REVIEW: Full Throttle

Full Throttle

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review request come from Impulsive Buy stalker, akiko. She called me to find out if the Impulsive Buy could review the new Full Throttle energy drink. I said sure. Then I asked her, how she got my phone number and she said, “I’m a stalker, it’s what I do.” Enjoy.)

Today at the Impulsive Buy, we are going to tell you the steps to make your own energy drink.

Step One: You need a name for it. Something that signifies power and energy, like the names Red Bull, Monster, and Adrenaline do for their respective energy drinks. Maybe something like “Kick Ass,” “Aggro,” or “Steroids in a Can.”

Also, avoid names that sound like they would make a good name for a cologne.

Step Two: Sell it in a can that is smaller than normal or larger than normal. Most sodas come in a 12-ounce can, but energy drinks come in either a slightly larger 16-ounce can or a slightly smaller 8.4-ounce can. Preferably, sell it in an 8.4-ounce can and charge the same amount as your competitors’ 16-ounce can. If Red Bull can do that, why can’t you.

Also, the can should be predominantly black, because black is the new black.

Step Three: Put a cool graphic on your can. Preferably something that would look good as a tattoo. Hopefully, someone would be stupid enough, or drunk/high enough, to actually get a tattoo of your cool graphic. This way you’ll get free advertising from them for life, or until they decide to get rid of it via laser removal.

Step Four: The energy drink must have items you’ll find in a Chinese herb shop, like guarana and ginseng. Do not add items from Jamaican herb shop.

Step Five: Say, “Screw you, Dr. Atkins!” and add lots of carbohydrates and sugar.

Step Six: Make sure your energy drink is greenish, because almost every energy drink comes in some shade of green. No one knows why it’s like this, but I believe it has something to do with the Incredible Hulk.

Step Seven: Add as much caffeine as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will legally allow you. Enough to keep a college student awake while cramming for an exam, but not enough to make you as anxious as a crack whore.

Hopefully, if you follow these seven steps, you’ll end up with an energy drink that will be drowned out by the dozens of other energy drinks out in the market today.

This was the case with the Full Throttle energy drink, which was created by the same folks who’ve given us such great products as Coke, Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke, and other sodas with the word “Coke” in it.

If it weren’t for the Full Throttle advertising sticker on one of the doors of the convenience store’s refrigerated case, I wouldn’t have noticed them in between all the other energy drinks with their predominantly black cans and graphics that would make good tattoos.

After trying Full Throttle, I have to say there’s hardly any taste difference between it and any of the other energy drinks I’ve tasted. They all basically have almost the same citrus flavor.

Well, at least it came in a larger than normal can, instead of a smaller than normal can.


Item: Full Throttle
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Vitamin B6. Larger than normal can. Caffeine. Graphic on can would make an awesome tattoo, minus the “Energy Drink” part.
Cons: Typical energy drink. Tastes very similar to other energy drinks.

Fuze Mega Energy Drink

Fuze Mega Energy Drink

(Editor’s Note: I recently upgraded to WordPress 1.5 and things are probably not looking right. If things are looking really weird, try emptying your browsers cache. I’m trying to get my old theme back, but then again the site could use a new look. Plus, I don’t think my RSS feeds are working.)

Energy drinks are like cookie-cutter boy bands, they all look alike, none of them stand out, there are, annoyingly, waaay too many of them, and it would be nice if 90 percent of them didn’t exist.

The Impulsive Buy has reviewed several energy drinks over the past seven months, like this one, this one, this one, and this one. All of them were greenish in color, almost tasted the same, and had some aggro name like “Adrenaline,” “Pit Bull,” “Rockstar,” or “Monster.” They also all contained the same energy inducing ingredients of caffeine, ginseng, inositol, taurine, carnitine, Ovaltine, and other things that end with “-tine.”

The Fuze Mega Energy Drink doesn’t deviate from any of that. It’s just like any other energy drink you’ve had.

Well folks, with the review part out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this month’s prize drawing. Unfortunately, this time the prize won’t even be close to being as kick ass as last month’s 100th review prize. (If you want to know what the prize was for the 100th review prize drawing, click here.)

We thought about giving away the 50 Gmail invitations we recently received from Google, but most of you probably already have a Gmail account and also have 50 Gmail invitations that you’re trying to get rid of. So it would be pretty lame if we gave away Gmail invitations. (But if you don’t have a Gmail account, just email us and we’ll send an invitation your way.)

