Jones Soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.
Actually, that’s not quite correct. Jones Soda’s discontinued line of vitamin enhanced water did, but Jones Soda soda has never been sold in plastic bottles.
Well, that’s about to change with their new line of Au Naturel sparking waters. Of course, this disappoints me because if I’m drinking one at a picnic and a fight breaks out, I can’t smash the plastic bottle on someone’s head or on a tree to make a weapon to defend myself.
Jones Au Naturel is made up of carbonated water, natural sweeteners (organic agave syrup, stevia, and pure cane sugar), flavor essence, and green tea extracts to provide a little caffeine.
A bottle of Au Naturel contain 35 calories, seven grams of sugar, and five grams of fiber. So it has the same amount of fiber found in a bowl of this raisin bran. The sparking water comes in three Ben and Jerry’s flavor-sounding names: Green Apple A Day, Lemon Limelight, and Orange Ya Glad Its Mango.
Au Naturel has a suggested retail price of $1.79 per 16.9-ounce bottle and will be available on the Jones Soda website and natural grocery store.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the lamest member of the Jackass crew.
I’m not willing to get kicked in the balls, have animals attack me on purpose, sit in a port-a-potty that’s about to get knocked over, or get my ass cheeks pierced together, but I’m willing to eat fast food items with 1,500+ milligrams of sodium and drink Jones Soda’s Bacon Flavored Soda.
There isn’t a word in any language that properly describes how vile this bacon flavored soda tastes. Shit, I’m surprised I mustered the courage to taste it because a foul stench of artificial bacon wafted into my nasal passages as I brought my mouth towards the opening of the bottle. The smoky, nauseating aroma put my entire digestive system into defensive mode.
Its flavor is extremely potent. It’ll grow hair on your chest, and if you’re somehow able to drink an entire bottle, it’ll probably grow a third nipple, as well. The bacon soda’s smoky and sweet flavor tastes like Jones Soda figured out a way to bottle the things that make babies cry: smoke and candy taken away from babies.
Speaking of crying, drinking it made me tear up. It wasn’t a happy cry or a sad cry, it was more of a frantic “Mommy! Please make it stop!” cry.
I only sipped my way though one-fifth of a bottle because sipping the reddish bacon soda is a chore. Every sip warranted several chasers of something that would get rid of that godawful taste from my mouth.
While those chasers helped wash away the flavor from my taste buds, they did nothing for the memories etched into my brain. Each sip made those grooves deeper and deeper, and it already has reached to the point where just the thought of this bacon soda makes me gag.
While my experience with it was bad, I really feel sorry for the Jones Soda employee or intern who had to taste test all the prototype versions of the Jones Bacon Flavored Soda. Because if the final version is horrible, all the test versions of it must have been worse.
I hate to say this, but I think Jones Bacon Flavored Soda has ruined bacon for me. I’ve said on a number of occasions that bacon makes everything better, but this limited edition bacon flavored soda proved me wrong. Now, just the thought of a bacon cheeseburger makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
Thanks, Jones Soda!
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle/12 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 516 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)
Item: Jones Bacon Flavored Soda Price: $9.99 (Bacon soda set) Size: 2-12 ounce bottles Purchased at: Jones Soda Website Rating: 0 out of 10 Pros: There’s a bacon flavored soda. Only 10 calories. May get you to quit bacon. Cons: Godawful. Hard to get. Pricey. Artificial bacon stench. Ruined bacon for me. The prototype versions of this soda. Makes me cry. Its flavor is etched into my brain.
Bacon Soda was inevitable, and it was also inevitable that the Jones Soda Company would be the one to do it. After years of producing soda flavors that no sane soda company would ever formulate, like dirt, turkey & gravy, corn on the cob, sweat, broccoli casserole and astroturf, it should be no surprise that Jones Soda was the one to release a bacon soda.
The limited edition soda was created with help from the folks who brought the world Bacon Salt and Baconnaise.
A pack of two Jones Bacon Soda with a tube of bacon lip balm, a package of bacon popcorn and a package of bacon gravy mix can be purchased from the Jones Soda website for $9.99 plus shipping.
I thought the original Jones Soda WhoopAss Energy Drink was mediocre and the outside of the can was better than what was inside of it. Well, the original WhoopAss Energy Drink is getting its ass kicked to curb and being replaced with a completely refreshed version.
