In my parents’ attempts to slim me down so that they wouldn’t need to order husky children’s clothing from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, they fed me Raisin Bran. While other kids my age were chomping down on sugary cereals with names they would use in the future to order drugs, like Trix and Lucky Charms, I was consuming bran flakes that got soggy as soon as it was exposed to moisture with raisin that had a weird white coating.
My parents were never able to order regular sized clothing for me, thanks to the sodas and Otter Pops I consumed at my friend’s house down the street, but if the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra was introduced back then, I might’ve not been on the borderline of child obesity. This new cereal not only contains the obligatory crunchy bran flakes and plump raisins, it’s also made up of yogurt clusters, sweet cranberries, and almond slices. It’s like a hippie natural foods store in a box. A cup of it has 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 140 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.
If you have children, whatever you do, DO NOT buy them the High School Musical Cereal. Some of you might be thinking I don’t like this packaged Kellogg’s and Disney collaboration because it promotes the third movie in the High School Musical trilogy, which by the way makes me cringe more than Star Wars prequel trilogy, but people should avoid this cereal because it just isn’t any good. If this cereal actually jiggled my jollies, I’d be breaking out into an unnecessary song and dance number while eating it. Fortunately for my overworked jazz hands, the cereal just flat out sucks, which boggles my mind since the recipe for a good sugary cereal is simple: pick shapes, pick colors, and add a fucking lot of sugar (marshmallow are optional). It’s like the person who developed this bland cereal forgot the very important step of putting a shitload of sugar in it, which is the equivalent of taking a piss without doing the necessary step of pulling down your pants or lifting up your skirt. The orangy and red star-shaped cereal pieces even have white specks all over them, which I thought was sugar, but didn’t make it sugary, so I’ll just assume the cereal has dry scalp and a bad case of dandruff. Shouldn’t the cereal that promotes a sugary sweet Disney movie be just as annoyingly sweet? Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I did ask for a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and eventually one was posted, so why can’t I get a cereal with enough sugar to help me keep up with retiree mall walkers in the morning?
Buying this cereal is not only a bad idea because eating it feels like there’s a boring discussion of 18th century European economics going on in your mouth, it’s also a possible gateway item for much worse things your kid would want you to purchase. If you give into this, then they’ll next be asking for the High School Musical 3 soundtrack; then a DVD of the movie when it comes out four months later; and then they’ll be asking you to record the previous High School Musical movies playing on the Disney Channel on your TiVo, forcing you to delete the episodes of Heroes you haven’t gotten to yet because you’re too busy accommodating every whim from your demanding Disney-loving child, who ironically was conceived in a room at a Disney World Resort during some kinky Mickey and Minnie Mouse role playing. Before you know it, your kid is screaming at you because you ruined their sweet sixteen party that you allowed to be recorded for a reality show, because you bought them a Mercedes-Benz instead of a teal flying unicorn that does their homework and poops ancient Aztec gold, making you look like the worst parent in the world.
Although you could buy this for your child, they say “thank you,” and follow that up with a warm hug that melts your heart and makes you feel like the greatest parent in the world.
If you do decide to buy the cereal, let me know how that game of Russian Roulette goes.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, 2 future shitty pop singers, and 1 future College Musical trilogy.)
Item: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal Price: $2.49 Size: 9 ounces Purchased at: Star Market Rating: 3 out of 10 Pros: Crunchy. No singing coming out from the box. Vitamins and minerals. Asking for a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and getting it. Being the greatest parent in the world. Cons: Bland. Box is kind of small compared with other sugary cereals. Not as sugary sweet as a High School Musical movie. White specks don’t seem to add anything to cereal. My overworked jazz hands. Being the worst parent in the world. Having to erase stuff on your TiVo you haven’t gotten around to watching yet.
If you want your kid to succeed, because you weren’t athletic, talented, pretty, or smart enough to be successful when you were growing up, then Frosted Flakes Gold cereal just might be what your kids need to give you the opportunity to live vicariously through them. According to the box, the crunchy flakes made with whole grain and baked with honey is supposed to provide long-lasting energy, a label usually reserved for energy drinks and wang medications.
