QUICK REVIEW: MorningStar Farms Baja Black Bean Pizza

MorningStar Farms Baja Black Bean Pizza

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 5.65 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty, thanks to the slightly spicy Baja chile sauce which reminds me of a Taco Bell sauce (not the sauces in packets). Lots of fire-roasted corn, which added flavor, and black beans, which didn’t add flavor. Whole grain crust was mostly crispy, thanks to the crisping tray. Awesome source of fiber and good source of protein. Pizza was six inches in diameter, but was filling to me. 100% vegetarian.
Cons: Pricey. Corn and black beans not arranged to make a smiley face. Should’ve had more tomatoes. Waiting 16-17 minutes for a small pizza in a conventional oven (thank goodness for the crisping tray). Cheese didn’t have much flavor. I’m surprised it doesn’t have any of the fake meat MorningStar Farms produces.

MorningStar Farms Baja Black Bean Pizza Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 380 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 420 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 15% calcium, and 10% iron.

REVIEW: Domino’s Sandwich Slices (Italian Club and Garden Chicken Club)

Domino's Sandwich Slice Box

When it comes to new fast food items in test markets, I’ve always been a bridesmaid, never the bride. Seeing other people in test markets get to try delicious (or not) new menu items made me unreasonably jealous.

Well now it’s my turn, bitches! Eat it! Oh wait, you can’t yet. But I will. And I’ll leave any further bragging out of the rest of these paragraphs.

When I first got the promotional email from Domino’s advertising their new Sandwich Slices, I was interested; but once I read the bottom of the email, I went from interested to excited: “We don’t mean to brag, but we think our new Sandwich Slice is pretty amazing. And we want you to be one of the first people in Phoenix – actually one of the first people in the world – to try it.”

I felt like a pizza princess! Or, in this case, the Sovereign of Sandwich Slices.

The promo email also called them “The best thing since sliced bread. Literally.” If we’re going to go down the literally meme hole, I’d think maybe Alexander Fleming would object to this statement; although, you could argue that sliced bread played a part in the discovery of penicillin, so…penicillin, sliced bread, Domino’s Sandwich Slices. Sharing the spotlight.

Getting to the Slices themselves – when I saw them, I was immediately reminded of Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas. The concept is pretty much the same: the foundation seems to be part of Domino’s Oven Baked Sandwiches, which is then topped like a pizza.

Domino’s advertises four different Sandwich Slice varieties: Pepperoni Garlic Bread, Ham & 4 Cheese, Garden Garlic Chicken and Italian Club, but you can create your own with whatever toppings Domino’s has to offer.

I went with the Garden Garlic Chicken and Italian Club, because Domino’s suggested them and that meant I wouldn’t have to make any agonizing topping choices on my own.

While I chose two Slices with different toppings, they shared some fundamental similarities. First of all, the sandwich bread-to-pizza ratio was just right – there wasn’t so much bread that it overwhelmed the toppings, but the bread was able to support the toppings without caving or becoming soggy. That said, it wasn’t at all tough and had that oven-baked quality to it.

Each Sandwich Slice was 7-8” long. The banner outside my local Domino’s declared that they are “great for lunch!”, with which I both agree and disagree. On the one hand, it sucks when you’re at work craving pizza and nobody else wants to get in on that with you, at which point you can either get a sad personal pizza or a regular-sized pizza and look like a giant glutton.

Sandwich Slices seem like a great solution to this problem, except I found that one Slice wasn’t quite filling enough, but two Slices would have given me a case of Work Itis, which is never good.

Perhaps someone with a larger appetite than mine would have found two to be just right, but I think if they’d just extended their slices out to maybe 12 inches, that would have been the perfect lunch portion.

That said, I was pleased that the toppings did a good job of reaching all the edges of the bread. I hate when the first bite of a sandwich is nothing but bread. Well, the cheese at least did a good job.

Here’s the thing: if you’ve ever been in a situation where there are communal pizzas, you’ve probably done the Instant Topping Calculation – that thing where your eyeballs scan the pie, looking for the pieces that were blessed with the most toppings. Don’t act like you haven’t done it.

With the Sandwich Slice, you have to take your chances, much like you would hope that ordering a jalapeño burger from a drive-thru would result in getting more than one pepper slice on it.

Here is where we get to the individual Slices.

Domino's Sandwich Slice Italian Club

Domino’s describes the Italian Club Sandwich Slice as “Salami, ham, bacon and vine-ripened tomatoes over a creamy ranch sauce. Baked with a cheese blend of 100% real mozzarella and provolone on a slice of our signature rustic bread.”

