Iâ€™m suspicious of â€œhealth foods,â€ or as we used to call them while growing up, â€œhippie food.â€ It all began with my parentsâ€™ attempt to feed me plain rice cakes during my â€œhuskyâ€ years. If youâ€™ve never had a plain rice cake, you know that it tastes nothing like cake, not even the crap you can make with an Easy Bake Oven.
Ever since then Iâ€™ve avoided anything â€œhealthy.â€ Unfortunately, due to my slowly expanding gut, Iâ€™m beginning to see less and less of my penis. So Iâ€™ve decided to give another shot at health foods.
Recently I came across the EcoBar, which was on sale at the local 24-hour drugstore. The name of it sounds healthy, doesnâ€™t it?
There were several flavors to choose from: Rain Forest Frost, Mountain Majesty, Ocean Berry, Desert Delight, and Tropical Splendor. At first, I thought about the Desert Delight, figuring it must be good like a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot apple pie. However, after reading the ingredients, which consisted of dates, nuts, figs, honey, toasted oats, and crisp rice with a creamy yogurt coating, I thought it didnâ€™t seem much like a desert. Maybe if they added some chocolate, then it would seem like a desert.
Instead, I decided on the Tropical Splendor, which sounded pretty tropical with its pineapple, papaya, coconut, and mango, along with honey, toasted oats and crisp rice with a yogurt coating. It sure ainâ€™t no plain rice cake.
One of the first things I noticed about the EcoBar was its nutritional value. It contains 17 vitamins and minerals: Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin E, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, Phosphorus, Iodine, and Zinc.
With a plain rice cake, I believe you get vitamins and minerals as well.
Hmm, letâ€™s see. Nope, no vitamins or minerals, just oodles of tasteless rice.
How do you expect to get healthy from that?
With my past plain rice cake experience, I was expecting the worst from this health food. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by how good the chewy Tropical Splendor EcoBar was. The yogurt coating made the bar sweet, like a good candy bar. The mixture of dried fruit also made it very tasty.
The â€œEcoâ€ in EcoBar stands for â€œecology,â€ which is the relationships between organisms and their environment. Too bad the â€œEcoâ€ in EcoBar didnâ€™t stand for â€œeconomy,â€ because if they were a little cheaper, I would eat them a little more often.
For the price of one EcoBar, I could get two chocolate bars. Hey, isnâ€™t chocolate considered health food?
Item: Tropical Splendor EcoBar Purchase Price: $1.19 (on sale) Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Surprisingly good. Yogurt coating makes is taste more like candy. Cons: Cheaper to buy candy bars. (Hey isnâ€™t chocolate good for you!). A little pricey.
Where the hell is Toucan Sam? I want to barbeque his blue-feathered ass.
Whatâ€™s up with this 1/3 less sugar in his Froot Loops?
Doesnâ€™t Toucan Sam realize heâ€™s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.
I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldnâ€™t have survived grade school. I wouldnâ€™t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.
For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little â€œhusky,â€ but I excelled in school and thatâ€™s all that really mattered. Itâ€™s better to be a smart â€œhuskyâ€ kid than a stupid â€œhuskyâ€ kid.
For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.
But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?
Whereâ€™s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They canâ€™t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday.
Despite having 1/3 less sugar than regular Froot Loops, I was surprised that it tastes almost like regular Froot Loops. But still, I wish it had more sugar, some marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Itâ€™s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids, that energy comes in the form of sugar, because I donâ€™t know of any parents that are irresponsible/cool enough to allow their kids to drink soda with breakfast.
So Toucan Sam, please put the sugar back into Froot Loops.
They still sell regular Froot Loops?
Oh, never mind.
Item: Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale) Rating: 4 out of 5 Pros: Tastes just like regular Froot Loops. Cons: Wonâ€™t be able to function without adequate amounts of sugar.
I have the iTunes Music Store bug. So far Iâ€™ve bought 453 songs from iTunes. Although as you regular Impulsive Buy readers may know, 117 of those came from the Mozart: Symphonies collection I bought a few months back in my attempt to win the iTunes 1,000,000th download contest.
The great thing about the iTunes Music Store is the ability to purchase and download individual tracks. I want â€œIce Ice Baby,â€ but I definitely donâ€™t want the rest of To The Extreme. Okay, maybe I might want â€œPlay That Funky Music,â€ but just for those I Love the 90s nostalgia moments and when I decide to get lines shaved on the side of my head.
On occasion, I do purchase whole albums from iTunes, like Less Than Jakeâ€™s B is for B-Sides
B is for Bargain
B is for B-Sides is a bargain because I bought the album for $7.92. At Amazon the CD can be purchased for $13.98. Thatâ€™s a six-dollar difference. Sure you can rip the songs and distribute them across peer-to-peer networks with the CD, but Iâ€™m really scared of the RIAA and Metallica, although not as much since they cut their hair.
B is for Brief.
B is for B-Sides contains 12 tracks that total about 28 minutes in length, which is quite brief. Almost all of the songs run under two minutes and thirty seconds. Just to let you ladies know, my lovemaking sessions last much longer than this album. So what album would best describe the length of my lovemaking abilities? All 9 hours and 56 minutes of the Mozart: Symphonies collection, of course.
Okay, not really.
B is for Bitchinâ€™
Despite its length, the album is bitchinâ€™ (Wait. Do the young folks still use that word? How about B is for Bad Ass?). All the tracks for B is for B-Sides were recorded for the Anthem album, which was released last year. If youâ€™re a hardcore fan of the group, this album will probably sound a little different than their earlier albums, because the horn section isnâ€™t featured as much. But the songs are as fast-paced as ever. Some of my favorites include â€œPortrait of a Cigarette Smoker At 19â€ and â€œBridge and Tunnel Authority.â€
B is for Bill
Because the iTunes Music Store uses your credit card information for purchases, the $7.92 was added to my slowly growing credit card bill, but it was worth it.
Item: Less Than Jake â€“ B is for B-Sides Purchase Price: $7.92 (iTunes Music Store) Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Bargain. Bitchin’ and Bad Ass. Cons: Brief.
The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of yogurt smoothies over the past couple of months: The Yoplait Nouriche and the Dannon Frusion. Both of them were good, but if you read the nutritional information, you will notice each product has enough carbs and sugar to cause the late Dr. Atkins to un-cremate his body and scold your carb-craving fat ass.
If that whole coming back to life by un-cremation were possible, the zombie Dr. Atkins would probably recommend the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie. He would also try to eat your brains, because heâ€™s a zombie and itâ€™s protein.
While chewing on your cerebellum, he would probably tell you that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie is low in carbs, low in sugar, low in fat, low in calories, and has more protein than the Yoplait Nouriche, Dannon Frusion, and your brain stem. Also, he might brag about the fact his name in prominently on the bottle a couple of times.
Unfortunately, the zombie Dr. Atkins probably wouldnâ€™t mention the fact that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie tastes much worse than the Nouriche and Frusion, but slightly better than the frontal lobe he’s chewing on.
The texture of it was kind of chalky, and yes I did remember to shake well. I guess I shouldâ€™ve expected this, after all it is â€œlowfat.â€
Now boys and girls, to avoid selecting crappy products while youâ€™re shopping, itâ€™s very important to remember this fun and simple equation:
LCarb + LS + LF + LCal = CRAP (Low Carbs + Low Sugar + Low Fat + Low Calories = Cruddy Repulsive Attempt at a Product)
If youâ€™re trying to reduce your carbohydrates intake, this is a great product with only 4 grams of carbs, but that’s all it’s got going for it.