Vintage Fruit Refreshers

VFR Lemonade

(Editor’s Note: Today at the Impulsive Buy we’re posting another Guest Review, because today we’re REALLY lazy to do our own and we we’re traumatized by a scene in the new movie “Sideways” where a naked old man runs down the street with his unit flopping all over the place. Shudder. Anyway, today’s guest review is by Mai, who is the author of the blog Create Something Beautiful::Make Art. Enjoy.)

I usually don’t like those flavored water beverages, but when it comes to lemonade and its ilk, I can’t resist.

There’s something about the tartness and the sweetness blended to perfection. Now I understand when guys say they want a ‘sweet girl,’ but still chase the chick in the mini-skirt.

Anyway, my mom’s been buying these Vintage Fruit Refreshers for months, and even though they have lots of flavors (Peach Citrus, Strawberry Kiwi, Cherry Lime, etc.), the lemonade is the one I usually swipe from the bag before she puts them into the trunk of the car.

They’re really good, considering they’re calorie free, caffeine free, sugar free, zero carbs water drinks.

It maybe water, but they come in colors. The last time I checked, drinking water does not come in colors, except possibly brown in third world countries.

But the color comes in handy, because with regular clear water, glasses can get mixed up and you might be drinking the water from someone’s glass you REALLY don’t want drink from. Cooties can be spread that way, ya know. With the Vintage Fruit Refreshers, you don’t have that problem.

They also make the ideal drink to have around the house when your kids want something besides water. Well, it’s water, but… Forget it.

You may not think it won’t taste good because it’s water, but when you actually taste it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I let my friend taste the Peach Citrus flavor just the other day, and she’s now hooked.

Her exact words were, “I could get down on that Peach one.” Whatever that means.

The lemonade totally kicks its butt.

As far as getting them, I usually end up shopping with my mother, just so I can get one. I haven’t actually seen which aisle they’re in; they seem to magically appear in the shopping cart.

But once they’re in the cart, I’m glad they’re there. Yum.

Item: Vintage Fruit Refreshers
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.19
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No calories or carbs (if you care). Two sizes (20 oz, 1 liter). Lots of flavors to choose from, but the lemonade flavor is addicting. It has colors, so you know the difference without sipping from 3 different cups.
Cons: Can’t find the right aisle, so I have to shop with my mom to get them. Has an aftertaste.

Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake

Nesquik Milkshake

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like, “It’s better than yours.”
Damn right it’s better than yours,
I can teach you…

Okay, I think this review is off to a bad start. Let’s try again…

Milkshakes make my mouth modulate mindlessly monthly.

Okay, the alliteration idea is lame. Let me try again…


Okay, this isn’t working out very well. Oh screw it!

Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake. It’s not a chocolate milkshake, it’s chocolate milk that supposed to taste like a chocolate milkshake. It’s not bad, but doesn’t really taste like a chocolate milkshake. A milkshake is waaaay better. I can make a better milkshake. Damn right it’s better than theirs. Contains calcium and vitamins A & D. Don’t forget to shake well. I can finally recycle that damn Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle.

Now that the review is out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing.

Hmm…What shall I give away this month?

I could give away Gmail accounts, but who DOESN’T have a Gmail account by now. Google passes out invitations like they were Ecstasy at a rave.

Wait, I got it.

This month, the Impulsive Buy will be giving away three (3) boxes of Jello Oreo Instant Pudding, which we reviewed last month. There will be three winners, who will each receive one (1) box.

If you haven’t read the review, I basically say Jello Oreo Instant Pudding is perfect for licking off of most body parts.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Also, so that we don’t seem like comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Jello Oreo” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on December 15, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on December 19, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States and Canada.

Entries will be stuffed into…Um…Let’s see what containers we have.

Oh! They will be stuffed into the Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle I just picked out from the recycle bin. Winning entries will be drawn from this bottle and will probably smell like…

(Opens bottle and takes a sniff)

Oooh, that’s nasty. It will probably smell like spoiled Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake.

For those of you who’ve never won anything before, here’s your chance to finally to win. There’s no need for performance enhancing drugs.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about some drug that you don’t know how to pronounce the name of. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for free issues of Business Week and Sports Illustrated. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Item: Nestle Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake
Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Kind of good. Calcium. Vitamins A & D. I can finally get rid of the empty Nesquik Chocolate Milkshake bottle that’s been sitting on my desk for weeks (Okay, not until the drawing is over).
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like a chocolate milkshake.