I’m going to quietly ignore the fact that ranch sauce has absolutely no business belonging on something called an Italian Club, but I will say that it did work surprisingly well with the meats, possibly because it was very understated twang. While I enjoyed that, I guess ranch fans might have wanted more.

Domino's Sandwich Slice Italian Club Halves

Speaking of more, what I would have wanted more of was salami and bacon. My Italian Club Sandwich Slice was very ham-heavy; while this made for an enjoyable sandwich vibe, I do find it the most pedestrian of the three meats.

Domino's Sandwich Slice Garden Garlic Chicken

As for the Garden Garlic Chicken, Domino’s calls it “Grilled chicken breast, vine-ripened tomatoes and fresh baby spinach over a garlic parmesan sauce and a cheese blend of 100% real mozzarella and provolone. Baked on a slice of our signature rustic bread.”

I much preferred the Garden Garlic Chicken over the Italian Club. There was a piece of tender chicken in pretty much every bite, complimented nicely by the juicy tomatoes.

Domino's Sandwich Slice Garden Garlic Chicken Halves

The real star here was the garlic parmesan sauce. It went great with the toppings and was so garlicky I’m pretty sure I could have fended off a vampire from a hundred feet away. The spinach seemed to disappear into the background, but the sauce combined with the cheese and the other toppings more than made up for this deficiency.

All in all, I found Domino’s Sandwich Slices to be a success. While there were some faults, like the slightly too-small size of the Slice and the fast food vagaries of the toppings, but each Sandwich Slice was covered well and the bread base held up well in both taste and topping support. Not a bad deal for a $2.99 lunch treat.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on Domino’s website.)

Item: Domino’s Sandwich Slices (Italian Club and Garden Chicken Club)
Purchased Price: $2.99 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Domino’s Pizza
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Club)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Garden Chicken Club)
Pros: Nice bread-to-toppings ratio. Being in a test market! The garlic and chicken were delicious together. Penicillin. Toppings reached all edges of the sandwich. Instant Topping Calculation.
Cons: Not quite big enough for a satisfying lunch. Getting Work Itis. Not enough salami or bacon on the Italian Club. Bridesmaid dresses. Spinach seemed to disappear on the Garden Chicken Club.

REVIEW: Pringles Tortillas (Truly Original, Nacho Cheese, and Southwestern Ranch)

Pringles Tortillas (Truly Original, Nacho Cheese, and Southwestern Ranch)

I’d like to introduce you to the new Pringles Tortillas.

If you’re a junk food nerd, you’re probably pushing up your glasses with your pointer finger and saying, “TECHNICALLY, Pringles Tortillas aren’t the first tortilla Pringles…DUH!”

Yes, junk food nerd, you are correct. Torengos are the original tortilla Pringles, although they were their own brand and later brought under the Pringles label. They were triangular like most tortilla chips, concave to make them dip friendly, and had a uniform shape so they could be stacked, like Pringles.

Update: It turns out there were Pringles Tortilla Crisps before Torengos. Hat tip to commenter CulinaryZerg.

These new Pringles Tortillas aren’t triangular, but they are shaped like the potato crisps we all know and occasionally use to make it look like we have duck bills. They also come in the same cans some of us get our hands stuck in and are available in three flavors: Truly Original, Nacho Cheese, and Southwestern Ranch.

(Although, if you’re a junk food nerd, you might be saying, “TECHNICALLY, there are four, if you count the Walmart exclusive flavor, Zesty Salsa and they’re not the same cans since Pringles now come in taller cans…DUH!”)

Pringles Tortillas Truly Original

Truly Original Pringles Tortillas truly taste like triangular tortilla chips from a bag, although they’re not as crunchy and perhaps not as thick. If you truly stare at an individual crisp, you’ll see there are randomly scattered small holes. Because of them, you might be wondering if Truly Original Pringles Tortillas can truly handle something like truly chunky salsa. But don’t worry, much like my excessive use of the word “truly” in this paragraph, your concern in unnecessary because I was able to easily glide every crisp through a small bowl of salsa without any breakage.

Pringles Tortillas Truly Original Salsa

I liked Truly Original Pringles Tortillas, but I ate my way through the can slower than the other flavors. If I love a Pringles flavor, this is what happens: I’ll feel shame after realizing I ate half the can in one sitting, but then shake that off and eat more. I didn’t experience that with these plain tortilla crisps, not even when I ate them with salsa. By the way, the tortilla crisps’ shape does well as a salsa scooper.

Pringles Tortillas Nacho Cheese

As for the Nacho Cheese flavor, let me ask you the following question, “Do you love Doritos, but wish your tongue didn’t look like you’ve been licking Sesame Street’s Ernie every time you ate some?” If so, Nacho Cheese Pringles Tortillas might be perfect for you because they taste exactly like Nacho Cheese Doritos, but don’t turn any of your body parts into a different color. They have a flavor intensity that’s higher than a Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco shell, but noticeably lower than Nacho Cheese Doritos. This is due to the fact they’re seasoned on one side only.

