Cheap Ass Bath Towels

One of the great things about bath towels is the fact that they’re multi-taskers. However, most of you may not realize the multitude of things you can do with bath towels.

Most of us use them to dry ourselves off after coming out of the shower. However, homeless people use them as blankets, bullies use them to whip the nerd and geeks in the shower, and former presidential candidate Bob Dole uses wet bath towels to test his boner strength after taking Viagra.

A few months ago, I was in need of some new sets of bath towels, because my old sets were…Um, old. Let me put it this way, my towels were so old that the washing instructions on the labels had faded away.

At first, I felt uncomfortable about going bath towel shopping because it seemed like something you should do with that special woman. It’s on the same level as thinking about what you’ll name your kids, deciding to have either a joint or separate checking accounts, or deciding who will take the dominant and submissive roles in your sado-masochistic sexual fantasies.

Unfortunately, being the bachelor that I am, I couldn’t share this occasion with that special woman, but I really needed new towels.

The first place I went to look for bath towels was the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. They had a wide selection of towels, but I wasn’t sure if I was willing to pay $6 to $8 dollars for ONE FRICKIN’ towel.

They can sell DVD players for thirty dollars, but they can’t sell bath towels for four bucks? Rollback prices, my ass!

Anyway the next place I decided to check out was Kmart, the home of Martha “M. Diddy” Stewart’s Everyday collection. However, despite my belief that Martha is a total MILF and my desire to “put my loaf of bread into her hot oven,” I couldn’t buy her towels, because they’re expensive and according to several Impulsive Buy readers, they suck.

So I eventually ended up at Sears.

Yes, Sears. The same Sears that has brought us Craftsman tools, Kenmore appliances, and where my parents used to purchase the husky clothing I needed as a child. Now it’s also where I found Cheap Ass Bath Towels.

Okay, they’re not called Cheap Ass Bath Towels, they’re actually labeled New Traditions Bath Collection and they’re exclusively sold at Sears. Anyway, the REGULAR PRICE for these towels was $2.99 for a bath towel and $2.49 for a hand towel.

They weren’t just cheap, they were almost child sweat shop cheap.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I too am wondering why the hand towel, which is one-third of the size of the bath towel, isn’t one-third the price of the bath towel.)

However, with all really cheap items there will always be some shortcomings.

For example, the New Traditions Bath Towels are slightly smaller than other bath towels. It measures two feet in width and four feet in length. It’s width is about four inches less and it’s height is about six inches less than my roommate’s towel, which he got from the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

If I was Shaquille O’Neal, the size of the towel would matter, but I’m roughly the size of Shaq’s leg, so it doesn’t matter to me.

Another thing about these towels is the fact they aren’t as thick as most towels. However, this helps the towel dry faster to prevent funky smells from forming.

If size doesn’t matter to you, I’d suggest the New Traditions Bath Towels. They are so cheap that it’s almost like you stole them from a hotel, from a homeless person, or off of Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

Item: New Traditions Bath Towels
Purchase Price: $2.99 (bath towel) $2.49 (hand towel)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap ass towels! Variety of colors. Made in the USA. Viagra.
Cons: Exclusively sold by Sears. Slightly smaller than most towels. Stealing from homeless people. Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

REVIEW: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo

I think I might be the last person on the face of the Earth to try the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. But I guess I should be used to jumping late on the bandwagon, like I did with Hypercolor clothes, Razor scooters, calculator wristwatches, acid washed jeans, and the second coming of the yo-yo.

I’m surprised that I’m not still living in the 1990s. Thank you VH1, for showing me what is no longer cool. Now where the hell were you in high school?

Anyway, I finally got onto the bandwagon again when I tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo, which is slightly different than the original. It has a blue absorbent layer on one side, which is used to wipe up things like a normal sponge.

If you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, it’s very simple to use. Just wet it like a sponge, squeeze out the excess water, and wipe away dirt and grime. Also, if you’ve never used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, you’re even more uncool than I am.

So for this review I’ve decided to also write a poem, which is very familiar to the Oscar Mayer wiener song, because I’ve had that song in my head all day for some strange reason. Enjoy.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel.
A source that could run my car for months, weeks, days, or hours.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a source of fuel,
I wouldn’t need to spend $2.45 a gallon on my car’s power.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a source of fuel,
But it got rid of the stubborn Gatorade stains on my kitchen counter.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
With huge iron spikes that were dipped in poison or hydrochloric acid.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a sledgehammer,
I’d use it on those damn German spammers and turn their hands flaccid.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a sledgehammer,
But it easily erased an hour-old Sharpie pen mark that was quite massive.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
With the power to cancel any show when ratings begin to drop.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a TV studio executive,
Reality TV would be gone, giving people 15 minutes of fame has to stop.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a TV studio executive,
But it got rid of all the crap that was on my white electric stove top.

