Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

Growing up, I only knew of two types of cereal: “Icky” and “Yummy.”

“Icky” cereal consisted of Wheaties, Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes, Total, Bran Flakes, Raisin Bran, and any other healthy cereal that had a doo-doo brown color.

The “Yummy” cereal was anything that had ANY the following: Rainbow colors, marshmallows, chocolate flavor, fun shapes, free toys, puzzles on the back of the box, and enough sugar to keep me hyperactive until lunch.

I avoided “Icky” cereals, but my parents felt like I needed a change in my diet due to the fact I suddenly needed to wear “husky” clothing in the third grade. How did they try to change my diet? They used the age-old, time-tested parenting technique called, “deception.”

They once bought Corn Flakes and tried to pass it off to me as Frosted Flakes. Despite my early-morning-low-blood sugar mind, I realized that it really wasn’t Frosted Flakes. So while they got ready for work, I dumped a few tablespoons of sugar over the Corn Flakes.

Eventually, my parents caught on and started buying me “Yummy” cereal again.

As my age and my fear of diabetes increased, I began to eat less of the “Yummy” and more of the “Icky.”

I slowly began to find out that some of the “Icky” was actually kind of “Yummy.”

Recently, cereal companies have been trying to make the “Icky” cereal less “Icky” by adding real fruits.

These cereals include Berry Burst Cheerios with Strawberries and today’s review subject, Corn Flakes With Real Bananas.

The bananas they put in with the Corn Flakes are real bananas in the form of banana chips. You know, the same kind of banana chips you get from hippy health food stores and the same type you make with the Ronco Food Dehydrator. You know, the Ronco Food Dehydrator, makes banana chips in days, makes beef jerky in days, makes really impatient people want to grab an aluminum bat and give the Ronco Food Dehydrator a beat down.

At first I was skeptical that adding banana chips would make the “Icky” Corn Flakes taste better, but I was pleasantly surprised with how good it was. I don’t know how many banana chips they put in each box, but I could taste the banana goodness with almost every spoonful.

The only problem I had was the corn flakes getting really soggy after a few minutes in the milk, although the banana chips did stay crunchy. After the first bowl, I helped myself to another, thinking the first bowl was a fluke and the cereal couldn’t be this good, but it really was good.

Why didn’t the cereal companies think of this sooner?

Now I know what you all are thinking, since they’re putting bananas in Corn Flakes and strawberries in Cheerios, isn’t it about time they put grapes in Grape Nuts?

Because Grape Nuts are “Icky.”


Item: Corn Flakes With Real Bananas
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Banana chips stay crunchy. Lots of banana chips.
Cons: Corn flakes don’t stay crunchy for long. Would suck without the banana chips.

Apple iPod Repair Service

iPod Repair

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” was my initial reaction when my iPod stopped working.

The next thing that came to my mind was: How the hell was I going to drown out the world and the voices in my head without my iPod?

YOU WILL BUY CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL FOR MINORS!!!

I thought about alcohol, but that would get expensive if I’m drinking as often as I listen to my iPod. That would also eventually lead to Alcohol Anonymous meetings and a liver transplant.

I thought about sticking a finger in each ear and repeatedly chant “la, la, la, la,” but that would lead to a mental institution.

YOU WILL SILENTLY FART IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR AND BLAME SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Okay, before I could think about drowning out the world and the voices, I needed to get my iPod repaired.

Fortunately, requesting a repair is easy to do on the Apple website in the iPod support section (www.apple.com/support/ipod/). Just click on the request repair link and that will lead you to various online forms you need to fill out. After you fill out the forms, you’ll get an email saying a box will be shipped to you. The box, which comes with enough foam padding to possibly win any egg drop contest, arrived the next day.

YOU WILL GET TATTOOS ON YOUR ASS WITH “WIDE” ON ONE CHEEK AND “LOAD” ON THE OTHER!!!

So now that my iPod was on its way for repairs, I could concentrate on drowning out the world and the voices in my head. But what could I do?

NOTHING!!! YOU ARE MINE TO CONTROL!!!

CDs? Carry around four and a half inch disks that can hold around fifteen songs? I probably would have, but I didn’t own a CD player.

Or I could’ve listened to the radio with its commercials and obnoxious DJs. Ha! I spit in the face of radio! Ptwooie!

I couldn’t think of anything so I had to tolerate the world and do what the voices in my head told me to do.

YOU WILL GO ON THE GAME SHOW JEOPARDY AND ALWAYS GIVE THE ANSWER “WHAT IS POOP?”

Several times a day I was checking the iPod support site to see how the repairs were progressing. For a whole week nothing happened. Then finally on Wednesday, the iPod support site said another iPod was ordered for me and it was shipped the same day.

I thought I would get it the next day, but that didn’t happen because of the delivery guy. The problem with him, who has delivered stuff to me before, is that he knocks really softly. You would think having the ability to knock loud enough to get a person’s attention would be in the job description, along with able to lift heavy loads, knows roadways, good customer service, and have an excellent driving record.

