REVIEW: International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate

International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate

I was a dumb kid.

Growing up, I never understood society’s romanticized view of hot chocolate. I wondered why people applauded its chocolaty taste, when every time I made hot chocolate it tasted bland and runny.

And why did they so happily warm their hands with the stuff on winter days, when mine got lukewarm and nasty halfway through?

Oh, that’s right. Because up until I turned [EMBARRASINGLY HIGH NUMBER REMOVED] years old, I thought hot chocolate was made by simply microwaving chocolate milk.

I was a dumb, dumb kid.

Perhaps by reviewing International Delight Hot Chocolate, I can atone for my choco-sins. This new refrigerated hot chocolate dairy beverage (“Hello, is this the Oxymoron Police? Yeah, it’s me again.”) comes in dark and milk chocolate varieties. I chose the former, figuring it was less likely to just be classier chocolate milk.

The drink claims to contain all the goodness of hot cocoa* after only 45 seconds in the microwave.

*In the unending civil war between people who say “hot cocoa” and people who say “hot chocolate,” I’m choosing to remain as neutral as a mug of Swiss Miss.

International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate 2

Pouring out the viscous liquid, I curiously wondered what “Cold Chocolate” would taste like. I also wondered whether “Cold Chocolate” would be a better name for an Android operating system or an Icelandic techno-pop supergroup. But that’s beside the point.

And unlike an actual feline, who would find chocolate quite toxic, curiosity didn’t kill this cat. Rather, I found the syrupy, chilled drink to have a dense, tasty mix of sweet, fatty milk and rich, creamy cocoa. There was no dark chocolate bitterness, though, so I can only imagine how cloying the milk chocolate flavor would be.

I suddenly realized that it tastes exactly like a slightly melted chocolate Snack Pack! I never knew that “pudding milk” was something I needed so badly in my life, but now that I’ve acquired a taste for it, I don’t think I can ever go back. This must be how Count Chocula got his start.

International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate 3

Returning from pudding nirvana, I actually followed the instructions and microwaved my 8 fluid ounces of Hot Chocolate. After a brief stir, I sipped the steaming, frothy liquid, and the first taste set off sad Price is Right trombones in my head. The heating process made the previously lovely goo much thinner and considerably less potent from a chocolate standpoint.

What was once whole-ier than whole milk was now more like hot 2% and Hershey’s syrup. The thin cream taste had processed cocoa notes that required frequent stirring to save from sinking into the brown abyss.

I’m no food scientist, so I don’t know what about microwaving makes this taste so diluted, flat, and even kinda slimy. Do microwaves burn off fat? If they do, those “One Weird Trick To Cut Off Belly Fat” banner ads are about to get a whole lot weirder.

International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate 4

But even a food scientologist can tell this isn’t quite real hot cocoa. Even adding marshmallows didn’t help; it was just putting sugary white lipstick on a pig.

I recommend buying this drink, but only if you immediately cross out the word “Hot” with Sharpie. Like that shameful misunderstanding from my past, it’s best if we all just pretend it didn’t happen and instead happily chug International Delight Chocolate straight out of the refrigerator.

Oh, and if you do, you might want to cross out that whole “200 calories per serving” part, too.

See no evil, no evil goes straight to my thighs, right?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 200 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.)

Item: International Delight Dark Chocolate Hot Chocolate
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Whole-y cold pudding milk, Batman! Becoming a chocolate vampire. Munching many mini marshmallows. Escaping childhood shame.
Cons: Completely fails at its intended purpose. Pretty much “Microwaved Chocolate Milk 2.0.” Wasting 45 seconds I could’ve spent microwaving Pizza Rolls. Taking the phrase “brown abyss” out of context. Still only owning one glass cup.

REVIEW: International Delight Very Vanilla Nog

International Delight Very Vanilla Nog

Are you one of those weirdos who lets vanilla ice cream melt into a liquid before consuming? Well then, Mr. or Miss Melty Pants, I know of a product that will save you some time if you want liquified vanilla ice cream. No, it’s not a microwave oven. It’s International Delight’s Very Vanilla Nog.

