Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie

Slammers Starburst Smoothie

(Editor’s Note: Sorry for not posting a review yesterday. I had to study for a drug test so I can get this job I want. Don’t worry I passed…Barely.)

Sometimes I wonder, “What kind of person would I be today without Starburst candy?”

Starburst taught me at a young age that sharing is caring, except when it comes to farts and sexually transmitted diseases. With its individually wrapped pieces, I was easily able to share a pack of Starburst with my siblings, friends, and my imaginary friend Wabu, who I thought was crazy because he kept telling me that Sesame Street was just a long Chinese restaurant commercial.

My lessons in sharing were also reinforced by watching Care Bears cartoons and listening to the words of Share Bear, as I fought with my sister for the remote control so I wouldn’t have to watch Care Bears cartoons.

Starburst also taught me the lesson of rationing. Being stuck at Boy Scout camp for a week and having only one pack of Starburst, I had to learn to make it last. I accomplished this by setting a limit on how many Starbursts I could eat in a day.

Of course, being that I learned sharing at an earlier age, I felt compelled to share the Starburst, but that would mean the pack wouldn’t last a week.

So while Starburst was teaching me the lesson of rationing, it also taught me the lesson of how sometimes I needed to be a stingy bitch, which was later reinforced by listening to the words of Kiss-My-Ass Bear, the least popular Care Bear in Care-a-Lot.

Fortunately for me, with the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie I don’t need to worry about sharing, rationing, or being a stingy bitch.

Because it’s a smoothie and I like to drink it straight from the bottle, I can’t offer it to anyone, because I don’t want to spread my cooties. I don’t want to be responsible for a cootie outbreak, because eventually doctors will trace back to me and everyone will know I’m the cootie host. Then scientists will hunt me down so that they can get a sample of my blood to create a cootie antidote.

I don’t want to go through that kind of trouble…again.

Besides I don’t know if I would want to share the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie with anyone because it’s not that good. It kind of tastes like an orange creamsicle, except with more sicle than cream, because it was kind of grainy. Also, the smoothie was more watery than creamy.

But the most disappointing thing about the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie was that I didn’t learn any important life lessons from it, like I did with Starburst candy. I wish I could’ve learned something, like success can be accomplished through hard work or how to talk to women without getting a restraining order two days later.

Well at least I learned I shouldn’t buy another Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie.

Item: Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like an orange creamsicle. Sharing is caring.
Cons: Grainy. More watery than creamy in texture. Didn’t learn any life lessons from it. My cooties.

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

I grew up with cattle grazing in the pastureland behind my house. Looking back, I sometimes wonder how cattle ended up on Noah’s Arc, because they happen to be not very bright and very easily scared animals.

However, they still are more intelligent than guys who actually think Axe or Tag body spray will attract beautiful women and not as easily scared as the beautiful women who are approached by guys who wear Axe or Tag body spray.

Sometimes, when I was bored of riding bikes, shooting hoops, or sneaking peeks at my friend’s hidden stash of Playboy, I would try to recreate scenes I saw on PBS nature shows. I would pretend to be either a wolf, tiger, crocodile, or rockstar groupie stalking its prey, which were the cattle.

However, I wasn’t very good with stalking prey, because as I approached the cattle, they would all quickly run away from me, like I was Celine Dion about to sing.

At the time, it was hard for me to comprehend why cattle were so afraid of me. After all, each of them were five times bigger than me, a husky twelve year old. It was also hard for me to comprehend because the male cattle had the biggest balls I had ever seen and I learned in grade school that the bigger your balls were, the more courage you’ll have.

But then again, I did run towards them with my arms flying around in the air and yelling like I was Andy Dick on a cocaine binge. I think that would pretty much scare anything.

One day, while approaching some cattle, I unfortunately stepped on a land mine. Not a real land mine, although my town was a training area for the US Army during World War II, and I once did find a live grenade in the stream that separates my house from the pastureland.

To my friends and I, a land mine was pile of cattle poop, or otherwise known as a cowpie. The land mine I stepped on was unfortunately warm and fresh. I think the cattle were entertained by this, because some of the cattle mooed at me.

From that moment on, I stopped stalking cattle and turned my attention towards stalking Alyssa Milano.

