THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 10/10/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

Call me old school, but I believe gum should be used to hide that fact that one has been drinking, not enhance it. (via Snack Love)

I wonder how well antibacterial pencils would do in a pencil fight. (via Office Supply Geek)

It turns out I’m a sick bastard. I thought it said “bukkake.” (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

The Black Jack Taco from Taco Bell has a black taco shell. I guess it sort of makes sense it comes in the color of death. (via Grub Grade)

For some reason, I have the urge to smoke these. (via ZOMG Candy!)

Photo via Wikimedia Commons.

REVIEW: Subway Buffalo Chicken

Let’s say you’re a slut or a manwhore (and if you are, congratulations on catching herpes).

Eventually, all the one night stands with those whose names you’ve forgotten become a blur, and you’re unable to tell the differences between who or what you slept with. Sometimes it’s a woman. Sometimes it’s a man. Sometimes it’s a woman and man. Sometimes it’s more men and women than you can count on your hands. Sometimes it’s just a hole in the wall. Sometimes it’s a gearshift. But you don’t remember. For you, there is no walk of shame.

I’m not a manwhore, but I imagine it’s somewhat like watching sitcoms on CBS, since I can’t tell them apart. This is also how I feel about the new Subway Buffalo Chicken sub sandwich.

The limited time only sandwich is made up of chicken glazed with a buffalo sauce, a light ranch dressing and whatever veggies you like to pile into your monster phallic sandwich. The buffalo sauce isn’t very spicy and doesn’t have a strong flavor, but it could be that the light ranch dressing is doing some flavor cockblocking.

Because of its light flavor and because I’ve wrapped my mouth around so many Subway $5 footlongs, the Buffalo Chicken doesn’t stand out and it’s kind of bland. It just becomes part of the blur of meat, honey oat bread, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, olives, and cucumbers. Sometimes it’s a turkey breast. Sometimes it’s a cold cut combo. Sometimes it’s oven roasted chicken. Sometimes it’s a veggie delight. But to this subwhore, at this point, they all taste the same.

But what about those who don’t suck down Subway footlongs on a regular basis?

If they’re looking for a low-fat meal, a six-inch Buffalo Chicken has just seven grams of fat. But those people better also love sodium and hypertension, because it contains over 1,300 milligrams of sodium. For some, that’s half a day’s worth of sodium. For a slug, it means DOOM.

The Subway Buffalo Chicken was unremarkable because when I think of Buffalo Chicken, I think of strong flavors, but this sandwich lacked it. To me, it’s just another nameless notch in my bedpost.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inches – 370 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 35% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Subway Buffalo Chicken
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Seven grams of fat in a six-inch sub. Rad source of protein.
Cons: Unremarkable. Weak flavor. Lots of sodium. Not very spicy. Doesn’t have a strong flavor. Light ranch seems to be a flavor cockblocker.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread

Oooh, looks like someone in Jamba Juice’s marketing department is a wordsmith. Only a skilled user of words could come up with the name of Jamba Juice’s MediterraneYUM California Flatbread.

I wonder if he or she is an admirer of alliteration, like I am, or gets sexually aroused when reading a Dr. Seuss book, like I do.

Jamba Juice’s line of California Flatbreads is the company’s latest foray into solid, non-blended foods and comes in other flavors, like the lazily-named Four Cheesy and Smokehouse Chicken, and the ridiculously-named Tomo Artichoko (which for those of you who don’t know Japanese, or have never heard the Styx song “Mr. Roboto,” is a play on the Japanese phrase domo arigato, which means “thank you.”). They look like mini pizzas or HUGE Bagel Bites.

The MediterraneYUM California Flatbread is made up of a flaxseed crust topped with grilled zucchini, onions, bell peppers and mushrooms, along with feta and mozzarella cheeses. If you’re expecting these to be as big as a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza, you will be displeased.

As you can see in the photo above, it measures at around 4.5 inches in diameter. Its size makes it seem more like a snack than a meal, but its four dollar price tag makes it seem more like a meal than a snack. If you think of it as a snack, then think of it as a pizza cookie. But if you think of it as a meal, then think of it as like Chinese food, because you’ll probably get hungry soon after.

