Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone

Oh, I’m so lonely.

Will you keep me company, Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone?

You will?

Oh thank you, my dear and delicious friend! You’re a wonderful comfort food.

Mmm, your waffle cone filled with vanilla ice cream, cookie dough swirls, and fudge chips not only fills the void in my soul with friendship, kindness, and sunshine, like my Care Bears would, but also fills it with 12 grams of saturated fat.

My heart may not like your extremely high amounts of saturated fat, but I adore you for it. That’s what’s great about our relationship, it’s unconditional.

I maybe homely, clumsy, dorky, geeky, and suck my thumb when I sleep, and you maybe smaller than a Drumstick, but it doesn’t matter. We like each other for who and what we are.

Without you, Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone, I would probably sit on the couch, eat a can of Pringles, watch Nickelodeon or Home and Garden Television, let my beard grow out, scratch myself, accumulate stray cats, and form a body mold on my couch.

But you can make a hot summer day feel cooler and despite you being filled with cold vanilla ice cream, you can warm my heart.

Although, that could also be the saturated fat.

If only I could live in the freezer with you and we can spend our time throwing frozen broccoli at each other or making ice cream castles with the half gallon of vanilla ice cream I used to eat as comfort food.

Unfortunately, due to size constraints, the limited amount of oxygen in the freezer, and my lack of warm clothing because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I can’t.

Instead, to remind myself of our friendship, I keep your box outside with me because the picture on the box looks almost exactly like you do in real life, which is a rare thing with food products.

Do you know what the best part about you is?

Your waffle cone is surprisingly really crunchy and tasty, unlike other frozen cone treats I’ve had. Despite the harsh conditions and moisture your waffle cone has had to face, it stays strong, much like our friendship. Also, you don’t drip all over me like some of the other coned ice cream treats that I’ve been burned by, thanks to the chocolate coating inside of your waffle cone.

Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone, you’re so delicious that you’re like heaven in a cone and I think I would do something crazy without you, like read Dianetics or watch Larry the Cable Guy.

W-w-wait. W-w-where did you go, Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone?

I ATE HIM!!! NOOOO!!!

Man, he was good. Git-R-Done.

NOOOO!!!

Oh, I’m so lonely.

Oh wait, there’s two more in the box.

Oh, there you are, my dear and delicious friend!

(Editor’s Note: Go read TG’s take on The Cone here at NYCE.)


Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough The Cone
Price: $4.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. It looks almost exactly like it does on the box. Awesome comfort food. Surprisingly really crunchy waffle cone. No cone dripping. Three cones per box. A dear friend. Care Bears filling my soul with friendship, kindness, and sunshine.
Cons: A little expensive, but what do you expect, it’s Ben & Jerry’s. Smaller than a Drumstick. One cone has 12g of saturated fat. Being lonely.

REVIEW: Reese’s Klondike Bar

Reese's Klondike Bar

What would I do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar?

I think I’d do a lot for one, because they are pretty damn good with their Reese’s Peanut Butter-flavored ice cream and milk chocolate coating. They also apparently have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup pieces in the ice cream, but I didn’t see any in all of the six bars I had.

Unless, there weren’t pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Maybe there were molecules or atoms of Reese’s instead. Or perhaps quarks. Whatever amount of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were in each Klondike Bar, it didn’t help make it taste much like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. If it had visible pieces though, I think it probably would’ve tasted more like a one. Even though it didn’t taste like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, as I said before, it’s pretty damn good.

It also would’ve been cool if the Reese’s Klondike Bar was shaped like a giant peanut butter cup. Instead it came in the typical missionary-position-boring Klondike Bar block shape.

Besides the lack of pieces of Reese’s, another thing I didn’t like about the Reese’s Klondike Bar was the fact that it melted pretty quickly while I ate it. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and it’s 83 degrees outside, so I should’ve expected that.

Overall, I do think the Reese’s Klondike Bar rocks and I think the best way for me to explain how much I like these Reese’s Klondike Bars would be to sing a song. Just to let you know, my voice has the power to break windows. Although the reason why windows break whenever I sing is because of the people breaking them to quickly get far away from me as possible. In other words, I can’t sing.

