REVIEW: IBC Root Beer (32-ounces)

IBC Root Beer

Sometimes I like to be an old-fashioned kind of guy.

Not in the sense of opening doors for women, saying please or thank you, or offering my seat to an elderly person on the bus. In all those instances, I’m an asshole.

The old-fashioned I’m talking about is occasionally putting on my acid-washed jean shorts, Hypercolor t-shirt, a pair of British Knights shoes, and listening to C+C Music Factory on my Sony Walkman cassette player with auto-reverse, while playing Sonic the Hedgehog on a Sega Genesis.

(Editor’s Note: For the convenience of TIB’s younger readers, who weren’t born when many of these things came out, I have added Wikipedia links to explain them, except acid-washed jean shorts because there’s no Wikipedia entry for them and I’m ashamed that I actually wear acid-washed jean shorts.)

When I’m bored and lonely in my apartment, I like to get really old-fashioned and put on a pair of polyester bell bottoms, a tie-dye t-shirt, a pair of platform shoes, and an afro wig, while listening to disco music on an 8-track player.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s middle-aged readers: I’m not saying you’re really old in any way, shape, or form, even though I did say “really old-fashioned.” When I said “really” I really meant it in terms of prestige and not in terms of time.)

I’m just as old-fashioned as this 32-ounce bottle of IBC Root Beer in its amber-colored glass bottle, but not as dark, curvy, or satisfying. It’s old-fashioned because it’s been around since 1919 and was introduced during Prohibition.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s younger readers: If you’re too lazy to click the Wikipedia link above, Prohibition was a time from 1920 to 1933 when it was illegal to produce, sell, or transport alcohol in the United States, but drinking it wasn’t illegal. If any of your great, great, great grandparents are still alive, you should ask them about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been drinking so many of these 32-ounce bottles of IBC Root Beer recently that if they were actually bottles of alcoholic beer I would probably be doing some crazy, possibly illegal stuff like tipping cows, sucking on a cow’s udder, sticking my arm into a cow to help it give birth to a calf, or paying $150 for small slab of Kobe beef.

Personally, IBC Root Beer is better tasting than the highly-distributed Barq’s and A&W root beer, but I’ve also tasted better root beers than the IBC one. It’s got a nice spiciness to it, it made a great root beer float, and it comes in a big 32-ounce bottle. Of course, the big bottle means I can pour one for myself and then pour some out for my dead homies, because I’m old-fashioned like that.

Item: IBC Root Beer
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great. Big 32-ounce glass bottle. Cheap. Great for root beer floats. Darker, more curvy, and more satisfying than I am. Being an old-fashioned guy.
Cons: Not less filling. No caffeine. Drinking the entire bottle in one sitting is bad due to high sugar content. I’m as asshole. Prohibition.

Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup

(Editor’s Note: Before I begin this review, I think it’s necessary for you to hear a 30 second sample before reading the rest of this review, because I don’t know how many of you have listened to this song. So click here to hear the sample.)

Today, I’m going to explain the anatomy of an annoyingly catchy song.

There are various things that musicians and album producers do to turn a horrible song into something that becomes mentally tattooed on our brains. It’s sort of like how aerosol potpourri sprays cover up that massive dump you just took in the bathroom after eating a hearty steak dinner.

The potpourri spray smells good at first, but if you hang around the bathroom too long, the crappy smell returns. In the case of the annoyingly catchy song, it sounds good at first, making you want to shake your ass, but after you’ve listened to it for a while, you realize how crappy it truly is and you regret spending the 99 cents for it at the iTunes Store. It’s so crappy that you wouldn’t even bother downloading the torrent for it.

After listening to several annoyingly catchy songs, including the subject of today’s review, “Chicken Noodle Soup” by Webstar & Young B, I think I’ve pinpointed what makes an annoyingly catchy song so memorable.

1. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics.

If there’s one thing that makes an annoyingly catchy song memorable, it’s repetition of lyrics. Just like learning the multiplication table, the periodic table, mixed drinks, and putting the toilet seat down for the ladies, repetition has always made it easier to remember things, like song lyrics, even if you don’t want to.

The Chicken Noodle Soup song lasts for only 203 seconds, but the lines “Let it rain. Clear it out” is said 26 times, “Let’s get it” is sung 21 times, and the title of the song, “Chicken noodle soup” is sung 18 times. So if my math is correct, there’s a “Let it rain. Clear it out” for every eight seconds of the song.

