Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

Jack in the Box Root Beer Float

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to KT, Jobetta, and Darice for being the winners of this month’s prize drawing. KT and Jobetta will each receive a box of Trojan Mint Tingle condoms and Darice will receive a box of Trojan Warm Sensations condoms.

If you want to see a picture of prize drawing entries in a condom, click here (Warning: Possibly NSFW).

Ahh! Summertime.

It’s a time when you can sit on your porch swing at night with a cold, tall glass of homemade lemonade and look at the constellations in the sky, listen to the crickets chirp, and bitch about how frickin’ hot it is.

It’s a time when the mercury in the thermometer rises straight up, like it’s just taken a couple of Viagra. It’s so hot, even Kevin Federline sweats while sitting on the couch and staring at the television all day.

To beat the heat, there are many things we could do.

For example, we could play with a Slip ‘N’ Slide. It’s a great way to cool down, except when you get caught by your neighbors for using their water spigot or when you get chafed nipples from all the sliding.

Another great way to cool down would be to go to the beach or swimming pool, which are crowded this time of year. You can get instant cooling satisfaction by jumping into the water. Of course, this is great until you hit a warm spot in the water, which makes you wonder if it’s warm because of the sun or because all the little kids are peeing in the water.

Perhaps the best way to cool down, without fear of chafed nipples or little kids peeing in the water, is to drink something cold. Fortunately, Jack in the Box has brought out Jack’s Root Beer Float, made with Barq’s Root Beer and “real vanilla ice cream.”

Why is “real vanilla ice cream” in quotes?

You’ll read why later, but it’s sort of like the reason why “straight” is always in quotes when people write about Tom Cruise.

Recently, it’s been getting into the low 90s, and I’ve been feeling the heat. I would’ve brought out the Slip ‘N’ Slide, but my nipples were chafed from (insert your imagination here). Instead, I decided to drive to the nearest Jack in the Box and pick up their Root Beer Float.

I decided to use the drive-thru, because I ain’t steppin’ outside.

When I got to the drive-thru window, I could see them making my Root Beer Float. First, they put in the “real vanilla ice cream,” which unfortunately was the sort of fake, comes-in-a-bag soft-serve vanilla ice cream. It’s the same stuff Jack in the Box uses for their milkshakes, which isn’t very dense, so it melts pretty quickly and it’s smarter than me.

Next they added the root beer, which thankfully was Barq’s Root Beer, one of my favorites.

When I received it, the ice cream remained at the bottom, which, if you’re familiar with root beer floats, was where it shouldn’t have been. After flicking the cup a couple of times, the ice cream quickly rose to the top, proving once again the saying, “Cream always rises to the top, except when the creme is used to get rid of zits or herpes.”

After drinking the Jack in the Box Root Beer Float, I have to say that I wasn’t very impressed with it. It was decent, but anyone could make a better one at home.

Plus, they didn’t even give me a frickin’ spoon.


Item: Jack in the Box Root Beer Float
Purchase Price: $2.29
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Decent. Barq’s Root Beer. Cup has a red racing stripe.
Cons: Uses soft serve ice cream. No frickin’ spoon. I can make a better one at home.

Which of the Five Will Stay Alive!!! (Limited Edition Candy Bar Edition)

Whenever I purchase limited edition labeled foods, I always wonder to myself, “Will they be worth something in the future if I don’t open them?”

Ten years from now, who would want to buy a stale candy bar? The only people who would buy it would probably be Golden Palace.com, if it had an image of the Virgin Mary on the wrapper.

Also, who would want to eat a candy bar that’s over a decade old?

Why are you folks looking at me?

Okay. Okay. So I once chewed on several sticks of fourteen-year-old bubble gum that came from packs of 1981 Topps Football cards, while hoping to find a Joe Montana rookie card.

Hey, I didn’t get the Joe Montana rookie card. I needed some kind of consolation.

Anyway, I recently picked up FIVE limited edition candy bars from the national convenience store chain down the street and I thought this would be a great opportunity to have another product election, where you get to vote for what product I review next.

