Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics

Big Deluxe Classics

To celebrate Martha Stewart’s release from prison, I decided to bake cookies. So while watching CNN’s live coverage of her first day back working at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, I put down my koa wood framed 8×10 photo of Martha and brought out the baking pan from my Martha Stewart Everyday Nonstick 5-Piece Baking Set.

Unfortunately, after a horrible brownie baking accident, which involved me not adding any eggs to the brownie mixture and creating the hardest baked goods ever, I’ve stopped baking things from scratch.

Besides, when you bake from scratch you have to worry about fractions, and I suck at fractions.

So instead of making the cookies from scratch, I opened up a package of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics, with which I could bake a dozen cookies. I know Martha would kill me if she found out I wasn’t going to bake these cookies from scratch. After all, I’m sure she learned how to kill in prison.

I wonder if she’ll teach us how to kill on a future episode of Martha Stewart Living.

By the way, did you see how hot Martha looks now? Damn! Total MILF!

If I was in the kitchen with her and I had a wooden spoon in my hands, I would totally spank her ass with it. If only I was under house arrest with her. Sigh.

Wait, was that too much information for you? Sorry.

Anyway, after washing my hands and drying them using the hand towel from my Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton Basketweave Towel Set I placed the twelve cookie dough rounds on top of the ungreased baking pan, leaving them about two inches apart from each other.

Then I placed the baking pan into the oven, which was preheated at 350 degrees fahrenheit. Fifteen minutes later, I had cookies that even Martha would be proud of, if she didn’t know they weren’t made from scratch.

Big Deluxe Classics

After letting them cool for a few minutes, I grabbed one of the smaller plates from my Martha Stewart Everyday Classic White 16-Piece Ceramic Dinnerware Set so that I wouldn’t get crumbs all over the place as I ate my freshly baked cookies, while Martha talked about her experiences in prison.

Oh, these cookies were good. Every bite had some chocolate goodness. I guess it helped that along with the regular semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips, there were also mini, semi-sweet Hershey’s Kisses added to the cookie dough. It basically was an orgy of chocolate.

After eating half a cookie, I realized I was missing something very important…MILF…I mean, milk.

So I pulled out from the cupboard one of the glasses from my Martha Stewart Everyday 12-Piece Butterfly Glassware Set and poured myself some milk, so that I could dunk the warm cookies into it.

Oh, Martha would be so proud!

When I was done, I put the rest of the cookies in one of the square 5-cup food containers from my Martha Stewart Everyday 48-Piece Airtight Food Container Set, so that I may enjoy the cookies later on.

Overall, these Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics were very good. Or as Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”


Item: Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick. Easy to bake. Big cookies. Martha Stewart is a total MILF.
Cons: Martha is still under house arrest. I suck at baking things from scratch.

REVIEW: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

Dear Darius Rucker,

My name is Marvo and I’m a big fan of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for that last album you guys did in 2003. I will also admit, for about six months, I didn’t know you were African-American until I saw one of your music videos on MTV.

I’m writing this letter in regards to the Burger King commercial you did for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I was wondering how much dignity you have left, because you were a multi-platinum recording artist and now you’re a burger salesman.

Don’t you know that once a celebrity loses all of his or her dignity, they become like Michael Jackson or a cast member on a reality show?

Although, I will admit the song you sing the in commercial is catchy, like your song “Only Wanna Be With You.” The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, my roommate swore he heard me singing the song in my sleep one night while I slept on the living room couch.

But this is not about me singing the song, it’s about you singing the song. This burger selling has to stop before it gets worse and you end up singing songs about insurance or cell phone service plans.

Imagine having to sing a song like this:

I love my cell phone service plan
It allows me to talk to anyone I like
Let’s me call relatives and friends
Free calls on weekends and nights

There’s no roaming charges
Almost everywhere I goes
Receiving text messages are free
I can download ringtones

I love my cell phone service plan
Caller ID and voice mail are slick
Keeps me from receiving prank calls
Since my number was on Paris’ Sidekick

Besides, have you actually eaten a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? I know, in the song you sing about how you love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but I’ve tried it and I don’t love it.

