Terra Potpourri Potato Chips

Terra Potpourri

I first heard about Terra potato chips during the Food Network show Unwrapped, which I only watch for the commercials, so I can see network promos with that babe Rachael Ray.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Janet emailed me to find out what I thought of Terra potato chips. Unfortunately, I’ve never had them before.

So I decided that my new goal in life was to try Terra potato chips. Of course, I started on that goal after I was done watching a one-hour block of Rachael Ray shows and blew out the candles to my Rachael Ray shrine.

When I went to go look for them, I couldn’t find them in any of the usual places I shop, like the national grocery store chain, the locally-owned grocery store chain, the national convenience store chain down the street, the international superstore behemoth, the other locally-owned grocery store chain that losing business to the international superstore behemoth, and the convenience store at the corner that sells tobacco, alcohol, and Playboy to minors.

Since I was disappointed I couldn’t find any Terra chips, I decided to drink away another one of my failures with a Slurpee. Little did I know that my Slurpee run would lead me to discover the answer to my problem.

As I walked out of the convenience store, sucking on a Mountain Dew Slurpee, I looked up and stared at the natural foods store across the street.

Suddenly, a lightbulb turned on in my head and I realized the natural foods store would probably carry Terra potato chips. After all, there aren’t many words that sound more natural than “Terra.”

However, the bright lightbulb suddenly shattered as I realized I had to actually go into a natural foods store. This bothered me because I’m scared of the people who shop and work at natural food stores.

Why? I’ll give you a couple of examples.

I usually have to pass the natural foods store whenever I want to go to my favorite Chinese restaurant. When I do, I notice that some of the people who go into the store are people who like EVERYTHING all-natural, including body odor, which doesn’t smell good in areas with 80 percent humidity.

Another example involved my friend, when she was checking out at another natural foods store. When my friend pulled out her leather Coach wallet to pay for her natural groceries, she was suddenly interrogated by the cashier.

“Is that leather?” the cashier asked in a holier-than-thou tone.

“Yes, it is,” my friend replied.

“Really…” the cashier said and then followed that with a rant about how inhumane cows are treated and why my friend should have a hemp wallet instead.

My friend was so traumatized by the experience that she hasn’t stepped into a natural foods store or eaten tofu since.

Oh crap, this review is getting long. Okay, long story short.

Went into the natural foods store, passed by a smelly “all-natural” person, noticed the store had Terra chips, picked up a bag of Terra Potpourri, waited in line behind previously mentioned “all-natural” smelly person, held my breath, paid for Terra chips, walked out of natural foods store, and then took many deep breaths of fresh, clean air.

When I got home, I opened the bag and saw the most beautiful potato chips I had ever seen. It was a radiant potpourri of orange sweet potato chips, yellow Yukon Gold potato chips, Terra Blues potato chips, Huckleberry Red and Red Thumb potato chips.

They were not only beautiful and colorful, they were also damn tasty. They were probably the best potato chips I’ve ever had and if you’ve seen my gut, you’d know I’ve eaten a lot of potato chips in my lifetime.

If the Terra Potpourri potato chips were cheaper than the $3.39 for a small five-ounce bag, I would brave the smelly folks at the natural foods store every other day to buy more.


Item: Terra Potpourri Potato Chips
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn tasty! Addictive. Thick potato chips. Colorful and beautiful, like rolling fields of tulips and roses below clear blue sky on a breezy Spring day.
Cons: Bag is kind of small. Pricey for small bag. Really shiny bags. Might face “all-natural” folks at natural foods store.

Girl Scouts Thin Mints

Thin Mints

I learned a very important lesson this weekend: Don’t try to haggle with Girl Scouts, because they won’t budge.

Yesterday, while I was walking out of the national grocery store chain I shop at, out of nowhere three Girl Scouts appeared in front of my shopping cart. Fortunately, I have cat-like reflexes and I swerved the cart to avoid hitting them.

I looked at them and they all smiled and said a synchronized, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”

Usually I would avoid such fundraising efforts because I’m a really cheap bastard. However, it’s been a few years since I had Girl Scout Cookies and I wondered if there were any new flavors. So I asked the three of them, “What flavors do you have?”