So I’ll just write a song and you can make your own melody and sing it at your office, house, or American Idol audition.

The Reese’s Klondike Bar Song

For just one Reese’s Klondike Bar I probably won’t do much.
If I were a woman, “first base” is all I would let you touch.
For one, I’d let Kate Moss do lines of coke off my butt.
I’d even buy K-Fed’s CD and then kick him in the nuts.

For just two Reese’s Klondike Bars I wouldn’t sell my soul.
If I were at a nightclub, I would dance with a troll.
For two, I’d force Nicole Richie to eat more than a bread roll.
I’d even beg Britney Spears to use birth control.

For just three Reese’s Klondike Bars the list gets a little long.
Added to that list, is me doing a striptease in a thong.
For three, I’d boo whenever I hear a Creed or Clay Aiken song.
I’d even protect Naomi Campbell’s assistants when they do something wrong.

For just four Reese’s Klondike Bars there are many things I would do.
If I were in Australia, I’d get into a ring and fight a kangaroo.
For four, I’d shut Bill O’Reilly’s mouth with some tape and glue.
I’d even bitchslap Star Jones during a taping of The View.

For just five Reese’s Klondike Bars almost anything would be okay.
I’d put on a tight dress, clear high heels, and lacy lingerie.
For five, I’d watch The Tony Danza Show every single day.
I’d even try to find out if Tom Cruise is really gay.

For just six Reese’s Klondike Bars I’d do everything and more.
For elderly, handicapped, and MILFs, I’d hold open a door.
For six, I’d touch one of Paris Hilton’s herpes or syphilis sores.
I’d even spend several dollars and buy Reese’s Klondike Bars from the store.

That’s what I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Anthony for letting me know about the Reese’s Klondike Bar.)

Item: Reese’s Klondike Bar
Price: $4.00 (on sale – Box of six)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good, despite not tasting like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Thick ice cream bar. Great to eat when it’s hot or when you’ve had your heart ripped out by an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend. Actual Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Cons: Didn’t see pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Gets messy when eating them on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Almost all the things I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar. My inability to sing.

Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight

Dreyer's Slow Churned Light

Ice cream is one of the best comfort foods.

Since it’s cool, creamy, and delicious, it’s supposed to help people forget all of their troubles. It’s much like alcohol and Calgon, except without the hangovers and prune fingers.

Ice cream has helped me on several occasions.

One time I was flipping channels and came upon this movie. I stopped flipping channels and ended up watching this movie because there was this pretty woman acting in it. Well to make a long story short, it turned out that the pretty woman was actually a dude, which caused me to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream in about fifteen minutes.

Damn you, The Crying Game! Damn you!

Another time ice cream helped me was when I was with a couple of friends and we were hiking along the coastline and we came upon a private nude beach. I saw a lot of T and A, but unfortunately, it was only 60-year-old T and A. But what made it worse was that there were also many 60-year-old floppy schlongs.

This was bad because I had images of dancing 60-year-old boobs and schlongs in my head for the rest of the hike. When we got back from the hike, it took four ice cream sandwiches to help me forget about those images.

Now the problem with using ice cream to help me forget about my troubles is the fact that I have a lot of troubles, like running into ex-girlfriends, hearing Clay Aiken sing, possibly being molested by a drunk Tara Reid, hearing the Usher song “Yeah!” for the umpteenth time, and older white folks saying “bling bling.”

Because I have a lot of troubles, I eat a lot of ice cream, which means I’m possibly committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins: Gluttony.

Otherwise known as, “normal life” by hair metal bands from the 1980s and 1990s.

Sure, I could just eat low-fat or Healthy Choice ice cream, but then the troubling experience of dancing schlongs in my head will be replace the troubling experience of eating really crappy tasting ice cream.

If only someone would come out with an ice cream with all the flavor, but without the need to make frantic calls to Jenny Craig, like I’m Kirstie Alley.

Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Kent and Jobetta, I think I may have found that ice cream, Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light. It has half the fat and one-third fewer calories than regular ice cream.

The Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight I bought was surprisingly really good. The caramel flavor seemed to have permeated through the ice cream because it was in every spoonful, even when there weren’t any caramel swirls.

(Holy crap! Did I just use the word “permeated?” That’s such a big word for me. I’m so happy! My vocabulary is still growing!)

Overall, it’s the best light ice cream I’ve ever tasted. It’s creamy, rich, delicious, healthier than regular ice cream, and will help me cope when someone sees my ass crack when I go commando in my low cut jeans.


Item: Dreyer’s Slow Churned Light Caramel Delight
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Delicious. Half the fat of regular ice cream. One-third fewer calories than regular ice cream. Caramel flavor was in every spoonful. Me using the word “permeated” for the first time.
Cons: 60-year-old schlongs flopping up and down on a nude beach. 60-year-old boobies flopping up and down on a nude beach. My inability to distinguish between dudes and chicks.

Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs

Dreyer's Nestle Crunch Dibs

Did you know, in 1984, President Ronald Reagan designated July as National Ice Cream Month?

To be honest, I didn’t know, until Impulsive Buy reader Lauren emailed me to tell me.

However, I do know July is National Baked Beans Month, National Blueberry Month, National Picnic Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Recreation and Parks Month, National Culinary Arts Month, National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, and National Hug Yo’ Ho Month.

So in honor of National Ice Cream Month, I’ve decided to review Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs, which Impulsive Buy reader Richard recommended.

(Editor’s Note: Um, I don’t know why this is, but in some places they’re called Dreyer’s Dibs, while in other places they’re called Edy’s Dibs. I guess it’s just like in some places I’m called Marvo, but in other places I’m called That Bastard.)

What are Dibs? The best way I can describe them is that they’re like little ghetto ice cream bonbons, with a hard chocolaty coating on the outside and creamy ice cream inside.

The flavor of Dibs I purchased had a Nestle Crunch candy bar coating and vanilla ice cream. After trying them, I have to say that they’re just like most pop-punk bands I listen to, they were good, but there’s nothing that really makes them stand out.

Each container of Dibs has sixty pieces of cool, creamy, crunchy goodness.

Now sixty pieces may seem like a lot, but it’s not. Especially if you’re eating them during an episode of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 2. They’ll be gone in no time, not because they’re good, but because you’ll have too much fun taunting Gary Busey.

Dreyer's Nestle Crunch Dibs Closeup

“Hey, Busey! You want some of these Dreyer’s Dibs? Here you go. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth. Here’s more, Mr. Busey. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth again. I’m so clumsy.”

However, I should warn you. If you do eat an entire container of Dreyer’s Dibs in one sitting, I would suggest you eat nothing but grass for the next few days, because one serving contains 99 PERCENT of our daily value of saturated fat (each container of Dibs contains 2.5 servings).

Of course, this means eating servings of Dibs on a regular basis, will either give you a heart attack or make you as big as the cows that the milk for the ice cream came from.

So eating a container of Dreyer’s Dibs may have been dangerous, but I ate one for the Gipper.

Item: Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Cool, creamy, crunchy concoction. Bite-sized. Taunting Gary Busey.
Cons: Nothing really special. Very high in saturated fat. Pricey compared with a half gallon of ice cream. Only 60 pieces.

Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream

Keto Triple Whammy

I know. I know.

Why in the world am I reviewing a product that comes from a company that’s no longer in business? (See this review for details)

Well I bought the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream because I wanted to find out if it’s better than Bambi’s Triple Whammy. So I figured, since I tried it, I might as well review it.

So what’s Bambi’s Triple Whammy?

It’s not an ice cream, that’s for sure. I could try to explain Bambi’s Triple Whammy more thoroughly, but I’m kind of unsure of what it is. Unfortunately, I’m blindfolded and handcuffed to bed posts throughout the whole thing, so I’m not too sure what really goes on.

