Category: Ruffles

Purchased Price: $5.39
Size: 7.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheesy. Slight smoky bacon flavor. Sprinkled with bits of green onion. Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles. Great replacement if you can’t find this, this, or buy some frozen bacon and cheese potato skins.
Cons: Crunch feels more cracker-like. Regular Ruffles have a better crunch than these. I highly doubt anyone is purchasing this because it has deeper ridges than previous Ruffles Ultimate. Tastes too similar to previous bacon and cheddar potato skin Ruffles varieties. Potato skin flavor has been overused by Ruffles. Has more food dyes than I’d like when it comes to potato chips.

Nutrition Facts: 1 oz. – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein.

I’ve no idea how it actually works, but I like to imagine that at every major chip company, the marketing and R&D people have a big meeting every six months or so. They BS a little, remind everyone which varieties have been introduced and retired lately, and then the important work begins: brainstorming for the next six months.

This has to have gotten harder over time, which accounts for the increasingly unconventional chip varieties we’ve seen in recent years. And while I’m sure Ruffles isn’t the first company to release a steak-flavored potato chip, they’re probably the first to instill each chip with the MAX amount of steak flavor possible, right?

It’s not hard to follow the train of logic of whomever came up with the idea of steak-flavored chips. Beef and potatoes have a long, proud tradition of pairing together, and while chips usually slum with hamburger while steak paints the town red with a baked potato, you can’t fault them for aiming higher.

The packaging makes it clear this isn’t some cafeteria mystery meat, showing a really good-looking steak cut into strips. It can’t be a shade over medium-rare, which is interesting; I’m surprised they let it appear so bloody. Nonetheless, it looks damn tasty, and the logo promises not just steak flavor, but flame grilled steak flavor. Seriously, they are going to kick your mouth in the balls. Or the lady balls.

Speaking of which, the back of the bag tells you exactly what demographic they’re targeting.  Hint: it does not suggest which wine cooler to pair with these chips. Seriously, there are words about MEAT! and cavemen and “clubbing something” (direct quote) and it’s all very Freudian. The blurb blatantly suggests pairing the chips with Pepsi Max, which… nice try, Ruffles, but I’m pretty sure they still make Coke Zero, so go screw yourself. I also don’t drink PBR when Sam Adams is available, in case you were wondering.

Still, the irony is not lost on me that Pepsi Max is all about having zero calories, whereas steak-flavored potato chips are most likely to be purchased by those who couldn’t give less of a shit how many calories they’re consuming.  I look forward to someday buying a gallon of ice cream with an ad for Gold’s Gym on the back.

When you open the bag, the first thing you’ll notice is the smell. That is also the second, third, and fourth things you’ll notice, because holy cow is it powerful. Opinions vary — I found it strong and mildly off-putting, whereas my wife swore it to be the grim harbinger of a fetid, moldering grave. Either way, it isn’t good. It actually does smell a bit like grilled steak, but very artificially so, like a robot that looks juuust enough like a human to be creepy.

The smell dissipates some over time, but you’ll still notice it, even if you come back after a week’s vacation and reopen the bag. As for the chips themselves, they look like regular Ruffles except a little darker and splotchier. Bizarro Ruffles, if you will.

Taste-wise… boy, it’s hard to describe. They’re unmistakably Ruffles, from the crunch and wildly varying sizes to the ridged texture. They’re as salty as regular Ruffles, though they also have pepper like any good steak, which does enhance the flavor. And darned if they don’t taste a little like steak — within reason, and that’s a key distinction. If you actually thought these were going to taste like someone lopped off a cow’s tuchus and deep fried it, you are going to be disappointed. If you expected a chip with a little smoky flavor, pepper, and something that kind of approximates the juice in a steak despite not having any juice whatsoever, you’re in luck.

Not for nothing, but I anticipate these being a highly divisive product: either you’ll think they’re pretty okay, or you’ll hate them. I fall into the former camp — wouldn’t want to get ’em every week, but as a one-off experiment, I’m glad I tried them. My wife was far less enthusiastic and can’t walk past the pantry without narrowed eyes and involuntary hissing.

If you decide to buy a bag, make sure you have a friend or spouse or roommate to share them with, just in case. And ladies, the back of the package leads me to believe you will need to have a male present to buy a bag, so take that into account. Nothing’s worse than getting busted for illicit purchase of Man Chips.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams/~11 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 320 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugars, 2 grams of protein.)

Other Ruffles MAX Flame Grilled Steak Flavored Potato Chips reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Ruffles MAX Flame Grilled Steak Flavored Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 8.5 oz bag
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hard to go wrong pairing potatoes with meat.  Coke Zero.  Same great Ruffles texture and crunch.  Good pepper distribution.  The smell will not actually make you vomit.
Cons: Smell is crazy strong and mildly to extremely unpleasant.  Pepsi Max.  Exclusionary ad copy.  Chips just look kind of dirty.  Taste isn’t really good enough to put up with the smell for long.