Here are the five limited edition candy bars you will be able to vote for:

1. Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes

2. Extra Smooth & Creamy Reese’s

3. Kit Kat Extra Creamy

4. Hershey’s Heath Twosomes

5. Nestle Crunch Dark

The candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will be placed in a Ziploc bag, stored in the back of my refrigerator, and will be kept there until I’m ready to sell them on eBay…or until I get a craving for chocolate.

To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, July 24th. Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like you’re on a secluded island for some reality show and you want to get rid of the bitch/bastard who backstabbed you in one of the show’s challenges.

Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs

Dreyer's Nestle Crunch Dibs

Did you know, in 1984, President Ronald Reagan designated July as National Ice Cream Month?

To be honest, I didn’t know, until Impulsive Buy reader Lauren emailed me to tell me.

However, I do know July is National Baked Beans Month, National Blueberry Month, National Picnic Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Recreation and Parks Month, National Culinary Arts Month, National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, and National Hug Yo’ Ho Month.

So in honor of National Ice Cream Month, I’ve decided to review Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs, which Impulsive Buy reader Richard recommended.

(Editor’s Note: Um, I don’t know why this is, but in some places they’re called Dreyer’s Dibs, while in other places they’re called Edy’s Dibs. I guess it’s just like in some places I’m called Marvo, but in other places I’m called That Bastard.)

What are Dibs? The best way I can describe them is that they’re like little ghetto ice cream bonbons, with a hard chocolaty coating on the outside and creamy ice cream inside.

The flavor of Dibs I purchased had a Nestle Crunch candy bar coating and vanilla ice cream. After trying them, I have to say that they’re just like most pop-punk bands I listen to, they were good, but there’s nothing that really makes them stand out.

Each container of Dibs has sixty pieces of cool, creamy, crunchy goodness.

Now sixty pieces may seem like a lot, but it’s not. Especially if you’re eating them during an episode of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club 2. They’ll be gone in no time, not because they’re good, but because you’ll have too much fun taunting Gary Busey.

Dreyer's Nestle Crunch Dibs Closeup

“Hey, Busey! You want some of these Dreyer’s Dibs? Here you go. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth. Here’s more, Mr. Busey. Oops, they accidently fell into my mouth again. I’m so clumsy.”

However, I should warn you. If you do eat an entire container of Dreyer’s Dibs in one sitting, I would suggest you eat nothing but grass for the next few days, because one serving contains 99 PERCENT of our daily value of saturated fat (each container of Dibs contains 2.5 servings).

Of course, this means eating servings of Dibs on a regular basis, will either give you a heart attack or make you as big as the cows that the milk for the ice cream came from.

So eating a container of Dreyer’s Dibs may have been dangerous, but I ate one for the Gipper.

Item: Dreyer’s Vanilla With Nestle Crunch Coating Dibs
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Cool, creamy, crunchy concoction. Bite-sized. Taunting Gary Busey.
Cons: Nothing really special. Very high in saturated fat. Pricey compared with a half gallon of ice cream. Only 60 pieces.

Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel

Hello Kitty Sunscreen

To begin today’s review of the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel, I’d like to tell all of you a little story, which goes something like this:

My head nodded like it was following the little red bouncing ball telling me which words to sing, as I followed the word “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread on the jeans that covered the ass of my fifth grade teacher, who was writing word problems on the chalkboard.

This was easy to accomplish because, unfortunately, I sat in the front row of the tiny classroom that was once the teacher’s lounge.

There were others in the front row, but my teacher only liked to write on a certain part of the chalkboard, which ended up right in front of me. My teacher’s ass was so close that if I wanted to, I could pull out my ruler and poke it to see what the ass would do in retaliation.

It wasn’t hard to miss the yellow embroidery on my teacher’s Chic Jeans, because every time I looked up to see what my teacher was writing, I would get the full panoramic view of my teacher’s ass and not be able to see a word written. It was kind of like a solar eclipse, with the moon being my teacher’s ass and the sun being the words on the chalkboard. The only word I could see was “Chic” embroidered in yellow thread.

