REVIEW: Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants

Jello with Antioxidants

The Raspberry Goji Jello contains the antioxidants vitamins A and E.

Oh, I remember a time when those two weren’t known as antioxidants. I can’t quite recall what they were called. Let me think for a moment. It’s on the tip of my tongue.

Oh yeah, that’s right, they were just called vitamins.

When did vitamins A and E become antioxidants? I thought antioxidants were scientific sounding things with names that are made up of ten or more letters, like polyphenols, flavonoids, and carotenoids. If vitamins A and E are antioxidants, then the Skippy Peanut Butter that contains vitamin E can technically be called Skippy Peanut Butter with Antioxidants and the fortified milk I drink that has vitamin A could also be called Fortified Milk with Antioxidants.

Those names would not only be silly, but they would also make it much harder to sing the 1980s ABC Public Service Announcement “Quickfast” by The Bod Squad.

A piece of toast and one of these:
Some Skippy Peanut Butter with Antioxidants or a slice of cheese.
Fortified Milk with Antioxidants or juice to wash it down.
It’s the fast fast quick fastest breakfast in town!

(Note: For those of you who are too young to know what I’m referring to here, please listen to this MP3 of PSA history. For those of you who are old enough to know what I’m referring to, your mother told me to ask you when are you going to get married and/or when are you having children?)

The Raspberry Goji Jello may have antioxidants but it seems it doesn’t get them from the raspberries and goji berries, which are known to be high in a variety of antioxidants. One of the reasons why I believe they don’t provide any antioxidants is because are both great sources of Vitamin C, but according to the Jello packaging it’s not a significant source of it. But the more obvious reason is because, according to the ingredients list, the Jello gets its vitamin E via vitamin E acetate, while the vitamin A comes from added beta-carotene. So it seems the raspberries and goji berries provide flavor, but no antioxidants, which is kind of deceiving.

Speaking of the Raspberry Goji Jello’s flavor, it had a sweet, pleasant taste. I could taste the raspberry, but the Jello wasn’t at all tart. I’m not sure what goji berries taste like so, I’m not sure if I could taste them. But combined it created a nice flavor, with a hint of an artificial sweetener aftertaste, thanks to the aspartame and deceit in it.

Each container of the Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants is a good source of vitamins A and E, if you consider 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of them “a good source.” It’s also fat free, sugar free and contains only 10 calories per serving — making it a guilt-free snack. But just don’t expect it to be your main source of antioxidants.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% vitamin E.)

(Note: Gigi also reviewed them. Also, I’m boycotting the hyphen that’s in the name Jello because I think it serves no purpose.)

Item: Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants
Price: $5.49
Size: 6-pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet, pleasant flavor. Only 10 calories per serving. Sugar free. No fat. No preservatives. Reliving the 1980s.
Cons: Raspberries and Goji berries don’t appear to provide antioxidants. Despite what the packaging says, it’s not really a good source of vitamins A & E. Slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Pricey for what you get. Being asked silly questions by your parents.

NEWS: Ziploc evolve Bags Are Eco-Friendly Until You Throw Them Away

The new eco-friendly Ziploc evolve sandwich and storage bags are made from a new resin that uses 25% less plastic than their regular bags, are manufactured using approximately 50% renewable wind energy and packaged in a 100% recycled box, with at least 35% postconsumer content.

While all of this might be fine and dandy to the casual environmentalist, the maniacal, Captain Planet costume-wearing treehugger would point to the fact that if these bags are so evolved, why is the E in “evolve” lowercase and why don’t they have powers like the characters on Heroes?

A level-headed (not crazy) treehugger who doesn’t dress up in tights and paints their skin blue would probably wonder why Ziploc didn’t do more, since most of their bags probably end up in landfills and are difficult to recycle because they’re made out of #4 plastics.

The Ziploc evolve bags seem like a step in the right direction, but it would be more impressive if all of their bags were made this way.

The bags are available in sandwich ($2.49), quart ($3.49) and gallon ($3.49) sizes.

NEWS: Ben & Jerry’s Latest Flavors Causes Sweet Tooths to Rejoice and Nut Allergy Sufferers to Shake Their Fists in Anger

Ben & Jerry’s recently introduced two new flavors to their lineup of creamy creations: the creatively named Mission to Marzipan and the unimaginative Chocolate Macadamia, which a Chunky Monkey armed with a typewriter could’ve named. Both flavors contain nuts in some shape or form.

The Mission to Marzipan flavor is made up of sweet cream ice cream with almond cookies and a Marzipan swirl. Marzipan is a sweet, yellowish paste of ground almonds, sugar, and egg whites. And knowing what it is will impress your foodie friends. The Chocolate Macadamia consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams with fudge covered macadamia nuts. While Mission to Marzipan has the creative name, the Chocolate Macadamia can brag about the fact that its macadamias, cocoa and vanilla are Fair Trade-certified.

The Mission to Marzipan has 260 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 32 grams of carbs and 25 grams of sugar per 1/2 cup serving. The Chocolate Macadamia has 270 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 25 grams of carbs and 22 grams of sugar per serving.

(You can read a review of the Chocolate Macadamia flavor here.)

REVIEW: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix

Oreo Fun Stix

I’ve yet to have any fun with these Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix. I should be having a blast with them because, after all, the word “fun” is in its name, but I’ve gone through almost the entire box and I haven’t gotten any entertainment out of them; not even by trying to light them or sticking them into an orifice. It’s so boring that I consider it the snack version of The Hills spin-off The City.