Speaking of weird, it’s odd to see an International Delight product that has nothing to do with coffee. Although, technically, one could use ID’s Very Vanilla Nog as a liquid coffee creamer.

To be honest, it also feels a bit weird to call this product a nog.

I don’t want to use the fifth grade tactic of using a dictionary definition to make a point, but I feel I must here. According to my computer’s dictionary, nog is short for eggnog. Nog also “a small block or peg of wood,” so feel free to use the word “nog” as new slang for male genitalia that has shrunken from cold weather.

Anyhoo, if we’re to go by the definition, International Delight’s Very Vanilla Nog is not nog. It’s notg. It doesn’t have eggs, cinnamon, or nutmeg. International Delight does have a Classic version of their nog that, according to the ID website, has “a hint of sweet nutmeg flavor and notes of light rum.” But it has no eggs, so it’s also notg.

Not having eggs in a holiday nog that has dairy is like having Thanksgiving without the turkey, Christmas without mall Santas, and Black Friday without the YouTube videos of folks getting into fights over cheap crap at Walmart.

International Delight Very Vanilla Nog Closeup

While International Delight’s Very Vanilla Nog doesn’t have eggs or the spices associated with eggnog, it does have a couple of ingredients found in most store-bought eggnogs — delicious guar gum and carrageenan. Wait. Did I say “delicious”? I meant, necessary to thicken this beverage so that it’s the consistency of melted ice cream.

Now with all that said, I wish International Delight’s Very Vanilla Nog never goes away because it really does smell and taste like vanilla ice cream, and, oh my goodness, it makes eating things you usually consume with milk much better.

Cereal…better.

Hershey’s syrup…better.

Oreo dunking…better.

So International Delight should just drop the nog name so that they can sell it throughout the year. Call it Magic Milk. That’s probably taken, so they should go with a different spelling, like Majic Mylk. I mean, if International Delight can get away with calling their Very Vanilla Nog a nog, they can probably get away with alternate spellings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 120 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and 15% calcium.)

Item: International Delight Very Vanilla Nog
Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 1 Quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smells and tastes like vanilla ice cream. Has a consistency similar to melted vanilla ice cream. Makes eating things you usually consume with milk much better.
Cons: It being called “nog” even though it doesn’t have eggs or spices. It’s weird this product has nothing to do with coffee. Getting a nog in cold weather.

REVIEW: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee

International Delight Hershey's Cookies 'n' Cream Iced Coffee

If you were to hack into the databases that contain my Safeway and Target purchases, you’d know I buy a lot of International Delight Iced Coffee…and Pepto Bismol. However, because I buy IDIC regularly (yes, I’m too lazy to type its name out, but not lazy enough to type an aside that says I’m too lazy to type its name out), I’ve gotten a little tired of the flavors they have — original, mocha, vanilla, and caramel macchiato.

The overcaffienated folks at International Delight (ID) have a long history of teaming up with other brands to make a variety of coffee creamers that’ll make any burnt office coffee (Except yours, Brad!) taste so much better, like Almond Joy, Cinnabon, Heath, York Peppermint Patty, Cold Stone Creamery, and Hershey’s. And now the jittery employees at ID have done the same with their iced coffee, creating International Delight Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream Iced Coffee and Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee.

The latter combines iced coffee with the flavor of Hershey’s I-Want-To-Say-They’re-Popular-But-I’ve-Never-Seen-Anyone-Buy-Them Cookies ’n’ Creme candy bar. If you’re one of those people who has never purchased a Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme bar, it’s made with white chocolate and tiny chocolate cookie balls. Although I’ve never seen anyone else buy it, I do purchase it on occasion and prefer it over a regular milk chocolate Hershey’s bar because of its flavor and it’s like a bizarro Nestle Crunch bar.

