REVIEW: Jolly Time Mallow Magic

Jolly Time Mallow Magic

I’m skeptical of things that claim to be “magical.”

For example, Magic Markers. I haven’t found anything “magical” about them, except when I sniff them for too long, which causes me to “magically” prance around naked on all fours, pretending to be a pretty, pretty little pony.

Also, those Magic: The Gathering playing cards, they “magically” give my friend’s little cousins the ability to totally kick my ass at something.

Finally, there’s David Blaine, who claims to be a “magician,” but all the things he does isn’t really magic, like stand on a flagpole for 35 hours, or spend seven days underwater in a see-through coffin, or live in a plastic box suspended over a river for 44 days, or stand at a truck-stop urinal and pee for 3 hours.

So I wasn’t expecting much from the Jolly Time Mallow Magic microwave popcorn.

The concept of Mallow Magic is much like the Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn I reviewed earlier this month. It’s microwave popcorn with a sweet creamy topping.

Also, like the Cinnabon Popcorn, each box of Mallow Magic comes with two bags of unpopped popcorn and two pouches of creamy marshmallow topping.

I liked the sweet Cinnabon Popcorn, so I was looking forward to trying the sweet marshmallowy taste of the Mallow Magic Popcorn. So I put the flat bag of popcorn into the microwave and set the time for 2 minutes and 30 seconds.

I carefully watched the flat bag of popcorn in the microwave. Then suddenly, I heard a pop. Then another. Then another. Then another. I looked at the bag of popcorn and I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Oh my God! The bag…It’s growing in the microwave!” I yelled.

“It’s…It’s….MAGICAL!”

“I believe!!! I believe!!!”

Yeah, whatever.

After I took the bag out of the microwave, I instantly noticed that it was slightly smaller than all other microwave popcorn bags I’ve seen. I looked at the Cinnabon Popcorn box and the Mallow Magic box, and it turned out that the Mallow Magic bag had about one-fifth less popcorn than the Cinnabon Popcorn bag.

So, of course, this meant less popcorn.

After I added the creamy marshmallow topping, I dug into what turned out to be a nice sweet treat, that I think tasted better than the Cinnabon Popcorn.

However, they were such a nice sweet treat, that I ate an entire bag in one sitting, while trying to NOT watch American Idol.

Item: Jolly Time Mallow Magic
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A nice sweet treat. Like kettle corn, except a lot more messy. Popcorn has fiber.
Cons: Bags are smaller than most popcorn bags. Not magical, just like David Blaine.

Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream

Keto Ice Cream

(Editor’s Note: I was going to do a review about Valentine’s Day today, but I found a product that could actually help me get a Valentine, if their commercial is accurate. I’ll review it tomorrow and let you know if it worked. No, it’s not pheromones.

So instead of a Valentine’s Day review, today you get another low-carb product review. Yeah!)

When items are labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale,” there are probably several reasons why: (1) Expiration date is coming up. (2) Item has been discontinued. (3) The product isn’t selling well. (4) The packaging has been damaged. (5) Item was returned. (6) It’s crap and it totally blows. (7) Product is endorsed by Seymour Smith. Who? Exactly. (8) Possible store employee practical joke on customers involving bodily fluids being added to the product.

When I pulled out a pint of Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream from the freezer case at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I picked it up because of the “Reduced for Quick Sale” price tag hanging from the shelf.

I inspected it to see which of the reasons above was the cause for the “Reduced for Quick Sale” tag. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell, but my money was on reason number six because of the three words printed repeatedly on the lid, “The Low Carb Leader.”

Now boys and girls, what have we learned about low-carb foods?

Let’s say it all together.

“They’re crap, they totally blow, and they’re a waste of money.”

However, after reading the packaging more thoroughly, I thought the Keto Vanilla Moon might taste better than other low-carb foods because it had the same high levels of saturated fat and cholesterol than regular ice cream.

Well just like my Super Bowl pick, my presidential election pick, and my pick to win Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards, I was totally wrong. Despite all the fat and cholesterol, it didn’t taste very good. It sort of tasted like Cool Whip…Lite, and I think I’m being a little generous by saying that.

After I read the package even more thoroughly, I found out the Keto Vanilla Moon was also high in dietary fiber. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, ice cream didn’t aid with bowel movements, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it REALLY helps with bowel movements.

But it’s good to know that I can get fiber in ways other than Metamucil, whole-grain bread, and a Taco Bell bean burrito.

I wanted to find out more about Keto, but unfortunately it turned out that they’re no longer in business. So I guess that explained why the Keto Super Premium Ice Cream was labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale.”