Pringles Tortillas Southwestern Ranch

Since the Nacho Cheese Pringles Tortillas taste similar to Nacho Cheese Doritos, I wasn’t surprised to find out the Southwestern Ranch Pringles Tortillas taste like Cool Ranch Doritos. But just like the nacho cheese variety, they were less intense than the Doritos.

Unlike the Truly Original Pringles Tortillas, I found myself feeling shame after eating half the can of the Nacho Cheese Pringles Tortillas in one sitting and half the can of the Southwestern Ranch Pringles Tortillas in another sitting. And in both instances, I shook off the shame and ate more. So, yes, I very much enjoyed both varieties.

However, if I want a crunchy snack that tastes like Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos, I’m not going to buy these Pringles Tortillas, I’m going to purchase Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos. I like it when the seasoning accumulates on my fingertips, leaving sort of a savory digestif. Plus, the Doritos are healthier (I know. It’s weird seeing “Doritos” and “healthier” in the same sentence). They have half the saturated fat and lower sodium numbers than Pringles Tortillas.

But if you enjoy the possibility of getting your hand stuck in a Pringles can, demand snack shape uniformity, and want a nacho cheese tortilla snack that doesn’t make your tongue and fingers look like they stroked The Muppet Show’s Scooter, these Pringles Tortillas are for you.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz. – Truly Original – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Nacho Cheese – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Southwestern Ranch – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 260 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Pringles Tortillas (Truly Original, Nacho Cheese, and Southwestern Ranch)
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 6.07 oz. (Truly Original)
Size: 6.42 oz. (Nacho Cheese & Southwestern Ranch)
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Truly Original)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Nacho Cheese)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Southwestern Ranch)
Pros: Nacho Cheese and Southwestern Ranch taste like Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos. Truly Original is tough enough to handle chunky salsa. Healthier than Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos.
Cons: Truly Original is not as addictive as the other two flavor. Nacho Cheese and Southwestern Ranch taste like Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos. I miss the buildup of seasoning on my fingertips. Licking a Muppet. The shame of eating half a can of Pringles in one sitting.

REVIEW: Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins

Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins

These Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins sound odd and gross, although not as odd as grape-flavored yogurt raisins or hot yoga studio gross. The combination of peppermint and raisins just doesn’t sit well with me.

They even look weird and resemble items I wouldn’t put into my mouth, like dinosaur eggs, uncooked Rocky Mountain oysters, unicorn droppings, magicless magic beans, and the head of Garbage Pail Kid Acne Annie.

When I first learned about the Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins, I pooh-poohed it as a gimmick that finally allowed Sun-Maid to dive into the deluge of peppermint products this time of year, and I had no intention of reviewing them.

However, after coming face-to-face with them at Target, my curiosity nudged me toward purchasing a bag. It wasn’t an easy decision, like trying to decide whether to ride a horse or a unicorn, but, as you can see, I ended up buying a bag, mostly on the hopes that these peppermint-flavored yogurt raisins would taste horrible.

Fortunately for my tongue, they didn’t. Unfortunately for your desire to imagine me gagging and your reading enjoyment, they didn’t.

“Candy cane” AND “peppermint flavor” are listed among the ingredients which make it sound like these peppermint yogurt raisins have a strong winterfresh flavor that’ll help freshen your breath before swapping spit with someone. However, it’s a mild mint that’s at a level somewhere between a Mint Mentos and peppermint gum that’s been chewed on for 15 minutes. The “candy cane” ingredient also makes it seem like there are crunchy candy bits in the soft yogurt coating, but my teeth’s enamel assure you there aren’t any.

Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins Closeup

I’m not going to say they’re good because I don’t want to give the person who handles the Sun-Maid Twitter account the satisfaction of being smug and replying at me, “@theimpulsivebuy I told you so.” What I will say is that they’re not awful; finishing all ten mini boxes in the bag won’t be difficult; and the partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil used in the yogurt coating bothers me more than the peppermint and raisin combo, but they’re still odd.