Each box comes with eight packs of two cylindrical chocolate cookie wafers lined with Oreo creme that measures six inches long and half an inch in diameter. They’re hollow, so they’re just like those cereal straws that allow you to slurp up milk with them, except you won’t find these in the cereal aisle and because they’re not labeled “cereal straws” they won’t go down as one of the most absurd packaged food ideas that our future alien overlords will point to as the reason why it was so easy to enslave the human race.

But maybe it’s not the fault of the Oreo Fun Stix and I’m not using them correctly or my body is numb to fun after years and years of consuming Oreos in every possible way and the saturated fat they provided has blocked the “fun juice” from reaching my brain. So maybe the fun comes from trying to unblock the “fun juice.”

The Oreo Fun Stix continues the long list of items that haven’t given me the same satisfaction as regular Oreo cookies. The cookie shell was crispy, but perhaps too crispy since some of the Fun Stix were broken when I opened their packs and they easily left a bunch of crumbs on my table, which I guess could be entertaining if I had a penchant for hearing the sucking sound from a 1980s Black & Decker DustBuster.

The Oreo cream tasted very much like the sweet whiteness that we’ve all grown to love and lick, but because the cream lining is inside the wafer stick I can’t get any pleasure from licking it, unless I’m supposed to get delight from a surgical procedure that turns my tongue into a snake’s tongue. The cookie shell combined with the Oreo cream didn’t quite taste like an actual Oreo cookie, which was disappointing. For roughly the same price as these Oreo Fun Stix you can get actual Oreos and, I think, more of them.

I still don’t know what exactly is so fun about these Oreo Fun Stix and I’ll probably never find out. I guess just because it has the word “fun” in it, doesn’t automatically make them fun, after all, the word “fun” is also in words like defunct, dysfunctional, funeral, fungus, malfunction and nonrefundable.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 90 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 4% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix
Price: $3.49
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Oreo cream. 90 calories per pack. DustBusters.
Cons: It’s basically a cereal straw, one of the downfalls of the human race. Not fun at all. Didn’t quite taste like an Oreo. Wafer was a little too fragile. Pricey for the amount you get. Makes crumbs. The MTV executive who green-lighted The City. Having alien overlords in the future.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 3/21/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

Okay. That’s it folks. The tit of energy drink names has run dry. SPAM Energy Drink is by far the lamest name ever. (via Ed Junkie)

Second lamest energy drink name? Chinese Rocket Fuel (via Taurine Rules)

I’ve never eaten at Del Taco, but the Macho Combo Beef Burrito makes me want to talk like Macho Man Randy Savage. Oh yeah! Oh yeah, it also makes me want some beta blockers. (via Eyunta)

From what little knowledge I have about men in Japan, I’ve figured out two things: they love schoolgirl panties and enjoy drinking beer. There’s beer candy, so I’m thinking there’s probably schoolgirl panty candy. (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Since this Pepsi is all-natural there’s no way it will end up on a reality show starring Bret Michaels. (via Gigi Reviews)

REVIEW: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste

Axe Whatever Paste

On the Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste’s container, which for some reason kind of reminds me of the Legion of Doom’s headquarters, the following is printed on its label: “Girls don’t like that crusty, crunchy hair you get from gels.”

If Axe’s canister copywriters are correct, I’ve been living in a style faux pas for the past several years, because I’ve been using a hair gel that makes my hair crustier than a hobo’s armpit and crunchier than a bag of Cheetos. But I love my hair gel because it makes something on my body remain stiff for more than four hours without the need to see a doctor and it gives my hair to ability to pop balloons so that I can make the children holding them cry.

The Whatever Messy Look Paste is part of Axe’s new hair product line, which is made up of shampoos, conditioners and hair styling products. It expands Axe’s Axis of Evil Aromas. For those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy readers, you know that I’m not a big fan of Axe products and have given them bad reviews because I think all their products smell alike and they have never gotten a guy tackled, kissed, groped or bitten, despite what their commercials show. Because of my feelings towards Axe products, I didn’t expect much from the Whatever Messy Look Paste, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it.

Axe has four hair products; each is used for a different type of styling: spiked, shaggy, clean and messy. The Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste, obviously, gives users a messy just-out-of-bed look, which is otherwise known as the It Looks Like I Don’t Give A Shit About My Hair, But I Really Do Because I Spent Five Minutes Looking At Myself In The Mirror Trying to Make My Hair This Messy look. I was able to make my hair messy with it, but I also made it fairly neat, as you can see above.

The hair paste was baby blue in color. If I remember correctly from my days as a drooling, diaper-pooping infant, that is a boyish color. Its scent was much more pleasant than any other Axe product I’ve tried, but it also smelled like a woman’s deodorant. And I should know what a women’s deodorant smells like because I’ve licked my fair share of female armpits for $50 on top of their usual hourly rate.

Applying the paste was simple; all I had to do was use a finger-tip amount, rub it vigorously between my hands, spread it thoroughly through my damp hair and style. Because the product was baby blue, it temporarily gave some of my hair a baby blue sheen, but it quickly faded as I styled it.

The product did a good job of maintaining its hold. Even after having it on the whole day, it pretty much looked the same as when I applied it. It didn’t make my hair stiff and it didn’t flake, but it was a little greasy, which would make it slightly unappealing for a woman to run her fingers through my hair while I lick her armpit for an extra fifty bucks.

Item: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste
Price: $6.48
Size: 2.64 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job maintaining hold. Doesn’t smell like other Axe products. Didn’t flake. Able to make my hair messy and neat with it. Licking a woman’s armpit.
Cons: Made my hair a little greasy. Smells like a woman’s deodorant. Baby blue color is kind of weird. Gives hair a temporary baby blue sheen. Having to pay $50 to lick a woman’s armpit (It should be included in the hourly rate).