REVIEW: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal

If you have children, whatever you do, DO NOT buy them the High School Musical Cereal. Some of you might be thinking I don’t like this packaged Kellogg’s and Disney collaboration because it promotes the third movie in the High School Musical trilogy, which by the way makes me cringe more than Star Wars prequel trilogy, but people should avoid this cereal because it just isn’t any good. If this cereal actually jiggled my jollies, I’d be breaking out into an unnecessary song and dance number while eating it. Fortunately for my overworked jazz hands, the cereal just flat out sucks, which boggles my mind since the recipe for a good sugary cereal is simple: pick shapes, pick colors, and add a fucking lot of sugar (marshmallow are optional). It’s like the person who developed this bland cereal forgot the very important step of putting a shitload of sugar in it, which is the equivalent of taking a piss without doing the necessary step of pulling down your pants or lifting up your skirt. The orangy and red star-shaped cereal pieces even have white specks all over them, which I thought was sugar, but didn’t make it sugary, so I’ll just assume the cereal has dry scalp and a bad case of dandruff. Shouldn’t the cereal that promotes a sugary sweet Disney movie be just as annoyingly sweet? Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I did ask for a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and eventually one was posted, so why can’t I get a cereal with enough sugar to help me keep up with retiree mall walkers in the morning?

Buying this cereal is not only a bad idea because eating it feels like there’s a boring discussion of 18th century European economics going on in your mouth, it’s also a possible gateway item for much worse things your kid would want you to purchase. If you give into this, then they’ll next be asking for the High School Musical 3 soundtrack; then a DVD of the movie when it comes out four months later; and then they’ll be asking you to record the previous High School Musical movies playing on the Disney Channel on your TiVo, forcing you to delete the episodes of Heroes you haven’t gotten to yet because you’re too busy accommodating every whim from your demanding Disney-loving child, who ironically was conceived in a room at a Disney World Resort during some kinky Mickey and Minnie Mouse role playing. Before you know it, your kid is screaming at you because you ruined their sweet sixteen party that you allowed to be recorded for a reality show, because you bought them a Mercedes-Benz instead of a teal flying unicorn that does their homework and poops ancient Aztec gold, making you look like the worst parent in the world.

Although you could buy this for your child, they say “thank you,” and follow that up with a warm hug that melts your heart and makes you feel like the greatest parent in the world.

If you do decide to buy the cereal, let me know how that game of Russian Roulette goes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, 2 future shitty pop singers, and 1 future College Musical trilogy.)

(Editor’s Note: I’m not the only one who thinks this cereal sucks. Also, here’s a movie review of High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Just in case you’re forced to see it.)

Item: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. No singing coming out from the box. Vitamins and minerals. Asking for a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and getting it. Being the greatest parent in the world.
Cons: Bland. Box is kind of small compared with other sugary cereals. Not as sugary sweet as a High School Musical movie. White specks don’t seem to add anything to cereal. My overworked jazz hands. Being the worst parent in the world. Having to erase stuff on your TiVo you haven’t gotten around to watching yet.

Cheetos Now Has A Flavor That Doesn’t Look Radioactive

Is it just me or is Chester Cheetah too much into cheese? Look at him on the packaging of the new limited edition Cheetos Crunchy Mozzarella, which I took a picture of in Wal-Mart when the folks in blue vests weren’t looking. Now I don’t mean a connoisseur of cheese, I’m talking a full blown cheese whore who would do ANYTHING for a little taste of the curds and whey. If that’s not the face of a cheese whore, I don’t know what it. It’s like he’s ready to snort a few lines of white mozzarella cheese, or otherwise known on the street as Italian Gold. Also, I’m not too sure what’s more disturbing; the albino white mozzarella on these Cheetos or the radioactive orange stuff on regular Cheetos?

Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is Big Enough to Shut Anyone’s Piehole

Metaphorically, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth, but I’ve never been able to do it literally because I lack the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and my feet smell like stinky cheese and ballsack sweat. However, thanks to the Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito I can now experience what it feels like to have something that is roughly the mass of someone’s foot and stick it in my mouth. I would’ve listed all of the ingredients, but I figured by the time you got half way through, you might have chest pains from just reading it. With 770 calories and 47 grams of fat, it’s a gluttonous way to start your morning. It’s available now at your nearest Carl’s Jr. for $2.69.

The Week in Reviews – 11/1/2008

Sick of candy from last night? This week’s Week in Reviews is 100% candy-free.

No one comes out a winner in a battle between Maruchan Instant Lunch and Nissin Cup Noodles. It’s a culinary Catch-22. (via Second Rate Snacks)

This movie had me at “porno.” (via Pajiba)

Thanks, advancements in technology. Not only do I have to buy the latest and greatest iPod every year to enjoy my music, TV shows, podcasts, and movies, I now have to buy the latest and greatest Philips Norelco Bodygroom to keep my crotch lawn from turning into a forest. (via The Message Whore)

(Insert lolcat picture here with caption “I can has leen poket cheezburger?”) (via I Ate A Pie)

The only quiche I like is the quiche I put on a Scrabble board to kick your ass. Bitches! (via Heat Eat Review)

Jack in the Box Mini Churros

Mmm…churros.

They’re a staple at carnivals, amusement parks, sports stadiums, movie theaters, Renaissance Fairs, Civil War battle reenactments, and underground cockfights. But now you can get them any time you want, without having to pay admission, dress up in clothing with poofy shoulders, or choose whether you’re a part of the Union or Confederacy, just as long as you have a Jack in the Box nearby.

The Jack in the Box Mini Churros are shaped like most churros — they look like something that comes out of a Play-Doh fun factory, except it doesn’t come in psychedelic colors that makes the hippies say “whoa” and the little kiddies scream. You can get them in either five or ten bite-sized pieces. I purchased the five-piece one, which was reasonably priced and, when combined, seemed to equal a regular-length churro.

The churros may look like shorter versions of the ones you eat after flashing your boobs on Disneyland’s Splash Mountain, but instead of the traditional sprinkling of the sugar and cinnamon on the churro, the mini churros are injected with a cinnamon and sugar filling.

The cinnamon and sugar on a regular churro you got after taking a spin on the gravity machine at the county fair is there to cover the greasy taste of the fried dough, but the cinnamon and sugar filling in the Jack in the Box Mini Churros wasn’t very successful with masking the oily taste. There’s a hint of cinnamon and sugar, but since it appears everything was dipped in oil, the sweet flavors hardly survived after being fried. The only good thing about them being fried is that they’re crunchy, but then again, everything that’s fried is crunchy.

It’s hard to believe it’s taken this long for one of the big fast food chains to deliver their own version of the deep-fried pastry, after all if there’s any group that’s known for their deep-frying, it’s fast food chains…and people with really crispy turkeys on Thanksgiving. I’m surprised Taco Bell didn’t come out with a churro before everyone else, since they’re number one in fake-Mexican fast food. Yes, I know they have cinnamon twists, but why don’t call them churros? Maybe churros are just too authentic for them.

Since I didn’t really care for the Jack in the Box Mini Churros, I guess I must continue getting my deep-fried cinnamon and sugar pastries at underground cockfights. I just hope I don’t say the wrong password before I enter.

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Churros
Price: $1.49 ($1.00 in the rest of the US)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Crunchy. Bite-sized. Play-Doh.
Cons: Greasy-tasting. Not very sugary or cinnamon-y. Sugar and cinnamon are injected in filling form, instead of being sprinkled on. Getting churros at underground cockfights. Saying the wrong password at a cockfight.