First off, in the song you sing about how there are streams of bacon ranch dressing, but there’s got to be a drought or something, because at the Burger King I went to they were pretty stingy with it.

Darius Rucker

Also, I know YOU can afford it, but I paid an arm and a leg to buy the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch “value meal.” For the price I paid, I expected you to pop out from behind the counter and start singing the song to me.

I know it’s a very hearty sandwich with chicken breasts that grow on trees, tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar that paves the streets, but I wish it tasted better.

So please Darius Rucker, stop with the commercials. Please don’t make me feel sorry for you, because if you do, I’m gonna have to buy your solo albums out of pity.

Your fan,

Marvo

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
Purchase Price: $6.59 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Bacon and cheddar. The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song is catchy. Hootie and the Blowfish’s last album sucked.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon ranch dressing taste. Pricey. Messy burger. Darius Rucker is an insurance commercial away from losing ALL of his dignity.

Smoothie Mix Skittles

Smoothie Skittles

I’m not a fan of pastel colors, because I don’t look good in pastels.

If I wore pastel colors, I would look like a snotty, country club membership owning, private school graduated prick or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.

Plus, there’s something emasculating about pastel. Maybe it’s the brightness of it, after all, my wardrobe and soul consists of mostly dark colors.

It was this dislike of pastel that had me second guessing my purchase of these Smoothie Mix Skittles. I was afraid the bright colors of the Skittles would do something strange to me, like direct me towards the nearest Gap to look at their spring collection.

That fortunately didn’t happen after I ate the entire bag of Skittles.

In each bag of Smoothie Mix Skittles, there are five flavors: orange mango, peach pear, strawberry banana, lemon berry, and mixed berry. My favorite was the peach pear flavor.

With most of the combinations, I felt that one flavor really overpowered the other. For example, with the orange mango flavor, I could mostly taste the orange. With the pear peach flavor, I could mostly taste the pear.

However, with the strawberry banana flavor, I really couldn’t taste either.

Overall, I thought the Smoothie Mix Skittles were good. If they didn’t come in pastel colors, they would be slightly better.

Well folks, now that the obligatory review is out of the way, we can now focus our attention towards this month’s prize drawing.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving ONE lucky reader a $15 iTunes Gift Card, which we reviewed last month.

Yahtzee! (BTW, “Yahtzee! is now the official Impulsive Buy catch phrase, which we stole from a particular board game company.)

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Tune Me On” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re crusty, drunk, smelly, and cheap comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Tune Me On” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of all 37 cents of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on March 11, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on March 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States. (Sorry to the rest of the world, the card can only be redeemed at the U.S. iTunes Music Store)

The winner of the prize drawing will be picked in the following way:

I will dictate each entrant’s email address, which will be recorded by my computer. The dictated email addresses will be turned into individual MP3 files. I will import all of the MP3s into iTunes and create a playlist containing all of the dictated email addresses.

Then I will click the shuffle button in iTunes fifteen times, which will mix up the order of the MP3s. Finally, I will play the MP3s and the fifteenth email I hear will be the winner of this month’s prize drawing.

Hopefully, there will be more than fifteen entries.

So for those of you who’d like some free music, here’s your chance.

Yahtzee!

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting free Starbucks coffee for a year. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for an airline frequent flyer credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.


Item: Smoothie Mix Skittles
Purchase Price: 50 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. More sugar than a can of soda. Interesting flavor combinations. I’m not a country club snob or a rejected J. Crew catalog model.
Cons: Emasculating pastel colors. One flavor seemed to dominant the other with most mixed flavors.

Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears

Carb Clever Pears

(Dialing phone number on magic glowing red phone that’s on fire)

(Phone ringing)

HITLER: Guten Tag.

MARVO: Hey, Adolf, it’s Marvo.

HITLER: Ahhh, Marvo! How’s it hanging?

MARVO: Pretty good. So how’s Hell treating you?

HITLER: You know, there are good days and there are bad days, but mostly bad days. So what is up with this unexpected phone call?