So this month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving three lucky readers each a pack of Denytne Fire, which we reviewed yesterday.

But that’s not all…

Those three winners will also each receive a pack of Dentyne Ice.

Why are we including a pack of Dentyne Ice, which we have never and will never review?

Fire and ice just go together, baby! You can’t have the Ying without the Yang, Ernie without Bert, or Mary Kate without Ashley.

Shazaam!!!

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we don’t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Fire Ice” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on February 16, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on February 19, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States and Canada. Sorry, to the rest of the world.

Entries will be stuffed into a Hefty HandySak and when it’s time to pull winner we will shake it like it was a Polaroid picture or Beyonce’s luscious ass. After an adequate amount of shaking, the winning entries will be pulled.

For those of you who’ve never won anything before, here’s your chance to finally to win something. If the Boston Red Sox can win a World Series, there’s hope for you, as well.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting a free Mac Mini. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for a Citi Bank credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.


Item: Fuze Mega Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Big can. Caffeine. Vitamins C, B6, and B12. I can now get 5 cents back for recycling the can.
Cons: Tastes and looks like all the other energy drinks. Blah, blah, blah.

Pit Bull Energy Drink

Pit Bull Energy Drink

Why did YOU give me a two-star rating on Blog Explosion for?

Did I upset or offend YOU?

Are YOU upset that I gave a two rating for both Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas and Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? Are YOU offended by my one rating for the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie?

Or are YOU upset that the only “people” who leave comments on your blog are your imaginary friends, “Mr. Squeekers” and “Brad Pitt.”

What did I do?

Did I not make YOU laugh? Are my reviews not detailed enough for YOU? Do YOU hate the color orange? Do YOU work for Consumer Reports? Do YOU think I’m a comment whore? Are YOU offended by my use of the word “whore?”

Oh, sorry folks. I just drank a can of Pit Bull Energy Drink, which claims to be “attitude in a can.” I’ve only had it in my system for a few minutes, but so far I think that claim might be true. Or it could be the caffeine, sugar, taurine, and inositol combination in the Pit Bull Energy Drink that’s doing the talking.

Now back to the attitude.

I wouldn’t be like this if YOU gave me a five- or a six-star rating, but YOU gave me a two-star rating. The only blogs that deserve a two- star rating are those that promote hatred towards puppies, talk about how Microsoft Windows 98 is the greatest operating system ever, and those that only post their results for Quizilla quizzes every single day.

What did I do to deserve this?

It’s like YOU think my blog will cause the downfall of America’s youth or it promotes smoking.

I went to your blog, and just like this Pit Bull Energy Drink, I have to say there’s nothing special about it. At least the Pit Bull Energy Drink has a nice lemon-lime ginger ale taste to it. Your blog doesn’t have anything like that to give it a nice sweet and tart taste.

Man…

Now that I got most of the attitude from the Pit Bull Energy Drink out of me, I have to say that I really don’t care if YOU gave me a two-star rating. It’s your opinion and I’ll respect it.

I guess I can’t please everyone.


Item: Pit Bull Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice lemon-lime ginger ale taste. Better than a certain blog. Caffeine.
Cons: Nothing separates it from other energy drinks. The name kind of rips off Red Bull. Perhaps too much attitude.

Rockstar Energy Drink

Rockstar Energy Drink

“Party like a rockstar,” is the slogan of the Rockstar Energy Drink and that’s exactly what I tried to do last night at the 50th review party.

Prior to the party, I watched the Guns N’ Roses and Def Leppard VH1 Behind the Music specials. I did this so I could find out how rock stars party. Unfortunately, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have access to cocaine, large amounts of alcohol, groupies, or big hair.

Nonetheless, we had one crazy 50th review party last night.

Between you and me, it was so crazy that I’m glad no one took pictures. I don’t want scandalous pictures floating around, just in case I plan to run for public office.

I’m also glad we found a use for that pole in the middle of The Impulsive Buy laboratory. Okay it wasn’t US who found a good use, it was a busty Asian girl that my friend hired named Candy. Let me tell you, she was very flexible.

It was a long night and I’m glad I tanked that Rockstar Energy Drink, or else I wouldn’t have made it through the evening and I wouldn’t have had enough energy to write this review.

Okay. Okay. None of that happened. There was no party. There was no alcohol. There was no busty Asian girl named Candy. I just wanted to make it seem like the life of a quasi-review blog editor was exciting, like the editors of other blogs (Like this one and this one).

