REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles

If Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were to reproduce — and I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, and football they don’t — their offspring would look like the new Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles, which are a little pale, covered with weird red splotches and deformed with indentations.

As with all Special K products, these waffles are targeted towards women who want to lose weight by torturing their taste buds with bland products and in serving sizes that would make bulimics wonder if it’s necessary to purge.

Yes, I did lose weight when I did the Special K Diet and I looked better wearing my hip-hugger jeans and showing a little male whale tail, but eating breakfast cereal every day got old quicker than me using the phrase “cool beans” to replace every positive adjective I used in daily conversation.

The Special K Red Berries Waffles are slightly healthier than regular Kellogg’s Eggo Waffles. These almost gothy-white waffles have over 50 percent less fat and 20 percent less calories, but also have 66 percent more sugar than their regular Eggo counterparts.

However, many of these differences are very small when you look at the actual numbers and not at percentages. For example, the Special K waffles have only 20 less calories, which is easy to burn with either a few push-ups or with a vial of cocaine taped to my back, running shoes, and a sober Lindsay Lohan chasing after me.

These waffles are also full of vitamins and minerals and claims it’s a good source of calcium. However, it provides only 6 percent of your daily recommend allowance of calcium per waffle, which doesn’t sound like a good source to me, unless you love waffles as much as I love the TV show Ninja Warrior and Lynne Spears’ daughters love making babies.

The red berries, which according to the ingredients list are strawberries, were noticeable when I ate one naked — the waffle, not me — but was pretty much non-existent after I poured some Canadian Maple Syrup on top — the waffle, not me. But then again, I do pour enough syrup to make those who use excessive amounts of alcohol to drown their sorrows say, “Damn, that’s a little too much there, buddy!”

All that maple syrup probably negated the slight health advantages the Special K Red Berries Waffles have over regular Eggo waffles, but it made it taste much better. Without the syrup, I felt it was not bad for diet frozen waffles, but who eats waffles without some kind of topping? That’s like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, and TMZ not showing any shots with celebrity cleavage.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 80 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 4 grams of protein, and vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles
Price: $2.75 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not as bland as regular Special K cereal. Tastes good with syrup. Ninja Warrior.
Cons: Not much healthier than regular Eggo waffles. Less than one gram of dietary fiber. More sugar than regular Eggo waffles. Amy Winehouse reproducing. Excessive use of “cool beans.” Male whale tail.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

Kellogg's Eggo Lego Homestyle Waffles

I’m no civil engineer or architect, but after playing around with these Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles, I can safely say that it’s probably the worst building material EVER.

If you look at the picture below, each waffle can break down into six pieces of Lego. The top of each piece looks like any old Lego piece with eight protruding studs. However, the bottom only has three holes to accommodate those studs, which means there aren’t enough holes for each of those studs. Every stud needs to stick itself into a hole or else it’s not going to be fun.

Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

I don’t know why there are only three holes, because it’s impossible to stick two studs in one hole. Even if I could stick two studs into one hole, since there are only three holes, two studs aren’t going get a hole. Do they expect us to stick three studs into one hole? Now that’s just insane and could lead to some possibly tearing.

It’s also hard to erect anything if the pieces aren’t hard. As you can also see in the picture, I had a huge erect structure that stood tall as long as the pieces were rock hard, but over time they started getting soft and everything just flopped down to the ground, which is totally frustrating for everyone. The only two ways to keep things hard for a little while is to either freeze or toast really well each piece, but either way, pieces will get soft eventually.

The shape of each waffle also doesn’t make it ideal for syrup. As we all know, normal waffles have deep grooves which can hold syrup, but the Lego Eggo Waffles have a shape that does the opposite. Sure you could flip the Lego Eggo Waffles over and shoot some syrup into those tight holes, but again, there aren’t enough holes to prevent the syrup from rolling off the waffle.

Thankfully, at least it tastes like a normal Eggo Waffle, but still, it does a horrible job of being a syrup sucking waffle and a Lego piece.

Although there are some advantages to using Lego Eggo Waffles as building material and I wrote a short song/poem about one particular advantage.

If walls were made out of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you.
No wall or fence could keep me away, I’d be your Romeo or your boo.
I would nibble away at your wall to make a hole to watch sleep my dear.
I would eat a little more of your wall to pretend I was nibbling on your ear.
The Lego Eggo Waffles are so light, I can lift them up with little power.
So when you’re in your bathroom, I can watch you when you shower.
After you’re done in the shower, I can grab your hair collected on the floor.
I’ll sniff them like I do with the underwear I stole that you already wore.
When you’re not at home, I’ll eat my way through a Lego Eggo wall.
Then try on your sexy black dress, but on me it’s way too small.
I’ll search through your trash to find something that catches my eye.
There’s a tube of lipstick and a used toothbrush I can add to my shrine.
Sure one day I’ll get caught and be sent to a maximum security facility.
But it’s also made of Lego Eggo Waffles, so soon again I’ll be stalking thee.

Item: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Eggo Waffles. If walls were made of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you. If you don’t use the holes and studs, you can build a structure.
Cons: Worst building material EVER. Not enough holes for all the studs. Need rock hard pieces to erect something. Stalking is bad.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough

At first I really thought these Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles were really cool. Not because they were mini Eggo waffles or the fact they were labeled “Limited Edition.” I believed they were cool because I thought if I stuck them in the oven and baked them, chocolate chip cookies would sprout out of them, like leaves on a branch.

Unfortunately when I tried this, all I ended up with were really burnt waffles, smoke, and a really loud beeping smoke detector.

Okay, so there’s no actual chocolate chip cookie dough in the waffles, it’s “naturally and artificially flavored.”

So next someone is going tell me that the cookie dough in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream isn’t “real” cookie dough.

It isn’t?

I could get possible salmonella food poisoning?

So I can’t bake the chocolate chip cookie dough found in ice cream?

No?

Dammit!

Well if these waffles don’t have actual chocolate chip cookie dough, they better at least taste like chocolate chip cookie dough.

Nope, disappointed again. I could taste the chocolate chips, but it tastes much like regular chocolate chip waffles.

What’s next? Is someone going to tell me that soy “milk” isn’t really milk?

It isn’t?

Shit!

Well I’ve learned a few valuable lessons today: (1) I should never judge a product by its name. (2) Eating real cookie dough could possibly kill me.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles
Purchase Price: $3.89
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No chance of possible salmonella food poisoning because there is no real cookie dough. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like chocolate chip cookie dough. DON’T BAKE THEM LIKE COOKIES!!!