They went through the list and it sounded like they were the same old flavors. I sighed and then asked them if they had any new flavors. This seemed to have stumped them because they began whispering to each other. After a few moments, they came to the consensus that there weren’t any and they shook their heads.

After the quick disappointment wore off, I said to them, “You Girl Scouts just changed the look of your uniforms, isn’t it about time you girls changed the flavors of your cookies?”

The three of them began whispering to each other again. After a few moments, I think they came to the consensus that I’m a big, yucky dork.

Since they didn’t have any new flavors, I decided to get a box of Thin Mints. One of the girls told me they’re the most popular Girl Scout Cookies. After telling me that wonderful nugget of information that might come in handy during a game of Trivial Pursuit, I said to the girl, “Well I think if you had a chocolate chip cookie it would totally kick Thin Mints’ ass.”

After our little banter, I asked the three girls how much the box of Thin Mints was.

“Four dollars,” they said with smiles.

“Four dollars!” I said with disbelief.

I could’ve sworn the last time I bought Girl Scout Cookies they were only three dollars, so I decided to haggle.

“How about three dollars for the cookies?” I asked them.

“Four dollars,” they said.

“$3.50?”

“Four dollars.”

“$3.75?”

I was going to start raising my offer in one cent increments, but all three of them had stern and bitchy looks on their faces, like their inner Omorosa’s were coming out. So I paid my four dollars and pushed my cart away before they could use what they learned to earn their Self-Defense Girl Scout Badges.

When I got home, I opened the Thin Mints and began popping them one-by-one as I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers get whipped by the New England Patriots. Before I knew it, I ate half the box.

I’m usually not big on mint, except when it’s in my toothpaste and chewing gum, but I like Thin Mints. They have a nice chocolate and mint mixture, which make them refreshing and satisfying. I would definitely buy more if they lowered the price a little.

Damn greedy Girl Scouts!

No wonder their uniforms are green.

Item: Girl Scouts Thin Mints
Purchase Price: $4.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No tax. Nice chocolate and mint mix. Helps young women become happy and resourceful citizens.
Cons: No new Girl Scout Cookie flavors. Damn greedy Girl Scouts.

REVIEW: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch

kazaam

I’m really skeptical about anything named Kazaam.

I blame it on the 1996 movie starring professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal called ”Kazaam”. It took away 90 minutes of my life that I will never EVER get back. It took away $6.50 that I’ll never see again. It also made me start my mental list called “Movies I Can’t Believe I Fricken’ Sat Through.”

“Kazaam” was in the number one spot for several years, until it was replaced in 2003 by the American Idol flick “From Justin to Kelly.”

Damn, the things I’d do for a woman.

The Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch are basically a chocolate dip away from being a Kudos Bar, with its granola, rice krispies, and chocolate chips. I happened to get my hands on the caramel one, but they also come in cookies & cream and rainbow chip.

They’re good. They’re sweet. They’re crunchy. They’re glorified granola bars.

Remember when granola was only eaten by dirty hippies who didn’t believe in deodorant.

I do.

Damn, dirty hippies!

Anyway, each box comes with eight bars and I went through all eight in two days. So they must be really good or I’m so bored that I have nothing else better to do than eat a box of Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch and watch Oprah.

So there are three things I want you to remember from this review: (1) Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch is good. (2) Shaquille O’Neal’s “Kazaam” is bad. (3) Hippies should use deodorant.

Item: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Waaay better than the movie Kazaam. Granola is no longer for just dirty hippies.
Cons: Sort of like a Kudos Bar. Damn hippies!

Tropical Splendor EcoBar

Tropical Splendor EcoBar

I’m suspicious of “health foods,” or as we used to call them while growing up, “hippie food.” It all began with my parents’ attempt to feed me plain rice cakes during my “husky” years. If you’ve never had a plain rice cake, you know that it tastes nothing like cake, not even the crap you can make with an Easy Bake Oven.

