REVIEW: Doritos Pizza Supreme

Doritos Pizza Supreme

Do you want a friend to punch you in the face?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is plan a day long hiking trip and invite your friend to come along. It should be a long and physically punishing hike. It should also be far away from civilization and involve either a raging river, steep cliffs or wildlife that could kill you. Tell your friend that you’ll be driving and responsible for packing and carrying the food and water on the hike. Pack a few bottles of water and finger food snacks, like granola, fruits, carrot sticks, raw meat and other foods you normally wouldn’t eat.

When you’re on the hike, stop for occasional water breaks. If your friend wants to eat, tell him or her that they should wait until they get to a good place to rest and that there’s one up ahead. After 15 minutes have gone by and your friend asks, “Are we there yet?”, say that it’s just around the corner. At this point, keep an eye out for a raging river, steep cliffs, or a bear. After 30 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Are we fucking there yet?”, tell your friend not yet. Continue to look out for a raging river, steep cliff, or a creature that could maul you. When you do end up next to a river, next to a cliff or in the view of a wild animal, tell your friend that the two of you should stop to take a break.

This next part is essential if you want your friend to punch you in the face, and what you do depends on whether you’re next to a river, steep cliff or wild beast who could eat you for dinner. If you’re next to a river, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food into the river and yell, “Aaack, the food fell into the river and it’s being taken away by the current!” If you’re next to a steep cliff, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food over the edge of the cliff, and yell, “Aaack, the food fell over the edge and I can’t get to it!” If you’re near a wild deadly animal, point at the beast, throw the food at it, and yell, “Aaack, (insert beast type here)! I threw our food at it. We should run away while it’s distracted.”

Then you and your friend should run back to your car. Make sure neither of you gets captured and eaten by the wild animal, or everything would’ve been in vain. When back in your car, begin the long drive home. By now, your friend will be hungry and tired and will tell you to stop somewhere for food, but tell your friend you’re craving pizza and will order one and have it delivered when the two of you get back.

If possible, try to get pulled over by the police for speeding.

When the two of you get back of your place, pretend to order a pizza without having to make an actual call, then tell your friend that the pizza place will deliver it in 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes have passed by and you friend asks, “Where’s the pizza?”, say it should be here any minute. After 45 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Where’s the fucking pizza?”, pretend to look agitated and then pick up your phone and pretend to call the pizza place. While on the phone, nod your head a few times, say “It better get here soon” and then hang up. By the time one hour passes, your friend should be extremely hungry, tired and grumpy, so tell your friend that you’ll wait outside for the pizza delivery person. When you get outside, yell “Finally, it’s about time. I should get a free pizza for this.” Then open the door, look back like you’re talking to a delivery person and say, “The only tip I’m going to give you is to not take so damn long to deliver a pizza.” Then slam the door behind you.

Then grab a bag of Doritos Pizza Supreme, run towards your friend, and throw the bag at your friend’s face while yelling, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos. And your mom is a whore!”

If this doesn’t get your friend to punch you in the face, I don’t know what will.

Doritos Pizza Supreme Naked

The flavor of the Doritos Pizza Supreme is supposed to be complex like the 700-plus word instructions for a sociological Rube Goldberg machine that you just read. According to Frito-Lay, thanks to their “Flavor Plus” technology, we’re supposed to be able to taste every ingredient found on a supreme pizza, which usually includes, sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and olives.

While my taste buds had trouble picking out each component found on a supreme pizza, as a whole, the Doritos Pizza Supreme did taste like a supreme pizza and I enjoyed them. Although, I had my doubts because when I opened the bag it smelled like a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Besides the flavor, everything else about these chips are typical of most Doritos: the crunch, the triangular shape of each chip and the cheesy powder that gets stuck to your fingers, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Currently, the Doritos Pizza Supreme is only available for a limited time, but I hope they’re successful enough that they become a permanent flavor, because I like them. I also hope Doritos continues to make more chips that taste like greasy fast food, because they seem to be adept at it. I don’t know how Frito-Lay’s “Flavor Plus” technology works, but I bet it’s as complex as trying to get a friend to punch you in the face, Rube Goldberg-style.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 2% iron.)

Item: Doritos Pizza Supreme
Price: $1.09
Size: 1.75 ounces
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like a supreme pizza. Tasty. Getting a friend to punch you in the face Rube Goldberg-style. Crunchy. 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat. Leaves cheesy residue on fingers. Frito-Lay’s Flavor Plus technology. Getting to say, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos.”
Cons: Smells like Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Couldn’t pick out every single ingredient found on a supreme pizza. Contains MSG. Available for a limited time.