So was there a point to this story? Not really, but a bowl Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal does look like a bunch of small cowpies.

Oh, they also look like Princess Leia’s hair buns. So that means all I need now is a gold bikini and a pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith to play Jabba the Hut to recreate the skiff scene from Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, despite looking like small cowpies and Princess Leia’s hair buns, the Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal was good and I liked it better than the Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Bun version. Although I wish it was a little more fudgy and it made my milk fudgier.

Wait…Now that I think about it, a lot of the things I eat look like poop. Cocoa Puffs looks like rabbit poop, chocolate soft serve ice cream in a bowl looks like dog poop, and a Snickers bar looks like my poop.

(Editor’s Note: I just wanted to thank everyone for the anniversary congrats last week. As for the prize drawing, I hope to hold it sometime this week. I’ll keep you posted.)

Item: Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Looks like Princess Leia’s hair buns. Better than Cinnamon Bun version.
Cons: Looks like mini cowpies. Could use more fudgy taste. Doesn’t make milk very fudgy. Gets soggy pretty quickly.

Happy First Anniversary!!! (Or Happy Blogiversary!!!)

One year ago today, the first ever review was posted here at the Impulsive Buy, which was for the almost drinkable Natural Citrus Listerine. Since then, the Impulsive Buy has posted 217 product reviews. However, 212 of them suck.

It’s been a fun and interesting year here at the Impulsive Buy. Over the past year, I’ve shown a video of me stripping, ate salads for a week, deep throated a banana, removed all the hair on my legs, ate vomit jelly beans, attempted to consume the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting, and outed Lucky the Leprechaun.

I’ve also tried some horrible products, like the overly-peppery Salt and Pepper Pringles, the Philly-disrespecting McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, the puke-looking Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Ramen, the dog food-like Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal, the powerless and tasteless Kellogg’s Tiger Power Cereal, and the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

But I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat these.

Good times. Good times.

I’d like to thank all of you who come by on a regular basis to read whatever crazy nonsense I write. I hope that I’ve entertained you, educated you, and saved you some money. I promise that I will continue to write nonsense, be your guinea pig, and shove things down my throat that I shouldn’t.

Now to celebrate the Impulsive Buy’s first anniversary, I’m going to take the rest of the week off and I’m going to hold the most kick ass prize drawing in Impulsive Buy history.

Okay, okay. I know I said that for the 100th review prize drawing, but this one will be even better.

Three lucky readers will each receive one mystery box containing various products the Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the past year. The contents of each box will vary. For example, one may have the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips and another may not.

To enter the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please make sure you fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, August 9, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, August 14, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and US Military APOs. (I apologize to the rest of the world, but shipping the mystery box to anywhere else would be REALLY expensive.)

The winners will be determined by using a big mixing bowl, three aluminum pie pans, a can of whipped cream, and slips of paper with the email of each entrant. All the entries will be placed into a big mixing bowl and canned whipped cream will be sprayed on top of the entries. The contents of the bowl will be mixed.

When the entries and whipped cream are mixed well enough, the mixture will be equally divided into the three aluminum pie pans. I will stick a candle into one of the whipped cream pies, light it, blow it out, and then remove the candle.

Then, with my hands behind my back, I will pull out an entry from each of the three whipped cream pies, using only my mouth. Those three entries I pull will be the three winners of the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how the woman or man of your dreams is waiting for you online. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you life insurance policy applications. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or your fiance boinking the nanny.

Gillette M3Power Nitro

Gillette M3Power Nitro

This Gillette M3Power Nitro razor is a very talented razor. It vibrates, gives a decent shave, and it danced circles around this other razor I have. Don’t believe me? Watch this video. (Quicktime required)

Oh yeah! You got served, beeyatch!

Oh wait! What am I saying? I got served too. The M3Power Nitro razor outdanced me. But then again, that’s really easy to do because of my limited dancing abilities.

Sorry, I don’t have a video of that dance-off, but even if I did, it would be too embarrassing to show. But if you want to use your imagination, just imagine some Asian guy doing the Roger Rabbit, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Water Sprinkler, Chicken Dance, and a dance move that involves humping the floor.

Or just watch an old Vanilla Ice music video, because that’s how I learned to dance.