Of course, these are no where close to the 55 times the phrase “peanut butter jelly” is said in the Buckwheat Boyz song “Peanut Butter and Jelly.” But hearing the words “chicken noodle soup” 18 times in one song is enough to make the song pop up in my head whenever I walk through the soup aisle at my grocery store and sing under my breath, “Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.”

2. Make it ass-shakeable.

For some adults, listening or watching The Wiggles or Barney the purple dinosaur causes quick channel changing, violent shaking of televisions, uncontrollable crying, and impromptu games of Russian Roulette. It also makes some parents wonder if having to tolerate The Wiggles or Barney was worth having children.

However, with young children they are very successful because those crazy colorful Australians and that frickin’ big ass purple dinosaur make children want to dance. Annoying catchy songs do the exact same thing in the clubs or in your car. But then again, there’s lots of alcohol at any club, and if alcohol has the power to make me look good to women at a club, it also has the power to make a song ass-shakeable, no matter how stupid the lyrics are.

What also helps make a song ass-shakeable is the use a sound effect repeatedly in the beat. A lot of hip-hop producers weave police sirens into their beats, which on several occasion have caused me to look in my rear view mirror to see if I’m being pulled over or if I need to make way for an ambulance. In the Chicken Noodle Soup song, there’s an air raid siren which just doesn’t want to stop in my head, even when the song is over.

3. Have lyrics and a title that make no sense at all, and if possible, relate it to food.

“Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?”

“Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side?”

Monkeys with typewriters could probably come up with better lyrics than these annoyingly catchy songs, if monkeys had the ability to form words, sentences, paragraphs, and knew how to work a QWERTY keyboard.

But history has shown that crazy lyrics that are repeated over and over again, have references to food, and have an ass-shakeable beat with them equals annoyingly catchy goodness and eventually a reference on Family Guy.

Item: Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Annoyingly catchy. Makes me want to shake my ass when there’s alcohol in my system. Possible future Family Guy reference.
Cons: Excessive use of air raid sirens. Repetitive lyrics. Me shaking my ass. Lyrics make no sense. The Wiggles and Barney.

Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink

If I ever harmed Kevin Federline (and believe me I am so frickin’ close to doing so) for either stupidity, releasing another rap album, or spreading his seed, I would hate to be arrested and questioned by the regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink and the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink…if they were cops.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably be the good cop, wanting to be friends with me and offering me things to eat and drink, while the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would be the bad cop, slapping the taste right out of my mouth for no reason and calling me a no good piece of shit.

Each would use their own tactics to get a confession out of me.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably pat me on the back and say, “Hey man, I know you didn’t do it. You seem like a nice guy and you know how I can tell? Because I’m a nice guy and I taste almost like a regular Arizona Green Tea, except a little less sweet. I don’t want you to have to face my partner, diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. He’s an asshole. He thinks he’s bad ass, because he’s got 44 less grams of sugar, 90 percent less calories, and 46 grams less carbs than I do, but I’ve got 100 milligrams of caffeine compared to his 80 milligrams. That extra caffeine makes me more alert and makes me realize that you’re a nice guy. Just tell me who stuck that broom up Kevin Federline’s ass and you can go home.”

Other the hand the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably slap me across the face and say, “Hey asswipe, I know you shoved the broom up Kevin Federline’s ass, tied his arms and legs together, and left him in a room playing the Chicken Noodle Soup song non-stop. We can do this the easy way. Or we can do this the hard way. I prefer the hard way, which involves shoving a really thick broom up your ass, tying your arms and legs together, and leaving you alone in a room with a naked and oiled-up Yanni playing his greatest hits over and over again. What? You’re not going to say anything? Want me to kick your ass! I’m a bitter son of a bitch thanks to the Splenda in me. And you wouldn’t want to drink me when I’m warm, because I taste metallic and will slap the taste right out of your mouth, you little maggot.”

So who would I confess to?

Well they both have 0 grams of fat, low sodium, 100% RDA of Vitamin C, 100% RDA Vitamin B6, 100% RDA Vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng, 100 milligrams of inositol, 100 milligrams of guarana, 100 mg of glucuronolactone, and 35 milligrams of milk thistle. However, the diet version tastes horrible, especially when warm, and the regular has a little more caffeine.