All I can say is that it usually feels really good (although sometimes uncomfortable), it’s waaaay more expensive than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, and I think it’s called a Triple Whammy because it involves Candy and Cinnamon, which aren’t actually candy and cinnamon, but are Bambi’s “friends.”

Also, despite her excessive use of flavored lubricants, Bambi’s Triple Whammy is surprisingly cleaner than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream.

As for the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, it’s low-carb, but high-fat, high-cholesterol vanilla ice cream with pecan toffee crunch pieces and caramel swirls. Plus, for the lush in me, it also contained three grams of sugar alcohol.

Unfortunately, there weren’t many pecan toffee crunch pieces, there weren’t ANY caramel swirls, and it turns out there isn’t a drop of alcohol in sugar alcohol.

Despite these faults, Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream actually tasted pretty good, although not good enough to help Keto rise from the ashes of defunct companies.

I’d like to give a 3 rating for this ice cream, but I have half of a soul, so out of pity, I’m going to give the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream an extra half of a rating.

Hey, when I’ve only got half of a soul (and half of a heart), I can only give half of a rating.


Item: Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Going-out-of-business-cheap. Much cheaper than Bambi’s Triple Whammy.
Cons: Despite what it said on packaging, there were no caramel swirls. High-fat. High-cholesterol. Very little pecan toffee crunches. Not as good as Bambi’s Triple Whammy.

Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream

Keto Ice Cream

(Editor’s Note: I was going to do a review about Valentine’s Day today, but I found a product that could actually help me get a Valentine, if their commercial is accurate. I’ll review it tomorrow and let you know if it worked. No, it’s not pheromones.

So instead of a Valentine’s Day review, today you get another low-carb product review. Yeah!)

When items are labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale,” there are probably several reasons why: (1) Expiration date is coming up. (2) Item has been discontinued. (3) The product isn’t selling well. (4) The packaging has been damaged. (5) Item was returned. (6) It’s crap and it totally blows. (7) Product is endorsed by Seymour Smith. Who? Exactly. (8) Possible store employee practical joke on customers involving bodily fluids being added to the product.

When I pulled out a pint of Keto Vanilla Moon Super Premium Ice Cream from the freezer case at the national grocery store chain I shop at, I picked it up because of the “Reduced for Quick Sale” price tag hanging from the shelf.

I inspected it to see which of the reasons above was the cause for the “Reduced for Quick Sale” tag. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell, but my money was on reason number six because of the three words printed repeatedly on the lid, “The Low Carb Leader.”

Now boys and girls, what have we learned about low-carb foods?

Let’s say it all together.

“They’re crap, they totally blow, and they’re a waste of money.”

However, after reading the packaging more thoroughly, I thought the Keto Vanilla Moon might taste better than other low-carb foods because it had the same high levels of saturated fat and cholesterol than regular ice cream.

Well just like my Super Bowl pick, my presidential election pick, and my pick to win Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards, I was totally wrong. Despite all the fat and cholesterol, it didn’t taste very good. It sort of tasted like Cool Whip…Lite, and I think I’m being a little generous by saying that.

After I read the package even more thoroughly, I found out the Keto Vanilla Moon was also high in dietary fiber. Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but the last time I checked, ice cream didn’t aid with bowel movements, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it REALLY helps with bowel movements.

But it’s good to know that I can get fiber in ways other than Metamucil, whole-grain bread, and a Taco Bell bean burrito.

I wanted to find out more about Keto, but unfortunately it turned out that they’re no longer in business. So I guess that explained why the Keto Super Premium Ice Cream was labeled “Reduced for Quick Sale.”

I’ll have to add to my list, “(9) Company no longer in business.”

So if you’re interested in trying Keto Super Premium Ice Cream, get yours now, because once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.


Item: Vanilla Moon Keto Super Premium Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Very limited edition. High in fiber.
Cons: Keto is no longer in business. Not very “super” or “premium.” Tastes like Cool Whip Lite. High is saturated fat and cholesterol.