REVIEW: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb

There was a time when I liked Baked Lay’s and thought it was one of the greatest snacks ever invented, but I no longer have the same feelings. Of course, I enjoyed it in the late 1990s to early 2000s, when I had poor judgement and taste.

How poor?

Let me just say I had Creed’s “Higher” playing in heavy rotation on my Aiwa XP-V320 compact disc player and I wore a lot of jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them.

But I’m glad I tried Baked Lay’s because it made me realize Creed was a shitty band and jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them were never cool.

My love for Baked Lay’s was fleeting, just like Justin Bieber’s girlish voice will be after he passes puberty. I enjoyed it because it was a healthier alternative to regular potato chips. But the more I ate it, the more I realized it was a poor tasting substitute with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. When I finally came to this conclusion, it opened my eyes and made me realize I had no sense of fashion and that Scott Stapp was no Eddie Vedder.

Creed songs were like Baked Lay’s and visa versa. Both of them brought me no pleasure. As uplifting as their lyrics seemed, Creed songs have never made me feel good or made me want to play air guitar. And as healthy as they were, eating Baked Lay’s has never comforted me in a way that a bag of greasy potato chips does or made me want to get every last crumb of it by resting one of the bag’s open corners on my bottom lip and flicking the bag to let gravity bring whatever crumbs remain to my awaiting mouth.

Even when Lay’s introduced their cheddar and sour cream & onion varieties, I thought they were the Baked Lay’s version of Creed’s blander album Weathered. However, while Creed has gotten worse, Baked Lay’s has gotten better thanks to their latest flavor — Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb.

Unlike the cheddar and sour cream & onions versions, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb has a robust flavor that does a good job of hiding the fact that you’re eating a snack with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. The potato crisps (not chips, crisps) have a strong parmesan scent, which made me feel like I was snorting some lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah. However, while eating the crisps, the parmesan was less noticeable and the Tuscan herbs took over the flavor. I’m not sure what “Tuscan herbs” are, but in the ingredients list there’s basil, parsley, rosemary and dehydrated green and red bell peppers. The crisps’ flavor also has a hint of sour cream and a slight spicy kick.

Overall, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb was very tasty and slightly changed my opinion of Baked Lay’s. While its flavor does bring me some pleasure, it hasn’t changed my opinion that original Baked Lay’s sucks.

It sucks Creed hard.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% vitamin E and 2% iron.)

Item: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 8.75 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Robust flavor. Has a slight kick. Better for you than regular potato chips. Pearl Jam. Snorting lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah
Cons: Texture like a dehydrated sponge. Creed. Not as comforting as regular potato chips. Creed. Jeans shorts with strategically placed tears. Creed. What I liked in the late 1990s to early 2000s. Creed. Original Baked Lay’s.

REVIEW: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips

Thyme is an herb that adds flavor to the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips and is loved by people who know how to cook and use cookbooks, which I personally know nothing about, since most of the food I consume comes from either drive-thru windows, is heated up in a microwave or is purchased from under a heating lamp at a convenience store.

Also, the combination of thyme and the Food Network makes for a decent drinking game. Go and get yourself a bottle of tequila, plop yourself in front of the television at nine in the morning and every time a Food Network personality says “thyme” you take a shot of tequila.

For some of you, drinking in the morning may seem weird, so to overcome that uncomfortableness just imagine you’re in an episode of Mad Men. By noon, you’ll be drunk enough that you’ll want to fight your television every time Bobby Flay or Guy Fieri appears on it. By two in the afternoon, you’ll think Paula Deen is frickin’ sexy and rub sticks of butter around your nipples. And by four in the afternoon, you’ll thankfully be passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals.

When I first tried the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I thought they tasted earthy, like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. While I thought they were a bit odd tasting at first, I slowly began to enjoy their herby, sweet onion flavor as I ate more of them and at times I swear the chip’s flavor reminded me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. But with that initial flavor, I can easily understand why someone might not enjoy these chips.

While not everyone will like the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I have to give credit to Lay’s for having the brass potatoes to develop a snack that probably won’t have mass appeal. I’d expect a company like Kettle Foods to come up with a flavor like this, but not a big snack conglomerate like Lay’s. Although, if the Food Network/thyme drinking game turned into the Food Network/thyme bong hit game, the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips may just sell out.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 10% vitamin C and 4% iron.)

