REVIEW: McDonald’s Dollar Menu

McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald’s 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald’s product for today. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald’s food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you’re smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are: A double cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, small fries, small drink, hot fudge sundae, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, two apple pies, and a side salad.

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can’t be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn’t Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee’s Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald’s, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, “Balls to the wall.”

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald’s bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would’ve been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. “Help I’ve eaten three times the amount of McDonald’s food in one sitting than I should and I can’t get up because of my fat ass.”

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn’t sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could’ve been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren’t for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It’s sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It’s been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it’s like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won’t try to eat the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food…for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee’s here, whichever comes first.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, McDonald’s!!!

Item: McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheap eats, if bought individually. I’m still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
Cons: Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit ‘n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn’t finish it all. Experienced what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Selects

McDonald's Chicken Selects

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?

Oh!

So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

REVIEW: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich

Bacon Ranch Sandwich

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.