Oh I wish the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
With a whip, stiletto heels, and dressed in a leather and chain suit.
Cause if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo was a dominatrix,
I’d want her to tie me down and step on my face with her leather boot.
However, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo isn’t a dominatrix,
But it erased what’s in between my shower’s tiles without me being brute.

Item: Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Duo
Purchase Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Many uses. Easy to use. Magically got rid of stuff without much effort.
Cons: Slightly pricey.

Method Bathroom Surface Cleaner

Method Bathroom Surface Cleaner

Over the past nine months, The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of products from the company Method because ever since reading an article about the company in the magazine Business 2.0, I’ve gone gaga over the company, like they were…

a. Opening day movie tickets for Star Wars Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith.

b. Google stocks.

c. Pictures of accidental celebrity nipple slips.

This time I decided to review the Method Bathroom Cleaner, which I have been using for the past few months. I like using Method products because they are biodegradable and non-toxic, which means…

a. I don’t have to wear rubber gloves when using it.

b. No taste of poison paradise. I’m not addicted to you. Don’t you know that you’re non-toxic.

c. It may come in handy when I’m really drunk and run out of Listerine to drink.

It’s an all-purpose cleaner so I’ve been using it to clean almost everything in my bathroom, like the shower, shower curtain, sink, countertop, and water fixtures. It cleans just as well as most bathroom cleaners out in the market, but when I’m done cleaning with the Method Bathroom Cleaner, my bathroom has a nice, fresh cucumber scent.

The cucumber scent was refreshing because most bathroom cleaners come in either citrus or chemical scent. Unfortunately, the Method Bathroom Cleaner only comes in the cucumber scent. However, this might be good for those of you who dislike cucumber because…

a. You believe zucchinis are much better and more fun than cucumbers.

b. They aren’t as cute as pickles.

c. You had a horrific accident involving a banana peel, a cucumber patch, and a particular orifice.

Despite the nice cucumber scent, the mist of the Method Bathroom Cleaner…

a. Caused me to sneeze.

b. Made me cough like a college freshman trying his or her first ever bong hit.

c. Irritated my throat as badly as it gets after a night of butchering every song I sang at karaoke.

Of course, on the packaging it says I should use the product in well-ventilated areas, but unfortunately my bathroom doesn’t have windows, just a crappy-ass fan. But then again when I was spraying it around, I was very liberal with it, like…

a. The amount of ketchup on my French Fries.

b. The amount of Raid I use on a cockroach.

c. The amount of facial tissues I use when I cry like a baby at weddings.

So far, out of the three Method products The Impulsive Buy has reviewed, I have to say that this was the least impressive of the bunch because…

a. The bottle wasn’t shaped as cool as the other Method products.

b. I have high expectations for a four dollar bottle of bathroom cleaner.

c. I’m bitter that another friend got married and I’m so alone…So alone…ALONE!!!

Item: Method Bathroom Surface Cleaner
Purchase Price: $4.00 (Purchased by Akiko and given to me as a gift)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Better smelling than most of the cleaning products I’ve used in the past. Non-toxic. Biodegradable.
Cons: Only comes in cucumber scent. Mist irritated my throat. My sensitive side that cries at weddings. Britney Spears reference.

Clorox Toilet Wand

Clorox Toilet Wand

If there’s one thing that makes me attractive to the ladies, it would be the fact that I’m domesticated. I do every chore around the house, like wash dishes, vacuum, take out the trash, mop floors, recycle plastics and glass, wash clothes, iron clothes, dust, clean bathrooms, and polish the stripper pole.

Sexy, right ladies? Sure I don’t have looks, but I know you like the way my dishpan hands feel. I don’t have emotions, but my Pine-Sol and Pledge scent makes me irresistible. I don’t have class, but I know you like how gentle I am hand-washing delicate clothing.

Trying to be sexy by doing chores is hard work and I’m all for ways to make it easier, so a few weeks ago I picked up a Clorox Toilet Wand. I also decided to pick it up because I REALLY needed to replace my five-year old toilet brush.

I could show you what my old toilet brush looked like, but much like people who have had too many botox injections, a picture of it would make you sick. Let’s just say that the brush was originally the color blue and now it’s bluish-gray with black spots.

What attracted me to the Clorox Toilet Wand was the detachable disposable Clorox-soaked brush heads, which allowed me to clean the toilet and then throw away the brush head, before it turned gray or any other color.

To test the Clorox Toilet Wand, I needed to get my toilet dirty. Fortunately, that only takes about three weeks. As you can see on the left side on the picture below, it gets pretty disgusting. (Click pic to get a larger image.) Also, if you look real closely, I think you can see an image of the Virgin Mary.

Because each brush head is soaked in Clorox, no other cleaning products are needed. However, I found that each brush head has enough Clorox for only one cleaning.