Item: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Unusual, but enjoyable herby, sweet onion flavor. At times the chips remind me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Being passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals. Rubbing sticks of butter around your nipples.
Cons: Not everyone will like it. Initial taste was like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. My diet. 4 grams of trans fat in a serving of Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Being drunk enough that you want to fight your television.

REVIEW: Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles Potato Chips

Lay’s has recently introduced a new line of chips, marketing them as “regional flavors.” There are five different regional flavors, and one flavor that’s being introduced nationwide, which is Tangy Carolina BBQ. What’s up with that, Lay’s? Really, you’re going to pick Carolina to be your national representative? And you don’t even specify which Carolina? I would go with South, but only because Stephen Colbert is from South Carolina, and Stephen Colbert can pretty much get anybody to do anything he wants. He has his own treadmill on the International Space Station, for Christ’s sake.

Carolina conundrums aside, here are the five regional flavors:

Northeastern US: Pepper Relish – “Available in New York, Northeast and Mid-Atlantic States”

Midwestern US: Garden Tomato & Basil – “Available in the Heartland, the Mid American and Midwest States”

Northwestern US: Balsamic Sweet Onion – “Available in Alaska, the Pacific Northwest and Northern California”

Southwestern US: Southwest Cheese & Chiles – “Available in Texas, Southern California and the Mountain States”

Southeastern US: Cajun Herb & Spice – “Available in the Carolinas, the Southeast and Central Gulf States, and Florida”

Oh, so the Carolinas get two chip flavors, now? I smell a Carolinan plant in the Lay’s flavor lab. No, wait, I see it now – Stephen Colbert heard about Lay’s regional flavors and placed a quick phone call. Boom! Two Carolina flavors. Somebody needs to keep that man in check.

I have to say, though, all six flavors sound downright delicious. Potentially. I think we’re all aware of how easily chip flavors can go horribly wrong. I’m just thankful they kept the flavors pretty reasonable, instead of flying off the handle with flavors like hamburger, or hot dog. Or pizza. Or, God help us, Garbage Plate.

Unfortunately, I’ll never get to experience most of these flavors. While I find this marketing strategy cute, it does have the negative side effect of limiting Frito-Lay’s markets, and vaguely pissing me off in the process. Also, you could twist the “regional favorites” idea into “stereotypes about what certain people around the country like to eat.” Gulf States, you’re nothing but a Cajun-style blackened catfish to Lay’s.

And I, hailing from the unfortunate state of Arizona, arguably a Mountain State, am nothing but cheese and chiles. I think that loosely translates into “Mexican.” Where’s the Arizona shout out? Texas and SoCal, but not Arizona? I’m offended. C’mon, Lay’s; face it, when you think “southwest”, you think deserts, cacti, and Kokopelli. If that’s not Arizona, or at least, other people’s perception of it, then what is?

But hey, I’ll be honest – Arizona has a large Mexican population, and therefore, a lot of Mexican restaurants, which means lots of cheese, and lots of chiles. I am perfectly okay with this, since Mexican is my favorite kind of food, and you don’t have to look far to find an authentic Mexican food experience, aka the taquería. I can sit smugly in my small, dingy, non-air-conditioned local Mexican joint, confident that most of the rest of the country are chowing down on Chalupas, imagining that they are eating Mexican food. You are not. You fail.

The back of the bag features a recipe for…Southwest Cheese & Chiles Dip. That’s so meta. I’m not sure if this implies that you should dip your Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles into your Southwest Cheese and Chiles Dip, but I have to say, that recipe actually sounds delicious. I might actually make it someday soon. Wait, the bag only contains the ingredients, not the recipe itself. I’m assuming the recipe is “mix everything together,” but now my confidence is shaken, because it says I have to go to Lays.com to see how to do it. So I did that. And I couldn’t find the recipe anywhere. I couldn’t even find a recipe section. I did a website search for it, and again came up empty-handed. “Did you mean sw cheese & chives dip?” NO. NO I DID NOT. If any of you readers out there can actually find the recipe, feel free to post the URL in the comments section. For now, I’m stumped.

So I guess I’ll never get to know if I’m a tool for taking cooking advice from the back of a bag of chips. I suppose that’s for the best. But hey, we’re not here for the dip, we’re here for the chips! Will they embody everything the southwest region stands for, which, apparently, is cheese and chiles?

