REVIEW: Pretzel M&M’s

M&M’s are quickly turning into the American version of what Kit Kats are in Japan.

With so many variations and flavors, I honestly can say that I haven’t had Plain… Oh, excuse me, Milk Chocolate M&M’s since they nixed the beige color that reminded me of the nurse’s office at my elementary school minus the ethnically diverse posters about how head lice affects everyone and how it’s good to wash your hands after pretty much everything you do, except after washing your hands because then you’ll end up on that show Obsessed.

Before even trying the new Pretzel M&M’s I knew I was going to like them, because Mars used my favorite M&M’s character to pitch them — Orange M&M.

He isn’t a sleaze like Red M&M, who I swear on the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s package had a rapey look in his eyes and was about to slip something into my drink. As for Yellow M&M, he’s simply Red’s lackey. And even though I’m far from being a feminist, my mother’s crazy burn-your-bra 1970s values rubbed off on me a little bit, because I find it’s morally wrong that the only female M&M is one ad away from becoming the first mascot to be on a Girls Gone Wild DVD.

I like Orange M&M because he’s on edge most of the time. Plus, he’s awkward and endearing, similar to Woody Allen. Although I don’t think Orange M&M would marry his adopted daughter (Red M&M probably would though). I also like Orange M&M because he always pitches the flavor of M&M’s I enjoy, including Crispy and Pretzel M&M’s.

Pretzel M&M’s are spherical and they probably could be used as emergency ammunition in a paintball gun battle, not only because they’re about the same size but because they’re as hard as the Red M&M gets when the Green M&M gives him a candied-coated lap dance.

I usually let an M&M melt in my mouth, because like a good little consumer, I listen to what ads tell me to do. However, I felt it was extremely difficult to do so with these M&M’s when I knew there were pretzels hiding in them. Pretzel M&M’s have a nice crunch factor as well as a delicate salty taste that might be too delicate for pretzel purists.

I can’t really call the rat dropping-sized nugget a pretzel; it’s more like a little, semi-salty ball that could be a serious choking hazard when popping them in your mouth during your commute, or when realizing there’s a sex scene between Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head in Toy Story 3 (Sorry if I ruined it for you).

Like the balls themselves, the package is quite small, but it’s just enough chocolate to tide you over until M&M’s releases another new flavor. Maybe they’ll take a page from Kit Kat’s book and make a wasabi pea-flavored M&M.

One can only hope and dream.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag (1.14 ounces) – 150 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Pretzel M&M’s
Price: 74 cents
Size: 1.14 ounces
Purchased at: The Store That Ironically Doesn’t Sell Walls
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice blend of savory and sweet. Orange being the spokescandy for the product and not feeling threatened by him. My mother’s feminist values. Lower in fat than other flavors of M&M’s. Woody Allen movies. Could be used as backup ammunition.
Cons: Might not salty enough for some. No wasabi pea-flavored M&M’s. The lack of a Brown M&M mascot (Seriously, that’s fucked up and maybe a little racist). Choking hazard for those not used to small balls in their mouth.

REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo

While most frozen food entrees that involve steaming, like the Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers line, come with a bowl to help steam the dish in the microwave, the new Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo is prepared differently.

Instead, they decided to chuck the bowl and, apparently, go the microwaveable frozen food feed bag steamer route, which you just throw into the microwave for five minutes. I guess a feed bag makes sense since we’re all just horses trotting through the great plains of life and need sustenance as we mosey along. Although I do wish Lean Cuisine included a strap so that I could attach the bag to my face.

Of course, I could be “domesticated” or “follow instructions” and pour the contents of the bag onto a plate and use a fork to eat it. But it’s just easier to place my mouth at the opening and let the Lean Cuisine goodness slide towards my face, like I’m trying to get the last potato chip crumbs. Sure, the hot white meat chicken, penne pasta, broccoli, yellow carrots, orange carrots and Alfredo sauce in the bag burned my face, but to me the first-degree burns were worth it because I didn’t have to wash dishes.

Yes, I am one lazy mofo.

But I won’t have to worry about those burns anymore because the Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo is something I would not eat again.

While there were ample amounts of chicken and vegetables; the noodles came out just right; the vegetables didn’t turn out soggy; and it, surprisingly, looks really good in the photo above, especially the vegetables, its flavor wasn’t equally as appealing. Its biggest downfall was the chicken, which seemed like it was marinated in Mexican spices, making it taste like someone snuck in some Taco Bell into my Lean Cuisine.

The sauce could’ve been the lifesaver here and masked the flavor of the chicken, but since it’s a Lean Cuisine meal the sauce can’t be rich or too flavorful, unless it wants to be called Tubby Cuisine or Hungry-Man. But even if the Alfredo sauce is kind of bland, having a good amount of it in the bag might’ve helped, but there’s barely enough to coat everything.

I guess you could say they’re being “lean” with the Alfredo sauce. Or you could also say they’re being “lazy” with the Alfredo sauce, just as lazy as me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 280 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 970 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 70% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 30% vitamin C and 10% iron.)