The California Flatbreads are heated up by sticking them in a quick oven that looks similar to the toasting ovens used by Subway. The time spent in the oven gives the flatbread slightly crispy edges, but everything else is soft and quite chewy. The flatbread itself also doesn’t provide any noticeable flavor. The vegetables were crunchy and they make the MediterraneYUM taste like a supreme pizza without the meat.

Its taste isn’t bad, but I really can’t get past its small size. I guess this is what it’s like to be an unsatisfied woman who just had sex with a man with a small penis.

Overall, the Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread is MediterLAMEan.

Wordsmith!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 flatbread -250 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 30% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread
Price: $3.99
Size: 4.5 inches
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a supreme pizza without meat. Good for vegetarians. Crunchy vegetables. Uses flaxseeds. Reading Dr. Seuss. Mr. Roboto.
Cons: Tiny, smaller than a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza. Flatbread doesn’t provide any flavor. Pricey for what you get. Flatbread was a little too chewy. Unsatisfied women.

REVIEW: Jones Candy Corn Soda

If Native Americans knew we were going to create a disgusting candy that looks like corn and then make a carbonated beverage that tastes like said candy, they probably wouldn’t have taught the Pilgrims how to grow corn.

Candy corn is the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of Halloween treats because they just won’t go away, despite how much people loathe them. Actually, comparing those two no talent attention grabbers to candy corn is rather insulting to the white, orange and yellow candy that has the consistency of wax.

I wonder what’s the appeal of candy corn. I understand the reason why for those who purchase it, because it allows them to give extremely cheap candy to trick or treaters, but I don’t comprehend those who eat it. If I want eat something sweet with the word “corn” in its name, I’ll just consume kettle corn or one of the thousands of products that contain high fructose corn syrup or a chocolate-dipped corn dog.

Like a small catch while fishing, candy corn is one of those things you throw back to the place from where it came. I don’t know about the rest of you, but in my neighborhood, those who would give out candy corn on Halloween would find their front doorsteps littered with candy corn the next morning. Or if we had time, we would spell out the word “cheap ass” using the candy corn.

We did the same thing to those who handed out stacks of pennies, but by the next morning the front doors of those who passed them out were clean because the kids collecting for UNICEF would pick up the loose change.

While I may not enjoy candy corn, the Jones Candy Corn Soda might be the only candy corn product I’ll slightly tolerate, even though it’s urine-colored and doesn’t really taste like candy corn. Its flavor is extremely sweet and its initial flavor is quite off-putting, but once you get past it, it tastes like a cream soda with some spice, which I kind of liked, but it will probably turn off most people. It’s best when extremely chilled and quite nasty when slightly warm.

So if you’ve got some cash to burn and you’re looking to get something special for trick or treaters who stop buy your house this Halloween, might I suggest NOT picking up all the Jones Candy Corn Soda you can find, unless you want the short roly-poly cans thrown at your front door in the middle of the night.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Candy Corn Soda
Price: $2.99 (4-pack)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like candy corn. Limited Edition. Uses cane sugar. No high fructose corn syrup. Getting good candy for Halloween.
Cons: Small cans. Urine colored. Initial flavor was off-putting. Tastes like cream soda with a bit of spice. Getting candy corn for Halloween. Getting stacks of pennies for Halloween.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 10/3/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

It’s only the beginning of October and there’s already turkey and stuffing flavored potato chips, but at least it’s not as bad as Target already putting out Christmas decorations for purchase. (via Foodstuff Finds)

Super! Now I can create an almost all-encompassing interracial gummy bear orgy. (via ZOMG Candy)

The Mini Chill Relaxation Shot seems like it takes the essence of couch potatoes and lazy people and bottles it. (via We Rate Stuff and Gigi Reviews)

Zombieland looks like the real life version of (insert here one of the hundreds of zombie video games available). (via Pajiba)

Domino’s has new variations of their oven-baked sandwiches. I wish they would focus a little more attention towards their crappy pizzas. (via Grub Grade)