In previous IDIC reviews, I mentioned how the coffee flavor is heavily masked by the cream, sugar, and flavoring, but it’s somewhat noticeable. Well, with International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee it’s almost nonexistent, getting lost within the chocolate cookie balls flavoring. This causes the creamy beverage to taste more like a cookies ’n’ creme-flavored milk. This will be a problem for those who enjoy the flavor of coffee, but it appears it hasn’t been an issue for me because I’ve purchased three cartons so far. Actually, I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired of the other flavors, but this flavor is now my favorite.

What I like most about International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is how they nailed the flavor of the chocolate cookie balls from the candy bar. It’s as if they went the cereal milk route and dumped a bunch of chocolate cookie balls into an iced coffee with a lot of milk and then strained the liquid. The creme doesn’t taste like white chocolate, which is a good thing because I don’t think white chocolate milk would be pleasing.

International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is creamy and thick (Thanks cream and carrageenan!) and has a unique flavor that makes it taste like a fancy chocolate milk. A caffeinated fancy chocolate milk, I might add (76 milligrams of caffeine per cup). I’ll definitely be purchasing more with my Pepto Bismol.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and 15% calcium..)

Item: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: My favorite International Delight Iced Coffee flavor. International Delight nailed the chocolatey cookie flavor and it’s the most dominant flavor. Thick and creamy (Thanks cream and carrageenan). If it’s like their other flavors, it has 76 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Getting to type “chocolate cookie balls” several times in a review.
Cons: Drink something else or add more coffee to this if you love the flavor of coffee, because it’s like drinking Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme milk. Still no caffeine content listed on carton.

REVIEW: International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light

International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light

International Delight’s Iced Coffee regularly finds its way into my cart because last year it found its way into my heart after I gave it a positive review.

But every so often, when I place a half gallon carton in my cart, I think to myself, “Suck it, Starbucks!” and “All that cream and sugar is probably making me chubby…All right, chubbier.”

I don’t know if it’s because International Delight has seen me naked, but they now have light versions of their mocha and vanilla iced coffees.

Like the non-light version, International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light is made with 100 percent premium Arabica coffee beans. However, it has 1/3 fewer calories and 39 percent less sugar than their regular iced coffee.

Why does it have fewer calories and sugar?

Magic!!!

Actually, it’s because of the popular artificial sweeteners, sucralose and acesulfame potassium.

So it’s not magic. It’s science!!!

Although International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee uses artificial sweeteners, it still has the same 2.5 grams of fat and 1.5 grams of saturated fat the original has. It also has 56 milligrams of caffeine per 8-ounce serving, which is two milligrams less than their regular iced coffee.

While pouring International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light into a glass, I noticed it was much thinner than the non-light version, which I think is thick enough that it makes me feel like I’m drinking melted ice cream.

If you’re one of those people who tried the original International Delight Iced Coffee and thought to yourself, “Hey! I’d like a lot more coffee with my cream and sugar!”, then your internal voice will say the same thing about the light version as the combination of coffee, cream, and carrageenan goes down your throat. There’s enough dairy and sweetener to mask the coffee’s bitterness and to almost make a Starbucks Frappuccino blush.

International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light Closeup

However, the difference in flavor between the light and regular versions is similar to the difference between Pepsi and Diet Pepsi (or Coke and Diet Coke for you Pepsi haters or RC Cola and Diet RC Cola for you people fortunate to have RC Cola on your store shelves); you instantly know you’re drinking the light version. The artificial sweeteners were noticeable once the coffee hit my tongue and right through to the aftertaste. Unlike the coffee’s bitterness, no amount of dairy could cover that. As for the vanilla flavor, it was mild, but made the coffee taste marshmallow-ish.

As a regular International Delight Iced Coffee drinker, it’s nice to have a lighter version. Even though the artificial sweeteners created a significant difference in flavor, as a regular diet soda drinker, I didn’t mind it. So it looks like I’ll be putting International Delight Iced Coffee Light into my cart, instead of the regular stuff, and only thinking to myself, “Suck it, Starbucks!”