I continued to stare at that word and began to think it was so strange to see my teacher wear a pair of Chic Jeans, because the only people who wore them were the popular girls in middle school, who never talked to me, except when they needed help with their homework.

Frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t see the chalkboard at all, I put my pencil down on top of the desk and followed that with my head.

A few minutes later the recess bell rang. I got up and as I walked out for recess, I said, “Nice jeans, MISTER Kreuger.”

He looked at me and innocently smiled, not knowing his ass was blocking my view of the chalkboard and he was wearing women’s clothing.

I posted this story to prove that women are lucky.

If they wear a men’s jacket or sweater, other people won’t notice it’s a piece of men’s clothing and will say it looks nice on them. If men wear a woman’s jacket or sweater, other people will look at them weird and say he’s a crazy cross-dresser.

Also, it’s perfectly normal for women to use men’s shaving gel on their legs, but it seems odd for a man to use women’s shaving gel on their face, unless the guy happens to be quasi-product review blog editor doing some “testing.”

So I’ve decided to use women’s products, because I think this is slightly unfair.

Recently, my twin sister gave me a bottle of Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel to review.

This is a very feminine product for two reasons: Hello Kitty and glitter.

If you aren’t familiar with Hello Kitty, you can read more about it here. But to make a long story short, Hello Kitty is probably the most girly thing in the world. It’s produced by a Japanese company called Sanrio, which has a whole bunch of cute characters, like Hello Kitty.

Here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean there are Sanrio stores with wall-to-wall cute girly Sanrio stuff. Every time I walk into one of the Sanrio stores, three things happen: (1) I have to urge to give someone a hug. (2) I can feel testosterone being sucked out of me. (3) My testicles crawl up into my body.

As for glitter, it maybe great for Harajuku Girls, but it’s not good for guys or Mariah Carey’s acting resume.

The only ways I can imagine guys wearing glitter is if they were adding stars to dioramas, they just made out with a woman who was wearing glitter, or if they got so drunk that they drank a bottle of glitter thinking it was Goldschlager.

However, I put aside the unusualness of me wearing glitter and the fear of my balls crawling up into body to test the Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel during my daily running routine. Besides, if my balls to crawl up into me, I don’t have to worry about them being juggled around.

As I put the sunscreen on, it felt like I was putting on vegetable oil, because it was very greasy. Also, I noticed that the glitter wasn’t going on my body. Instead, almost all the glitter remained on my hands. I guess running around with glitter and shining it in the sun wasn’t meant to be.

While running, I could smell the sunscreen, which had a nice unmanly candy-like smell.

It may have had a nice scent, but its SPF 8 didn’t do a good job of protecting my face from sunburn, because later that night, while washing my face, I could feel the sunburn, which I don’t get with the usual SPF 30 sunscreen I use.

So remember boys and girls, eight is a good number for an orgy, but not so good for a sunscreen’s SPF.

(Editor’s Note: The story at the beginning was originally written for and posted at The Ass Chronicles.)


Item: Hello Kitty Sunscreen Glitter Gel
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by twin sister)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Smells good. Great for Harajuku Girls.
Cons: Most of the glitter stayed on my hands. Really greasy feel. Only SPF 8. My male fifth grade teacher wearing Chic Jeans.

Colgate 360 Toothbrush

Colgate 360

My dentist once explained to me, “Toothbrushes are like hookers. Cheap ones will get the job done. The more expensive ones will have all their teeth and will also get the job done, except you have to pay a little bit more for some extra tricks.”

No, wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Oh, yeah. It was, “Toothbrushes are like cars. The cheap ones will get the job done and the more expensive ones will get the job done just as well.”

On second thought, I liked the hooker version better.

Anyway, I’ve been trying out the new Colgate 360 Toothbrush for the past couple of weeks. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I didn’t like the idea of spending over three dollars for ONE toothbrush, but there was something about the Colgate 360 Toothbrush that intrigued me.