With a name like Frosted Flakes Gold, I was hoping that there would be gold in the box, like the gold flakes in Goldschlager or the golden light that shines out of Selma Hayek’s va-jay-jay. Despite my extensive digging, I couldn’t find any gold, not even with the help of Heather Mills. The only thing shiny about the cereal was the box it came in, which had a foil exterior.
Frosted Flakes Gold cereal smelled like Golden Grahams cereal and it tasted like store-brand lite pancake syrup, which actually isn’t bad compared with this cereal’s predecessor, the shitastic Kellogg’s Tiger Power. After eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes Gold cereal every morning for a week, I have to say that I didn’t feel like it was giving me long-lasting energy. If the high fructose corn syrup it in was replaced with caffeine or meth, it would probably give me two to three hours of lasting energy, followed by some downtime or my mouth wrapped around things it shouldn’t be wrapped around.
I’m not a parent, but what I’ve learned from watching “I Know My Kid’s A Star” is that children don’t need special whole grain cereals that’s promoted by a cartoon tiger in order to be successful. All they need are parents who are crazy enough to stab someone in the back for their child, demanding enough to cause their children to turn to alcohol before they can drive, and shameless enough to have their child be a part of a reality show on VH1 with Danny Bonaduce.
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a whole lot of vitamins and nutrients.)
Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Gold Price: $6.59 (16.9-ounces) Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Fancy shiny box. Decent tasting. Tastes like lite pancake syrup. Smells like Golden Grahams. 3 grams of fiber per serving. Better than Tiger Power cereal. Selma Hayek’s va-jay-jay. Cons: High Fructose Corn Syrup. Doesn’t seem to give me long-lasting energy. The parents on “I Know My Kid’s A Star.” Couldn’t find gold with Heather Mills’ help. Wrapping my mouth around things it shouldnâ€™t be wrapped around.
If all it takes to achieve bliss is to eat the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bar, then I’m staying home and eating nothing but these natural and artificial flavored bars. But really, after trying them, I doubt that these bars have the ability to give someone any amount of bliss. Even if it could, it would end up being like a vibrator, it would satisfy you for a while, but eventually you’re going to need something real.
Speaking of being real, these Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars lack some of that in its ingredients. Each bar is made up of multigrain cereal, bran flakes, rice cereal, raspberry flavored fruit pieces, and partially dipped in what I’m now calling, I Can Believe It’s Not Chocolate, or as the packaging says “chocolatey.”
Not chocolate, “chocolatey.”
To explain “chocolatey,” I’m going to refer to a comment for The Impulsive Buy’s review of the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal from my favorite female candy expert, “Partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil + cocoa processed with alkali + cocoa = â€œchocolatey.â€ Thereâ€™s no cocoa butter in there to make it chocolate.”
Its overall taste was not bad. The “raspberry flavored fruit pieces” made the bar taste like raspberry jujubes. The chocolatey part of the bar didn’t seem to add anything, since the raspberry is what stood out. For a bar that claims to be healthy, it would’ve been nice of Kellogg’s to keep it real by including actual dried raspberries in it, or at least a coupon for a free lap dance, because I think that’s the only thing that would make up for it.
Another thing that bothered me was that in the nutrition facts it claimed to have zero trans fats, but if you read the ingredients list and look at the footnotes, there’s a line that says “Less then 0.5 g trans fat per serving” thanks to the partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Each bar weighs less than an ounce (0.77 ounces) and is 3.5 inches long and one inch wide, which is great for people trying to portion control and lose weight, but bad for people who are hungry or guys insecure about their junk.
Overall, I think the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars are like Playboy Playmates, they seem good at first glance, but deep down you know there was some tricks involved. With the Bliss bars, it’s the raspberry flavored fruit pieces and the chocolatey dipping. With the Playboy Playmates, it’s Photoshop.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 10% niacin, 4% iron, 10% vitamin B6, and zero grams of bliss.)
