REVIEW: Healthy Choice Beef Franks

Healthy Choice Beef Franks

I haven’t eaten hot dogs in a while. I don’t know if it was because of my fear of increasing my already dangerously high cholesterol levels or if I had an extreme case of subconscious homophobia.

It’s most likely the latter, because I like my gay friends. Wait! I like them, but not in that way. You know what I’m saying, right? I really like my gay friends. Wait! Um… Dammit!

I LOVE BOOBIES!!! I LOVE BOOBIES!!!

Well the other week, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I noticed the Healthy Choice Beef Franks were on sale. I swear they NEVER seem to go on sale. I honestly believe that the store doesn’t want me to be healthy, because the Healthy Choice Beef Franks almost NEVER go on sale, but those powdered sugar-coated brownie bites down the aisle are ALWAYS on sale.

Being the healthy shopper that I try to be, I compared the nutritional values of other products. The Healthy Choice Beef Franks had two or three times less fat and cholesterol than its “non-healthy” counterparts. This made me hesitant about picking them up, because I didn’t want to relive my experience with tofu dogs.

Figuring that there’s no way they could be worse than the tofu dogs, I picked up the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. However, when I picked them up from the refrigerated case, there was something strange about them, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh well.

I continued shopping and eventually ended up in the bread aisle, where I picked up a pack of eight hot dogs buns. I looked at the buns and a light bulb suddenly turned on in my head. Then it went dim. Then I looked at the buns again and the light bulb turned on again. Then it went dim again. Finally, after hitting my head against the shopping cart a few times, the light bulb stayed on and I said to myself, “Holy crap! Since when did hot dogs start coming in a pack of eight?”

Back in the day, I remember that hot dogs came in a pack of ten and everyone used to complain about how the number of buns in a pack and the number of hot dogs in a pack were uneven.

I wondered if this was the case with all of the wieners, so I zipped my shopping cart all the way to the other side of the store, narrowly missing several other shoppers and discovered that most of the hot dogs now come in packs of eight.

When I got home, I immediately started to boil water for the beef franks. About 10 minutes later, I was enjoying them.

I have to say that these Healthy Choice Beef Franks are pretty damn tasty for something that’s supposed to be healthy.

Thanks to Healthy Choice, I think can start eating wieners again.

Oh wait, that didn’t sound right.

Thanks to Healthy Choice, I can start enjoying wieners again.

That didn’t sound right either. Dammit!

I LOVE BOOBIES!!! I LOVE BOOBIES!!!

Item: Healthy Choice Beef Franks
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Low-fat, high in taste. Comes in a pack of eight wieners. I LOVE BOOBIES!!!
Cons: Still a little high in sodium, but that’s probably what gives it its taste. Hardly ever goes on sale.

REVIEW: Barq’s Floatz

Barq's Floats

Last night was waaay too fun. I learned a lot last night on Election Day.

The most important thing I learned: Watching the presidential election coverage on cable would make a great drinking game.

Take a sip if:
Anyone says “Florida”
Anyone says “Ohio”

Do a shot if:
Anyone says “too close to call”
Anyone mentions Gore in the 2000 election

Beer bong if:
A candidate announces victory, before the opponent concedes
Fox News projects Bush to win before all the other networks

Down a keg if:
Nader wins any electoral votes
Kerry or Bush asks for a recount

During the pre-election run to the convenience store, I picked up a few things to snack on during the night. One of the coolest things I picked up was the new Barq’s Floatz. It’s a frozen treat with the taste of a root beer float. FOR ONLY 75 CENTS!!!

They were so cheap that I bought two.

The Barq’s Floatz is exactly like those frozen fruit push-pops I used to get with my school lunch. You basically have to push out the goodness, like you would if you were trying to milk toothpaste out of the tube.

It tasted just like a root beer float, except without the spoon, two straws, and the beautiful girl to share it with.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, baby doll. Would you like to be the beautiful girl to share it with me? I got your straw right here, baby. Uh huh. Yeah, I know what you like”¦

W-w-what?

Oh sorry, been kind of lonely recently.

The only thing I was disappointed with was the size of the three-ounce Barq’s Floatz, because it takes only a minute to eat the whole thing.

Now some of you might be saying, “Well what do you expect for only 75 cents?”

Well in certain establishments, 25 cents will get me 5 minutes of pleasure in a small room with a window and a sticky floor.

So for 75 cents, I expect a whole lot more.


Item: Barq’s Floatz
Purchase Price: $0.75
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: 75 cents. Tastes like an actual root beer float.
Cons: Only 3 ounces of pleasure.

REVIEW: DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza

DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza

Phew. Thank goodness it’s over.

We decided to lift the self-imposed ban on food reviews here at the Impulsive Buy, because we would like to get rid of all these empty boxes and bottles of food products that we couldn’t review because of the stupid ban.

So that means food reviews up the wazoo for the next few weeks.

Also, sorry about yesterday’s “review.” We know it really wasn’t a “review.” We just wanted to be political like many other blogs, so we pretended to be interested in politics, like Ben Affleck does.

We know. We know. If all the other blogs jumped into a volcano, would we jump into the volcano too?

No we wouldn’t.

So we’re back to real reviews and the subject of today’s review was requested by Impulsive Buy groupie worshipper follower, Alisa.

She asked if we, in her own words, “review geniuses” could review the new DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza. After consulting with each other to determine if she did an adequate amount of sucking up, we decided to go though with the review and picked up the Three Meat Pizza version.

