Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.
When I think of animals and energy, I think of fast animals, like leopards, eagles and stallions. I don’t think of emus. But thanks to Wikipedia, I was surprised to find out that an emu can sprint at a residential speed limit pace of 31 miles per hour (or 50 kilometer per hour). I just learned something new and I look forward to busting it out at Trivial Pursuit. (via Taurine Rules)
Orbit Gum is meant for those who have a dirty mouth, so I guess Orbit Mist with micro-bursts is meant for those with a (the following has been edited out due to its filthy content that makes mothers faint and babies cry) mouth. (via The Candy Enthusiast and ZOMG Candy)
Call me an old man who wants those darn kids to get off of my lawn and to stop skateboarding on the sidewalk, but I don’t understand this newfangled Colgate Cinnamint Wisp thingamajig, which is a mini one-time use toothbrush that doesn’t need water or rinsing. It seems like it has created its own level of oral hygiene somewhere in between brushing your teeth and chewing gum, which are two perfectly fine degrees of oral hygiene and I don’t think we need any more.
The Colgate Wisp is for people who want to freshen up on-the-go and it’s somewhat similar to the Oral-B Brush-Ups, except less environmentally-friendly and it doesn’t look like a Barbie oven mitt. Wisps are also not meant to replace regular brushing or to make your Troll Doll look respectable.
A Wisp is 3.5 inches long and is slightly unwieldy. Each end has a tool to help you clean your teeth; a mini plastic brush head on one end that brushes away food particles on and around your teeth and on the other end is a pointy tip, which I can only assume is used to clean your teeth by threaten dentists with it for free cleanings and check-ups.
In the middle of the brush head is a “freshening bead” that provides the nice, mild cinnamint flavor and dissolves as you brush. There’s no foaming involved or need to spit. The freshening bead takes a long time before it completely dissolves, but its flavor stops after a minute or two. Its bristles are quite stiff, so if you’re one of those people who plays hard, works hard and brushes hard, I’d suggest avoiding this product.
After using the Colgate Cinnamint Wisp a couple of times, I feel it does a decent job of freshening my mouth, but I also feel it isn’t very lasting or practical. Why should I replace my Orbit Gum, which claims to give me a “just brushed clean feeling” for a mini toothbrush that not only doesn’t satisfy my oral fixation, but is also kind of inconvenient to use. With sugar-free gum I can just pop a piece in my mouth and be on my merry way to a meeting, party or dealer. And I can keep that piece in my mouth for 15 minutes or more, throughout which it’s helping me produce saliva that helps fight decay-causing bacteria…or at least that’s what the interwebs told me because I have no formal or informal dental training under my belt.
With the Wisp I feel I have to go somewhere private in order to use it. I think it would be rude to use it in front of someone in public. I can’t just walk around with it in my mouth like I would with a piece of gum. It’s also another thing to carry around and I don’t have room for that. I don’t think Gap makes a cargo pants with enough pockets for all the crap I have to carry. I know what you’re thinking — man purse. But I already have to worry about too many “man products” like my mirdle, manziere and mthong.
Item: Colgate Cinnamint Wisp Price: $2.36 Size: 4-pack Purchased at: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named Rating: 3 out of 10 Pros: Doesn’t need water or rinsing. Does a decent job of freshening my mouth. Nice, mild cinnamint flavor. Pointy tip comes in handy when threatening dentists for free services. Gum. Cons: Stiff bristles. Inconvenient. Another thing to carry around. Freshness doesn’t seem to last very long. Slightly unwieldy. Not environmentally friendly. Seems weird to use it out in the open, unlike gum. Trying to make a Troll Doll look respectable.
No matter how cool the limited edition subway series cans that contain the Arizona All City NRG look, I can’t help but feel some trepidation about them. Not only do they bring back the upsetting memories I have of airbrushed clothing, they also make me feel like I’m in the wrong part of town and I better get the hell out. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know where the wrong part of town is.
The energy drink has a pomegranate flavor and is non-carbonated. According to Arizona Beverage Company, “Going ‘All City’ means going all out” and the All City NRG has enough caffeine, taurine and guarana to give you the energy to run away from the popo after they catch you tagging a wall or their police car. An 8-ounce serving contains 150 milligrams of caffeine, 100 milligrams of guarana and 1000 milligrams of taurine.
The Arizona All City NRG comes in 16-ounce cans and an 8-ounce serving contains 100 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12 and 100% pantothenic acid.
I’m feeling much better about my attempts to thwart aliens from reading my mind, prevent cell phone waves from reaching my brain and to prohibit Martha Stewart from brainwashing me through the picture radio, thanks to the new Reynolds Wrap Foil from 100% Recycled Aluminum. Now I can use an entire roll of it to make a foil hat and not feel bad when I have to make a new one the next day since the power of the foil hat lasts only 24 hours.
It’s made from post-consumer and post-industrial aluminum, which may include: scraps from industrial cable, automobile components, cookware, gutters, siding, and stadium seats. So perhaps, if you’re lucky, sometime next year you might have a small part of Yankee Stadium or, if you’re unlucky, you might get a little bit of Shea Stadium this year. The Reynolds Wrap Foil from 100% Recycled Aluminum is as clean and safe to use with food as regular Reynolds Wrap Foil made from virgin aluminum.
Even the packaging is made from recycled and eco-friendly materials. It’s available in 50-square-foot rolls in standard strength and 35-square-foot rolls in heavy duty strength, which is the strength of choice for those looking to prevent aliens from reading your mind.
After being tested in California, New York and Ohio markets for more than two years, it looks like the McDonald’s Angus Burger will be expelled nationwide from the sphincter of McDonald’s test kitchens. According to a report in the Chicago Tribune, the one-third pound burgers made from 100% Angus beef could be excreted this fall or possibly during the summer.
The three Angus burgers currently being served at test markets are:
Deluxe – a burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and pickles
Mushroom & Swiss – a burger with sauteed mushrooms and tangy swiss cheese
Bacon & Cheese – a burger with cheese, bacon, red onions and pickles.
Each Angus burger will cost around $4, making it one of their most expensive sandwiches. It’s unknown whether the burgers will be a permanent menu addition or a product available for a limited time, like the constantly-resuscitated McRib.
All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.
I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.
Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.
I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.
Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.
If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.
Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)
Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback Price: FREE Size: 12 ounces Purchased at: Received from marketing firm Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback) Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback) Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.