Ever since then I’ve avoided anything “healthy.” Unfortunately, due to my slowly expanding gut, I’m beginning to see less and less of my penis. So I’ve decided to give another shot at health foods.

Recently I came across the EcoBar, which was on sale at the local 24-hour drugstore. The name of it sounds healthy, doesn’t it?

There were several flavors to choose from: Rain Forest Frost, Mountain Majesty, Ocean Berry, Desert Delight, and Tropical Splendor. At first, I thought about the Desert Delight, figuring it must be good like a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot apple pie. However, after reading the ingredients, which consisted of dates, nuts, figs, honey, toasted oats, and crisp rice with a creamy yogurt coating, I thought it didn’t seem much like a desert. Maybe if they added some chocolate, then it would seem like a desert.

Instead, I decided on the Tropical Splendor, which sounded pretty tropical with its pineapple, papaya, coconut, and mango, along with honey, toasted oats and crisp rice with a yogurt coating. It sure ain’t no plain rice cake.

One of the first things I noticed about the EcoBar was its nutritional value. It contains 17 vitamins and minerals: Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin E, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, Phosphorus, Iodine, and Zinc.

With a plain rice cake, I believe you get vitamins and minerals as well.

Hmm, let’s see. Nope, no vitamins or minerals, just oodles of tasteless rice.

How do you expect to get healthy from that?

With my past plain rice cake experience, I was expecting the worst from this health food. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by how good the chewy Tropical Splendor EcoBar was. The yogurt coating made the bar sweet, like a good candy bar. The mixture of dried fruit also made it very tasty.

The “Eco” in EcoBar stands for “ecology,” which is the relationships between organisms and their environment. Too bad the “Eco” in EcoBar didn’t stand for “economy,” because if they were a little cheaper, I would eat them a little more often.

For the price of one EcoBar, I could get two chocolate bars. Hey, isn’t chocolate considered health food?


Item: Tropical Splendor EcoBar
Purchase Price: $1.19 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Yogurt coating makes is taste more like candy.
Cons: Cheaper to buy candy bars. (Hey isn’t chocolate good for you!). A little pricey.

X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks

Jello Pudding Sticks

Today’s review is unlike any other review I’ve done. It going to be an xtreme review!!!

It’s sooo xtreme that I had to use THREE exclamation points for the previous sentence.

How do I plan to make this review of X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks xtreme? Um, for example, you can’t see it, but I’m typing with ONE HAND! That’s so xtreme! Right?

Well these pudding sticks come in a box of eight, with easy-to-open tabs. I went through all eight in three days (I’m a growing boy, you know). They also come in two other flavors: Oreo and Chips Ahoy!, which the national grocery store chain I shop at didn’t have. I think it’s about time I shop at another grocery store chain, because the store I shop at never has the flavors I want, like the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts.

The best part of these pudding sticks is the no-hassle clean up. When you make pudding there’s a lot of cleanup, which involves washing of bowls and spoons, also the possible need to wash your face from trying the lick the bowl clean.

With these convenient pudding sticks, all you do is squeeze and suck out the chocolate goodness, like it was a tube of toothpaste. When you’re done, just throw the empty stick away. It’s so easy to remember: squeeze, suck, and throw away. Isn’t that xtreme?

So how do they taste? Chowing down on these creamy chocolate confections causes my consciousness to come to a consuming constant climax. Okay, not totally true, but they’re really good. At least the alliteration was xtreme! Wasn’t it?

Okay try this:

Chocolate flavor.
Wrapped in a convenient stick.
Sugary goodness.

Haiku, baby! How xtreme is that?

Probably the most xtreme thing about the pudding sticks, if pudding sticks can be considered xtreme in the first place, is the fact Jell-O encourages you to freeze them. Freezing them doesn’t make them better or easier to eat, all it does is make them a little more dangerous if you fly one across the room to your eight-year-old.

Is that xtreme?

Item: X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No spoons necessary to eat pudding. Chocolate pudding goodness in a stick form. Freezable.
Cons: Not really xtreme.