NEWS: Trick Friends Into Thinking You’ll Have Awesome Food At Your Super Bowl Party With New Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Pizza Supreme Doritos

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Update: Click here to read our Doritos Pizza Supreme review.

Update 2: Click here to read out Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Loaded Chili & Cheese review.

No one wants to come to your Super Bowl party because your 32-inch high-def television is too small for the big game? You could spend $2,000 to buy a bigger HDTV or you could promise to cook food that’ll compensate for your television’s size.

Don’t have $2,000 or the ability to cook?

Well, don’t worry. Just tell your friends you’ll be serving up hot wings, chili & cheese and supreme pizza at your Super Bowl party. After they all arrive, chain the doors so no one can leave, open up bags of the new Ruffles Molten Hot Wings, Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese, and Doritos Pizza Supreme, and then shout “Bon Appetit!”

The new Ruffles flavors still have ridges and the Doritos Pizza Supreme uses the same technology Frito-Lay used to create the eerily accurate Madden-Inspired Doritos flavors to help create a Doritos chip that allows us to taste the different ingredients found on a supreme pizza.

Yay, technology!

The new Ruffles flavors have 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 170-180 milligrams of sodium, 15-16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of fiber and 2 grams of protein.

Source: Frito-Lay Snack Chat Blog

NEWS: Doritos Releases Limited Edition Taco Flavor In Retro Bag That’s From A Time In Your Life When You Could Eat Doritos and Not Worry About Getting Fat

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For those of you who follow snack news religiously, the Limited Edition Taco Flavor Doritos is old news since it was released last month. But I only heard about them the other day. Despite it being slightly old news, I decided to post something about it because, to be honest, I really wanted to write the title above.

If you’re a snack historian, you’ll know the Taco Flavor was the second Doritos flavor ever after Toasted Corn, and although I am old enough to have eaten them, I only remember eating the Toasted Corn Doritos. Eventually, the Taco Flavor went away.

The Limited Edition Taco Flavor Doritos follows what Pepsi has done with their Throwback Pepsi and Mountain Dew issues, which is to release them in packaging similar to the original. So if you want to trick your friends into thinking you’re eating something out of a time capsule, now would be the time.

The Limited Edition Taco Flavor Doritos retail for $3.99.

REVIEW: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)

I’m amazed with what Doritos is capable of doing with their tortilla chips. They do some crazy magic with seasonings and monosodium glutamate. Mountain Dew-flavored chips…BOOM! Fast food taco-flavored chips…KAPOW! Cheeseburger-flavored chips…(insert here favorite onomatopoeia used during the fight scenes in the 1960s Batman TV series)!

The only way I can imagine they came up with such flavors is by snorting monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant to stimulate the right side of their brain.

While the folks at Doritos would never admit to using MSG like Jim Morrison used heroin to create music, Ernest Hemingway used alcohol to write prose and Phil Collins used baldness to come up with his song “Sussudio,” they have admitted their newest flavors, Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho, were inspired by the football video game Madden ’11.

For those of you who have never played a minute of Madden in its 22-year history, it allows football fans to control any NFL team, and depending on what level of difficulty one sets the game at, they can make the impossible possible, like having the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl by beating their opponent 259-0 with their third string quarterback. Of course, one of the downsides of playing Madden is having the voices of either John Madden or Cris Collinsworth haunt your dreams by repeating the same color commentary over and over again, especially Madden’s “BOOM!” which has been known to spoil lovemaking sessions.

While the unusual flavors Doritos creates are awe-inspiring, what’s even more impressive is how accurate those unusual flavors are compared with the real thing. Their Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger tastes like cheeseburgers, their Doritos Late Night Tacos tastes like fast food tacos and the Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho are supposed to taste like barbeque pork and nachos with jalapenos, respectively.

Because I’ve read previous reviews of the Tailgater BBQ, I knew I should expect a barbeque pork flavor, but for unsuspecting folks, its flavor will be kind of a mindfuck. The chip starts off with a sweet barbeque flavor that’s similar to barbeque Lay’s potato chips, and then the smoky pork flavor hits the tongue. At first, I thought the greasy pork flavor seemed a bit odd to have with a chip and it slightly grossed me out, but after eating a bit more, I got used to the flavor..a little. I kind of like Tailgater BBQ, but I don’t think I can eat too much of it in one sitting because I’m afraid its greasy pork flavor will eventually freak out my taste buds.