But in the end, I would probably confess to both of them, because thanks to every entertainment news show, tabloid, and blog reporting on my deed, I would probably become a hero in the eyes of the millions of Kevin Federline haters out there.

Of course, I would be a hero until someone outdoes me by kidnapping Kevin Federline, strapping him to the back of a remote controlled AMC Gremlin like he’s having sex with it, and driving him across the country with a sign on his back, which says, “I will screw anything that moves.”

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews visit Energy Drink Ratings, Screaming Energy, and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 each (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Regular)
Rating: 1 out of 5 (Diet)
Pros: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink is like the good cop and it tastes decent. Regular version has 100 mg of caffeine. Diet version has only 20 calories per can and 6 grams of sugar. Both are full of energy herbs and vitamins.
Cons: Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink is like the bad cop and tastes horrible. Getting the taste slapped out of my mouth by the Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink. Diet version has 80 mg of caffeine.

The Shopping Cart #2

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.

What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous

I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.

For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.

Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.

So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.

Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?

What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness

Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.

I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.

Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.

REVIEW: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom

Just like Austin Powers, I am a sexy, hairy beast.

Although, the two Impulsive Buy readers who have seen me completely naked would probably disagree with the sexy part.

There are parts of my body that has hair that I need to manage once in awhile. (1) The hair on top of my head. (2) The hair on my face. (3) The hair around my scroll wheel and left and right mouse buttons. Out of the three, the hardest to manage is definitely the hair around my faucet and hot and cold knobs.

I like to clear the brush around my Norfolk fir tree and pine cones for the same reason why some women make their hair shorter during the summer months — to cool themselves down. There’s also less chance of someone hacking up a hairball when I maintain my black carpet.

When I first started trimming the hedges around my Washington Monument, I would use a scissors, comb, and a steady hand. Then I upgraded to a hair trimmer with attachments to tame the hair around my sausage and sunny-side up eggs. Recently, I upgraded even further with the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom and I consider it the Lexus of cutting the hair around my Harry Potter and Goblets of Fire.

Its design, dual-sided trimmer, and three length attachment combs make it ergonomically easy to trim the outfield grass at my Busch Stadium and it does a good job. If I wanted to go pornstar and totally destroy the rainforest, I could do so by not using any of the attachments and using the shaving blades under the Bodygroom’s hypoallergenic shaving foil.

Also, creating designs in my front yard lawn was not possible to do with the Bodygroom due to its big shaving and trimming head, so I couldn’t create any hearts, strips, arrows, baseball team logos, or any works from Vincent van Gogh.

The Bodygroom can be used for a dry shave, but its design also allows it to be used in the shower and with shaving cream/gel, and because it’s water resistant, cleaning it is as simple as running it under water. The cordless Bodygroom’s claim that you can get 50 minutes of use before the need to recharge its battery is fairly accurate, although charging it takes eight hours.

Many of you with testicles maybe wondering if it hurts or if having cutting blades near your Humpty Dumptys make them have a great fall and crawl back into you. If you’re using the attachments, it’s painless but may takes several strokes to trim a lone rogue pubic hair.

Without an attachment it doesn’t hurt either, but every time I trim the trees along my main street and cul-de-sac I keep thinking of a possible scrambled eggs mess, so I’m surgeon-like careful when I cut down the Christmas trees on my snow globe.

The Bodygroom does a great job with the hair around your banana and strawberry milkshake, but it can also be used for the hair on your chest, shoulders, back, taint, fingers, toes, palms, underarms, abs, legs, and pretty much everything else below the neck, making it the perfect gift for the Sasquatch in your life, or Robin Williams. According to the instructions, the Bodygroom wasn’t made for the hair on your face or on your head, but I do use it with an attachment comb to tame my long, sexy, and hairy sideburns.

Overall, the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom is a sexy piece of equipment that does good work around the groin area.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

Item: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom
Price: $39.99
Purchased at:
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of trimming and shaving lower body parts. No irritation. Rechargeable. Cordless. Easy to clean. Can use it in the shower. Comes with three different trimming attachments. 50 minutes of use before recharging is needed. The Lexus of trimming the hair around your crescent wrench and two nuts.
Cons: Destroying the rainforest. Not able to make shapes with it. Finding replacement blades. Not meant for hair above the neck. Long battery charging time.