I have to say, I actually made that semi-surprised “Mmmm!” sound out loud when I popped the first chip in my mouth. Which is even weirder than it sounds when you realize that I’m alone in my apartment with my two cats. Actually, I guess that’s better than someone hearing it, because really, who does that? Me, I guess.

What I’m trying to say here is that, while it’s kind of hard to go wrong with spicy cheese chips, these are some of the better ones I’ve had. The cheese is the exact same flavor as can be found in Lay’s Cheddar and Sour Cream. I’d fall over from shock if you told me that powder didn’t come from the same vat. Or whatever they keep their flavor powders in.

The chiles part of this equation is much milder than I expected it to be. Honestly, there’s almost no heat at all, which you might find disappointing, but then you hit one that gives you a little burst of unmistakeable chile flavor. It’s not just “generic spicy,” it’s chile. I’m going to say poblanos, even though they aren’t listed as an ingredient. The chips are perfectly in line with the mild heat of that pepper, too. Somehow, they made that poblano flavor happen, and, while subtle, it’s delicious.

I have to hand it to Lay’s – all stereotyping aside, I think they did a fine job of capturing the taste of the southwest. Of course, I can only speak for my home state, but they sure nailed the flavor of Arizona. Sure, cheese flavor, anyone can do that. It’s cheese. But when that chile flavor hits, I feel like I’m standing in the parking lot of my local Mexican grocery store, where they have a big 55-gallon-drum grill set up near the entrance, roasting big batches of poblano peppers. Now I sound like I’m writing a commercial for Lay’s. Damn you, Lay’s Southwest Cheese and Chiles!

As a side note, for those of you concerned with things like “health” and “not ingesting so many preservatives that your body embalms itself,” it might interest you to know that all the regional Lay’s are made with “all natural potatoes and seasonings.” Your days of yearning for a chip that isn’t made with Styrofoam potatoes is over. Raise your hands to the gods in thanks.

I may never get a chance to taste all the other regional flavors, but I give Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles a thumbs up both for flavor and accomplishing their marketing goal, which was to capture the flavor of a distinct and unique region of the United States. For those of you living in the other 40.5 states, you can get creative and try to find this flavor on eBay or something, or you could try out your own regional flavor and see how it stacks up. Hopefully, you’ll be as satisfied as I am.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package — 290 calories, 170 calories from fat, 18 grams of total fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 8 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 800 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 2% calcium, 20 % vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Lay’s Southwest Cheese & Chiles Potato Chips

Price: 99 cents

Size: 1 7/8 ounces

Purchased at: Circle K

Rating: 8 out of 10

Pros: Captures the flavors of the region. The smell of roasting poblano peppers. All-natural ingredients. Tastes like chiles, not just “spicy.” Taquerías. Yummy cheddar flavor, even if it was stolen from another Lay’s product.

Cons: May disappoint some in the spicy heat department. The Carolinas get two flavors. Only available in 9.5 states. Mysteriously absent dip recipes. Stephen Colbert eventually ruling the world.

NEWS: Lay’s Latest Snacks Come In New Packages With Colors Usually Seen In Spring Gap Ads

Lay’s recently introduced two new members of their snack family, the Baked! Lay’s Southwestern Ranch Flavored Potato Crisps and the Flat Earth Spicy Salsa Flavored Baked Veggie Crisps.

For a while, I enjoyed Baked! Lay’s — except the original flavor, which I believe tasted like what I imagine making out with a paper doll is like. I ate them because they were healthier than their fried counterparts, which made me feel less guilty when I ate an entire bag in one sitting to help make a Home Improvement marathon on Nick at Nite a little more tolerable. The Southwestern Ranch flavor will come in handy when I want to make a Frasier marathon a little more bearable.

The Baked! Lay’s Southwestern Ranch contains 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 160 milligrams of sodium and 2 grams of dietary fiber. It’s also gluten-free.

I originally learned about Flat Earth veggie crisps from a number of mommy bloggers I follow. Yeah, I follow a few mommy bloggers, but not because I’m the father of their children. These mommy bloggers raved about how great of a snack it was because it was tasty and provided some vegetables. When I tried them, I very much enjoyed them and then quickly purchased whatever else the mommy bloggers suggested, which was a mistake because I now have a breast milk pump.

Damn those mommy bloggers are influential!

If the Spicy Salsa is as good as the other Flat Earth flavors, some hot momma bloggers are probably going to love these.

The Flat Earth Spicy Salsa has 130 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium and 2 grams of dietary fiber.