Item: Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss Price: $3.00 (on sale, six-pack) Purchased at: Safeway Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: 90 calories per bar. Decent tasting. Bars are small for those who want to control portions. Coupons for lap dances. Cons: No bliss from eating bars. Ingredients list is kind of scary. 0.5 grams of trans fat. Raspberry flavored fruit pieces not actual raspberries. Chocolatey not chocolate. Not much in vitamins and minerals. Bars are small for hungry people. Chocolatey doesn’t add to the bar. Being insecure about your junk.
Iâ€™m sorry I called you a tease. I didnâ€™t mean it. I also didnâ€™t mean to call you sick and sadistic. My emotions just got the best of me. I know you can only be a grocery store and not the supermarket I dream of in my head.
I thought going to another grocery store would be a better fit for me, but it wasnâ€™t. I found out that the grass wasnâ€™t greener on the other side of the fence. It was a horrible experience.
It costs $4.50 for a gallon of skim milk at the other grocery store. You offered it to me for $3.50. Also, they only had TWO checkout registers open and one was the 10 items or less register. I had to wait in line. I know you would never let that happen to me.
We broke up over something stupid. It wasnâ€™t even worth it and I see that now. Those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, which I did find at the other grocery store, was such a stupid reason for me to think there was someone better than you. Youâ€™ll probably laugh at me when I tell you this, but I had to pay $3.25 for those Pop-Tarts. I know you wouldnâ€™t have charged me that much.
The chocolate frosting and cookie dough filling of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts werenâ€™t even that good, frozen or toasted. It definitely wasnâ€™t as delicious as the Sâ€™mores and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts that you sold to me.
I now know Iâ€™m an unemotional shell who never took into consideration your feelings. You made me feel special, but I now see that I never made you feel as special.
What can I do to make it up to you?
I can get another savings card to replace the one I cut up. I can buy 12 yogurts for $7.80. Iâ€™ll wait in your parking lot and tackle anyone who tries to steal your shopping carts. Or Iâ€™ll bag my own groceries. Iâ€™ll do anything to make it up to you.
I promise Iâ€™ll never leave you again.
Just give me one more chance.
Item: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts Purchase Price: $3.25 Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Good, but not the best Pop-Tarts Iâ€™ve had. I miss you. Cons: Didnâ€™t meet the hype that I created for it. Iâ€™m an asshole.
The national grocery store chain I shop at is a tease.
There I said it!
She’s a tease and if she keeps doing it, I’m going to have to do my shopping at another grocery store. Sure I have to pay a little more for things, but a man can only take so much.
She teases me with her voluptuous “Buy One, Get One Free” deals. Or her sexy “10 for $12.00″ deal. Sure I don’t need twelve boxes of Kleenex, but it’s 10 for $12.00!
She tells me things that get me so excited, but always lets me down. For example, for weeks there’s been a place for those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts with a “Coming Soon” label. Every week when I come in to shop I expect to see some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts, but every week I’m met with the same old “Coming Soon” label.
My emotions aren’t some kind of game you can play with. Don’t play games with me!
What kind of sick and sadistic grocery store are you? Teasing me with your 2 for $4.00 sale on Pop-Tarts, but not having the Pop-Tarts I really want. I’ve had to settle for the S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.
Sure the S’mores Pop-Tarts were good and the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts were really good, with its fudge flavored crust, white vanilla filling, and whipped cream flavored frosting with colored candy sprinkles that tastes great either toasted or frozen. Sure I have to say that the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts has overtaken S’mores Pop-Tarts as my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, but I know that’s just your way of trying to cover up your issues.
How much longer are you going to keep playing games with me? You think I’m some ordinary customer. I have your savings card! I’m a regular customer. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I thought I was special.
That’s it! I’m through with you. I’m done with your stupid “Buy One, Get One Free” sales. I’m moving on from your “10 for $12.00” deals. I’m cutting up your savings card and I’m going to shop somewhere else.
Why did you have to do this to me? I really believed we had something special.
Item: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale) Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Tastes great frozen or toasted. My new favorite Pop-Tarts flavor. Cons: It’s not the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts. My old grocery store is a sick, sadistic tease.