YOU WILL OPEN A STARBUCKS!!!

So I didn’t hear him knock when he first attempted to deliver my iPod to me, the day after it shipped. Instead I was left with a note saying he will try to deliver it the next day.

The next day I waited for the delivery guy in the living room with the front door of my apartment open. He arrived at around 1:00pm and I had my iPod connected to my computer minutes later.

YOU WILL VOTE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION!!!

It was pretty crazy without my iPod but everything in my world is now balanced again and the voices in my head stopped.

NO YOU CANNOT STOP ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! NOOOOO!!!

From this experience, I learned a valuable lesson.

I need a backup iPod.


Item: Apple iPod Repair Service
Purchase Price: FREE (iPod was under one year warranty)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Overnight shipping. Got a new iPod. I can tune out the world.
Cons: Almost two weeks without my iPod.

REVIEW: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

I’m a sucker for things that are shaped like hourglasses, like board game timers and Victorian women with very tight corsets. It was this attraction that made me notice the hourglass-shaped bottle of POM Wonderful Pomegranate in one of the refrigerated cases at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

There were only two flavors in stock, mango and cherry (They also come in tangerine, blueberry, and, of course, pomegranate). I decided to pick the mango, because I love mango and it’s considered to be an aphrodisiac. However, I don’t know about that aphrodisiac part, because every time I’ve eaten mango, I’ve been alone…so alone. (tear)

The thing most noticeable about the POM, besides the hourglass-shaped bottle, was the fact it may have been labeled mango-flavored, but it surely wasn’t mango-colored. Instead it was a dark, cola-like color. For a moment I thought to myself, “The only time mangoes look dark like that is when they’re rotting.”

Then I thought, “Sure it’s not mango-colored, but I’m positive it’s got to taste like mango. What company in their right mind would produce a product labeled mango-flavored and it not be mango-flavored?”

(One 16 oz. POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate bottle later)

Apparently I have found what could possibly be the ONLY mango product on the face of the Earth that isn’t mango-colored and doesn’t taste like mango. Instead it has this tart cranberry-type of flavor to it, which is probably the pomegranate overpowering the mango.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What’s pomegranate?” Well sit back boys and girls, here’s your health food lesson for the day.

Pomegranate is a red fruit and its juice is considered to be one of the healthiest around. It’s a wonderful source of potassium, vitamin C, polyphenols, flavonoids, antioxidants, and a bunch of other healthy things with long names. A glass of it has more antioxidants than a glass of red wine. Of course the real big difference between the two is when you drink large amounts of pomegranate all you get is a big dose of antioxidants, and when you drink large amounts of red wine you may end up with a hangover, unwanted pregnancy, photocopies of your buttocks at work, or all three.

Sounds healthy? Yes it is, but so is the price.

At $4 a bottle, it will be very hard to drink it daily like the Beanie Babies-type tag around the neck of the POM bottle suggests. I think it’s probably cheaper to get a health club membership, which will probably do you more good and get you that hourglass figure you’ve always wanted.

Item: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Very healthy. Attractive bottle.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like mango. Very pricey.

X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks

Jello Pudding Sticks

Today’s review is unlike any other review I’ve done. It going to be an xtreme review!!!

It’s sooo xtreme that I had to use THREE exclamation points for the previous sentence.

How do I plan to make this review of X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks xtreme? Um, for example, you can’t see it, but I’m typing with ONE HAND! That’s so xtreme! Right?

Well these pudding sticks come in a box of eight, with easy-to-open tabs. I went through all eight in three days (I’m a growing boy, you know). They also come in two other flavors: Oreo and Chips Ahoy!, which the national grocery store chain I shop at didn’t have. I think it’s about time I shop at another grocery store chain, because the store I shop at never has the flavors I want, like the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts.

The best part of these pudding sticks is the no-hassle clean up. When you make pudding there’s a lot of cleanup, which involves washing of bowls and spoons, also the possible need to wash your face from trying the lick the bowl clean.

With these convenient pudding sticks, all you do is squeeze and suck out the chocolate goodness, like it was a tube of toothpaste. When you’re done, just throw the empty stick away. It’s so easy to remember: squeeze, suck, and throw away. Isn’t that xtreme?

So how do they taste? Chowing down on these creamy chocolate confections causes my consciousness to come to a consuming constant climax. Okay, not totally true, but they’re really good. At least the alliteration was xtreme! Wasn’t it?

Okay try this:

Chocolate flavor.
Wrapped in a convenient stick.
Sugary goodness.

Haiku, baby! How xtreme is that?

Probably the most xtreme thing about the pudding sticks, if pudding sticks can be considered xtreme in the first place, is the fact Jell-O encourages you to freeze them. Freezing them doesn’t make them better or easier to eat, all it does is make them a little more dangerous if you fly one across the room to your eight-year-old.

Is that xtreme?