The Stadium Nacho flavor is definitely my favorite of the two Madden ’11 Inspired Flavors, even though it’s just another addition to the long line of cheesy Doritos flavors. But that’s probably a good thing because while the folks at Doritos do a good job of creating chips that taste like meat, they do a much better job at develop cheesy-flavored chips. The Stadium Nacho has a nacho cheese sauce flavor that would make Taco Bell proud, and then make them check to see if any of their nacho cheese sauce patents were violated because the chips taste almost exactly like Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce. But what makes the Stadium Nacho tasty in my mind is the mild jalapeno flavor, which also gives the chips a very, very slight kick.

Since a new version of Madden is released every year, I’d like to see Doritos comes up with flavors inspired by Madden ’12. I’m hoping after the people at Doritos snort monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant they’ll come up with hot dog or beer-flavored Doritos.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Stadium Nachos – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 2% vitamin A. Tailgater BBQ – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin B6 and 2% magnesium.)

Item: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)
Price: $2.98 each
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: The Blue Store That Makes Kmart Look Slightly Better
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Tailgater BBQ)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Stadium Nacho)
Pros: Accurate flavors. Stadium Nacho was tasty thanks to Taco Bell-ish nacho cheese sauce flavor and jalapeno flavor. Inventive Doritos flavors. 1960s Batman TV show. Winning the Super Bowl in Madden using the easy level of difficulty.
Cons: Tailgater BBQ’s pork flavor can seem a little weird. Contains MSG. Having John Madden saying “BOOM!” over and over again in your dreams. Trying to hollow out a Cheetos puff. Snorting MSG.

REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight is missing something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

It’s missing the grease that real tacos at midnight would have, which lubricates the body so that the shame from the evening of debauchery can pass through easier. The tacos themselves also help by replacing the regret of whatever you did earlier in the evening with the shame of eating cheap, fast food tacos that will make you fart in your sleep.

The grease is necessary to wash away things like the regret of giving your cell phone number to the crazy, borderline homely person at the bar who keeps texting you about how special you are to them because you bought them a drink, which they mistook as a gift of courtship, but was really a pity drink after he/she told you their depressing story about how they got dumped on Valentine’s Day and the restraining order they received shortly after, all of which happened after you two accidently met on the dance floor while the DJ was playing “your jam” — a sped up mashup of Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.”

You don’t remember that person’s name, but you do know what they look like because you’ve received 20 or so text messages from them since you left the club an hour ago, and with every text their strobe light-lighted picture you took on your cell phone about 90 minutes ago when you were a lot more inebriated shows up on your phone’s screen. In your more sober state, you think to yourself, “Not even the poor lighting makes him/her look better.” Also at that point, you regret having your phone’s text messaging alert set to the chorus of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Hot Sex.”

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight may not have grease, or a simple name, but it does taste like a fast food taco and they’re tasty. Although its flavor specifically reminds me of a Jack in the Box taco, which isn’t my favorite fast food taco. But for some it’s the taco of choice for those who want to forget the embarrassment of drunk making out with someone who smelled like burnt hair and cigarette ashes, wore a lot of polyester and didn’t have all their teeth. You can point at the dark red powder that covers the chips for that flavor and you can also blame that powder for the slight spice of the chip and for making your fingers look like they contracted a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

The similarities between the Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight chips and Jack in the Box tacos don’t stop with flavor. Just like a Jack in the Box taco, when you burp after eating these Doritos you get to savor its flavor all over again. But without the grease found in regular tacos, these triangular chips won’t help the next time you find yourself in the back seat of a car, hopefully not a Mini Cooper, with someone who you think is of the opposite sex, but really isn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein,

(Note: The Onion’s AV Club also reviewed them, along with the Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Popper. Phoood reviewed these, along with Everyview.)

Item: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight
Price: $3.00
Size: 13 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: The-Blue-Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. If you like Jack in the Box tacos, it tastes like them. The grease from tacos. Forgetting things that will prevent you from running for office. Restraining orders.
Cons: Doesn’t contain the grease that real tacos have. Tastes like Jack in the Box taco, which aren’t my favorite. Anything bad that happens when you’re inebriated. Retasting it after you burp. Any mashup that contains Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.” Giving your phone number to a scary stranger.