I’ll tell you what I like about living in the 21st century. I mean besides the whole finding cures for terrible diseases and having a lot of great shows on Netflix.
What I like are the rabbit holes.
Just recently I fell down a rabbit hole when I watched the episode of Family Matters where Urkelbot first appeared. I wanted to know who was playing the robot. Who wouldn’t? It was Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers from the 1984 movie Breakin’. From there I stumbled into Electric Boogaloo, then Cannon Films, then New Line Cinema, then the House Party Trilogy. Needless to say I watched all those movies and now own the discographies of both Kid ‘n Play and Tony! Toni! Toné!.
The internet is great.
This review led me down the path of food mascots, and eventually to food mascots that had their own video games. The 80s and early 90s were a magical time, you guys. I feel like branding and marketing was in its golden age then. It was the perfect nexus of junk food, fast food, video games and the cartoon arts.
How else can you explain the fact that Chester Cheetah had not one, but two video games? I knew he had one, but was surprised to find that 1992’s seminal Too Cool to Fool spawned a sequel called Wild Wild Quest. I want to live in the time when that was possible.
Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald and the Noid both had a pair of digital adventures, and who could forget Kool-Aid Man’s eponymous Atari 2600 classic.
Not impressed? The 7-Up Spot had three games! Three! He was huge in the 90s! Wonder what he’s doing now. Probably directing.
But my favorite of all food mascot video games, and sneaking in just before the dawn of the millennium, was the Japanese release of Pepsiman for the original Playstation, starring none other than Pepsi Japan’s thirst-quenching superhero, Pepsiman. I had no idea that Pepsiman existed, and I feel like I missed out. He looks awesome! Equal parts Silver Surfer and Generation Next, if he commanded me to drink Pepsi, you bet your sweet sugar syrup I would. Needless to say, I’m marginally obsessed and want to eBay everything I can get my hands on. Sidebar: I love the bottle caps Japan does with the little figures on top? Why don’t we do that in the states?
Anyway, until my Pepsiman collection is complete, Chester Cheetah and this bag of Cheeseburger Cheetos will have to do.
This variety is the newest limited edition from Frito-Lay Japan. I find it exciting, as I’ve never tried a Cheetos variant that wasn’t just a new level of spice with a new corresponding color of red.
Realistically, cheeseburger flavor is always a problematic endeavor. What does “cheeseburger” mean? Does it mean beef and cheese? Beef, cheese, and bun? Beef, cheese, bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, and relish as the photo on the bag suggests? You get the idea. It’s downright philosophical really.
And speaking of the bag, I’m saddened Chester has been relegated to the back. He needs to get in touch with Spot’s representation.
The nosegrope is unusual. It’s a weird blend of pickles, mustard, and, of all things, rye bread.
The flavor is an equally unusual blend of rye bread, cheese, pickles, mustard, and onion.
If that’s not helpful, I can pinpoint the flavor exactly. You know how you buy a McDonalds cheeseburger and it’s all delicious and wonderful? Have you ever purchased too many and put one in the fridge? These Cheetos taste like a day old, refrigerated then microwaved McDonalds cheeseburger. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but they nailed it. Seriously, it’s uncanny.
The flavor is bizarre but it sort of works. These are maybe the most interesting Japanese snack I’ve had. I don’t know if I love them, but I am definitely intrigued by them. I always recommend picking up Japanese snacks for fun, but you really do have to try these.
Besides Chester could use the scratch. He’s on the back of the bag, and he’s not getting a third game any time soon.
(Nutrition Facts – 448 calories, 25.7 grams of fat, 579 milligrams of sodium, 49.6 grams of carbohydrates, 4.6 grams of protein.)
Smoked cheeses usually have a brownish exterior, but these Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs don’t have any similar color characteristics of smoked cheese. Instead they’re just noticeably less radioactive orange than regular Cheetos.
Of course, because of the shape of Cheetos Puffs, if they did have a brownish exterior, they would look like poop.