REVIEW: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix


So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix?

Let see…One…Two…Oh, yeah baby you like that?

(Bow chica. Bow chica.)

You like how I lick it?

You want more, Ms. Angelina Jolie?

Say my name.

Who’s your daddy?

(Tap on shoulder)

What! Don’t bother me while I pretend to make out with Angelina Jolie!

The Spy Stix is phallic?



When I first saw the commercial for the Tootsie Pop Spy Styx, I thought they were pretty cool. It’s just like Tootsie Pops, except in a stick form and in a neato plastic case. Just slide the candy out with a lever, take a few licks, then slide it in, close the container, and store it for later.

I picked one up from the convenience store down the street and paid $1.35 for it, which is about the same price of THREE regular Tootsie Pops and way more expensive than most of the other candy on the shelf. I figured that if I’m paying that much, I should expect some big things from it.

However, when I opened it up and slid the candy out from the case, I was so disappointed. It was like expecting an iPod for Christmas, but getting a used Spanish dubbed VHS copy of Spice World that also needed to be rewound (It’s the new lump of black coal).

One of the biggest problems with the Spy Stix was the fact I couldn’t eat all of the candy, which there wasn’t much to begin with. The lever doesn’t allow all of the candy to be extended out. So there’s this small bit of candy that you can’t reach and there’s no way I’m sticking my tongue down the case’s opening to try and lick it. Getting my tongue stuck in something is not going to happen again.

Another problem was the neato candy retracting case, which turned out to be not so neato. After taking a few licks of the Spy Styx, I retracted the candy into the case, but it got stuck when I wanted to extend it again for a few more licks. However, after messing with the lever for a few moments, I could extend it again.

Finally, this last problem you already read. It makes a bad replacement for an imaginary girlfriend. Although, it would make a great replacement for an imaginary boyfriend.

Well I guess I’m going to have to stick with making out with my pillow for now.

The Tootsie Pop Spy Stix is such a horrible product that I’m going to give it the Impulsive Buy’s first-ever ZERO RATING.

Take that for messing up my pretend make out session with Angelina Jolie!

Item: Tootsie Pops Spy Stix
Purchase Price: $1.35
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Retractable candy in convenient flip top case.
Cons: Waaay overpriced. Sometimes candy is hard to retract. Packaging makes it hard to eat all of it. Bad replacement for imaginary girlfriend. Still don’t know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop Spy Stix. I guess the world may never know.

REVIEW: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers

Mrs. Butterworth's Little Dunkers

Oh Mrs. Butterworth, you’re such a genius.

You’ve created the PERFECT way to drink syrup.

With your Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Drinkers, I can drink your original syrup whenever, wherever, and with whoever I want.

Say! I like Little Drinkers, you know. I like them, me the Marvo. I will drink them in the snow. I will drink them with the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. I will drink them on New Year’s Eve 2004. I will drink them with a French whore. I will drink them while I shave. I will drink them on Dr. Atkins’ grave. I do so like Little Drinkers, you know! Thank you! Thank you, me the Marvo!

So no more carrying around a syrup bottle and women asking me, “Is that a syrup bottle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Um…It’s a syrup bottle. You aren’t THAT pretty.

Another problem I had with carrying around a whole bottle was that it’s hard to keep track of how much syrup I drank. Take one swig, then take another, and before you know it, I’ve consumed half the bottle and I’m bouncing off the walls like Andy Dick on cocaine.

With these Little Drinkers, I can have controlled two-ounce doses of syrup. It’s like taking a shot of syrup.

Quarters anyone?

Also, with these Little Drinkers, it’s easier to get every last drop of syrup. All I have to do is just lick the cup. With a bottle it’s hard to lick anything, unless you enjoy getting your tongue stuck in the bottle.

Oh, crap! I just looked at the packaging again.

It’s Little Dunkers.

All this time I thought it was Little Drinkers.

Holy crap! I guess I really have been consuming waaay too much High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Item: Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Dunkers
Purchase Price: $2.50 (Six-Pack)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Convenient. Easier to drink and to dunk. Easier than a bottle to carry.
Cons: You pay for portability. I need to cut back on the High Fructose Corn Syrup.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

McDonald's Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

  1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
  2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
  3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.