REVIEW: Jif Natural Peanut Butter

Jif Natural is the lambskin condom of big brand peanut butter because they’re both made from natural ingredients and both feel great on my skin. While lambskin condoms are made from lamb intestines, Jif Natural Peanut Butter consists of just five simple ingredients: roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt and molasses.

Being made from natural ingredients also gives each of these products particular characteristics not found in non-natural versions. Lambskin condoms, while good at preventing baby batter from sticking to the egg in the pan, are not very good at preventing the transmission of STDs because lamb intestine is porous enough to let bacteria and viruses through.

Jif Natural has a consistency that is really easy to spread, like melted regular peanut butter on a fresh piece of toast. Or in German it can be best described as über creamy. Or in formal Japanese it would be known as totemo kurimi. Or in energy drink marketing speak it would be xtremy creamy.

If you’ve ever purchased all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods stores that sells a lot of hemp and soy products, you probably know about the separation of the oil and peanuts after you open the jar, forcing you to stir it to mix the two. This can be a pain in the ass if you’re extremely lazy and don’t like an extra step between opening the jar and shoveling a spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth. Fortunately, there’s no need to stir with the Jif Natural Peanut Butter, so it can go straight into your mouth and then straight to your gut, or if you’re a woman, straight to your hips and thighs, which causes you to consider purchasing the Kymora Body Shaper.

The Jif Natural Peanut Butter may not have a thick layer of oil on top after you open it, but it does have a very a thin layer of palm oil, which gives it a glossy shine. Regular peanut butter tends to have more of a matte finish. The look of Jif Natural Peanut Butter is not the only thing that shines, so does its flavor. I think it has a stronger nutty flavor than regular peanut butter, and I now I don’t feel like using the six pounds of Skippy Peanut Butter I bought from Costco.

While it may be natural, it isn’t necessarily healthier than regular peanut butter because it has the same amounts of saturated fat and sugar. It does, though, have half the sodium than regular Jif peanut butter. Also, natural peanut butter tends to be more expensive than their normal counterparts, but Jif Natural is about the same price as regular peanut butter.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for condoms made from lamb intestines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron, 10% vitamin E, 2% riboflavin and 20% niacin.)

(Note: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it.)

(Update: TIB reader Anna points out that this product is a peanut butter spread and not peanut butter because it contains 10% of non-peanut ingredients, which it clearly states on the bottle. I am blind.)

(Update #2: After having the Jif Natural Peanut Butter around for a while, I found that it has a tendency to clump together, which is frickin’ weird. I’ve knocked the rating down a point because of this.)

Item: Jif Natural Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great nutty flavor. Only five ingredients. No need to stir. Easy to spread. 50% less sodium than regular peanut butter. Same price as regular peanut butter. Feels good on my skin. Condoms.
Cons: Same amounts of saturated fat and sugar as regular peanut butter. Will eventually start clumping. Glossy look may seem weird. Having to stir all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods store. The cost of lambskin condoms. Lambskin condoms don’t prevent the spread of STDs.

REVIEW: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix

Death by Hello Kitty is not how I hope to leave this Earth, but the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix has the power to make it happen with its 2,739 milligrams of sodium per package.

Although that’s not how I imagined Hello Kitty would truly off me.

I figure if Hello Kitty wanted to end me, she would use Hello Kitty chloroform or Hello Kitty roofies to knock me unconscious, restrain me with Hello Kitty handcuffs or Hello Kitty duct tape, keep me silent with a Hello Kitty gag rag, throw me in the back of a Hello Kitty van, drive me to the nearest Sanrio shop, secure my body to a Hello Kitty torture rack, pour water all over me with a Hello Kitty bucket, wake me up via electrocution with Hello Kitty jumper cables connected to a Hello Kitty car battery, break my nose with the butt of a Hello Kitty M-16 assault rifle, place several connected sticks of Hello Kitty dynamite around my body with a long fuse, light the fuse with a Hello Kitty blowtorch, say to me “Goodbye, Kitty,” walk away and I blow up moments later.

The Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix (or furikake for those of you who like to keep it real) is made up of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed, strips of dried seaweed, rice crackers, bonito powder, monosodium glutamate and a shitload of salt and cuteness, both of which can cause high blood pressure.

When I first received the product, I expected it to contain nothing but kawaii Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of seaweed, but it came with all of the not-so-cute ingredients and only 5-7 Hello Kitty-shaped seaweed in each of the three packets. The amount is enough to satisfy a casual Hello Kitty fan, but not enough for a Hello Kitty maniac who would probably use the pieces to create an extravagant stop motion video and post it on YouTube to prove that she is THE Ultimate Hello Kitty Fan.

Each packet has enough to sprinkle over 3-4 bowls of rice or, if you’re feeling lucky, one-soon-to-be-very-salty bowl of rice. The product was much like other rice seasoning mixes I’ve had. It had a fishy and salty taste, although it was significantly saltier than others, but I guess it should be since salt is the first item listed in the ingredients list. I’m surprised that my blood pressure didn’t rise by just having it in my apartment. The rice crackers added a little crunch, but didn’t add to the taste since the salt and MSG overwhelmed everything, like the smell of a stripper after receiving a lap dance. Even with its disappointing taste, I can see Hello Kitty fanatics buying this to make their bowls of rice more adorable.

Besides increasing blood pressure, the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix proves that the people who own the license to Hello Kitty have no shame and love the money from licensing Hello Kitty to any company who is willing to dish it out. If Hello Kitty wanted to, she could probably get rid of those greedy bastard by using the second cutest way to die, which is Sailor Moon hair strangulation.