It seems whenever Frito-Lay wants to get fancy with Cheetos Puffs, they break out different cheddar varieties, like white cheddar. And if they want to go the opposite of fancy, they create pizza-flavored Cheetos. There are dozens of cheeses they could’ve gone with, but they stuck with what they know (and can pronounce) — cheddar.
I mean, there are so many cheeses with butcherable names they could flavor their cornmeal puffs with.
Here’s a list. Say them out loud and give your mouth a workout. Then guess which one of them is completely made up…without help from the internet.
There’s Gruyère, Boerenkaas, Taleggio, Montcabrer, Scamorza, Robiola della Alta Langa, Courgherst, Fium’Orbu, Neufchatel, Rauchkase, Camembert de Normandie, Nevat de Oveja, and Époisses.
(The answer can be found in the Cons section of this review)
But the fine food scientists at Frito-Lay didn’t pick a cheese with a tongue twister for a name, they decided to combine the flavor of smoked cheddar with their iconic snack to create the Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs.
Regular Cheetos Puffs have a strong cheesiness and it’s what makes them so great. But these Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos lack that, even though they’re flavored with smoked cheddar, regular cheddar, blue cheese, and parmesan. Instead these crunchy puffs had a mild cheese and equally mild, slightly off-putting artificial smoke flavor.
The lack of cheesiness made me hesitate when it was time to decide whether or not to suck the Cheetos dust off my fingers. However, because I was too lazy to grab a napkin or to walk to a sink, I sucked my fingers clean. But I didn’t enjoy it.
The superimposed smoke that surrounds the Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos on the front of the packaging makes each one look like it’s losing its soul. The image is fitting because the lack of cheesiness make these Cheetos taste like they’ve lost their souls.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 13 pieces – 150 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
Item: Limited Edition Smoked Cheddar Cheetos Puffs Purchased Price: $4.39 Size: 9 ounces Purchased at: Foodland Rating: 5 out of 10 Pros: Crunchy. Not colored like smoked cheddar. Less radioactive looking. How easy it was to come up with a fake cheese name. Cons: Not cheesy enough. Artificial smokiness was a little off-putting. Cheddar being the default cheese flavor for snacks. Made me hesitant to suck my fingers clean. Courgherst.
I predict the limited time only Cheetos Puffs Smoked Cheddar will be popular among the cannabis crowd because I imagine they will get a kick out of a product that contains the words “puffs” and “smoked.” That makes me giggle a little bit, and I’m not high.
Cheetos Puffs Smoked Cheddar features the usual cheesy flavor with a smoky twist. The new snack has some tie in with the upcoming release of the Just Dance 4 video game. They’re available now in 9-ounce bags for a suggested retail price of $3.49.
If you’ve tried Cheetos Puffs Smoked Cheddar, let us know what you think of them in the comments. If my words have somehow made you yearn for the new Cheetos variety, use Frito-Lay’s product finder to help you get some.
Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso es la mejor variedad de Cheetos!
Yes, I really do think Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso is the best variety of Cheetos I’ve ever had, and you should go buy some.
Now, I could just end the review right here, drop my wireless keyboard on the floor, and walk away with two Cheetos dust-covered fists in the air, but I have to elaborate because as I learned in high school debate, I can’t win an argument by only yelling, “I’m right, you’re wrong. So suck it!”
For those of you who didn’t take Spanish at any education level or don’t watch Dora the Explorer, “queso” is Spanish for “cheese,” “con” is Spanish for “with,” and “salsa” is Spanish for “salsa.”
If you’re not familiar with the different varieties of Cheetos, regular Cheetos Crunchy has a radioactive orange cheesy coating, while Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot has an evil red cheesy and spicy coating which makes the snack look as if the Devil used them as cotton swabs to clean his ears.