Item: X-treme Jell-O Chocolate Pudding Sticks
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No spoons necessary to eat pudding. Chocolate pudding goodness in a stick form. Freezable.
Cons: Not really xtreme.

Dannon Frusion

Dannon Frusion

A few weeks ago I reviewed the Yoplait Nouriche, a fruit smoothie. If you didn’t read the review, I wasn’t too impressed with it because of its price and taste.

However, one good thing came out of buying the Yoplait Nouriche and that was getting a coupon for $1 off its competitor the Dannon Frusion. I also received a coupon for $1 off my next purchase at the national grocery store chain I shop at. This all means a cheap Dannon Frusion for me…so I thought.

Coupons are a consumer’s and a quasi-review website editor’s best friend, if you remember to use them. Somehow I have this bad habit of having coupons and forgetting to use them. I usually put them in my wallet, because I know I have to open up my wallet to pay for my groceries, but I still forget about them.

When I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at, I immediately went to the dairy section to see what flavors of Dannon Frusion they had. Unfortunately, they only had two: Peach Passion Fruit and Berry Blend.

I decided to go with the Peach Passion Fruit, because I could use a little passion. After I got everything else on my shopping list, I headed to the checkout. While the female cashier was ringing up my groceries, we began to talk about (and I’m not making this up) my ass.

The conversation went something like this:

Female Cashier: Do you or your groceries need help to your car?

Me: I don’t think anyone could carry me to my car.

Female Cashier: Why do you say that?

Me: I have a big ass.

Female Cashier: (laughter) Lemme see.

Me: No. Bum looker. Cheeky monkey.

Female Cashier: Come on, lemme see.

Me: You can look at it as I walk away.

(I walked away pushing my cart)

Female Cashier: Nice butt.

(I smiled)

When I got home, I pulled out my wallet and realized that I didn’t use my damn coupons. I started cursing at myself and looked at the receipt to see how much the Frusion costs. I expected it to be about the same price as the four-dollar Yoplait Nouriche (which has dropped in price since the review), however I was pleasantly surprised that the Frusion was significantly cheaper at $2.49.

So here I was stuck with two coupons, one of which expired that day. I instantly decided to drive to another national grocery store chain I shop at, hoping they would have more of a selection of flavors. They had one other flavor, which turned out to be Strawberry Kiwi.

Headed toward the cashiers, this time with the coupons in my hand to make sure I used them. Also, I made sure to go to a male cashier, because I’m definitely not going to talk about my ass with another guy.

With the coupons, I paid 49 cents for this Frusion.

For the next two mornings I was able to enjoy a Dannon Frusion. After trying them, I like them better than the Yoplait Nouriche, which was a bit too tart for my tastes. I enjoyed both flavors I purchased and would definitely buy more, if I ever get another coupon.

Item: Dannon Frusion
Purchase Price: $2.49 Peach Passion Fruit / $0.49 Strawberry Kiwi (with coupons)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cheaper than the Yoplait Nouriche. Not as tart as the Nouriche. Good fruit combinations. I apparently have a nice butt.
Cons: Even though they’re inexpensive, I wish I didn’t need a coupon to be able to purchase them. It would be cool if they were priced the same as Dannon yogurt.

The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD

Triumph DVD

While browsing though the DVD new releases section at my favorite national brick and mortar music and video store chain that has filed for bankruptcy due to online shopping and illegal downloading, I came upon several interesting titles.

For example, the Olsen twins’ “New York Minute,” which I would’ve gotten, but I’m not a teenage girl or a lonely, scary middle-aged man, who gets Victoria’s Secrets catalogs delivered to his mailbox under a female alias.

I also happen to come upon a DVD I was hoping they would put out someday, The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Holy crap! All of my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

Let me tell you, buying this DVD is a lot easier than trying to illegally download Triumph clips via Kazaa or Limewire. To download these clips is sooo slow sometimes and not every clip is available. Plus, the Hollywood Squares clip is kind of fuzzy, like someone recorded the clip on a television that gets its reception from a cheapo antenna.

Not like I do that kind of illegal downloading, Mr. Recording Industry Association of America and Ms. Motion Picture Association of America.

Um…like I said before, all my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

From the classic Attack of the Nerds, where Triumph harasses the nerds waiting in line at the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones premier to his appearances on the previously mentioned Hollywood Squares to all his Westminster Dog Show segments to his trashing of Bon Jovi.

As with all DVDs there are some never-before-seen extras, like more footage on Triumph’s Attack of the Nerds. There can never be too much of harassing of nerds. If I have to go through the constant harassment, every nerd should go through it.

There’s approximately 150 minutes of laughter for you and many minutes of steamy dog-puppet-on-dog action your pooch might enjoy.

Item: The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD
Purchase Price: $14.99 (on sale)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Damn funny! All of Triumph’s classic comedy bits are on this DVD, which makes illegally downloading them unnecessary. Possible pooch porn.
Cons: Not everyone’s cup of tea, like my parents and your parents. Possible pooch porn.