(Nutrition Facts – 16.5 gram package – 36 calories, less than 1 gram of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 2739 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix
Price: FREE
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Received from sister
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Dried seaweed shaped like Hello Kitty. Rice crackers add crunch. It’s from Japan.
Cons: Extremely high in sodium. Contains MSG. Not a lot of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed. No pink. Sailor Moon hair strangulation. Death by Hello Kitty. The whoring of Hello Kitty.

REVIEW: Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil

By itself, the smell and taste of mayonnaise is kind of disgusting, but when placed in between two slices of bread with cold cuts, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes or mixed with potatoes, spices, hard-boiled eggs, and mustard, it tastes pretty good. This Jekyll and Hyde condiment also has a reputation for being a bitch when it comes to healthiness, turning normal healthy sandwiches into tasty pockets for saturated fat. It’s hard to believe something so innocently, virgin off-white, could be a sinfully, slutty evil.

Mayonnaise makers have tried their best to create slightly more wholesome versions of this spreadable cream, but their attempts have pretty much ended up with bland tasting paste that would be better off being used for a mayonnaise bikini than for a sandwich or salad. Enter the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Nutritionists have told us for years that olive oil is one healthy mofo, providing healthier fats that contain one too many prefixes, like polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. The folks at Best Foods have shoehorned Bertolli’s Extra Virgin Olive Oil into their mayonnaise to go along with the usual soybean oil, eggs, and vinegar. Those ingredients will emulsify into a mayonnaise that has three times less saturated fat and almost half the calories of regular Best Foods Mayonnaise. However, it also has one-third more sodium than the original, but overall it’s healthier thanks to the multi-prefixed fats mentioned earlier.

Messing with a sandwich staple seems sacrilegious, because if you change one thing, it seems to change everything else. The Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil smells like regular mayonnaise, but I have to say its flavor kind of threw off my taste buds after I spooned some in my mouth. The olive oil doesn’t overpower it, but there’s just enough to know that there is some in it and there was also a very slight bitter aftertaste to it. After getting the taste of mayonnaise out of my mouth, I realized that most sane people wouldn’t eat mayonnaise with a spoon and I needed to try it in a real world situation, so I slathered a generous glob of it in a turkey sandwich.

With olive oil mayonnaise oozing from under the bread, I consumed the sandwich and determined that it had sort of a muted mayonnaise taste with a hint of olive oil. If you’re trying to eat healthier, it’s indubitably a much better option than any light mayonnaise, but it definitely wasn’t as good as the regular version, making the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil a lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tbsp – 50 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, less than 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 1 mayonnaise bikini.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Alexander for recommending this product and making me his lab rat.)

Item: Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Price: $6.19
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil. Much better tasting than light mayonnaise. Lower in fat than regular mayonnaise. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Creamy. Like most mayonnaise, it makes a good mayonnaise bikini.
Cons: Muted mayonnaise taste. Hint of olive oil may turn people off. Higher in sodium than regular mayonnaise. Slight bitter aftertaste to it. I paid six dollars for a jar of it. Eating mayonnaise with a spoon straight from the bottle.

REVIEW: Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter

Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter

I don’t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.

Every time I buy one, I know it’s not going to taste good and I’m going to write a crappy review about it.

I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.

Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because I’m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, “There can’t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.”

Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.

Well I guess I’ll keep buying them and I’ll keep getting burned.

It’s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.

You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didn’t have to eat the low-carb crap that’s available today.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.

Anyway, the newest way I’ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.

It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. It’s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butter…

Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butter… Um, it really doesn’t.

So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.

Less peanuts? That explains the taste.

According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, “What the hell makes up the other 35 percent?”

Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isn’t Splenda.

(Reading label)

Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.

Dammit, Splenda! Why can’t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way you’d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, “I Love the 2000s” where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.

So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?

We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.

Only two less grams of carbs?

So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.

Damn you, Dr. Atkins!

DAMN YOU!

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!

Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.

REVIEW: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers

Mrs. Butterworth's Little Dunkers

Oh Mrs. Butterworth, you’re such a genius.

You’ve created the PERFECT way to drink syrup.

With your Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers, I can drink your original syrup whenever, wherever, and with whoever I want.

Say! I like Little Drinkers, you know. I like them, me the Marvo. I will drink them in the snow. I will drink them with the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. I will drink them on New Year’s Eve 2004. I will drink them with a French whore. I will drink them while I shave. I will drink them on Dr. Atkins’ grave. I do so like Little Drinkers, you know! Thank you! Thank you, me the Marvo!

So no more carrying around a syrup bottle and women asking me, “Is that a syrup bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Um…It’s a syrup bottle. You aren’t THAT pretty.

Another problem I had with carrying around a whole bottle was that it’s hard to keep track of how much syrup I drank. Take one swig, then take another, and before you know it, I’ve consumed half the bottle and I’m bouncing off the walls like Andy Dick on cocaine.

With these Little Drinkers, I can have controlled two-ounce doses of syrup. It’s like taking a shot of syrup.

Quarters anyone?

Also, with these Little Drinkers, it’s easier to get every last drop of syrup. All I have to do is just lick the cup. With a bottle it’s hard to lick anything, unless you enjoy getting your tongue stuck in the bottle.

Oh, crap! I just looked at the packaging again.

It’s Little Dunkers.

All this time I thought it was Little Drinkers.

Holy crap! I guess I really have been consuming waaay too much High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Item: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Dunkers
Purchase Price: $2.50 (Six-Pack)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Convenient. Easier to drink and to dunk. Easier than a bottle to carry.
Cons: You pay for portability. I need to cut back on the High Fructose Corn Syrup.