If you look at the closeup photo below, you’ll see these Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso look like they have a level of seasoning somewhere between the two. There’s some evil red flavoring, but it’s mostly harmless orange flavoring. Because of the dark red seasoning on these Cheetos, I thought they would be somewhat spicy, but they’re not. There’s a slight chile pepper heat to them, but if you hate the spicy, Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso plays nicely. (I’m sorry, that last sentence sounded better in my head.) At first, I was disappointed about its lack of spiciness, but the more I ate; the more I realized the heat would’ve overwhelmed the wonderful flavor of this crunchy snack.
I’ve never tasted salsa con queso, nor have I tasted the messy result of me with an open bottle of salsa in my hand tripping into someone else carrying a bowl of melted Velveeta who also tripped, leading to a “you’ve got salsa in my Velveeta and you’ve got Velveeta in my salsa” conversation, but if it tastes anything like these Cheetos Crunchy snacks, I’m going to have to clog my arteries by experiencing some real salsa con queso.
Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso’s flavor has a bit of everything Chester Cheetah is throwing into the bowl of low viscosity cheese on the packaging — tomatoes, chile peppers, and limes. Those three flavors are equally balanced and back up the cheesy flavor perfectly. They’re so good that they’re, by far, my favorite Cheetos variety, and I think, since Taco Bell and Frito-Lay have already put Fritos in a burrito and used Doritos as a taco shell, I’d like to see these Cheetos stuffed into a Gordita or Chalupa.
On the back of the bag it says, “Salsa Con Queso snacks, a flavor that will leave your taste buds begging for more,” and I have to agree with that statement. Even before I finished the first bag, I bought another. As a matter of fact, I’m eating that second bag right now as I type with just my right hand.
Oh dear, these Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso are so addictive that they’re forcing me to use my computer with only one hand. It’s as if I’m an internet porn addict.
Please take this bag away from me!
(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/21 pieces – 150 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
Item: Cheetos Crunchy Salsa Con Queso Price: $2.99 (on sale) Size: 9.25 ounces Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 9 out of 10 Pros: Addictive. Balanced flavor of cheese, chile peppers, lime, and tomato. Crunchy. Would be nice in a Taco Bell menu item. Learning Spanish via Dora the Explorer. Cons: Needs to come in a bigger bag. Perhaps too addictive. Typing with one hand because the other hand is covered in Cheetos dust. Contains MSG.
Machismo + 90â€™s Xtreme = the present day douchebag.
I have concluded that the above is the correct formula. Or as a recipe it would read, one part exaggerated masculinity and one equal part X-Games generation, a gallon of penis envy, and a pinch of misdirected anger will give you the douchebag.
Everyone remembers the late 90â€™s where everyâ€¦fuckingâ€¦thing was so damned EXTREME! (Extreeeeme!!!) And you know it was extra extreme when they got rid of the “e” and it was just X-treme or some stupid variation. Images of snowboarders, tats, overdone spiked hairdoâ€™s with goatees grasping some neon green drink, you know XXXXXTREME MUTHAfuckas!!! Red Bullâ€™s and FrÃ¯s Vodka anyone?
Once the 90â€™s gave way to the new millennium, the very common denominator of the public latched on to all the worst things about the EXTREME (Extreeeeme!!!) crowd. After the Y2K scare, Buckle clothing stores were popping up all over the malls like a gonorrhea infection. Davidoffâ€™s Cool Water cologne stepped aside for Axe Tiger Cock or something like that. Walking billboards for midlife crises were wearing Affliction shirts with Ed Hardy jeans and populating posh bars as they imbibed Jager-bombs (note: Sake bombs fall in this category too and if you order a sake bomb in a sushi restaurant, I guarantee your sashimi has been deservedly seasoned with ass-crack sweat).
This is the mutated ugly side of men who were not smart enough to understand metrosexual (which is a term I hate as well). And yes, food wasnâ€™t immune to this movement either. You arenâ€™t a real man unless you can eat those fucking ghost-chili hot wings or scotch bonnet poppers filled with Szechuan whatever the hells. Be a man and eat it!
