The Shopping Cart #2

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.

What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous

I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.

For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.

Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.

So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.

Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?

What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness

Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.

I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.

Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.

REVIEW: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom

Just like Austin Powers, I am a sexy, hairy beast.

Although, the two Impulsive Buy readers who have seen me completely naked would probably disagree with the sexy part.

There are parts of my body that has hair that I need to manage once in awhile. (1) The hair on top of my head. (2) The hair on my face. (3) The hair around my scroll wheel and left and right mouse buttons. Out of the three, the hardest to manage is definitely the hair around my faucet and hot and cold knobs.

I like to clear the brush around my Norfolk fir tree and pine cones for the same reason why some women make their hair shorter during the summer months — to cool themselves down. There’s also less chance of someone hacking up a hairball when I maintain my black carpet.

When I first started trimming the hedges around my Washington Monument, I would use a scissors, comb, and a steady hand. Then I upgraded to a hair trimmer with attachments to tame the hair around my sausage and sunny-side up eggs. Recently, I upgraded even further with the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom and I consider it the Lexus of cutting the hair around my Harry Potter and Goblets of Fire.

Its design, dual-sided trimmer, and three length attachment combs make it ergonomically easy to trim the outfield grass at my Busch Stadium and it does a good job. If I wanted to go pornstar and totally destroy the rainforest, I could do so by not using any of the attachments and using the shaving blades under the Bodygroom’s hypoallergenic shaving foil.

Also, creating designs in my front yard lawn was not possible to do with the Bodygroom due to its big shaving and trimming head, so I couldn’t create any hearts, strips, arrows, baseball team logos, or any works from Vincent van Gogh.

The Bodygroom can be used for a dry shave, but its design also allows it to be used in the shower and with shaving cream/gel, and because it’s water resistant, cleaning it is as simple as running it under water. The cordless Bodygroom’s claim that you can get 50 minutes of use before the need to recharge its battery is fairly accurate, although charging it takes eight hours.

Many of you with testicles maybe wondering if it hurts or if having cutting blades near your Humpty Dumptys make them have a great fall and crawl back into you. If you’re using the attachments, it’s painless but may takes several strokes to trim a lone rogue pubic hair.

Without an attachment it doesn’t hurt either, but every time I trim the trees along my main street and cul-de-sac I keep thinking of a possible scrambled eggs mess, so I’m surgeon-like careful when I cut down the Christmas trees on my snow globe.

The Bodygroom does a great job with the hair around your banana and strawberry milkshake, but it can also be used for the hair on your chest, shoulders, back, taint, fingers, toes, palms, underarms, abs, legs, and pretty much everything else below the neck, making it the perfect gift for the Sasquatch in your life, or Robin Williams. According to the instructions, the Bodygroom wasn’t made for the hair on your face or on your head, but I do use it with an attachment comb to tame my long, sexy, and hairy sideburns.

Overall, the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom is a sexy piece of equipment that does good work around the groin area.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

Item: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom
Price: $39.99
Purchased at:
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of trimming and shaving lower body parts. No irritation. Rechargeable. Cordless. Easy to clean. Can use it in the shower. Comes with three different trimming attachments. 50 minutes of use before recharging is needed. The Lexus of trimming the hair around your crescent wrench and two nuts.
Cons: Destroying the rainforest. Not able to make shapes with it. Finding replacement blades. Not meant for hair above the neck. Long battery charging time.


(Editor’s Note: In honor of Steve Irwin “The Crocodile Hunter,” The Impulsive Buy will review an Australian favorite, Vegemite. Irwin was a crazy mofo, but my kind of crazy mofo. He will be sorely missed, even the crikey. Rest in peace, Crocodile Hunter.)

There are things in life that we all must experience. Love and heartache. Happiness and sadness. Taxes and death. Jury duty and public urination. Liking a band and 10 years later realizing how lame they were, like WHAM!

Along with these experiences, we each have our own list of individual things we want to accomplish in our lifetime. My list is long because it contains things like, becoming a millionaire, being on the Today Show, and touching a woman’s boobie, none of which I have accomplished.

Recently my list became a little shorter when I tried Vegemite for the first time. It’s been something I’ve wanted to try ever since hearing the 1982 Men at Work song “Down Under.”

For those of you that aren’t familiar with Vegemite, it’s a Concentrated Autolyzed Yeast Extract, which forms the acronym C.A.Y.E., which ironically spells out the sound that came out of my mouth while running and gagging to the nearest sink after trying Vegemite on Ritz cracker.

Hmm, how can I describe the taste of Vegemite without causing an international incident or losing any Australian or New Zealand Impulsive Buy readers?

It looks like chocolate, spreads like peanut butter, smells like beef bouillon, and tastes like what I imagine tossing someone’s salad would taste like. I guess the salad tossing taste would explain the “vege” part in Vegemite.

Vegemite is definitely one of those things that will put some hair on your chest, and if you already have hair on your chest, it will put the hair someplace else. Since I already have hair on my chest, I believe the hair will probably grow on my palms, but I won’t know if it’s the Vegemite or my excessive masturbation that causes it.

I’m probably wrong about this, but I believe that Vegemite was created to disgust foreigners from anywhere outside the Australia/New Zealand area. Perhaps it’s payback for all the horrible things that we Americans have exported to Australia and New Zealand, like Rob Schneider movies.

If that’s the case, I’d like to call a truce.