I’ll have to add to my list, “(9) Company no longer in business.”

So if you’re interested in trying Keto Super Premium Ice Cream, get yours now, because once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.


Item: Vanilla Moon Keto Super Premium Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Very limited edition. High in fiber.
Cons: Keto is no longer in business. Not very “super” or “premium.” Tastes like Cool Whip Lite. High is saturated fat and cholesterol.

REVIEW: Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn

Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn

The ONLY things I like to put on top of my popcorn are salt and artery-clogging buttah. Call me a purist. Call me vanilla. Call me Plain Jane. Call me your daddy. I just like my popcorn that way.

Recently, while checking out chips in the snack aisle, my peripheral vision noticed the new Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn.

“Oh, dude, that sounds gross,” I thought to myself.

Then I thought, “Gross enough to be the PERFECT item to review.”

The popcorn is flavored with a cinnamon buttah and comes with a pouch of Cinnabon frosting, which you pour on top of the popcorn. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Of course, I could think of another use for that Cinnabon frosting, but I don’t have a lady-friend at the moment.

The first thing I noticed after opening the box was the fact that there were only TWO bags in the box. This surprised me because I could’ve sworn most boxes of microwave popcorn have four bags.

Anyway, after sticking a bag in the microwave and not burning it, I have to say that this is the first product EVER that originally made me nauseous, but I learned to love. Um, sort of like, Celine Dion.

Oh, wait. It’s the other way around. I loved Celine Dion, but I eventually became nauseous of her.

No, no, no, that’s not right. Um, Celine Dion has always made me nauseous?

Oh yeah, that’s right, she has.

Anyway, while the popcorn was popping, the cinnamon aroma of it filled the room and made me a little nauseous. However, after I added the Cinnabon frosting and began chowing it down, I felt a lot better. I guess this was due to the fact that the popcorn was actually pretty good and I couldn’t stop eating it.

Thank goodness for the show Strange Love on VH1. Seeing Brigitte Neilsen and Flavor Flav’s naked bodies instantly made me nauseous again and stop eating.

Because it was a Cinnabon-related product, I was hoping for a gooey mess, but all I got were Cinnabon-smelling fingers, which turned out to be frustrating.

Hours after eating the Cinnabon Popcorn, despite washing my hands several times, my fingers still smelled like Cinnabons. Although, during those several times, I did use the cheap stuff (i.e. generic Wally World hand soap).

However, when I used the good stuff (i.e. Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash), which I only use for special occasions, the smell was replaced with the aroma of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.

I wonder how many times I would have to type Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash to get free stuff from Method?

Item: Orville Redenbacher’s Cinnabon Popcorn
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: ONLY TWO BAGS IN A BOX. Not as sticky or messy as actual Cinnabons. Originally made me nauseous, but they are damn good.
Cons: Smell lingers on your fingers, unless you use Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash (Come on! Send some free stuff, baby!). Celine Dion and Strange Love (shutter).

Terra Potpourri Potato Chips

Terra Potpourri

I first heard about Terra potato chips during the Food Network show Unwrapped, which I only watch for the commercials, so I can see network promos with that babe Rachael Ray.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Janet emailed me to find out what I thought of Terra potato chips. Unfortunately, I’ve never had them before.

So I decided that my new goal in life was to try Terra potato chips. Of course, I started on that goal after I was done watching a one-hour block of Rachael Ray shows and blew out the candles to my Rachael Ray shrine.

When I went to go look for them, I couldn’t find them in any of the usual places I shop, like the national grocery store chain, the locally-owned grocery store chain, the national convenience store chain down the street, the international superstore behemoth, the other locally-owned grocery store chain that losing business to the international superstore behemoth, and the convenience store at the corner that sells tobacco, alcohol, and Playboy to minors.

Since I was disappointed I couldn’t find any Terra chips, I decided to drink away another one of my failures with a Slurpee. Little did I know that my Slurpee run would lead me to discover the answer to my problem.

As I walked out of the convenience store, sucking on a Mountain Dew Slurpee, I looked up and stared at the natural foods store across the street.

Suddenly, a lightbulb turned on in my head and I realized the natural foods store would probably carry Terra potato chips. After all, there aren’t many words that sound more natural than “Terra.”

However, the bright lightbulb suddenly shattered as I realized I had to actually go into a natural foods store. This bothered me because I’m scared of the people who shop and work at natural food stores.

Why? I’ll give you a couple of examples.

I usually have to pass the natural foods store whenever I want to go to my favorite Chinese restaurant. When I do, I notice that some of the people who go into the store are people who like EVERYTHING all-natural, including body odor, which doesn’t smell good in areas with 80 percent humidity.