Or at least thatâ€™s what the sticky laminated stained menu tells me and douchebags gotta eat too. As much as I love hot food, I know itâ€™s entering the realm of overly macho men who either eat it hot or eat it big (and sometimes both). Fuck me.
Our love of spicy food is demonstrated in the growing popularity of Thai and Indian cuisines. The general public is beginning to accept flavors more exotic than a Cajun spiced chicken finger. In fact, sriracha is now offered at a lot of restaurants. I assure you it wonâ€™t be long before we slather some kimchi on hot dogs, I have and itâ€™s good.
Like anything that becomes popular, they are dumbed down for a dumb public. So as much as I admire those Trekkie-like hot sauce collectors and the adventurous eater tucking into a Ethiopian goat stew scorching with berbere, I was a little pessimistic when I saw the Fiery Fusion flavors for Doritos and Cheetos. I love hot food and normally when it is in snack form, itâ€™s tepid.
The name was a bit douchebaggy too, Fiery Fusion. It sounds like itâ€™s some kind of new scent. When I hear “fusion” in regards to food, I picture bad Asian cuisine mixed with western elements. Ahi-tuna salad comes to mind. Like flies, these places are inhabited by shaved headed “broâ€™s” in an un-tucked shiny shirt using a pair of chopsticks in one hand and bumping fists with other “broâ€™s” Tapout-style. Good God.
Fusion, however, for Frito-Lay means “Sizzlinâ€™ Cayenne & Cheese.” Both respective packages have “Fiery Fusion” written in red orange to clue you in that it is “sizzlinâ€™” which may be different from sizzling.
Frito Lay has played around with spicy offerings before in regards to both brands. The wasabi dusted Mr. Dragonâ€™s Fire Chips Doritos were a bit flaccid in the heat department but tasty. The progressively hot “Degree Burn” series released by Doritos are another good example. Not one to be eclipsed, Cheetos brought out their FLAMINâ€™ HOT and Cheddar JalapeÃ±o variations. Without a fist bump to spare, I gave in and bought both at the gas station bro.
Doritos Fiery Fusion
Upon opening, an immediate rich smell of peppers emanated from the bag and this was a good sign. The chips had the normal orange look of Doritos without a fleck of red powder. At first crunch, it tastes like a nacho chip crossed with a barbecue potato chip if you can imagine that. Then the comforting vinegar tang hits your senses. The chips had a faint earthy sweetness, almost like brown sugar. While it tasted good, I was ready to chalk up my $1.29 as a casualty because I didnâ€™t sense any heat.
Like sleight of hand, I never saw it coming or in this caseâ€¦taste. A slow burn started to build on my tongue and then it crept to the back of my throat before I even knew it. This was really good. The more I ate, the hotter my mouth became. Surprisingly, the heat also never competed with the flavor unlike so many other spicy chips. I prefer the gradual fire that builds into a storm and would say the effect is similar here.
These chips are the hottest Doritos Iâ€™ve eaten. They taste better and are spicier than the Doritos Flamas that has been selling as of late. And unlike the Flamas, I left no red handprints all over my walls like it was the freaking ending of Blair Witch.
Let me caution you, do not expect a capsaicin-fueled roller coaster or your tongue to IGNITE (as the bag claims it will). Even though these are the spiciest Doritos Iâ€™ve had, it is far from the spiciest food Iâ€™ve ever eaten. I would place the Doritos way above the level of Taco Bellâ€™s Fire sauce but below Tabasco. Still, itâ€™s a welcome punch from a bag of corn tortilla chips. My only complaint is wishing Doritos would turn up the heat a bit more, but thatâ€™s negligible.
Despite my feelings, these Doritos really can back up their claim that these are hot. The burn will linger around for a minute and then itâ€™s gone, like a sip of good angry bourbon. I would buy these again. It satiated my hunger for something spicy and who doesnâ€™t love a Dorito chip now and then? Or a bourbon? Fistbump yo!