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 100 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Item: International Delight Vanilla Iced Coffee Light
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Still creamy and sweet enough to cover the coffee’s bitterness. Vanilla has a marshmallow-ish-ness to it. Fewer calories and less sugar than regular International Delight Iced Coffee. Contains 56 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Artificial sweeteners were noticeable. Thinner than the regular stuff. Trying to spell carrageenan. Using marshmallow-ish-ness. Coffee snobs will turn their noses up at this. Me being naked.

REVIEW: International Delight Original Iced Coffee

International Delight Original Iced Coffee

I’m gonna find me a long straw and make me a sessanta coffee with this half gallon of International Delight Original Iced Coffee.

What’s a sessanta?

What? You don’t stick random words into Google Translate when you’re bored? For those of you too lazy to click this link and then hit your browser’s back button when you’re done, here are a few hints to help you figure out what sessanta is. If venti is Italian for twenty, trenta is Italian for thirty, and a half gallon contains 64 ounces, then sessanta is…

That’s right, you guessed it…a bladder-filling amount of coffee.

Well, the International Delight Original Iced Coffee isn’t just coffee, there’s also dairy…lots of dairy. If you like your iced coffee as black as I like my iPads, you will not enjoy this.

There’s possibly an udder’s worth of dairy. How much dairy is that? Let’s just say when you’re drinking it you shouldn’t be around one of those people who might say in a douchey tone, “Would you like more coffee with your cream?”

Actually, it shouldn’t be surprising it tastes like it’s mostly dairy since International Delight is known for making the poor excuse for coffee your damn co-worker makes every morning taste better with their liquid coffee creamers that come in flavors like hazelnut, French vanilla, Cinnabon, and Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream.

But what about the coffee?

It’s made with 100 percent premium Arabica coffee, which is known for its never-bitter flavor and it’s the same variety of beans Starbucks uses. So if the International Delight Original Iced Coffee uses the same coffee as Starbucks, it must have a Starbucks-like price. For a half gallon, you’d think it would cost about a kigillion dollars, but a carton is around the same price as a trenta-sized Starbucks iced coffee.

As I said earlier, International Delight went heavy on the dairy by adding skim milk and cream to the coffee, both of which gave the iced coffee a pleasing creamy consistency. Or it could’ve been the ingredients gellan gum and carrageenan that gave it its viscosity. The iced coffee is also very sweet, thanks to the sugar and corn syrup added.

International Delight Original Iced Coffee Closeup

A cup of International Delight Original Iced Coffee tastes like I’m drinking melted coffee ice cream. But I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad thing. Because while this stuff is really yummy, I can’t help but think how unhealthy it would be to drink this creamy beverage regularly.

Yes, regularly.

International Delight is hoping you drink their iced coffee instead of visiting Starbucks, which for some of you is a daily ritual. Sure, by not going to Starbucks you avoid long lines, easy listening music, and the possibility of having your name horribly misspelled on your cup, but a 12-ounce sweetened Starbucks iced coffee with whole milk has 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, and 18 grams of sugar, while a 12-ounce glass of International Delight Original Iced Coffee has 225 calories, 3.75 grams of fat, and 34 grams of sugar.

Also, the carton says nothing about its caffeine content. I need to know how much caffeine it has because I need to supplement if it has too little, and if it has too much I need to make sure I don’t do any spontaneous parkouring to burn off the excess energy. After drinking it, I did feel a slight energy boost, but I’m not sure if it was the caffeine from the coffee, the sugar, or both.

Again, the International Delight Original Iced Coffee is damn good. It’s so good that will hold an open carton above my open mouth and bang the carton’s sides with my other hand to get every last drop of it. However, because of its high sugar content it would be a horrible idea to stick a straw into one and make it a sessanta iced coffee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Item: International Delight Original Iced Coffee
Price: $4.99
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: My goodness, it’s yummy. Creamy. Smooth. It’s like drinking melted coffee ice cream. Cheaper than Starbucks. It’s a frickin’ half gallon of iced coffee. Google Translate.
Cons: Too easy to drink. Lots of dairy. Lots of sugar. Don’t know caffeine content. It’s like drinking melted ice cream. Your co-worker not knowing how to make coffee.