Just to let you know, microwave foods aren’t our best friends. From the exploding TV dinners to burnt microwave popcorn, we haven’t been successful whenever using the microwave. Oh, and let’s not forget the microwave pork grinds. Man, that smell lingered for days.

Although, we have to admit we’ve had some recent successes, like this one, but 99 percent of the time we screw up somehow.

Included with the DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza was a…Um…Crisping contraption, which we think is a black paint job and a few spikes away from being a S&M collar, but that might only be us.

After putting the pizza in the crisping contraption, we put all of that into the microwave and baked it for the recommended six minutes on HIGH. We wanted to watch it to see if the crust would rise, but we remembered what our moms said growing up, “If you stare into the microwave, your palms will grow hair.”

Or was that something else.

Anyway, we let the pizza sit for the few minutes after it was done baking. After tasting it, we have to say that this is the best microwave pizza we ever had that we didn’t screw up. It was like we baked it in a conventional oven and didn’t screw up.

The only major problem we had with it was the price. Spending $4.29 for a seven-inch pizza (don’t ask how we measured it) seemed a bit expensive. If they were on sale or cheaper, we would definitely buy them more often.

We wonder if Alisa will reimburse us.

Item: DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza: Three Meat Pizza
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crisping contraption worked well. Oven baked taste. No, really, it had an oven baked taste. We didn’t cause it to burn, melt, or explode.
Cons: Outer crust was kind of hard. Expensive.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough

At first I really thought these Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles were really cool. Not because they were mini Eggo waffles or the fact they were labeled “Limited Edition.” I believed they were cool because I thought if I stuck them in the oven and baked them, chocolate chip cookies would sprout out of them, like leaves on a branch.

Unfortunately when I tried this, all I ended up with were really burnt waffles, smoke, and a really loud beeping smoke detector.

Okay, so there’s no actual chocolate chip cookie dough in the waffles, it’s “naturally and artificially flavored.”

So next someone is going tell me that the cookie dough in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream isn’t “real” cookie dough.

It isn’t?

I could get possible salmonella food poisoning?

So I can’t bake the chocolate chip cookie dough found in ice cream?

No?

Dammit!

Well if these waffles don’t have actual chocolate chip cookie dough, they better at least taste like chocolate chip cookie dough.

Nope, disappointed again. I could taste the chocolate chips, but it tastes much like regular chocolate chip waffles.

What’s next? Is someone going to tell me that soy “milk” isn’t really milk?

It isn’t?

Shit!

Well I’ve learned a few valuable lessons today: (1) I should never judge a product by its name. (2) Eating real cookie dough could possibly kill me.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles
Purchase Price: $3.89
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No chance of possible salmonella food poisoning because there is no real cookie dough. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like chocolate chip cookie dough. DON’T BAKE THEM LIKE COOKIES!!!

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

This review is a very emotional one for me, because it brings back a memory I’d like to have permanently erased. I have tried really hard to suppress this memory, but for you, my loyal five readers, I will relive it.

It was the summer of 1990. As I recall, it was an extremely hot summer season, with days filled with cloudless skies and parched pastures. Without school, the each day was one long recess spent with the other neighborhood kids. The beach is where we spent many days, bodysurfing in the two-foot waves and getting sunburnt because we forgot to reapply sunscreen. But it didn’t matter because we were young, innocent, and free.

Saved by the Bell was on the small screen; MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” was played across the radio waves; and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets were the lunch of choice.

Oh those Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets, a delicious and hearty lunch I could eat outside, once I took it out of the microwave and let it cool down for a while. They were quite scrumptious, although I would soon find out how dangerous they could be to my wardrobe.

The one bad thing I discovered about those Hot Pockets was the possibility of the pepperoni pizza filling oozing out from the other end. The first time it happened to me was when I was wearing my green shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants. After taking a bite, a glob of cheese and pizza sauce fell onto my lap and onto my cherished dancing pants. I quickly reached for something to wipe the glob away, but there was nothing around and it was too late. The flimsy material was no match for the quick staining combo of cheese and pizza sauce.

I was devastated because I could no longer wave my hands in the air, bust a few moves and run my fingers through my hair, move slide my rump, or just for a minute do the bump. Nor could I break it down. From that moment on, I vowed never to eat another Hot Pocket again.

(Just give me a moment to collect myself)

So I had some trepidation when I purchased the Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express, but I couldn’t help myself because they looked so good and it had the word “New!” on the box in big, fancy letters.

Each box comes with two 5-inch pot pies, which were kind of small. It takes 2 minutes to warm up one in the microwave and 24 minutes in a conventional oven. I decided to try both ways.

To warm it up in the microwave, there’s a crisping sleeve that you stick the pot pie in. If I recall from the summer of 1990, they don’t do a good job of crisping anything. However, I guess crisping sleeve technology has improved over the past decade because it did a pretty good job on the chicken and broccoli pot pie. The crust was flaky and the filling was hot, although the parts that didn’t have direct contact with the crisping sleeve were a little soggy.

As for the conventional oven, which was a toaster oven, it did a great job of crisping every inch of the pot pie. The crust was noticeably flakier than the one from the microwave. Was it worth waiting twelve times longer than the microwave one? No.

Both of them tasted very good. The sauce mixed in with the chicken and broccoli was a nice cheese sauce, all of which stayed in the pot pie and stayed away from my favorite tight red leather pants.

Item: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Flaky crust. The filling stays where it should, so I won’t ever ruin another pair of shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants.
Cons: Kind of small. Microwave crisping sleeve doesn’t do a good job a crisping compared to a conventional oven or toaster-oven. A little expensive for just two pot pies.