Cheetos Fiery Fusion
I waited almost a day to open these, partly because I didnâ€™t want to eat them immediately after the Doritos and not get a clean taste. â€¦Mostly because I spent the rest of the day on a scotch fueled bender celebrating my friendâ€™s birthday. (Extreeeeeme!!!)
So here I am staring at Chester Cheetahâ€™s mug at five in the morning. That creepy ass show about missing people in America is on with a theme song that is as scary as the one from Unsolved Mysteries.
I stared at the bag over the chorus chanting “Missing. These people are missing” (see? I told you it was creepy). I went ahead and opened the bag in a clumsy manner. The smell of corn and fake cheese powder made its presence. I took one out and noticed there were patches of red splotches as if the Cheetos had a rash.
Eating one, it tasted very bland. What the hell? These were really boring. Taking a swig from a can of Sprite that has been lying on the counter since the day before, I went back to bed. I needed to sleep off my impending hangover. Additionally, my mouth felt like I went down on a bag of mulch.
I awoke to the sound of that CBS Sunday Morning opening. Feeling better, I decided to give those Cheetos a second try. Lulled from the trumpet of Wynton Marsalis, I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bag. After eating a few, I confirmed it for myself.
These were so boring and dry. All I could taste was the corny corn puffs and fake-o cheese powder. The heat barely registered but like the Doritos, it would come up from the backside. That is the only similarity between the two.
I would compare the heat to that of a paper cup filled with coffee and too much non-diary creamer that has been sitting in a conference room for a day because the cleaning staff was too lazy to toss it away and now there is a ring on the table, so please clean it. I donâ€™t care if that is a run on sentence, but itâ€™s the best way I can describe the lack of any burn.
Sizzlinâ€™ Cayenne & Cheese hmm? The cheese part is right but these were terrible if you could not tell. I couldnâ€™t taste the cayenne and eating them felt like a mouthful of Styrofoam peanuts. I donâ€™t know if it needed more salt or more cheese. More heat for sure.
Compared to the Doritos, these Cheetos are the lazy brother who sits around all day smoking pot, perpetually borrows money to buy more vinyls, and at the end of the day has accomplished nothing but a big fart. I know Iâ€™m being harsh, but these just plain sucked. I would rather wear a stupid Affliction t-shirt than eat another.
Even though it cost me $1.29, I want my money back. I feel ripped off and now I know why Chester is dancing on the bag. I want to knock his stupid sunglasses off. The bag is pushing “0 grams of trans fat” instead of how these things are so hot it will melt your eyeballs into a soup that you can drink later. This should have been a clue.
Iâ€™m not sure what makes me angrier, the fact that they are so bland or that the heat is neutered. I want my $1.29 back assholes! And in pennies so I can put them in a sock and flail it into Chesterâ€™s face.
(Nutrition Facts – Doritos Fiery Fusion – 1 ounce/12 chips – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein. Cheetos Fiery Fusion – 1 ounce/21 bland pieces – 150 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
Items: Doritos Fiery Fusion and Cheetos Fiery Fusion Prices: $1.29 each (A bargain for the Doritos, an obscene rip off for the Cheetos.) Size: 3 ounces (Doritos Fiery Fusion) Size: 3.25 ounces (Cheetos Fiery Fusion) Purchased at: 7-Eleven (where the bottled water is spicier than these frigginâ€™ Cheetos) Rating: 9 out of 10 (Doritos Fiery Fusion) Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cheetos Fiery Fusion) Pros: In a saturated market of spicy chips, Doritos Fiery Fusion stand out. The Doritos are hot and the flavor alone was delicious, I would eat it even if they werenâ€™t spicy. The heat lingers on both snacks and stays in the back of your throat comfortably. The Cheetos are not as bad as getting scrotum cancer. The Cheetos are also not as bad as a robot led apocalypse. Cons: The Doritos could be a tad hotter. Cheetos are devoid of taste or heat. Fist bumps and sake bombs. The Cheetos have an unpleasant feel in your mouth. Theme song to Unsolved Mysteries. Chester and his sunglasses annoy me. Cunnilingus on mulch.