cereal.
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the TIB reader who suggested we review Cocoa Puffs Combos. The reader didn’t leave their name, so no two seconds of internet fame for them.)
Item: Cocoa Puffs Combos Price: $5.99 Size: 11.7 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 5 out of 10 Pros: Good for those who don’t like sweet cereal. Vitamins and minerals. Soft serve swirl. Regular Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes. Doesn’t make me cuckoo enough to do something REALLY embarrassing, just slightly embarrassing. Cons: Not as chocolatey as I hoped. Less chocolate didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Chocolate cereal was mediocre compared with regular Cocoa Puffs. Vanilla cereal wasn’t very vanilla. Going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Me dancing in a dress and posting it on YouTube for the world to see.
Where the hell is Sonny? I want to barbeque his orange-feathered ass.
Whatâ€™s up with this 3/4 less sugar in his Cocoa Puffs?
Doesnâ€™t Sonny realize heâ€™s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.
I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldnâ€™t have survived grade school. I wouldnâ€™t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.
For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little â€œhusky,â€ but I excelled in school and thatâ€™s all that really mattered. Itâ€™s better to be a smart â€œhuskyâ€ kid than a stupid â€œhuskyâ€ kid.
For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.
But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?
Whereâ€™s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They canâ€™t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday and I donâ€™t think any of them are willing to risk stunting their growth.
So what else does all this loss of sugar get us?
It gets us Cocoa Puffs that doesnâ€™t turn the milk chocolatey. You heard me. No chocolatey milk.
Whatâ€™s to blame for this? Splenda, thatâ€™s what.
Damn you, Splenda! Damn you!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Itâ€™s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids that energy comes in the form of sugar.
With 3/4 less sugar, I donâ€™t think kids are going to go cuckoo over these Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs.
Editorâ€™s Note: If youâ€™re an astute Impulsive Buy reader, you may have noticed that todayâ€™s review is almost identical to a review we did in September for Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar.
Item: Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale) Rating: 2 out of 5 Pros: Chocolate. On sale. Cons: Reduced taste. Splenda. Doesnâ€™t make chocolate milk anymore. Iâ€™m not cuckoo for these Cocoa Puffs. We sort of recycled a review.