Cheetos Now Has A Flavor That Doesn’t Look Radioactive

Is it just me or is Chester Cheetah too much into cheese? Look at him on the packaging of the new limited edition Cheetos Crunchy Mozzarella, which I took a picture of in Wal-Mart when the folks in blue vests weren’t looking. Now I don’t mean a connoisseur of cheese, I’m talking a full blown cheese whore who would do ANYTHING for a little taste of the curds and whey. If that’s not the face of a cheese whore, I don’t know what it. It’s like he’s ready to snort a few lines of white mozzarella cheese, or otherwise known on the street as Italian Gold. Also, I’m not too sure what’s more disturbing; the albino white mozzarella on these Cheetos or the radioactive orange stuff on regular Cheetos?

Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is Big Enough to Shut Anyone’s Piehole

Metaphorically, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth, but I’ve never been able to do it literally because I lack the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and my feet smell like stinky cheese and ballsack sweat. However, thanks to the Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito I can now experience what it feels like to have something that is roughly the mass of someone’s foot and stick it in my mouth. I would’ve listed all of the ingredients, but I figured by the time you got half way through, you might have chest pains from just reading it. With 770 calories and 47 grams of fat, it’s a gluttonous way to start your morning. It’s available now at your nearest Carl’s Jr. for $2.69.

The Week in Reviews – 11/1/2008

Sick of candy from last night? This week’s Week in Reviews is 100% candy-free.

No one comes out a winner in a battle between Maruchan Instant Lunch and Nissin Cup Noodles. It’s a culinary Catch-22. (via Second Rate Snacks)

This movie had me at “porno.” (via Pajiba)

Thanks, advancements in technology. Not only do I have to buy the latest and greatest iPod every year to enjoy my music, TV shows, podcasts, and movies, I now have to buy the latest and greatest Philips Norelco Bodygroom to keep my crotch lawn from turning into a forest. (via The Message Whore)

(Insert lolcat picture here with caption “I can has leen poket cheezburger?”) (via I Ate A Pie)

The only quiche I like is the quiche I put on a Scrabble board to kick your ass. Bitches! (via Heat Eat Review)

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Churros

Mmm…churros.

They’re a staple at carnivals, amusement parks, sports stadiums, movie theaters, Renaissance Fairs, Civil War battle reenactments, and underground cockfights. But now you can get them any time you want, without having to pay admission, dress up in clothing with poofy shoulders, or choose whether you’re a part of the Union or Confederacy, just as long as you have a Jack in the Box nearby.

The Jack in the Box Mini Churros are shaped like most churros — they look like something that comes out of a Play-Doh fun factory, except it doesn’t come in psychedelic colors that makes the hippies say “whoa” and the little kiddies scream. You can get them in either five or ten bite-sized pieces. I purchased the five-piece one, which was reasonably priced and, when combined, seemed to equal a regular-length churro.

The churros may look like shorter versions of the ones you eat after flashing your boobs on Disneyland’s Splash Mountain, but instead of the traditional sprinkling of the sugar and cinnamon on the churro, the mini churros are injected with a cinnamon and sugar filling.

The cinnamon and sugar on a regular churro you got after taking a spin on the gravity machine at the county fair is there to cover the greasy taste of the fried dough, but the cinnamon and sugar filling in the Jack in the Box Mini Churros wasn’t very successful with masking the oily taste. There’s a hint of cinnamon and sugar, but since it appears everything was dipped in oil, the sweet flavors hardly survived after being fried. The only good thing about them being fried is that they’re crunchy, but then again, everything that’s fried is crunchy.

It’s hard to believe it’s taken this long for one of the big fast food chains to deliver their own version of the deep-fried pastry, after all if there’s any group that’s known for their deep-frying, it’s fast food chains…and people with really crispy turkeys on Thanksgiving. I’m surprised Taco Bell didn’t come out with a churro before everyone else, since they’re number one in fake-Mexican fast food. Yes, I know they have cinnamon twists, but why don’t call them churros? Maybe churros are just too authentic for them.

Since I didn’t really care for the Jack in the Box Mini Churros, I guess I must continue getting my deep-fried cinnamon and sugar pastries at underground cockfights. I just hope I don’t say the wrong password before I enter.

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Churros
Price: $1.49 ($1.00 in the rest of the US)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Crunchy. Bite-sized. Play-Doh.
Cons: Greasy-tasting. Not very sugary or cinnamon-y. Sugar and cinnamon are injected in filling form, instead of being sprinkled on. Getting churros at underground cockfights. Saying the wrong password at a cockfight.

Dog Poop Herbal Toothpaste Winners Announced!!!

There are a whole bunch of you who didn’t win the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste from Thailand and are probably disappointed about that. But think of all the gagging you would’ve gone through if you had won. Think about the brown paste coming out of the tube and occasionally making farting sounds. Imagine your face grimacing from the strong herbal, dirt flavor.

Although you may not have to experience any of the above, two TIB readers do and they are:

Comment #32 – cjwsbg
Comment #65 – shNermal

Each winner will receive a tube of the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste, which they can use to either brush their teeth or use for whatever evil plot they have in mind for those who have crossed them.

Congratulations to the “winners” and thanks to everyone who participated!

Oral-B Indicator Floss

According to the Oral-B Indicator Floss’ packaging:

BLUE FLOSS effectively removes and reveals plaque. La SOIE DENTAIRE BLEUE enleve et revele la plaque de facon efficace.

I’m not sure why blue floss is more effective than other colored floss when it comes to revealing and removing plaque, because I’ve used green and red floss and they do just fine, although I do have plaque that is as bountiful as a container of tartar sauce from Long John Silver’s, so it’s really easy to see and remove my plaque. But I guess since red attracts bulls and green attracts one-legged golddiggers, then blue should attract something too.

Like many people, I floss my teeth daily whenever I expect to make out with someone weekly whenever chicken gets stuck between my teeth the day before my dentist appointment less than I should, but there isn’t anything special about the Oral-B Indicator Floss that will cause me to change my oral hygiene habits. Even if it was made out of gold or had some kind of cross-promotion with High School Musical 3, it wouldn’t do much good to get people, like me, to floss more often. The only things this floss has to offer is a mild minty flavor, it’s easy to insert between teeth, it’s fray-resistant, and it can bring a smile to your dentist’s face if you use it more than once a week.

The Oral-B Indicator Floss does what it’s supposed to do — get rid of the plaque in between your teeth and below your gumline. The blue color does make it easier to see the gunk you’re removing and harder to see the blood from gums that aren’t used to flossing, but again, I’ve used cheaper red and green floss that does both things just as well.

Item: Oral-B Indicator Floss
Price: $2.47
Size: 50 m/55 yd
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It removes plaque. It’s minty flavored. It’s blue. Includes French translation on packaging. Easy to insert between teeth. Fray-resistant.
Cons: Kind of pricey for floss. Can get the same job done with other colored floss. The amount of plaque on my teeth. Nothing special that will make me want to floss more often. My poor flossing habits. High School Musical 3. Heather Mills. Bleeding gums.