Instead my night was spent watching The Daily Show on Comedy Central and MXC on Spike TV. Then I wrote this review and went to sleep.

Although, I really did drink a Rockstar Energy Drink and I have to say, all of these energy drinks pretty much have the same sweet and tart taste. I guess they come so close because they’ve got almost the same stuff: Taurine, guarana, inositol, and other things that I have trouble pronouncing.

Another thing that bothered me about Rockstar Energy Drink is that there’s something communist-looking about the can. It looks like a Russian graphic designer designed it during the Cold War.

Maybe it’s just me.

Or maybe it’s not just me. On the side of the can, there’s an American flag with the words “American Made” under it. If the can wasn’t communist-looking, would it have that American flag? I don’t think so.

Item: Rockstar Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Lots of caffeine (75 milligrams). Big ass 16 ounce can. American made. USA! USA! USA!
Cons: Tastes much like other energy drinks. Communist-looking can. No busty Asian girl named Candy.

Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

I’m trying to imagine what my college life would have been like without Jolt Cola and it’s nearly illegal amounts of caffeine. I probably would have ended up with straight F’s instead of straight C’s.

Without the sleep prevention properties of the caffeine, sugar, and carbs in Jolt Cola, I wouldn’t have made it through those all-night studying sessions and all the times I needed write a 20-page essay the morning it was due.

I liked Jolt Cola so much that I made it the topic of a speech I had to do in my Speech 251 class. Actually, I picked it as a topic because I couldn’t think of a topic the night before I had to give the speech.

Right now I wish I had some Jolt Cola, so I can get the energy to finish this review, but the national convenience store chain down the street doesn’t carry it. Instead, I’m stuck with this Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink. It was the only energy drink available at the convenience store. Everything else was sold out, including all the Mountain Dew.

I guess it must be midterm time for the college kids in the neighborhood.

After drinking it and reading the can, it turns out that Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink not only has almost no carbs, it also has almost no sugar, which I have learned are the two building blocks of forced sleep deprivation. Fortunately, it contained the third building block, caffeine. However, I don’t know if it’s effective without mixing it with significant amounts of carbs and sugar.

Damn, I’m tired.

Maybe it just takes awhile to kick in.

Maybe I should’ve consumed it intravenously.

Oh, I wonder if there’s anything in The Impulsive Buy refrigerator I could drink to keep me up.

Hmm…

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? Let’s see, no caffeine, two grams of carbs, one gram of sugar, and it’s fricken’ pink.

Yeah, right.

The only way Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus is going to keep me awake is if I contantly hit myself in the head with the bottle.

Hey look! I actually finished the review. Looks like it worked after all.


Item: Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Big can. Decent tasting.
Cons: Not enough carbs and sugar. I miss Jolt Cola.

Sobe Adrenaline Rush

Sobe Adrenaline Rush

Must finish review. Must not have two straight days without a review. I’m sooo tired.

Need caffeine. Where’s Jolt Cola when you need it?

Must settle for the 79 milligrams of caffeine in the Sobe Adrenaline Rush.

What the hell is Taurine, D-Ribose, L-Carnitine, Inositol, Guarana, and Panax Ginseng?

Must Google funny names. Must not fall asleep.

Taurine is an amino acid. D-Ribose is a simple sugar that begins the metabolic process. L-Carnitine is another amino acid. Inositol helps emulsify fats. Guarana is nut-like seed. Panax Ginseng is a dietary supplement.

What good is all that stuff if it doesn’t keep me up to finish this damn review.

Come on caffeine, kick in.

Must finish review. Must not fall asleep.

At least the Sobe Adrenaline Rush tastes pretty good, but it ain’t keeping me up.

Not even the 37 grams of carbs and 35 grams of sugar have kicked in.

I blame the damn Mountain Dew chuging contest. Who would’ve thought drinking an entire 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew in 1 minute and 56 seconds and staying up for 30 straight hours would affect me this much?

Damn, I sure could use another 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew, because this Sobe stuff ain’t cutting it.

Maybe I’m immune to caffeine.

Eh, I’ll make this review short. Sobe Adrenaline Rush. Tastes good. Made out of a few things I don’t know how to pronounce. 100% RDA of Vitamin C. Lots of sugar. Lots of carbs. Lots of caffeine. Blah, blah, blah.

Done.

Now I can go to sleep.


Item: Sobe Adrenaline Rush
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good. Lots of sugar, carbs, caffeine, and things I don’t know how to pronounce.
Cons: I am immune to caffeine. Can is small.