I have a lot of pet peeves and I collect them like weird old Memaws who hoard those cloying Precious Moment figurines. What is with those scary things? They are always displayed on the dusty shelves of the entertainment center or a bannister. And those black empty dewy eyes staring at me (which I know are really portals to Hell)…it gives me the creeps enough to piss me off.

You know what else pisses me off? When I take a chip and dip it into a bowl of creamy French onion and it breaks off. I’m left staring at the other half stuck in a white thick pool like someone in quicksand. And then I take another potato chip hoping to rescue that one and it breaks too. And then I take another one…well, you get the idea.

By the end, there are so many potato shards sticking out of the bowl it looks like an unholy creation of the unhealthiest cereal ever made… and sometimes when no one is looking, inebriated and alone, I’ll take a spoon and eat it. I just need a chip that can withstand the simple act of dipping.

Ruffles Ultimate has provided the solution to that very problem. However, there is a slight catch because these are only for men. For those of you who drink Dr Pepper Ten, you now have something to eat while watching bum fight videos.

Now if a chip specifically made for the male gender sounds very stupid, it is. I’m not really sure what distinguishes these from the asexual kinds except for the vapid “bro-speak” that adorns the bag. The variety I bought is not just Jalapeño Ranch, they are also graced with “kickin'”.

Too cool for the letter “G” and apparently much too cool for women, hermaphrodites and anyone who isn’t man enough to eat these. Besides, sissies, these ain’t just Ruffles…these are Ruffles Ultimate (rolls eyes). I mean these are so manly that Maxim magazine, home of the ubiquitous 100 top hottest whatever lists, threw a party heralding the second coming of Christ in chip form.

If I sound jaded, I am, because it gets worse. Basically, we have potato chips for the Axe fragrance crowd.

There is a nice earthy musk that greets you when you open the bag. The chips are thicker and “tougher” like kettle chips on steroids. The ridges of the chips are comical as they look exaggerated and the grooves are deep, like miniature fjords. In fact, they appear like the way comic strip artists draw a ridged potato chip. The package even says in fake chalk writing, “Hardercore Ridges for Hardcore Dips.”

Hardercore? Yes, Frito-Lay not only introduced us to potato chips for a man but they gave us a new word as well. I can only wait for the inevitably Hardestcore snack that someone will manufacture to top it. Maybe it will be aimed at jacked up he-men with two penises (one for doing it and the other so he can take a leak while doing it because he is 110 percent man, yo! ONE HUNDRED TEN PERCENT!!).

Frito-Lay must think men are idiots because right on the bag is an arrow pointing to a jar of their hardcore dips like Ruffles Ultimate Smokehouse Bacon. “Oh, is that what they mean by dip??? I thought they meant the handicapped kid I picked on because I’m a real macho man!” (Note: If you do pick on people with handicaps, there is a special place in hell for you.)

There is also a Beef N’ Cheddar Ruffles Ultimate dip, and you know that’s definitely for a man because it’s “N”, not the wussy proper spelling “and.” Maybe I should change my name to “J’ff” because only wimps need that dopey “e.” All this aggro speak makes me want to smash stuff and urinate on something to mark my territory.

I mean, do you expect anything less? They have the gall to call these Ruffles the ULTIMATE version. The only ultimate thing these have accomplished is a huge failure. Sure they can withstand the dip. I’m pretty sure you can dip these in ice cream and they won’t break…but the taste is damn awful. The chips immediately have a grassy cucumber flavor which is revolting. I like a Pimm’s cup or a floral gin and cucumber cocktail every so often, but in a chip? It is disgusting.

Even though the oversized flecks of green are supposed to resemble its hardercore ranch, it has a faint ranch taste. The heat of the jalapeño is even more timid and flaccid. Seriously, people who like hot peppers treat jalapeño like candy. Granted, I am one of those people, but even for the ordinary consumer, the pepper should have way more fire. Disliking this chip is an understatement…I loathe it.

Is there anything positive? A few things come to mind. Now the weak heat lingers like a whining baby and the chip is not greasy which is surprising considering the hardercore thickness of these. Logically, these chips will not break on your average onion/ranch/southwestern chipotle cream blackbean bacon dip unless it is made of cement mix.

I must admit that I am getting damned tired of this new trend of food products aimed at men because it’s just dumb. I haven’t tried the other varieties of this Ultimate Hardercore chip, but I will be avoiding these chips like the way I avoid Diane Keaton movies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 10 chips – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars, and 2 grams of protein)

Other Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch reviews:
The French Ghost
Fatguy Food Blog

Item: Ruffles Ultimate Kickin’ Jalapeño Ranch
Price: $4.29
Size: 8.0 ounce bag
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It will stand up to dips and not break. It is not greasy. It will complete your image of a studly man’s man who is secretly insecure. Changing my name to J’ff. The idea of what one can do with two dingalings instead of one.
Cons: Grassy flavor. Flaccid heat. Food products made for men, Geeze give it up already. Bro speak. The only thing Ultimate is the failure these chips are. The word memaw…it’s not endearing, it’s sad. And those damned Precious Moment figurines which are really vessels to the Devil himself.