Item: Vegemite
Price: $2.99 (4-ounces)
Purchased at: World Market
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Puts hair on your chest and if you already have hair on your chest, it will put hair someplace else. Looks like chocolate. Low fat. Wonderful source of riboflavin and gagging.
Cons: Almost made me puke. Salty. Does not go well with Ritz crackers and probably won’t go well with any other cracker. Smells like beef bouillon and tastes like I just tossed someone’s salad. Steve Irwin’s passing.

The Shopping Cart #1

(Editor’s Note: Today, I’m introducing a new section at The Impulsive Buy called The Shopping Cart, which will consist of products that I’ve purchased, but won’t write a full review for, and products that I’m lusting over, but either can’t afford, can’t find, or it’s only available in dark alleys.)

What I’m Listening To That May Sound Perverted, But Really Isn’t…I Promise

It sounds like there should be something sexual about a song called “Easy” by the Barenaked Ladies, but rest assured there is nothing sexual about it, and I am disappointed about that. However, if it was sung by either Marvin Gaye, Barry White, or the 2 Live Crew, then it probably would’ve been sexual and I would’ve added it to my “Gettin’ It On” mixtape.

“Easy” is the first single from the upcoming Barenaked Ladies album, Barenaked Ladies Are Me, which is being released in the middle of September. I’ve been listening to both the album version, which I purchased from iTunes (99 cents), and the acoustic version, which I downloaded via eMusic (monthly subscription).

It’s a mellow song and is not as fun as many of their previous tracks, like “One Week” and “Another Postcard,” which make me want to grab a hairbrush and lip sync the lyrics in my bathroom mirror. There’s definitely no “Chickity china the Chinese chicken,” but I’m fine with that.

What I’m Drinking That Keeps Reminding Me Of Jay-Z

When I think of hip-hop and beverages, there are only two beverages that come to mind: Cristal and St. Ides. Cristal has been mentioned in hip-hop lyrics by Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Busta Rhymes, Master P, and I’m sure many others. As for St. Ides, this was what former spokesperson Ice Cube had to say about the malt liquor:

Once again it’s on, I’m gone out the front door.
Ice Cube in the glass house, headin’ for the store.
To get a beer that’s better than the rest.
The S-T-period-I-D-E-to-the-S.
and it will put hair on your chest.
In the black can, so why don’t you grab a six pack and,
get your girl in the mood quicker
Get your jimmy thicker with St. Ides malt liquor.

A few months ago, I tried the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate and every time I drank one all I could think about was “H to the izz-O/V to the izz-A/Fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA.” For those of you who aren’t down with hip-hop, that’s a line from the Jay-Z song “Izzo (H.O.V.A.).” Get it? Izz-E. Izz-O. Izz-A.

Anyway, its tart taste was good, but not great. However, the pomegranate made me feel like I was drinking something healthy, so it made up a little for the taste. I don’t know if the Izze Sparkling Pomegranate is good enough to make it into hip-hop lyrics, but with Jay-Z’s boycott of Cristal it’s one step away from being, “I got Izze Sparkling Pomegranate, I gotta have it./I’m suckin’ them down like it’s a habit.”

Man, I suck as a rapper.

REVIEW: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

I’d like to think that I’m an environmentally aware person — a treehugger, if you will.

I recycle my glass bottles, aluminum cans, plastic bottles, and newspapers.

I drive a fuel-efficient car.

I reuse those plastic bags I get from the grocery store.

Instead of throwing them away, I donate my unwanted clothes, household items, and crappy Christmas gifts to charitable organizations.

Finally, to save water and allow me to use them another day, I turn my underwear inside out.

A few months ago, I came across the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea in its re-sealable and reusable glass…glass. My treehugging soul thought that the reusable glass would be a great replacement for my current glassware, which doesn’t consist of any glass and is made up of Big Gulp cups and the McDonald’s 1992 Olympic Dream Team plastic cup set, with four extra Chris Mullin cups.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and along with my lava lamps, glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and the huge mirror on my bedroom wall they would impress the ladies whenever they come over.

Okay, I’m lying about the women coming over. No woman has stepped foot in my humble, fluorescent-lighted, not-so-swinging bachelor abode, so let me rephrase the previous sentence.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and impress the ladies if they come over when hell freezes over, pigs start flying, or if I am the last man on the face of the Earth.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by my fascination with the Pom Tea bottle. After all, Pom beverages are known for their bottles.

Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea 2

The original Pom Wonderful juices come in a shapely bottle, which depending on how horny you are, either looks like the Days of Our Lives hourglass or a huge sex toy that is probably 1,000 times more satisfying than I am.

The Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea itself is pretty good and it’s good for you. Although, being a fan of lychee, I was hoping there would be a stronger lychee flavor.

I have to admit that I’ve gotten kind of addicted to the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea. I don’t know if it’s the slightly tart and sweet taste of it, the fact that it’s frickin’ full of healthy antioxidants, or my need for a set of new glassware, but at $3.50 a bottle it’s definitely hurting my wallet.

Item: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea
Price: $3.49 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty and refreshing. Addicting. Healthy. Frickin’ full of antioxidant goodness. Fat free. Reusable glass bottle, which are much more classy than my plastic Big Gulp cups. Recycling. Turning my underwear inside out to reuse another day.
Cons: Expensive. Light lychee flavor. Low caffeine. Addictive. No vitamins or minerals. I am not the last man on the face of the Earth.