MARVO: I was just wondering what the weather is like in Hell today.

HITLER: What’s the weather like in Hell? Is this some kind of sick joke, Marvo? You know I don’t like jokes, especially when I’m the butt of the joke. You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

MARVO: Um…I’m s-s-sorry.

HITLER: Ha! Just kidding. You’re so gullible, Marvo. Hey, did you notice I totally ripped off that last line from the Incredible Hulk?

MARVO: Uh, no.

HITLER: Anyway, the weather here in Hell? Let me look outside my window.

(Hitler looks outside of window)

HITLER: It’s hot, like it always is.

MARVO: So hell hasn’t frozen over?

HITLER: Pffff…Hell frozen over? Are you drunk right now?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: High?

MARVO: No.

HITLER: Why are you asking me such a silly question?

MARVO: Well you know this low-carb craze we have here?

HITLER: Oh, don’t remind me about low-carb foods. It’s one of the ways they torture us here in Hell. First, they torture us with flaming whips. Then our limbs get pulled off by four Hellbeasts. Then they give us a low-carb meal. Then they make us watch the Tony Danza Show without eyelids so we can’t close our eyes. Anyway, as you were saying…

MARVO: Well I’ve been eating all of these low-carb foods to review for the Impulsive Buy and all of them so far have been pretty crappy.

HITLER: So far?

MARVO: Yeah…I just tried these Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears and they, surprisingly, turned out to be pretty good. They’re almost as good as any other regular can of sliced pears I’ve had.

HITLER: Get out of here!

MARVO: No, seriously. They were sweet and they were good, but I think the Splenda had something to do with its sweetness.

HITLER: You mean, Splenblah.

MARVO: Yes, Splenblah. So that’s why I wanted to know what the weather was like in Hell. I thought it froze over because the Carb Clever Sliced Pears were actually good.

HITLER: You know, “hell freezing over” is just a saying. You shouldn’t take it literally. If all these sayings were true, I would’ve broken my mother’s back hundreds of times for stepping on hundreds of cracks. Plus, I would probably have hairy palms.

MARVO: I didn’t have to hear that last example.

HITLER: Sorry. So these Carb Clever Sliced Pears are good?

MARVO: Yeah.

HITLER: Maybe I can convince Lucifer to add it to our low-carb meals.

MARVO: Hey, good luck with that.

HITLER: Anyway, so I’ll be seeing you in about 40 to 60 years?

MARVO: Probably.

HITLER: Auf wiedersehen.

MARVO: Bye.


Item: Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Low-calorie. Fat-free. Lots of Vitamin C. Tastes almost like regular canned pears. Low-carb (I can’t believe it’s actually a positive this time)
Cons: Splenda. “Carb Clever” is a lame product name, alliteration doesn’t work well here.

Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup

Carb Request

I remember when my mother first fed me broccoli. It was a warm July evening and the sun was still high in the sky. Because it was still so lighted, my parents left the lights off as we ate dinner.

Being only ten years old and not growing in height as fast as the other children in my class, including the girls, I could not serve myself food, because I couldn’t reach the stove top where the pot of spaghetti sat. My mother took the Sesame Street plate from me and put a large serving of spaghetti on it.

“Eat up and some day you’ll be big enough to serve yourself…” she said to me.

Then she whispered under her breath, “…because I’m not going to serve you forever.”

I thanked my mother and walked to the table. At the table, there was a loaf of garlic Italian bread and a mound of green things that looked like aliens from outer space with gigantic afros. I imagined the afro was what The Great Kazoo’s hair must have looked like with his helmet off, when he wasn’t helping Fred Flintstone.

Sitting at the table was difficult for me because I was so short. I couldn’t reach the garlic Italian bread nor the green things with gigantic afros. Seeing the trouble I was having, my mother placed a slice of bread and a small stack of green things on the edge of my plate.

“What are the green things with the gigantic afros?” I asked my mom.

“It’s broccoli,” she replied, “It will help you grow big and strong…”

Then she said quietly to herself, “…so you can support yourself some day and move out of the house.”

