REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist

New Yorkers are passionate people when it comes to food and no matter where you’re from you can agree that New York has some of the best food around, especially pizza and bagels.

Although, if you’re from Chicago, you’ll probably disagree on the pizza thing.

New Yorkers claim it’s the water that makes a NY bagel better. I don’t know if this is true, but as a Phillies fan and New England native, I’m generally skeptical of anything a New Yorker says, even if a tasty bagel with schmear is involved. To compare a mass-produced bagel to a freshly baked one from a family-owned bagel shop is like comparing Ellio’s to anything else that isn’t Ellio’s. The thing is, I like cheap frozen pizza and I like bagels that aren’t made with New York City water, but a twisted bagel from Dunkin’ Donuts? Now that’s getting crazy.

It’s odd, but the shape of things really can change the taste of food. The kids on Jamie Oliver’s new show know that dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets are way better than nugget shaped nuggets. But what about a bagel that’s braided like the Swiss Miss chick’s hair? The bagel, or as I dubbed it, twistle, is a really good size for a substantial snack, but there’s one thing missing — cream cheese. I thought they were going to go the Bagel-fuls route and inseminate it with cream cheese, but no. I wasn’t even offered cream cheese upon purchasing a bagel twist. They’re marketing these things as an “on-the-go” alternative to traditional round bagels, but I don’t see how “on-the-go” it really is when you have to use two hands to eat it and pull it from your mouth like some pit bull with a rubber chew toy, or a shark with a human leg.

What the hell is an on-the-go snack anyway? I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I saw a guy tackling a Five Dollar Foot-Long on the train the other day and not one meatball landed on his Dockers. Good thing I wasn’t on a NYC train, because it would be a different kind of Five Dollar Foot-Long that Mr. Dockers would be tackling on his commute home.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist is pretty greasy; you can just smell the grease and cheddar cheese. Despite needing a few napkins to hold it while gnawing to suck up the grease, it’s actually a good thing that it’s sort of on the slick side, because if it didn’t have some moisture it would’ve been extremely dry, making it hard for me to talk. If I can’t talk, how am I going to strike up a conversation with Mr. Dockers and his Five Dollar Foot-Long?

Also, the calories in this thing are outrageous for a bagel sans cream cheese. 400 calories!?! If I knew it was 400 calories, I would’ve just said fuck it and clogged my arteries with a KFC Double Down.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Bagel Twists come in a variety of flavors (I’ve only seen Cinnamon Raisin and Cheddar Cheese so far), but I’m probably not going to try all of them, because I’m tired of their mediocre products. Dunkin’ Donuts really needs to step up their game. Hey! I have a suggestion. How about Dunkin’ Donuts make their DONUTS better before they start messing with pizza, flatbread sandwiches and reshaping bagels?

Oh, and while they’re at it, how about they bring back the Dunkin’ Donut (if you are unaware of the Dunkin’ Donut, it was a plain donut with a little “handle” to help dunk it in your coffee).

I mean, seriously, how can they get rid of a product that has the same name as the company?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bagel Twist – 400 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 Bagel Twist
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice cheddar cheese flavor. Larger than a circular bagel. Being amused by what people eat while taking public transportation. The original Dunkin’ Donut with cute little handle. Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
Cons: High in calories for a quick snack. Pretty boring without cream cheese. Dunkin’ Donuts eliminating the Dunkin’ Donut. What chicken nuggets are really made of.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta

We are smack dab in the dog days of summer.

I always wanted to know why they called them that. Maybe it’s because when it’s almost 100 degrees and the humidity is thicker than a Shamrock Shake (and sometimes the same color if you’re in an urban area) humans tend to stick out their tongues like canines (or 30-year-old virgins watching Megan Fox do anything) to alleviate excess heat from their bodies. I actually don’t know if this is true, because I’ve never seen anyone who is considered mentally stable do it in public. However, in the privacy of their home it might be different.

If you do pant like a dog, perhaps you might want to try the new Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta flavor to help bring your body temperature to a level that doesn’t require an ice bath or a cold water wet t-shirt contest. Sadly, to TIB readers not from the East Coast, these flavors are unavailable since Dunkin’ always stays true to their roots and test markets new products in their backyard, but even though these flavors are allegedly available where I’m from, they are harder to find than Painite.

I went to five DD’s (you would think that’s a lot, but not when they’re on every single damn street) to try and find this slushy beverage. The first three sold out, and the fourth didn’t get their shipment of, I guess, the sugary syrup. When I reached the last Dunkin’ Donuts, I was very parched, and when I asked if they had the new flavors, I almost thought I was suffering from the heat which was melting my brain when the Dunkin’ Donuts employee said through a muffled speaker, “Yes, (mumble) we (mumble) Grape Coolatta.”

I finally had my frozen concoction in my possession. The color was a nice deep purple, which looked bold in DD’s clear cups. Then the moment had arrived, the moment that I was waiting for. I sucked on that straw, it hit my lips, then my taste buds….and it tasted just like a grape ice pop.

Not a total let down, not a total shocker, but there was some disappointment. I will sound like someone’s 80-year-old grandmother who used to chew on melted tar, because they couldn’t afford Big Red, when I say this, but you can purchase a huge bag of those double popsicles (or Siamese Ice Pops for you politically incorrect people) for the price of one medium or large Grape Coolatta.

Oh, it’s not the consistency you want? Take them off of the stick and dump the ice pops in the blender. Bingo. Grape Coolatta.

As a fan of the other Coolattas (Coffee, the newly resurrected Vanilla Bean and the Tropicana Orange), I’m confused why they picked grape to be a new flavor. If they were going with the ice pop motif, you would want to go with the most popular flavor — cherry.

Grape ice pops are good, but they’ve always been the last picked in my freezer and when we would get Fla-Vor-Ice at school on hot days. Maybe Dunkin’ felt bad about this. Every dog has his day, even if it’s one that’s hot as an aging biker chick with a lower back tattoo. Wait, that isn’t hot at all. Actually, that’s kind of gross.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 58 grams of sugar.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Grape Coolatta
Price: $2.99 (price may vary depending on location)
Size: 16 ounces (small)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cools you off on a hot day. Double ice pops. Dunkin’ Donuts around every corner in my area. Stays cold for a long time. Vanilla Bean is back.
Cons: Too expensive for what it actually is. Tastes like plain old grape ice pops. Old people saying the phrase “When I was a kid.” Only available for a limited time in a limited area. No Cherry Coolatta. Every calorie coming from sugar. Aging biker chicks with lower back tattoos.

NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces a Waffle Breakfast Sandwich That Makes Me Weep

There used to be two Dunkin’ Donuts within close driving distance from my apartment about 2-3 years ago, but both are now gone. One was knocked down to make way for a Safeway and the other was in a horrible location, which caused it to close and it is now occupied by a Chinese seafood restaurant. If they were still around, I would be able to taste the new Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Instead, I’m forced to only dream about its cherrywood smoked bacon, scrambled eggs and American cheese in between two maple-infused waffles. Actually, because I can never taste that goodness, I wouldn’t be dreaming. I would be having a nightmare, which would force me to try to Frankenstein it by build one using Eggo waffles, Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, Egg Beaters, generic pancake syrup and Velveeta slices.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich contains 390 calories, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein. It will be available through March 17 in states that have a Dunkin’ Donuts at a suggested retail price of $2.99.