(Note to self: Must buy Darrin’s Dance Grooves video.)

Not only does the M3Power Nitro have dancing skills, it can also dance for a very long time. I’ve been shaving with it almost every day for three weeks, had several dance-offs with it, and the single AAA battery inside is still going strong.

With that kind of stamina, the ladies would love the M3Power Nitro. However, it maybe strong enough for the hair leg warmers of a tree-hugging hippie woman, but it’s made for a man.

When Impulsive Buy reader, Lane, sent me the Gillette M3Power Nitro, I didn’t think it would vibrate as violently as it did. It’s supposed to be gentle micro-pulses that stimulate hair up and away from the skin, but my cell phone vibrates a lot more gently.

At least it doesn’t vibrate as much as Robin Williams on a caffeine or cocaine binge.

Despite my thinking that the M3Power Nitro vibrates a little too violently for something that consists of sharp blades, it does provide a decent and comfortable shave, and I also think the vibrations made cutting through my facial hair easier. Although, I think it shaves just as well as my regular MACH3 Turbo razor.

Speaking of the MACH3 Turbo, I was able to use my MACH3 Turbo blade cartridges with the M3Power Nitro, which is handy information to know, because replacement MACH3 Turbo blades are cheaper than M3Power Nitro blades.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I thought the razor’s vibrations seemed to have helped with my shaving. So because of that, I thought about using the vibrations of the M3Power Nitro to make other things better.

First, I attached the M3Power Nitro to my toothbrush to see if the vibrations would make for a better brushing session.

Then I connected it to a plain ordinary razor to see if it could improve its ability to shave.

Finally, I connected the M3Power Nitro to my finger to see if it could turn my normal finger into a “happy finger,” that could give someone a pleasurable massage. (See picture on left)

Unfortunately, the M3Power Nitro wasn’t very good at making other things better. However, it’s still a great dancer, it gives decent shaves, and looking at the picture on the left, it looks like the M3Power Nitro is very good at another thing…spooning.

Item: Gillette M3Power Nitro
Purchase Price: FREE (given by Impulsive Buy reader Lane)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It’s an awesome dancer. Gives a decent shave. Vibrations help cut through hair easier. AAA battery lasts for a while. Able to use MACH3 and MACH3 Turbo cartridges. Good at spooning.
Cons: I got served. My limited dancing ability. Vibrations seemed a little too violent for something with sharp blades. Its vibrations can’t make other things better.

Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave

Jack Black Beard Lube

With all the women’s products I’ve been reviewing (and the other woman’s products I’ve been “testing”), it seems like I’ve forgotten about products specifically made for men. So today’s review on Jack Black Beard Lube will remedy that.

For those who don’t know, I grow facial hair significantly faster than it takes for a new reality show to pop up on television. I usually shave everyday, but sometimes I like to have fun with my fast growing facial hair.

For example, I’ll grow my beard out for about four months, part my hair, put on a pair of glasses, throw on a sweater vest, pretend I’m a Fullbright scholar, eat nothing but bread for a week, and after that week is over, I’ll comb my beard to see how many crumbs and other things it has collected.

Or sometimes I like to grow my goatee REALLY long, gently stroke it, and say in an evil tone, “Soon the whole world will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.”

Like I said before, I usually shave everyday, and for the past three weeks I’ve been using the Jack Black Beard Lube. It’s a combination of pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, which is good because instead of three different containers for each product, you get one product that contains all three.

(Editor’s Note: No, it’s not Tenacious D’s Jack Black.)

The Jack Black Beard Lube isn’t like any other shaving cream or gel I’ve used. Perhaps the major difference is the fact that it doesn’t foam like regular shaving gels and creams.

The color of it is white, but it goes on clear, like you’re putting on a moisturizer or KY Jelly. This is handy if you want to be able to see where you’re shaving, but sucks when you want to use the foam to pretend you’re Santa Claus or Papa Smurf.

When I put the Jack Black Beard Lube on, there’s a slight tingling sensation on my face. This is caused by the eucalyptus and peppermint, which stimulates the skin. The eucalyptus can also attract slutty koalas.

It also contains Jojoba and Macadamia Nut Oil, which softens the beard, makes it easier to shave, and entices the slutty koalas to stroke your face.