Another example involved my friend, when she was checking out at another natural foods store. When my friend pulled out her leather Coach wallet to pay for her natural groceries, she was suddenly interrogated by the cashier.

“Is that leather?” the cashier asked in a holier-than-thou tone.

“Yes, it is,” my friend replied.

“Really…” the cashier said and then followed that with a rant about how inhumane cows are treated and why my friend should have a hemp wallet instead.

My friend was so traumatized by the experience that she hasn’t stepped into a natural foods store or eaten tofu since.

Oh crap, this review is getting long. Okay, long story short.

Went into the natural foods store, passed by a smelly “all-natural” person, noticed the store had Terra chips, picked up a bag of Terra Potpourri, waited in line behind previously mentioned “all-natural” smelly person, held my breath, paid for Terra chips, walked out of natural foods store, and then took many deep breaths of fresh, clean air.

When I got home, I opened the bag and saw the most beautiful potato chips I had ever seen. It was a radiant potpourri of orange sweet potato chips, yellow Yukon Gold potato chips, Terra Blues potato chips, Huckleberry Red and Red Thumb potato chips.

They were not only beautiful and colorful, they were also damn tasty. They were probably the best potato chips I’ve ever had and if you’ve seen my gut, you’d know I’ve eaten a lot of potato chips in my lifetime.

If the Terra Potpourri potato chips were cheaper than the $3.39 for a small five-ounce bag, I would brave the smelly folks at the natural foods store every other day to buy more.


Item: Terra Potpourri Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn tasty! Addictive. Thick potato chips. Colorful and beautiful, like rolling fields of tulips and roses below clear blue sky on a breezy Spring day.
Cons: Bag is kind of small. Pricey for small bag. Really shiny bags. Might face “all-natural” folks at natural foods store.

Girl Scouts Thin Mints

Thin Mints

I learned a very important lesson this weekend: Don’t try to haggle with Girl Scouts, because they won’t budge.

Yesterday, while I was walking out of the national grocery store chain I shop at, out of nowhere three Girl Scouts appeared in front of my shopping cart. Fortunately, I have cat-like reflexes and I swerved the cart to avoid hitting them.

I looked at them and they all smiled and said a synchronized, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”

Usually I would avoid such fundraising efforts because I’m a really cheap bastard. However, it’s been a few years since I had Girl Scout Cookies and I wondered if there were any new flavors. So I asked the three of them, “What flavors do you have?”

They went through the list and it sounded like they were the same old flavors. I sighed and then asked them if they had any new flavors. This seemed to have stumped them because they began whispering to each other. After a few moments, they came to the consensus that there weren’t any and they shook their heads.

After the quick disappointment wore off, I said to them, “You Girl Scouts just changed the look of your uniforms, isn’t it about time you girls changed the flavors of your cookies?”

The three of them began whispering to each other again. After a few moments, I think they came to the consensus that I’m a big, yucky dork.

Since they didn’t have any new flavors, I decided to get a box of Thin Mints. One of the girls told me they’re the most popular Girl Scout Cookies. After telling me that wonderful nugget of information that might come in handy during a game of Trivial Pursuit, I said to the girl, “Well I think if you had a chocolate chip cookie it would totally kick Thin Mints’ ass.”

After our little banter, I asked the three girls how much the box of Thin Mints was.

“Four dollars,” they said with smiles.

“Four dollars!” I said with disbelief.

I could’ve sworn the last time I bought Girl Scout Cookies they were only three dollars, so I decided to haggle.

“How about three dollars for the cookies?” I asked them.

“Four dollars,” they said.

“$3.50?”

“Four dollars.”

“$3.75?”

I was going to start raising my offer in one cent increments, but all three of them had stern and bitchy looks on their faces, like their inner Omorosa’s were coming out. So I paid my four dollars and pushed my cart away before they could use what they learned to earn their Self-Defense Girl Scout Badges.

When I got home, I opened the Thin Mints and began popping them one-by-one as I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers get whipped by the New England Patriots. Before I knew it, I ate half the box.

I’m usually not big on mint, except when it’s in my toothpaste and chewing gum, but I like Thin Mints. They have a nice chocolate and mint mixture, which make them refreshing and satisfying. I would definitely buy more if they lowered the price a little.

Damn greedy Girl Scouts!

No wonder their uniforms are green.

Item: Girl Scouts Thin Mints
Purchase Price: $4.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No tax. Nice chocolate and mint mix. Helps young women become happy and resourceful citizens.
Cons: No new Girl Scout Cookie flavors. Damn greedy Girl Scouts.