As you can see on the right side of the picture below, the Clorox Toilet Wand did a pretty good job of making my toilet clean enough for dogs to drink out of, even under the rim. It didn’t get rid of the hard stains, but a little work with a scouring stick and my not-so-muscular arms will get those out.

Clorox Toilet Wand

After I was done cleaning, I just squeezed the water out of the brush head on the side of the bowl, held the Toilet Wand over the trash can, and slid the blue button to release the brush head into the trash.

This process sort of reminded me of my days in middle school bathrooms with a couple of bullies…BUT I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I GOT MY REVENGE!

I was impressed with the Clorox Toilet Wand, it magically cleaned my toilet.

While looking at my reflection in the toilet’s water and saying my new daily affirmation, “I am a man, not a boy,” I began wondering what else the Clorox Toilet Wand could magically do.

Being the poor bastard that I am, I decided to see if I could have money magically appear. However, at first I didn’t know how to go about doing this. Should I use the Harry Potter technique or the Mickey Mouse Fantasia technique? I eventually decided that I would use Harry Potter technique and began thinking of spells.

I thought about it for a bit, then waved the Clorox Toilet Wand in the air, and recited a spell to have money magically appear, “Oprahus Bankaccountus!”

Nothing happened.

“Hiltona Inheritanso!”

Crap, nothing.

Then I thought about trying a different spell and decided to see if the Clorox Toilet Wand could get a not-so-attractive, slightly overweight guy really beautiful women.

“Keithas Richardis!”


“Ronus Jeremiaus!”

No dice.


Well I guess I should be happy that cleaning my toilet is now easier and less gross with the Clorox Toilet Wand. Too bad it can’t make polishing the stripper pole any easier, because that’s one daunting task.

Item: Clorox Toilet Wand
Purchase Price: $9.99 (on sale)(Toilet Wand + 6 brush heads)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Detachable disposable Clorox-soaked brush head. Easier to clean under the rim. I am a sexy cleaning machine.
Cons: Brush heads have enough Clorox for only one use. Replacement brush heads are pricey. Doesn’t get rid of hard stains. No magical powers.

Poop Water

Poop Water

(Editor’s Note: This review contains references to bowel movements and many different forms of the word “poop.” If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not continue. If you are comfortable with this and have a laptop, this review would make great reading material while backing a big brown caddie out of the garage. Enjoy.)

They say death, taxes, and our doo-doo stinking are the only three things that we can be certain of in this lifetime.

By now you’re probably used to the smell of your own dookie, but sometimes, depending on what you ate, the smell of your own Lincoln Logs can overwhelm you. Of course, there are many products out there that help with the smell of your brown torpedos, like aerosol spray air fresheners, scented candles, matches, and clothespins.

But there are problems with each of these things. With aerosol sprays, unless you want a shower of it coming on you, you can’t spray it while making a deposit at the porcelain bank. Scented candles take a while before its scent is in the air, and by that time, you might be done with giving birth to a buttsnake. With matches, you could possibly burn your fingers or have the urge to light your farts. As for clothespins, they just plain hurt when you pinch your nose with them.

Over the past year, I’ve noticed that many households here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been using Poop Water, which is brought to us by our friends in Japan, who have also given us such great products as the Sony PSP, Toyota Camry, and anime porn.

Okay, the product’s name isn’t actually Poop Water, I just gave it that name because I don’t know how to translate its real Japanese name, Toire Sonoatoni Kyoryokuittekisyosyu. You would think two years of college Japanese classes would help me translate that, but the only complex sentence I can put together in Japanese is, “Geri ga arimasu,” which means, “I have diarrhea.”

My poor Japanese language abilities also made it impossible to translate the Poop Water’s instructions. Fortunately, there were diagrams on the packaging which explained how to use it.

Anyway, this product is basically a deodorizing liquid for those times when the upside down volcano is erupting. Adding two drops of Poop Water into the toilet before, during, or after taking a Number Two, will destroy the smell of your Winnie the Poohs. After days of testing, the Poop Water almost instantly got rid of the smell coming from my butt nuggets.

It should also help when taking a leak after eating asparagus. Unfortunately, I hate asparagus, so I couldn’t test this theory out.

At first, the clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell of the Poop Water annoyed my nose, but by the third use, I was used to it. But then again, almost anything smells better than when I download some brownware.

After initial testing, the only reoccurring problem I’ve had with the Poop Water was remembering to use it while making a Madonna movie. Since the Poop Water bottle is very small (holds 20 mL), I sometimes don’t notice it, so I don’t use it, because as they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Although the Poop Water bottle is very small, a bottle of it should last four to six months, depending on how much fiber you eat.

Item: Poop Water
Purchase Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Only two drops needed. Works almost instantly. Clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell. Better than using a clothespin to combat the smell of caca.
Cons: Pricey for such a small bottle. Might be hard to find for most people. Might not remember to use it while building ass rockets.