That something was the built-in tongue cleaner, which seems like a typical marketing gimmick, like Valentine’s Day and the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. However, some people with lab coats, clipboards, and the title “Dr.” in front of their names say that the buildup of bacteria on the tongue is one of the causes of bad breath.

They also say another cause of bad breath is salad tossing.

After using the tongue cleaner, I can’t really tell if it’s taking off anything, even though it feels like I’m rubbing Velcro on my tongue.

However, perhaps the reason why it’s not taking off anything is because the instructions on the Colgate website say I should brush my tongue for ten seconds, but when I brushed my tongue, I spent seven seconds of the time gagging.

I was totally disappointed in myself. I can deep throat a banana, but brushing my tongue makes me gag? I have learned NOTHING!

Usually if I want to clean my tongue, I take a spoon and scrape it, which I read about in some magazine. It works well because when I’m done scraping, I can actually see the crap I just took off and wonder if it’s the reason why women from Arab countries cover their faces when they’re around me.

Other features of the Colgate 360 Toothbrush include the several types and lengths of bristles, which are arranged very similar to crop circles made by UFOs.

Colgate 360 Video

There’s also comfortable gel padding in the middle of the toothbrush’s shaft, where most people hold their toothbrushes. Unfortunately, the gel padding is useless to me because I hold my toothbrushes like I hold my knives to cut those who mess with my hoes.

Overall, the Colgate 360 Toothbrush will get the job done as well as any other toothbrush. All the features, like the tongue cleaner and the gel padding are nice, but unnecessary because you can use a spoon to clean your tongue and I’ve never heard of anyone getting carpal tunnel syndrome from brushing their teeth.

For a person like me, who changes his toothbrush every three months, spending three bucks for a toothbrush can get semi-expensive over a year. So the Colgate 360 Toothbrush breaks my only rule when buying toothbrushes, “If it’s cheaper to buy a rock of crack than the toothbrush, the toothbrush is too expensive.”


Item: Colgate 360 Toothbrush
Purchase Price: $3.22
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Semi-useful tongue cleaner and gel padding. Crop circle bristles.
Cons: Overpriced, more expensive than a rock of crack. Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship. Brushing my tongue makes me gag. Messing with my hoes.

July Prize Drawing!!!

The other week I reviewed the new Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms, which I received from Impulsive Buy reader, Robert, who has Trojan Condoms as a client at the public relations firm he works at.

Now he sent me several boxes of the Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms and a couple of boxes of the Trojan Warm Sensation Condoms, which is way too many boxes for me, since the extent of my love life right now involves me occasionally grinding my body pillow and calling it Winona.

So I have an excess of condoms, or as I like to call them, “Baby Blockers” or “VD Defenders.” Because I’m tired of using them as water balloons and my body pillow has no chance of getting pregnant, I’ve decided to give away the extra boxes of condoms.

This month, two lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive ONE brand new box of Trojan Mint Tingle Condoms and another reader will receive a brand new box of Trojan Warm Sensation Condoms.

Holy crap! I feel like Planned Parenthood…or a condom dispenser in a seedy bar restroom.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Blow me” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Or, if you think I like comments just to satisfy my fragile ego, you can also enter by sending me an email with the phrase “Blow me” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, you must fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, July 12, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, July 17, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (Sorry to the rest of the world.)

To determine the winners, the email of each person who enters will be printed on a small piece of paper and dropped into an unrolled Trojan Mint Tingle Condom. I will then blow up the condom like a balloon, using various oral techniques.

Then I will shake the condom to mix the entries and then pop the condom using something long and hard, like a screwdriver, causing the entries to fall to the floor. The first two entries I pick up will be the winners of the Mint Tingle condoms and the third entry I pick up will be the winner of the Warm Sensation condoms.

I know. I know. It would’ve been easier to just stick them in a jar, shake the jar, and pull the winners out from the jar, but I got to say “oral,” “long and hard,” and “screwdriver.”

Good luck!

Fine Print: Bananas and sex partners not included. The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about a teen getting her first facial cumshot. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you a letter from a bank telling you that you’re pre-qualified for a $10,000 loan. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, pregnancy, or the spread of STDs.