I picked up one of the green things with a gigantic afro and began playing with it. Then I decided to give the green thing with the gigantic afro a haircut like Mr. T’s. After gnawing on the afro for a few moments and spitting out the parts I had gnawed off, I formed the mohawk I wanted. I grabbed a noodle from my spaghetti and wrapped it around the green thing with a mohawk, pretending it was a big gold chain, just like the ones the real Mr. T wore.

“I pity the fool who don’t eat spaghetti,” I said, shaking the green thing with a mohawk. “I pity the fool who don’t eat bread.”

“Stop playing with your food,” my mother said to me.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Because it’s rude to play with your food…” she said.

Then she said as softly as she could, “…and you’ll never find a woman to marry you if you keep playing with your food.”

I looked at my newly created green Mr. T. and said, “I pity the green thing with the mohawk.”

Then I chomped the mohawk off.

From that moment on, I’ve enjoyed broccoli. However, it was much later in life that I realized broccoli would be better with some kind of topping. The topping of choice was melted Velveeta cheese, because it was the only topping I had seen on broccoli, thanks to the Velveeta commercials. Broccoli and melted Velveeta was damn good.

So when I picked up a can of Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup, I expected good things. Unfortunately, I pity the fool who purchased the Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup.

Of course, that was me.

The aroma from the pot I was warming up the soup in turned out to be an accurate indicator of how the soup tasted. It was bland, like the future music offerings coming from celebrity siblings with the last names of Spears, Simpson, and Duff.

The pieces of broccoli were tiny and almost seemed nonexistent with every spoonful. There were big chunks of white chicken meat, although this disappointed the equal opportunity activist in me, hoping that were also big chunks of dark chicken meat.

After all, you know what they say about dark chicken meat, “Once you go dark, you’ll never want to be apart.”

– This was an excerpt from Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup for the Quasi-Product Review Blog Editor’s Soul


Item: Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese Soup
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Big chunks of chicken. I actually enjoy broccoli. Mr. T. looking broccoli.
Cons: Bland. Not much broccoli. No dark meat. Low-carb.

Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream

Keto Triple Whammy

I know. I know.

Why in the world am I reviewing a product that comes from a company that’s no longer in business? (See this review for details)

Well I bought the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream because I wanted to find out if it’s better than Bambi’s Triple Whammy. So I figured, since I tried it, I might as well review it.

So what’s Bambi’s Triple Whammy?

It’s not an ice cream, that’s for sure. I could try to explain Bambi’s Triple Whammy more thoroughly, but I’m kind of unsure of what it is. Unfortunately, I’m blindfolded and handcuffed to bed posts throughout the whole thing, so I’m not too sure what really goes on.

All I can say is that it usually feels really good (although sometimes uncomfortable), it’s waaaay more expensive than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, and I think it’s called a Triple Whammy because it involves Candy and Cinnamon, which aren’t actually candy and cinnamon, but are Bambi’s “friends.”

Also, despite her excessive use of flavored lubricants, Bambi’s Triple Whammy is surprisingly cleaner than Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream.

As for the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream, it’s low-carb, but high-fat, high-cholesterol vanilla ice cream with pecan toffee crunch pieces and caramel swirls. Plus, for the lush in me, it also contained three grams of sugar alcohol.

Unfortunately, there weren’t many pecan toffee crunch pieces, there weren’t ANY caramel swirls, and it turns out there isn’t a drop of alcohol in sugar alcohol.

Despite these faults, Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream actually tasted pretty good, although not good enough to help Keto rise from the ashes of defunct companies.

I’d like to give a 3 rating for this ice cream, but I have half of a soul, so out of pity, I’m going to give the Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream an extra half of a rating.

Hey, when I’ve only got half of a soul (and half of a heart), I can only give half of a rating.


Item: Keto Tammy’s Triple Whammy Ice Cream
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Going-out-of-business-cheap. Much cheaper than Bambi’s Triple Whammy.
Cons: Despite what it said on packaging, there were no caramel swirls. High-fat. High-cholesterol. Very little pecan toffee crunches. Not as good as Bambi’s Triple Whammy.