It will now come in an all-black 16-ounce can with an Iron Cross graphic, bitchslapping the anime-inspired artwork on the original can into history. What’s in the can will also get the Vulcan death grip. The updated version of WhoopAss will be a deep bruise purple color, instead of the bright yellow pee-like color of the original. Finally, the new WhoopAss Energy Drink will karate chop your taste buds with an exotic, subtle fruit flavor with notes of dragonfruit.
Along with an energy boost, the new WhoopAss will contain the antioxidant kick of 2.5 servings of vegetables and help with muscle recovery. The antioxidants will come from yerba mate, grape extracts and green tea. It’s also stuffed with taurine, L-Arginine, L-Carnitine, L-Lysine. The energy will be provided by a blend of B2, B3, B6 and B12 vitamins.
The new version of WhoopAss Energy Drink will retail for a wallet-punching $2.39 per can and will hit the stores sometime in November.
When I was growing up, I made a list of things I hoped the future would bring. On top of my list, were flying cars, realistic female “companion” androids, and reversible pants. However, below the flying cars and realistic female “companion” androids, but above the reversible pants, I hoped the future would bring drinkable meals.
Thanks to the Jones Soda Company, the future is here. Actually, the future was here last year, when the Jones Soda Company introduced their Holiday Soda Pack. But last year, I was unable to buy a pack off of their website, after it sold out in a few hours, and I was unwilling to pay $50 for a pack on eBay.
Fortunately, the prices were much cheaper on eBay this year, and I was able to partake in the Jones Soda Holiday Pack.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with these sodas, it doesn’t consist of flavors you would find at a typical soda fountain. No root beer. No cola. No strawberry. No orange. No lemon-lime. Instead, there’s turkey and gravy, corn on the cob, smoked salmon pate, broccoli casserole, and pecan pie.
Mmm…Just like mom used to NOT make.
Drinking the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a typical Thanksgiving or Christmas family dinner in my mouth with all the fixing, and when I say fixings, I mean the dysfunctional family arguments, the complaining of the dry turkey, and the coming out of a brother or sister.
In other words, there were surprises left and right with each flavor and I hoped I would get through them without crying, injuring myself, or throwing up.
The corn on the cob soda had a very strong buttery taste. Too buttery for me. I got through one-sixth of the bottle and then had to put it down. Although, it is perfect for those who like to put butter on their toast, who like extra butter on their popcorn at the theater, and who have butter coming out of their pores, which causes them to occasionally slip off of the toilet.
The smoked salmon pate soda was the worst tasting soda of the group. It definitely had a smokey taste, and as we all know, where there’s smoke, there’s either a fire or a raging dorm party, and much like after a raging dorm party, the smoked salmon pate soda made me want to hurl chunks. Trying to chug down only two ounces of it was extremely hard. Every sip I took made me feel like Lindsay Lohan in a restroom stall.
The broccoli casserole soda had a surprisingly sweet taste. It tasted like pancake syrup. I’m not kidding. Go into your kitchen, grab a bottle the pancake syrup, chug it down, and after you wake up from your sugar-induced coma, you will know what the broccoli casserole soda tastes like, and you’ll probably want to get your teeth checked for cavities.
The turkey and gravy soda…Um, yeah.
There are various ways to cook a turkey. Someone can stick it in the oven for several hours, cook it rotisserie-style over an open fire, or fry it in gallons of cooking oil. There are also various ways to make gravy, like using packaged gravy powder, mixing turkey fat with corn starch, or collecting the sweat from the contestants on the show The Biggest Loser. However, the turkey and gravy soda didn’t taste like turkey and gravy prepared these ways. Instead, I thought it tasted like candy corn.
Finally, the pecan pie soda was the most normal sounding soda of the group and it also was the only soda that actually tasted like the dish it was supposed to taste like. It was the best tasting out of the five, but that really isn’t saying much.
Besides the taste, another thing that bothered me about the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was the amount of sodium in them. Ranging from 55 mg to 320 mg, these sodas were saltier than Star Jones after being asked if Al Reynolds was gay.
Despite most of the sodas not tasting like items on a holiday dinner table, the Jones Soda Holiday Pack was like a holiday dinner in one way…There were lots of leftovers, which I poured down the drain.
I guess the future isn’t quite here yet.
Item: Jones Soda Holiday Pack 2005 Purchase Price: $17.99 (on eBay + $12.99 shipping) Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: Only one made me want to hurl chunks. Good gag gift. Cheaper prices for the pack on eBay this year. Reversible pants. Realistic female “companion” androids. Cons: Most of the flavors didn’t taste like what they were supposed to. Caffeine free. Very high in sodium…for frickin’ soda. Lots of leftovers. Smoked Salmon Pate Soda.