Other Lean Cuisine Market Creations reviews:
Freezer Burns (Asiago Cheese Tortelloni)

Item: Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo
Price: $4.99
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Looks good, especially the vegetables. Lots of chicken, vegetables and penne pasta. No preservatives. Filling. Low in saturated fat. Contains poly- and monounsaturated fats. Can eat it straight from the bag, if you’re lazy or don’t follow instructions.
Cons: Chicken tasted weird, like it was marinated in Mexican spices. Barely enough Alfredo sauce to coat ingredients. Burns from eating it straight out of the bag. Being a lazy mofo. No strap included to attach bag to my face.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Have Bottles of Baobab

I have two unopened bottles of the limited edition Pepsi Baobab, which I reviewed last week.

There are a number of things I could do with those bottles, like sell them on eBay for $5 plus shipping; wait six months, let them become more scarce and then sell them on eBay for $7 plus shipping; or wait five years, sell them on eBay for $10 plus shipping and hope the buyer doesn’t give me negative feedback when they get sick from drinking a five year old soda. Or I could have an Impulsive Buy prize drawing and have two lucky readers each win a bottle.

Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.

To enter The Impulsive Buy’s Pepsi Baobab prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. You may say whatever you like, but your comment MUST include what your favorite fruit is.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Sunday, June 27, 2010 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s open to everyone who’s 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you links to cute cat videos that you’ve probably already seen. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you cute cat photos. Bribes will not be accepted. Offering kittens will not influence the results. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or cutsy wootsy kitty cats that warm your cold heart and bring a smile to your face.

REVIEW: DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza

Chicago, I know you’re still celebrating your Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup, but I want to bring something negative to your attention that would probably get lost if I mentioned it while your anger from the Cubs not winning a World Series for the 103rd straight year erupts.

I just want to let you know that DiGiorno has a new deep dish pepperoni pizza. Well, at least they’re calling it a “deep dish pizza” because if you saw it for yourself, you would boo it hard, just like you do every time Brett Favre steps on Soldier Field.

Chicago is the birthplace of the deep dish pizza and as someone who has had a Chicago-style deep dish pizza from Giordano’s Pizzeria (and thinks it’s frickin’ awesome), I believe the Windy City should be appalled at DiGiorno’s poor attempt to create a deep dish pizza. I also believe the Second City should use the most powerful person in the Free World that comes from the great state of Illinois to stop DiGiorno from tainting the greatness of the deep dish pizza.

No, I’m not talking about President Zombie Abraham Lincoln, I’m talking about Oprah.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing a deep dish pizza, it’s like a large bowl that’s made of crust that’s filled with tomato sauce, cheese, sausage and other ingredients. However, the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza isn’t at all like that and is basically a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza, except slightly smaller, with a less crispy crust, with a slightly better tasting sauce and would probably make the late Linda Lovelace say, “I know deep, and that’s not deep.”

While I believe the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza isn’t a good deep dish pizza because there isn’t enough filling in it to be considered a deep dish pizza, I do think it’s a good microwaveable pizza. The cooking tray does a decent job of making the pizza’s bottom crust a little crispy. On top of that crust is a few pepperoni slices that are cut into fourths, not enough cheese and a decent amount of sauce, which I thought was quite tasty and had a slight spiciness.

Overall, the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza is a fine microwaveable pizza, but calling itself a deep dish pizza is a stretch, just like it’s a stretch when anyone on a New Jersey-based reality show calls themself a celebrity or nicely tanned.

(Nutrition Facts – Whole Pizza – 590 calories, 33 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 35% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A good microwaveable pizza for one. Tasty sauce. My ability to learn about Chicago though Wikipedia. Nice source of calcium, iron, and protein. Cooking tray does a decent job of crisping the crust. Oprah. President Zombie Abraham Lincoln.
Cons: Not a true deep dish pizza. It’s basically a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza. Not enough cheese. Awesome source of saturated fat and sodium. Contains trans fat. Linda Lovelace would probably not approve of its deepness. Spray on tans that make you look orange. The Chicago Cubs’ futility.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 6/19/2010

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we like.

If you thought Cookie Monster was frenzied before, imagine him on caffeinated cookies. COOKIE!!! (via ED Junkie)

With the Shrek franchise coming to an end, expect the number of bright green colored products that promote the movie to disappear and then expect bright blue colored products to promote next year’s Smurf movie to replace them. (via The Candy Enthusiast)

The bright green color found in this mint candy bar is unusual enough that it might turn people off. If only there was a cartoon movie franchise that would make the color more appealing. (via Jim’s Chocolate Mission)

Adam over at Grub Grade got it his way at Burger King and created the Cluck Double, which combines two BK Spicy Chick’n Crisp filets, cheese, lettuce, ketchup and mustard in between a bun. I really hope the next custom sandwich he makes is called the Chicken Coop and is made up of ten BK chicken sandwich patties stacked on top of each other in between a bun and wrapped in a net made of bacon. (via Grub Grade)

Bearded Dr. Andrew Weil has a line of line organic fruit and nut bars. I hope another organic ingredient included is Dr. Weil’s beard trimmings. (via I Ate A Pie)

This pen holder is cool. But you know what else makes a cool pen holder? A desk. (via Office Supply Geek)