So are these Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins the sign that companies have taken peppermint-flavored products too far? No, because I believe that moment happened last year when Pringles decided to produce a white chocolate peppermint potato crisp. So congratulations, Sun-Maid, for not being the company that caused peppermint to jump the shark.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 box – 60 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 2% calcium.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Sun-Maid Peppermint Yogurt Raisins
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 mini boxes
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not awful. Edible. Pleasant mild mint flavor. Riding a unicorn.
Cons: Peppermint and raisin combination is still odd. They look like things I wouldn’t put into my mouth. Use of partially hydrogenated oil bothers me. Yogurt coating negates any health benefit from the raisins. Riding a boring horse.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Red Velvet Latte

Dunkin' Donuts Red Velvet Latte

I’m a man who likes my coffee black, espresso sans milk and if I need to spike it with anything, bourbon will do over the Irish cream. Putting sugar in my coffee is like stamping the head of a penis on my forehead. I really do not like that.

What I really like…In fact, what I really love is red velvet cake and I’m particular about it. The cream cheese frosting is everything to me. A tad savory and not too sweet is a hard act to juggle (like tastefully mushroom stamping someone on the forehead). It’s a perfect combination of taste and sight as the red cake, contrasted with the ivory frosting, draws most people’s attention.

Red velvet cake is like carrot cake’s more complicated poetry writing sister who wears black horn-rimmed glasses and still listens to Bikini Kill. The ingredients are not as mosaic as carrot cake because it’s simply a chocolate cake with red dye. Yet it is deceptively simple because the flavors evoke an umami-like profile, mostly in thanks to the cream cheese frosting.

But drinking a red velvet cake? The flavored coffee drinks and lattes are blurring the lines since a lot of them taste like variations of milkshake flavors. I don’t know…maybe if you like those so much, you really don’t enjoy coffee.

Ah…Who am I to judge? Yet, I don’t think you do because the coffee/espresso flavors are often buried underneath that heavy syrup. It makes me sad because it’s the same as drowning a ribeye in steak sauce or when the priest guy got buried in The Omen (1976 version, damn it still haunts me).

It’s like when people tell me they love whiskey and then say there’s a great honey or an apple pie variant. Why don’t you just tell me to “do my mom in the garage” instead? With all due respect, it’s gross.

I don’t want my whiskey flavored any more than my coffee and I’m not sure I want to consume a red velvet cake that requires no chewing.

However, not to be outdone by Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts is really trying to make a dent with its own lattes. Some hit, others miss as miserable as Spike Lee’s version of Oldboy. Honestly, have you seen that dreck?

Needless to say, I was a bit more repulsed when I heard Dunkin’ Donuts created a Red Velvet Latte but my senses were dulled by Sharlto Copley’s manic and awful acting, I needed some sort of stimulus so I can feel again. I haven’t seen this over the top acting since Dominic West’s “Jigsaw” in Punisher War Zone (Best line, “I don’t speak vampire” to some Russian thugs).

It also doesn’t help the coffee looked like the remnants of a liver that was soaking in milk to mellow that “nickel” flavor. You ever see that stuff? It looks like eraser remnants mixed with milk.

Despite the pinkish brown color of the coffee, the wafting scent of a deep roasted espresso was enticing. It permeated the air around me and I thought, “This ain’t so bad.” The temperature radiating nicely in my hand was at the Goldilocks zone of just right. Dunkin’ Donuts seems to be pretty consistent on the hot temperatures of their coffees. I have to give them big ups for that.

Upon my first sip, I was surprised at the subtle flavor of the cream cheese frosting. It was shockingly yummy. It was followed by mellow yet rich milk chocolatey tones that washed away the frosting taste.

Although pleasant, I enjoyed that the cream cheese frosting flavor does not linger. However, what does hang around like a clingy in-law is the overwhelming sweetness of the coffee. Most drinks such as these, whether it’s from Starbucks or your local coffee house, falls victim to the gummy sugary dreck that chokes the coffee with no remorse.

The latte was akin to an over the top CGI action film where “bullet time” is used so much, it bores or annoys you to death (i.e. The God-awful Underworld series). With each subsequent sip, the sweetness was magnified to the point I got those awful “tingles” in my cheeks. It’s too bad because I was hoping to like this drink.

I would definitely recommend trying it since you have to experience “sipping” on cream cheese frosting, but the novelty wears off immediately due to the heavy handed sweetness that encompasses the entire latte. If Dunkin’ Donuts would dial the sweetness back, I would order this again. Besides, there are other coffee drinks I would rather inflict on myself before this one.

(Nutrition Facts – small with skim milk – 180 calories, 5 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugars, and 8 grams of protein)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Red Velvet Latte
Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: Small (10 oz.)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Cream cheese flavors are subtle and nice. The roasted espresso smell is there. Original movies are mostly better. Milk-chocolate taste is rich yet mellow. Sharlto Copley in The A-Team.
Cons: Too damned sweet. The pinkish brown color is disgusting. Remakes of foreign films mostly suck. You’ll get a better experience eating a red velvet cake and downing it with coffee. Sharlto Copley in Oldboy.