But then again, they are slutty koalas so I guess they don’t need to be enticed to stroke anything.

Shaving with the Jack Black Beard Lube feels different than shaving with another gel or cream because of the lack of foam, but it did create a nice comfortable, lubricated shave. However, it didn’t give me the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication that I got with the Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream, which I reviewed at the beginning of the year.

However, despite not having the bikini-oil-wrestling-match-type of lubrication, the Jack Black Beard Lube did give me a better shave than the ones I’ve gotten from using my usual Edge shaving gel.

Buying six ounces of Jack Black Beard Lube will set you back $15.00, but if you want a close shave and want to attract slutty koalas this maybe the right product for you.

Item: Jack Black Beard Lube Conditioning Shave
Purchase Price: $15.00 (6 ounces)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Comfortable, close shave. It’s a pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and skin conditioner, all-in-one. No foaming means you can see what you’re shaving. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.
Cons: Pricey. No foaming means no Papa Smurf. Eucalyptus may attract slutty koalas.

McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

McDonald's Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich

I don’t know about you, but when I buy “premium” products, I act like a rich, snobby, irritating son of a bitch that deserves to either be run over by a car or tied up and forced to listen to a continuous loop of David Hasselhoff albums with a gun pointed to my head that’s triggered by the words, “Please stop.”

I guess I act this way because “premium” products tend to be more expensive than regular versions of the product. For example, there’s premium gas, premium ice cream, premium cable channels, and premium mail order bride catalogs.

Whenever I pick up something like premium ice cream, I’ll look around, find someone who picked up regular ice cream, stare at them, and say to myself, “I’ve got premium ice cream, beeyatch! What do you have? Regular ice cream? Ha! I laugh at your regular ice cream. Ha! I laugh again. What? You can’t afford premium ice cream like I can? Yeah, by the way you dress, it looks like you can’t afford premium ice cream.”

See, I’m such as asshole when I pick up premium products.

Recently, McDonald’s introduced a line of premium chicken sandwiches. There are three varieties of chicken sandwiches to choose from: the Premium Chicken Classic, the Premium Chicken Ranch BLT, and the Premium Chicken Club. Also, all three sandwiches are available with either crispy or grilled chicken.

During my most recent visit to McDonald’s, I picked up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich. I decided to pick up the grilled version because it was slightly healthier than the crispy version. Along with the chicken, the sandwich consists of a toasted bakery roll with green lettuce, mayonnaise, a slice of fresh tomato, hickory smoked bacon, topped with Swiss cheese.

After picking it up, I sat down and immediately scanned the room to see what everyone else was eating and I noticed a woman eating a Big Mac.

Then I stared at her and said to myself, “Oh my goodness, a Big Mac? That’s so 1980s. Hey, you want a Culture Club record to go with that Big Mac? Couldn’t you afford the extra dollar to pick up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich like I have? I guess you have to save that dollar so that you can buy a pair of pants from Goodwill or the Salvation Army.”

After scanning the restaurant again and ridiculing a couple of kids with Happy Meals, I began eating my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich.

The first thing I noticed about the sandwich was the green lettuce. It was actually green! I guess I was so used to seeing the whitish lettuce that comes with the poor folks Big Mac. But then I realized that I should be getting green lettuce, after all, it is a “premium” sandwich for “premium” consumers, like myself.

When I took my first bite, it tasted kind of bland, but the reason why it tasted bland was because that first bite didn’t include all the parts of the sandwich. When I took my second bite, which included the chicken, mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and swiss cheese, it tasted much better, but it didn’t impress me.

Actually, I would’ve preferred eating a poor folks Big Mac than the rich folks Premium Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Another problem I had with the Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich was trying to prevent the chicken from sliding around in between the buns. On a couple of occasions the bite I took didn’t have any chicken in it because it slid away from my mouth. I basically had to choke the chicken to keep it in place.

So what did I learn from my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich experience?

I learned that adding the word “premium” to fast food, is like adding the word “fresh” to poop. It doesn’t make it any better.

Item: McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.19 (sandwich only)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes not bad if you can get a bite that includes all the parts of the sandwich. Healthier than crispy version. Green lettuce.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Slippery chicken. My attitude when I pick up “premium” products.